My Alleged Husband

Chapter 870: Chapter 816: At All Costs

Zhang Zhentian, upon hearing his father say these words, suddenly remembered how he once became unscrupulous for certain matters. To ruin those who stabbed him in the back, he spared no effort. Time and again, he sent everyone to the abyss of life’s suffering, from which they couldn’t escape for the rest of their lives.

”Dad, living a life is truly exhausting. No one wants to live so delicately. I also want to live freely, unrestrained, but I’ve never been able to live happily in this life. I’ve lived in too much pain. To outsiders, I seem to have endless glory. I’ve dodged the outcomes I most desired time after time, but is it really so? Who understands the suffering in my heart?

I never thought that one day I would find life so tiresome. All I wanted was to live peacefully without so much pain or exhaustion, to grow old with the one I love. But in the end, I’ve realized that everything I wanted was nothing but a dream. What I desired is seen as a joke in others’ eyes.

I climbed up step by step, unscrupulously, to be with the one I desired the most, to live without regrets. But in the end, I hurt everyone around me. My actions have never been right. Looking back, I realized that everything I’ve done was wrong.

Dad, we, father and son, rarely sit together and talk calmly like today. Do you know how much I yearn to live happily one day, to have a blissful life with my family? But in the end, I’ve gained nothing. Even if I come back to this home, what’s the point? Few genuinely wish for my return, because the things I’ve said and done have chilled their hearts!

I understand better than anyone what ’there is no greater sorrow than a heart that has died’ truly means. Time after time I’ve made so many mistakes, yet I’ve never realized where I went wrong. Even my apologies were perfunctory. I avoided the endings I truly wanted, and now I find that all the mistakes I’ve made, what are they really? In others’ eyes, they’re nothing but jokes. Others mock me, but what have I truly sacrificed?

These years have not been easy for me, but I always console myself silently, no matter what I’ve done wrong, no matter how much I’ve lost, as long as I hold on to what I most desire in my heart, one day I’ll achieve my dreams and get what I want. But in the end, I got nothing. Instead, I’ve repeatedly hurt my family.

I know, ultimately it’s because I’m useless as a son. No matter what I do, I can’t make you happy. No matter what I do, I can’t make my child proud to have me as a father. On the contrary, the pain I’ve brought to my child over the years may, in his eyes, be a disgrace. I’ve never given him any fatherly love; instead, I’ve brought him too much torment and pain, which no other child has to bear, but he has endured it all.

Old Master Zhang suddenly didn’t know what to say. How should he reply this time? Were all his son’s actions truly wrong, without a single right one?

In fact, he didn’t know. He didn’t know how many mistakes his child had really made, nor did he know the pain his child had suffered, never having received the slightest respite or compensation.

”Child, since some things are in the past, let’s let them drift away with the smoke and clouds, and not bring them up again. We’ve said many times before, what we most want is to hold onto our innermost convictions, to not harm those we truly want to be with for some unnecessary reasons.”

”Dad, I’ve thought about it. If I bowed down and admitted my wrongs to the whole world, would the outcome be different? Could all the harm I’ve caused be completely forgotten, never causing a bit of pain again?

But it’s not possible. No matter what I do, you will never forgive me in your heart, because the hurt I’ve brought you is something you can’t get over in this lifetime. I’m numb. I don’t know what I want. I’m a walking corpse, forgetting what I wanted most in life. I’ve lost the person I loved the most in this life. However, every mistake I’ve made can only be borne by myself; no one is there to shoulder any of the blame.

As time goes by, I always thought I would slowly grow up. But in the end, I’ve realized I’ll always be a child, always wanting to be loved and protected by others. Yet, in the end, I can only keep hurting, hurting those who love me the most, causing despair and disgust in their hearts towards me!

A despairing life is truly terrifying. Now, I am a person in despair, feeling hopeless about my life. I don’t know what extreme actions I might take next. I don’t know what to do to get back what I most want to regain.

Sometimes I even think of terrible things. I wonder, if I gave up my life, could I get back everything I want to regain? But could it really happen?

You know better than anyone, all these are just my wild fantasies. Even if I lost my life, I might not get back the love I hold dear in my heart!”

Old Master Zhang couldn’t help but sigh, the word ’love’ causes the deepest wounds. He never imagined his son would be so badly hurt by it. What should his son do to get his beloved back? He is willing to give up his life, but still, he can’t make a change of heart. Maybe their marriage is now in name only.

Perhaps the two of them have long lost any real connection, just clinging to the last shred of nominal honor by returning to this home...