My Alleged Husband

Chapter 858: Chapter 804 Secrets

”I know, how could I not know? It is precisely because you have sacrificed so much for me, that I feel so guilty. Do you have any idea how much pain I have caused you over the years? You clearly knew that there were times when I was taking advantage of your feelings for me, yet knowing this, you still chose to stay with me wholeheartedly. What am I supposed to say about you?”

Sometimes, you clearly knew that the harsh and unfeeling words I said to you were just to vent, to avoid keeping my anger bottled up inside. The rage I faced elsewhere, I took out on you. Did you truly harbor no resentment in your heart?

You are my husband, yet over these years, I’ve never fulfilled the slightest duty as a wife should. I always opposed you, always did things to hurt you, but for me, you stayed by my side, hoping that we could live a happy life together and forget all the pain, remembering only the best memories between us!”

”Xia Jing, we are husband and wife, and you are the woman I love the deepest. No matter when and where, we should never have to thank each other because that ’thank you’ might truly ruin the feelings between us. Once that ’thank you’ is uttered, the nature of the feelings changes, and the relationship between us grows distant!

We all live a happy life together; let’s not dwell on past unhappiness. Forget all the pain and trouble, as long as we live a happy life in the future. Why care about the rights and wrongs of the past? What’s the point of getting tangled in whether something was right or wrong? Even if we get too caught up in it, what does it have to do with us, when in the end we still walk a path different from others?

Because I am well aware, that all paths in life are walked by oneself. No one can set those paths up perfectly for you. The mistakes we have made, we should take responsibility for and bear the pain ourselves. We forget what days we relied on to come this far; we’ve come to today step by step, depending on each other. How can we just give up easily?”

”I know. If you didn’t truly love me, you wouldn’t be missing your child, your father, and your entire family all these years, yet you never say it in front of me. You’re afraid it would make me feel awkward, you don’t want to trouble me, you want me to live a happy life, but how could I, as your wife, not know how you feel?

In front of me, you hide all your longing for your hometown, just hoping I could live happily and peacefully outside, but you don’t know that ever since the day I realized you missed home, my heart has been shaking. I don’t want to see you sad or in a difficult position, I want to take you back home, to have everyone there forgive you, even if it means I might be kicked out of the family. As long as you can return to that family, as long as you don’t have to live in pain like before, it would be the greatest comfort for me as your wife.

Don’t think I’m foolish, or that I’m doing this for your sake; all I have done is just to gain a favor in front of you. I only hope that you would forever remember me. Yet, I used other ways to hurt you, only hoping that you would leave me and return home. If I leave, you can return home!”

”I have watched my child grow up step by step, and I know how sad and painful his life has been, but I have no way to make up for the hurt I have caused him. As a mother, I am of no use, I don’t know how I should make my son live happily. When I see him bullied, I wish I could beat those other children to death. I just want my child to be happy and carefree.

Every time I stand outside his school watching him go to class or leave school, do you know how happy I am? I want to rush over and hug him, but I don’t have the courage. I’m afraid that if I go over, he won’t recognize me or will push me away.

No one knows about these hurts, but they are deeply ingrained in me. I know my child also hopes that I could be by his side, but what have I, as a mother, brought him except pain!

Today, just the two of us here, I choose to pour out all my heartfelt words to you. I hope these words won’t be heard by my son because if he did, he might feel his mother is too ostentatiously compassionate. Clearly, I don’t want to see him, yet I have to tell others how much I miss him. But in my heart, I truly wish to live with him.”

Zhang Zhentian sighed. How could he possibly not know? How could he not understand how much his wife longed to see her child, how often she stood at the school gate, unnoticed by him standing behind her? What she wanted was just to silently watch her child, undisturbed by anyone. He had seen her standing outside the school gate, secretly wiping away tears, time and again. The pain deep within him as a husband, who could understand?

”Actually, over these years, every time you stood at the school gate watching her, I was behind you, never letting you notice. I saw you cry while watching your son, I know the deep affection within you, but you have no other way. You cover up how much you miss him with your steel-like facade. What you want is for your son not to recognize his own mother.

I am convinced that deep inside you still love him. No matter what you have done over the years, the longing you feel for him has never lessened. No matter what, even if they really don’t want to accept us, we can leave again. But this time, I won’t abandon them. I will visit them often, even if we live in different places. I have made up my mind to do everything I can to seek forgiveness from father. As long as we can be happy together in this home, even if I am just a slave, a humble servant, I can accept that. As long as he doesn’t turn me away from the door, as long as they let me stay here watching them happy, it will be enough!”