My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1568: Chapter 1362: Young and Promising

If I had not been inferior in my youth, how fortunate I would have been.

When Zhang Zhentian heard her father say these words to her, she suddenly remembered that she had once resorted to unscrupulous means because of certain things. To destroy those who stabbed her in the back, she spared no effort, repeatedly plunging everyone into the depths of life’s pain, leaving them with no way to climb out of the abyss of suffering for the rest of their lives.

”Dad, living a whole life is really exhausting. No one wants to live so meticulously. I also want to live freely, without constraints, but I can never live happily in this life. My life is too painful. In the eyes of outsiders, I appear to be full of glory. I repeatedly hide from the outcome I desire most, but is that really the case? Who understands the bitterness within my heart?

I never thought that one day I would live so tiredly. I only wanted to live steadily, without so much suffering, without feeling so weary at heart. At least, I wanted to grow old with the person I love, but in the end, I found that everything I wanted was just a dream. What I wanted, in the eyes of others, was just a joke.

I climbed one step at a time with all my might, using any means necessary, just to be with the person I want to be with the most, to live a life without regrets. But in the end, I still hurt everyone who followed me. My actions were never correct, and looking back, I realized that everything I did was wrong.

Dad, we, as father and son, rarely have the chance like today to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk, you know? How much I longed to live happily, how much I longed that one day I could live happily with my family, but in the end, I got nothing. Even if I returned to this home, so what? Very few people genuinely hope for my return because the things I’ve said and done have chilled their hearts!

I understand more than anyone what it means that there is nothing more sorrowful than a dead heart. I made so many mistakes over and over, but I never realized where I went wrong. Even when apologizing, I was perfunctory. I never got the ending I wanted most, but in the end, what do these mistakes mean? In the eyes of others, they are just a joke, a laughing stock at the cost of what I’ve endured, what I’ve paid.

These years haven’t been easy for me, but every time I silently comforted myself, telling myself no matter what mistakes I made, no matter what I lost, as long as I held steadfastly to what I wanted the most at heart, someday I would achieve my wishes, I would get what I wanted most. But in the end, what did I get? Nothing. Instead, I hurt my family again and again.

I know, ultimately, it’s because I’m an unworthy son. No matter what I do, I can never make you happy, no matter how hard I try. I can’t make my children proud to have me as their father. On the contrary, the pain and suffering I’ve caused them, perhaps in their eyes, my existence as their father is a source of shame. I haven’t given them a shred of fatherly love; instead, I’ve brought too much torment and pain, things that other children would never have to bear, yet they have.

Old Master Zhang suddenly didn’t know what to say or how to respond. Was everything his son did completely wrong, without a single right?

In truth, he himself didn’t know. He didn’t know how many mistakes his child had made or how much pain his child had endured without ever getting any relief, any reprieve.

”Child, since some things are already in the past, let’s let them fade with the smoke and wind, and no one will mention them again. We’ve said many times that what we want most is to uphold the beliefs within our hearts and not hurt the people we most want to cherish because of unnecessary things.”

”Dad, I’ve thought, should I bow to the world, admit all the mistakes I’ve made, would the outcome then be different? Would all the harm I’ve caused allow all of you to completely forget and no longer suffer any pain?

But it can’t be, no matter what I do. Deep down, you’ll never forgive me because the hurt I’ve caused you is something you can never let go of in this lifetime. I’ve become numb, I don’t know what I want anymore, I’ve become a walking corpse, forgotten the things I wanted most in life, lost the person I loved most in life, but all the mistakes I’ve made must ultimately be borne by myself, with no one helping to take any of the blame.”

As time went by, I always thought I would gradually grow up, but in the end, I discovered I will always be a child that never grows up, always wanting to be loved and protected by others, but ultimately, I can only hurt others over and over again, hurt everyone who loves me most, making them feel disgusted and despaired with me repeatedly.

A life of despair is truly terrifying, and right now, I’m a person in despair, feeling hopeless about my life. I don’t know what extreme actions I might take, nor do I know what I would have to do to retrieve what I most want to salvage.

Sometimes, even terrifying thoughts occur to me. I’m wondering if sacrificing my life would retrieve everything I want to salvage, but ultimately, is that really possible?

You know better than anyone that all this is just a fantasy of mine. Even if I lost my life, it doesn’t mean I could bring back the woman I love most in my heart!”

Old Master Zhang couldn’t help but sigh, realizing that love has been the most hurtful throughout history. He didn’t expect his son to end up so thoroughly battered by it. What should his son do to make the person he loves most return to his side? He’s willing to give up his life, yet he still can’t bring her back. Perhaps their marriage, right now, is nothing but a hollow shell.

Perhaps they no longer had any relationship, just holding onto the last pretense when back at home...

Everything we do should consider the resulting pain it would bring. No matter what path should have been taken, one should always remember that there was someone they loved the most.