My Alleged Husband

Chapter 717: Chapter 687 Unspeakable Suffering_1

Zhang Zhentian knew what his wife was thinking deep inside, but there were things he really couldn’t say. Everyone has their own dignity and face to uphold, and every action one takes is subject to influence and an equivalent price. No one is truly willing to bear it; one can only live through it over and over again. He was truly fatigued at heart. Was living really that painful? Why could he never find the life he wanted? Why must he live a life so filled with suffering that it’s beyond words? Although he knew what the end of his life would be like, in the end, he could still only be submerged by pain, forever living in agony, without any hope of a brighter day.

Xia Jing sensed the feelings in Zhang Zhentian’s heart. He knew that what he did as a son-in-law might not be appropriate to say outright, as it could really hurt the harmony of his family. He apologized to his father-in-law.

”Zhentian, I’m sorry. I know that when you hear these words from me, your son-in-law, your heart must be in agony. But I really can no longer hide my feelings. I just want to live with the person I love the most. If my beloved boyfriend could return to my side, I would abandon everything. I’d be willing to give up even my life. Given the chance, I’d rather stand in the middle of the road and let all the cars run over me, shattering me to pieces, just to see my beloved man for the last time in the hospital. To me, that would be the happiest thing. To be able to see him looking at me one more time would be enough for me. Life can be too rough at times. Why does my life have to go through so many bumps and scrapes? Is it not okay for me to be happy and joyful for once? Time and again, life ultimately pushes me into a deep abyss of pain, and yet my actions have ruined all of my happiness.

My source of happiness, I have personally laid to rest. I don’t know how many wrongs I’ve done in this life, nor how many people I’ve wronged. But I know that this time I’ve really fallen for someone—when you’ve truly fallen for someone, don’t expect to win. I understood that the moment I knew I had given him my heart, I knew I had no chance to win in this lifetime. Because my heart had been given to him, wherever he went, my heart would follow—even to the ends of the earth.

In this life, I don’t even know how tragic I’ve lived. The person I want never stays with me; the career I want to achieve is never smooth-sailing. I just want to know why in the same country, in the same year, I have to endure so much, so many setbacks. The person I want has left me, the career I hoped for has crumbled, and the happy life I wished for has eluded me time and again in countless dark nights. I cry out for help, for my bright future to come save me, but my bright future can only come from her—my first love.

”Fine then, it’s no use whatever I say. I don’t want to meddle in you and my son’s affairs any longer. Do as you please, but I hope you both can show mercy in the end and not do anything that would cause each other even more heartbreak. Wouldn’t it be better if past matters could just stay in the past? Must you bring them up time and again, making everyone relive the pain?”

”I’ve thought about it, but for his sake, I would disregard my own safety. Even if I get drunk and end up in the hospital, I don’t mind. The moment I realized I was in too deep to pull myself out of it, I didn’t know how else to make my presence felt. I could only choose to hurt her. But I never expected that by hurting her, I would ultimately hurt myself even more bitterly. When could a thousand years’ wait bring about his return to me? I don’t know. I call his number over and over only to find I’ve been blocked. Who can understand my despair, my pain, when I see him delete all of my messages, all of my information? Who can know the desperation in my heart at that time? I keep telling myself not to make the same mistakes, to just be happy with him. Why should everyone suffer because of me? But in the end, I disappointed him, and ultimately, I lost him. Remembering all the days and nights we spent together, the moments we shared, how much pain must be in my heart? Looking at the night scenery, it’s bright and colorful to everyone else, but to me, it’s sadness—it’s bleak, it has lost its luster. I can see no glimmer of light, I’m groping in the dark, and I just know how much pain I’m in. It has become a dark place, an eternal darkness in my heart, and there’s no way to find light again, unless he comes back to me!”

Maybe you’ll never be able to fathom my pain. But I really want to tell you—I love him. I love him so much that I’d sacrifice everything. I would give up my life for him; I would abandon everything I hold dear. But in the end, I still couldn’t keep him by my side. How helpless must I be to not be able to hold onto the person I love the most? What could I possibly do to win him back?

Having made mistakes, no matter how the heavens treat me, I must accept every punishment because I have no choice in the matter.

I won’t mention these things anymore. I will think about how to live happily, but I can’t make myself happy. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is us holding hands. For so many years, I’ve never forgotten the happy times we’ve had together. The happiness I shared with him was the most blissful moment of my life. Maybe that time is gone, but my heart will always love him, no matter where he is, whether he marries and has children or not. I will love him for a lifetime, and never forget. This love is deeply rooted, a love that comes from within and cannot be erased by anything. Maybe time will tell, but time is also a liar!”

I’ve made myself suffer. Never trust time; all it gives you is pain. What good does it do if it can’t heal the wounds in your heart? Time and again I deceive myself, just to ensure a life free from want. But in the end, I’ve turned everything into something else—a consequence of my own behavior. Blame no one else; I’ve truly lived a life that’s unspeakably wretched.”