The Trash Returned from Warhammer

Game.

The word ”game” had never yielded many positive results in Shinji’s dictionary. According to his past experience, if someone invited you to play a game, it was best to blow their head off with a bolter before they could speak a second sentence, lest your heart of loyalty be corrupted by foul whispers.

In the current situation, however, a bolter probably wasn’t necessary.

The room was filled with laughter, and the scent of desserts and cake made the air itself turn sweet. He felt extremely relaxed; looking at the vibrant faces around him, he almost forgot for a fleeting moment that he was 130 years old.

”Hahaha, Toji drew the Joker! Quick, pick a punishment! Ta-da! Congratulations on the grand prize—hurry up and kiss the Class Rep.”

”Who wrote this? Isn’t this just picking on me?”

Toji tossed his cards down, exasperated.

”No backing out! I just chugged a whole bottle of soda a minute ago.”

Chihaya Rin wagged her finger, laughing. ”If you’re embarrassed, just a kiss on the cheek. Look, the Class Rep is ready.”

Hikari Horaki really was ready. The freckled girl closed her eyes, her cheeks crimson, quietly clenching her hands into fists. This picture of bashful anticipation made Toji swallow hard.

”Then... then here I go.”

He slowly leaned in. Asuka, sitting opposite them, had covered her eyes with her hands, yet she peeked through the gaps between her fingers without blinking.

’How nice... a kiss.’

Her face turned red too, and she felt her heart rate accelerate. The usual overbearing attitude was nowhere to be found; as the boy’s lips touched the girl’s cheek, she felt like boiling water.

”Disciplinary Committee member, why aren’t you interfering now?”

Rei Ayanami suddenly whispered in her ear, acting like a bucket of cold water.

”Th-this is off-campus! I won’t cause trouble here.”

Asuka stiffened her neck to explain, only to see Rei wear an ”all according to plan” expression.

’Oh no, I fell for it.’

Her heart sank. This was clearly a pre-planned conspiracy. Since she hadn’t interfered with this couple, she would have no grounds to object if Rei drew a similar punishment later.

”You dare scheme against me!”

It was fine. Rei wouldn’t draw it. The next person to be the Joker would definitely be that guy.

Asuka instinctively turned her head, wanting to see how Shinji reacted to such a scene. Her own ”maiden’s heart” was practically overflowing, but after one glance, the light faded from her eyes.

Shinji wasn’t hooting like the girls, nor was he breathing heavily like the boys with a ”let me try next” look.

He was as calm as ever, scraping off a piece of cake with a spoon and putting it in his mouth to chew slowly. Propping his chin on his hand, he watched this display of humanity’s finest emotions with a gaze that—

”What’s with that ’Benevolent Father’ look? Are you not even a little bit embarrassed or longing for it!?”

’Benevolent Father?’

Shinji immediately caught the keyword and snapped his head around. That fleeting moment of killing intent made Asuka freeze, but fortunately, Shinji quickly understood what she meant.

”Asuka, what are you talking about?”

Shinji turned back. Seeing her flushed face, he shook his head in confusion.

”This is their beautiful moment. Why is your face red?”

’Because I’m angry at you, you non-Earthling!’

”I said Master Shinji has great insight,” Asuka wrinkled her nose, then asked unwillingly, ”How do you have zero reaction?”

”Who says I have no reaction? I am appreciating this beauty and reciting a prayer for the Emperor’s protection for them. I hope their coin-minting goes smoothly.”

’Coin-minting? What on earth is that?’

The group blinked. Kensuke Aida had to explain it through gritted teeth. Once Hikari understood, she lowered her head in immediate shame.

”Shinji-kun, what are you saying? We’re only fifteen, we haven’t reached that stage yet.”

”Huh? If you aren’t minting coins, why are you dating? Are you just bored?”

Shinji’s counter-question left everyone at a loss for words. Why did his view on love sound so strange? It felt both futuristic and ancient at the same time.

”It turns out Shinji-kun is actually quite traditional. Dating with the intent to marry and have children is actually quite nice.”

Ibuki Yuu clapped her hands. This interpretation instantly made Shinji’s image seem noble.

’Wait, why is no one mentioning that his ’dating for the sake of sex’ view is way too utilitarian?’

Asuka cursed in her mind but didn’t say it aloud.

’If you’re going to be utilitarian, then be utilitarian with me!’

Gritting her teeth, she looked at Rei. The latter was staring blankly, her face completely red, likely lost in some fantasy.

’What are you blushing for, you Bubble Tea Pot!!’

”Again! I refuse to believe you won’t pick the Joker.”

Asuka reshuffled the cards, then asked warily, ”By the way, what punishment did you write?”

”I am not as inefficient as you lot. As for the content, why don’t you guess?”

Shinji glanced at her with a mysterious smile.

”Hahaha, Shinji-kun can make jokes too.”

”That’s good. I was worried Ikari-kun wouldn’t be able to play along with us.”

For some reason, the group felt a bit uneasy.

Asuka drew a card and dealt the rest. The third round began.

As they took turns drawing cards, the hands grew smaller. Asuka started to panic because Shinji was the first to ”escape” again.

’No way. How is his luck this good? He gets out every single time.’

”Is it that hard to understand?”

Shinji saw through her thoughts instantly and leaned back slightly. ”To put it bluntly, this game is a breakout operation. It’s a contest to see who escapes the trap first. Don’t underestimate me; under the Emperor’s protection, I can withdraw safely from any desperate situation.”

”What are you talking about?! If you draw the Joker, you ’die.’ This is a gamble with our lives, right?”

”Since there must be a winner and a loser, my title as the Emperor’s Champion shall not be desecrated,” Shinji said solemnly, brooking no argument.

’Hey, just how strong is this bastard’s competitive streak?!’

Asuka muttered to herself. When she finally snapped back to reality, she had only one card left. Everyone else’s hands were empty.

”Hahaha! Asuka has the Joker! No backing out!”

”Fine. I’ll draw.”

Asuka considered herself a person of character. She drew a punishment from the box: Do a handstand against the wall for one minute. She made all the boys turn their heads away and went to the wall to do it.

”Good, good! Asuka is so straightforward.”

”Yeah, she’s a better sport than I thought.”

Asuka’s world was upside down, her skirt falling toward her stomach. This praise made her pout, feeling frustrated enough to cough blood—especially when she saw Rei’s reaction.

Rei was propping up her chin, looking at her with a mix of surprise and scrutiny, her face expressionless. After a few seconds of eye contact, Rei suddenly turned her head away.

Pfft.

”Don’t you dare laugh!”

Asuka landed with a front flip, feeling so humiliated tears almost started to flow. She clenched her fists. ”Again! I don’t believe you won’t get hit, you idiot!”

”Yay! Again!”

”Who’s the Joker? Draw!”

The rounds continued. Desserts and drinks vanished amid the laughter. Shinji’s expression grew more and more relaxed because the result never changed: on this battlefield, he remained the Champion.

”Shinji-kun’s luck is amazing. He’s the first to finish every time.”

”The Joker is Asuka again. So unlucky.”

”Again, again!”

’Whew, whew... This is supernatural. I can’t even beat him by cheating?’

When the sunlight outside finally faded completely, Asuka leaned against the table, panting heavily. She looked like she had seen a ghost.

In ten rounds of play, she had been the Joker a staggering seven times. Every single time, Shinji was the first to get out. As a result, she had drunk three bottles of soda, done two handstands, had her forehead covered in paper strips, and even sang several songs in a high-pitched voice.

’What kind of pranks did these guys write? Luckily, I haven’t drawn the worst one yet.’

Asuka comforted herself, glancing at Shinji, who had a ”learned your lesson yet?” look, and then at Rei, who looked somewhat envious. Asuka didn’t even know what Rei was envious of.

’These two are so infuriating.’

Her knuckles cracked as she squeezed her fists. What was even more maddening was that she had only one card left again. Yes, this was her eighth defeat.

”Asuka, let’s stop. I’m afraid your psyche is going to collapse,” Chihaya Rin whispered. Asuka was too unlucky, and her personality was too stubborn; she was the definition of ”losing and trying again.”

”Heh, this is nothing! If you’re going to play, play for real. Don’t underestimate me.”

Asuka tossed the final card away with a flourish, drawing praise like ”What a heroine!” and ”Asuka, you’ve got spirit!” In reality, her heart was bleeding.

’I’m so frustrated! I just wanted to prank that idiot! Why does the boomerang hit me in the head every time? What is going wrong?!’

Maintaining her dignity was her final stand. She tossed the Joker card aside coolly and reached into the box without hesitation, drawing a slip at random. As she brought it to her eyes, her half-lidded lids suddenly snapped wide.

’Oh no. Who wrote this?’

[King’s Command: Confess to the person closest to you (any gender).]

Her blue eyes scanned the room rapidly. To her left was Rei. To her right was the aisle, and across the aisle was Shinji. In other words, he was within the ”closest” range.

’What do I do? This punishment was definitely meant to prank someone. Am I supposed to take the opportunity to confess?

Don’t panic, Asuka. It’s just a game. Just fake it and get it over with. Doesn’t it say ’any gender’?’

She looked to her left. The girl with ice-blue hair was also looking at her, eyes narrowed in a way that made her heart race with anxiety.

’Rei... could you have written this?

Wait, no. There’s a space between her and that idiot; even if she drew it, it wouldn’t work. No, no—is this a test for me? But how could she guarantee I’d be the Joker AND draw this?’

In an instant, Asuka entered a state of ”brainstorming,” her mind racing faster than when she fought Angels. The others waiting began to mutter.

”What’s the punishment? Did she turn into a statue?”

Asuka couldn’t care less. Her dynamic vision was at its limit. Seeing Rei rise to look, she quickly flipped the paper face down. Time seemed to slow in her perception; she could even see the words reflected in those red eyes.

’Crap, she saw it. Analyzing her gaze... In that instant, Rei’s eyes turned sharp. It really was her! What a sophisticated battle plan!’

If she chose to back out, the persona she’d built would collapse. If she chose Rei as the target, she would lose to her completely. But if she followed the order, Rei would have leverage over her and force her to follow through.

’What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?’

Asuka’s brain was firing at 100% capacity in those few tenths of a second. It made Shinji wonder if the ”Human Instrumentality Project” was written on that slip of paper, given that Asuka looked like it was the end of the world.

”Hey, what are you looking at?”

He reached out to take the paper to see the content. Unexpectedly, Asuka reacted as if her AT Field was at full power; she balled up the paper at lightning speed and stuffed it into her pocket, causing Shinji’s hand to catch only air.

”First of all, this is a punishment! I am doing this with infinite humiliation!”

Asuka suddenly roared, silencing everyone. They watched as the girl gripped the table with both hands, her whole body trembling, head lowered as her bangs shadowed her face.

Then, as if with a resolve to die, she said in the softest voice and at the fastest speed possible: ”Ich Liebe Dich (I love you).”

”Huh? What did you say?”

The group either didn’t hear her or didn’t understand. Asuka turned her head and saw Rei’s suspicious, stunned expression. Rationality told her Rei shouldn’t understand German, but her cheeks still heated up uncontrollably.

The temperature surged until she was beet red. When Rei’s gaze turned sharp again, Asuka covered her face and bolted.

”Hey! Asuka, where are you going!?”

Hikari Horaki barely raised her hand before Asuka was already outside the room.

Asuka ignored her, still covering her face, running even faster. From a distance, she threw back a nonsensical sentence:

”I’m going to find a place to jump off a building!”

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