My Alleged Husband

Chapter 2374: Chapter 2207: Living With All Our Might

We live hard and love hard, not asking anything of anyone, as long as we can face ourselves.

Thinking back to how I cried my eyes swollen because of your mercilessness, how stupid, how naive I was then—I thought my tears could change everything, yet the truth only showed me that it was all just me oversimplifying things, no one would ever truly care what I thought.

On that rainy night, you told me you wanted to break up, and said goodbye. Your heartless steps didn’t pause for even a second. I watched you hurry away, vanish from my sight, while my tears tangled together with the falling rain.

”All these years I’ve been with you, I have never once regretted anything I did for you. On the contrary, I feel lucky that I had the chance to give so much for you. Even though I know the person in your heart right now isn’t me, my heart still keeps thinking about being with you. No matter how excessive the things you’ve done to me, my love for you has never disappeared. Maybe you think I’m naive, stupid, foolish—do you know that this is exactly how I am when I love someone? When I love you, I can let everything go. Your past, I don’t care. As long as you can stay by my side, as long as you will walk into the future hand in hand with me and build a world together, then whatever happened before means nothing to me. But what I want now is the truest thought in your heart. What is it that you really feel inside? Can you completely, truly tell me?”

Don’t keep making up lies like before to deceive me. That does you no good. It only hurts, again and again, that most sincere feeling I have for you, doesn’t it? You’ve already hurt me once—are you hurting me a second time now? If I were you, I would also feel it weighing on my conscience. I love you so much; can it be that you don’t feel anything at all inside? For you I can pay any price. My father worked so hard to raise me, hoping I would live a life without worry, food and clothes laid out for me, able to stay by his side and care for him. But for my marriage, for you, I chose to abandon him. I chose to throw away the best match he introduced me to. We were perfectly matched in family background, in every way, and I gave it all up, because in my eyes there is only you. As long as I can be with you, nothing else matters. I can not care about anything else at all!

First think it over yourself—do you really feel nothing for me in your heart? All these years, how much I have loved you, do you truly not know? No one’s heart is made of stone. You’re not an iceberg. Inside you, there should be at least a slightest, tiniest ripple because of everything I’ve done for you. Have you really never thought, in all these years, of truly being with me? Have you really never thought of staying safely by my side and spending the rest of your life with me? If you say you haven’t, I absolutely won’t believe it. Every look in your eyes can’t fool me. Every move you make can’t fool me. Every word you say, I know exactly what it means. But after knowing you so well for so many years, I’ve chosen to say nothing, because I chose to leave myself a way out.”

”And don’t ask me whether it’s worth it or not. I’ve been with you all these years and I’ve never regretted it. I don’t regret how much I’ve given up for you, even abandoning my own family. At least I got you. Even though all these years I’ve never had your heart, at the very least, I had you, your physical presence, and my heart was already content. I’m not the greedy sort. As long as I could have you, I was already satisfied. It’s just that human greed slowly, slowly swells. After getting your body, I always thought I had gained your heart too. But today I discovered your heart has never been with me. Of course I feel a sense of loss. I also want there to be a place for me in your heart. But I’ve realized that no matter what I do, I can’t surpass her, because your love for her is already rooted too deep, and I will always be nothing more than an obstacle stuck in the middle. You can clear away this stumbling block that is me at any time, because all you’ve ever wanted is to stay by her side. No matter what she ultimately does to you, you can gladly accept it, can’t you?”

Xia Jing nodded, let out a sigh, and said to her husband, ”You’re right. When I was with him, even though sometimes I cried because of him, those tears were happy tears. Back then I was already bought off by tears of happiness. I felt so joyful when I was with him, and it never crossed my mind that one day he would leave me. That kind of pain, I never want to experience again in this lifetime. All these years I’ve kept missing him deep inside, never forgetting him no matter where in the world he might be. It really is unfair to you—you’ve given me so, so much, yet in the end I have no way to give you the love you want.”

”Some things really aren’t mine to decide. Every decision a person makes comes with its price. I once gave so much; for him I didn’t even want my own life. And you also gave so much for me. I’ve seen all of it with my own eyes.”

”But now you know everything in my heart, you know that I don’t love you. So I want to ask you: do you still feel that everything you’ve given me is worth it? Am I worth you doing all this for me? Do you truly not regret it at all? You’ve sacrificed far too much for me, yet in the end I’ve given you this kind of outcome, wounding you over and over until you’re covered in scars. Do you really think being with me is still worth it? Am I still worth you abandoning all your power and riches for my sake?”

”There was never any such thing as ’worth it’ or ’not worth it’ in this world—only whether you’re willing or not. If every single thing has to be measured by worth, then what meaning is there in living in this world? If we really used ’worth it’ or ’not worth it’ to measure everything, do you think we would still be happy together? At that point, in each of our eyes, we’d only be thinking about whether what we’re doing is worth it, and never about whether it is something we ought to do at all.

I’ve already said it: I have never regretted anything I’ve ever done for you. And I hope you won’t ask me that kind of question anymore. These things can’t be decided by ’worth it or not’, and they can’t be measured by ’willing or not’. Your place in my heart cannot be measured, just like his place in your heart has already taken over your entire heart. You can understand that feeling. No matter what decisions you make in the future, I will not give up on you. Even if staying by my side, you’re just an empty shell, just a walking corpse, I’m still willing, sweetly and willingly, to pay any price for you.”

”You really are a fool, giving so much for a woman who isn’t worth it. I honestly have never seen anyone in this world as stupid as you. Maybe what you’re doing is right; maybe it will become the greatest pain of your life. All I can say is you’re far too foolish, so foolish that I don’t even have words to describe you anymore!”

I always thought a ruthless ending would shred all the beauty that once was—back then I was far, far too foolish.

I once had my heart shattered by your fickle love. I stood in the rain, and I just couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand the eternity of heaven and earth, and I even less understood why I had to cry for you, until my own eyes turned red.

Maybe I don’t have any talent, but I have the childlike innocence of dreams.