My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1537: Chapter 1331: Embrace

I repeat all my habits, no matter how much care there is, it’s just like this.

I’m used to everything, in the end, even if I lose it, I can only bear the pain alone.

”Grandfather, grandmother, perhaps you never knew how much your son was hurt. Everything you did was so selfish, when did you ever consider whether others would be hurt by your actions?

Perhaps when you were together, you never thought my father would be hurt this way, that one day he’d become like this. What you imagined of him was just someone who would give it all repeatedly for his own sake, because you never once considered that what you did would hurt your own family. Originally, deep down you were selfish, and gradually became more open-minded. Maybe you were really selfish back then, but after experiencing these things, you became more accepting. Everyone has their own path to walk, and after that person reached the path they most wanted to walk, they slowly got used to it all.

Previously, I was very afraid of anyone in the family saying anything bad to me, but gradually I got used to it, and I no longer care about what every family member says to me.

Looking back at everything I once sang, is it truly what I wanted the most?

I watched helplessly as the things I cared most about slowly won or lost, I helplessly watched the things that pained me the most hurt everything, gradually becoming further away, and there was nothing I could do.

No matter how many mistakes I’ve made, no matter how tired I am, when I calm down and look back at every mistake I’ve made, what have I become?

I hope my future life will not always be filled with pain and suffering; I hope my family won’t always be the ones getting hurt. I just wish for my family to live happily and joyfully. Maybe this is too simple for you to understand. Once, I hoped to have a heart that cares for the world, hoped that my family could get the happiest, most joyful happiness, but in the end, I got nothing. I watched helplessly as my family got hurt by you, and I’m powerless. Do you know that feeling of failure? I never felt so defeated. I got what I most wanted time after time, but only by exhausting my effort to obtain it. Like my father and mother gave everything over and over again, but nobody ever considered from their perspective, damn it, is living not tough enough? They always thought to leave the best for us, but we left them with what kind of return, after hurting them again and again, still we have to accept it inevitably.

Grandfather and grandmother, I’m not afraid of you hurting me again and again, but I truly beg you, beg you to let my father and mother go, let them live a little bit more happily, just a little more, and I will be eternally grateful to you. For so many years, the so-called pain and pressure my parents have borne, no one has ever considered it from their perspective. I’m the child; how could I possibly let my parents bear all the hurt, while I as their offspring, can only watch from behind? I can’t stand idly by, I want to go up and hug them, comfort them, but I can’t take that step. I’m afraid to stand in front of my mother to comfort her, that the moment would make her burst into tears, I’m afraid every word she says would leave me with no words to comfort her. My mother always gave the best of everything to me; she always believed the most perfect thing in the world is to have her child be happy. But when I was bullied time and again, she always stood unswervingly by my side to support me, to give me faith. Has anyone ever considered how distressing this feeling is for me now?”

”I know what you’re saying today, I understand it’s me who’s hurt your dad and mom. If it weren’t for our existence, your parents wouldn’t be living such hard lives. Seeing them like this, even as elders, deep down we don’t feel good. But we have no other choice. When we chose this path, the ending was already destined, wasn’t it? We just wish they could live peacefully, even if that peace isn’t forever, even if it’s just a moment, that too is a kind of happiness for me.

I so hope to see my child live happily, I desperately wish to see my child smile every day, with all the happiness and joy being what I give him. I hope in front of my child, I’m not a coward, but someone who can give everything for his family and not be afraid of any harm.

Once, I naively made every decision, thinking that as long as I could live happily, I wouldn’t care even if my family got hurt. But later I gradually found, every mistake I made was unforgivable. I hurt the family members who love me the most, time and time again. I never understood why I made those choices and decisions back then. I hurt everyone at home who genuinely loves me. Time and again, I took their love and tolerance as tools to use, I don’t understand what to do to bring everything back to its original state. I got scared. I never have a day where I’m not afraid of this happening again. I’m living in constant fear, I’ve really had enough and don’t want my spirit to be tortured anymore.

Child, I know you say these things for the good of your parents. You also know the life your mom and dad are living now might be different from what we imagined. Everyone imagines a life of happiness without regret. But is the life we’re living now truly what we want? Look at your mother in the hospital now, and your father anxiously pacing as if mad. And yet, we could only bring you harm time and again. Isn’t our leaving this home the best result and solution for you?

Do you really hope for us to stay and make this home a chaotic mess with no peace left?”

As usual, I walk down the street with dark circles under my eyes, reminiscing the companionship, who could forget the embrace?