My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1504: Chapter 1298: Loss

Actually, never think I’ll give up, because I’ll wait until the daybreak where you will realize that the world is still turning, and you are still alive. When you drag yourself to that moment, you will again discover that the world is doing just fine.

Ending a relationship is certainly not as convenient as moving house, but there are too many details, too many fragments piled up in the room of memories that no one can easily forget.

Zhang Yichen once saw how my good family, step by step, reached such a state. He has always been unable to believe that it was the scene he least wanted to see in this lifetime, yet he never imagined that I, whom he least wanted to witness it, eventually did see it.

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”Now in your eyes, you may think I’ve completely lost my mind, but do you know that this is the real me? I can give up everything for the person I love the most, even my rationality. For him, I can act without thinking, without consulting my mind, but I can’t do it for you because you are not the person I love in my heart, and the person I think of is not you. Even when I’m with you and sometimes laugh, it’s not my true happiness. What I want is just to stay by her side, to stay by the side of the person I love the most. In fact, this is already an impossible thing, but I’m still hoping. I hope that one day heaven will favor me!”

”But do you know that the way you’ve become now—you say it’s for the person you love the most—seeing you like this, would hurt him too. How would he bear to see the girl he once loved deeply become like this, having completely lost her mind, acting without any thought? Do you know how that would make him feel inside? Why don’t you ever consider others’ perspectives when doing things? Why do you have to be so selfish and self-serving? Your selfishness scares me. I can’t treat you the same as before, but you don’t have to retaliate against me like this. Do you think I’ve stopped loving you? Do you think after discovering the truth behind everything, I’ll hate you completely? You’re wrong, terribly wrong. Even if you did this, in my heart I still see you as the person I care about the most!”

Can’t you try loving me just once? Look at your little brother and his wife, see how happy they are together. Look at Xiao Wei and Jiayuan; they’re so happy and content. Why can’t we live like them? Is it because your heart belongs to someone else, you must pay any price to insult me? Why do you have to treat me so selfishly? Why can’t the love I give to you earn even a little sincerity from you? For so many years, I’ve been hoping that someday you could wholly focus your heart on me, but now it looks like that day will never come because your heart isn’t here with this family. The woman does stay, but her heart isn’t here. Why do I only ask for a crack yet can’t get your heart? After so much I’ve given, I’m left with just your presence but not your heart, leaving me feeling unbearable!”

”I’m sorry. I know these consequences will bring you great psychological harm and great shock, but do you know since the day I saw him, I swore I would never fall in love with anyone again in this life, no matter how much they sacrifice for me, even if it costs their life. I can only feel moved, but I will never fall in love because I want to keep my heart for the man I love the most. My heart can only hold him; absolutely no other man can fit in regardless of the world’s ending; I will never regret the mistakes I’ve made, ultimately bearing the responsibility on my own. Again and again of hurting, again and again. Don’t let this lifetime be the one where I’m unable to go back to my old life, I’ve truly regretted everything I’ve done. There’s truly no way to restore things to their original perfect state, but now all I know is I really do love her, and for her, I’m willing to pay any price. My life has been depleted, my ideas are completely gone, and what I give her now is just obsessions. I’ve walked to today entirely supported by my obsession with him!

I know you are my husband, and I know this is a legally unchangeable fact. We are already married and have lived together for so many years, but my heart has never forgotten him. He has become deeply rooted in my heart. How could I just casually and easily forget him? If that’s the case, then I don’t deserve to be your wife. If that’s the case, then I don’t deserve to bear my son. You know, the best return I gave you is our son, but the heart can’t belong to you. I’ve given you the family descendants, but I can only eternally bury my heart. I need to keep my heart for her, even though she will never come back to me. But in me, there will always be only her love which will continue as I live, and when I die this love will remain because after my death I will carry this love into the coffin, into the soil, and even on the day of reincarnation, I will carry it. I will remember him in this heart forever, never forgetting!

Don’t think I’m too obsessed, don’t think I’m too foolish, but I am willing to do this for the person I love the most. And wouldn’t you abandon your family, your father, your entire family for me? You say you can abandon all these things, in my eyes I can abandon too, but not for you, for her. I may make your heart even more troubled, but I can only express everything clearly today. Otherwise, this lifetime you’ll only keep sinking deeper, unable to extricate yourself. I’ve found his embrace, seen his love, there is no turning back for me this lifetime. I don’t wish for you to walk this road too, I hope you can consider my inner decision!”

”I understand, in your heart I’ll never compare to her. Since you’ve done this, what else can I say? You love him so much, why don’t you go to him? Why waste time here with me? Don’t you know your presence only constantly reminds me of the huge mistake I’ve made? Why did I abandon everything I originally should have had for an unworthy woman ruining my great life?”

I really don’t know how to say it. He knew it was all his fault, but is it really entirely his fault? Maybe it truly is, but he has no way to prevent himself; falling in love with the man he loves the most, there’s no way back this lifetime. Why still try all sorts of methods to force yourself to turn back? Isn’t it too unfair?

At that moment he finally realized that after being hurt countless times, a person’s true heart, already weathered and entirely scarred, would never love again. It was a heart incapable of loving again.

That heart, because of someone’s actions, was completely devoid of warmth. It now exists only with cold blood, only with icy winds, forever without spring, without bright sunshine, so that heart can only be ruthless.

But if you endure enduring and don’t touch it, it won’t be dangerous. Actually, you didn’t change, nor did I change, not until the end will we understand this; isn’t life just for fulfilling desires? It’s a pity you and I wished for different things.