My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1130: Chapter 990: The Heart That Does Not Love

Zhang Yichen once saw my good family, step by step, deteriorating to such a degree. He never believed that it would be the scene he most wished not to see in his life, yet he never expected to witness it despite his reluctance.

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”Now, in your eyes, you might think that I have completely lost my sanity, but do you know that this is the real me? I can give up everything for the person I love the most, even my sanity. I can act impulsively for him, without thinking, following my heart without reasoning. But I can’t do that for you because you’re not the one I love in my heart, nor the one I think about. Even though sometimes I smile when I’m with you, it’s not genuine happiness. What I want is to stay by her side, stay by the side of the person I love the most. Actually, this is something that can no longer happen, yet I am still hoping. I’m hoping that one day heaven will show mercy to me!”

”But do you know how much it pains the person you love the most to see you like this? How can he bear to see the girl he once loved so dearly become like this, completely losing her sanity, acting without any thought, only knowing to blindly follow her own desires again and again? Don’t you know how he would feel? Why don’t you consider others’ perspectives when you do these things? Why are you so selfish and self-centered that you scare me? I will never treat you the same way as before, but you don’t have to take revenge on me like this. Do you think I no longer love you? Do you think after knowing the truth, I’ll completely hate you? You’re wrong, utterly wrong. Even after all this, I still regard you as the most important person in my heart!

Can’t you try to love me just once? Look at your brother and sister-in-law; see how happy they are together. Look at Xiao Wei and Jiayuan; see how happy and joyful they are now. Why can’t we live like them? Is it because your heart is set on someone else, and I’m the one who has to pay the price for it all? Why do you treat me so selfishly and self-centered? Why can’t my love be met with even a little of your sincerity? I’ve been waiting all these years for you to wholeheartedly place your heart on me, but it seems that day will never come because your heart is not here at home. Physically you’re here, but your heart is not. Why do I have to settle for a shell and not your heart? I’ve given so much, and in the end, I can only have your presence, not your heart. How can I bear such a feeling?”

”I’m sorry. I know this result will bring you great mental harm and distress. But do you know, from the day I saw you, I swore I would never love anyone else in my life. No matter how much that person sacrifices for me, even if it’s his life, I can only feel moved, but I absolutely cannot love him because I must keep my heart for the man I love the most. My heart can only contain him; no other man can fit in, no matter what the world’s end holds. I don’t regret once the mistakes I’ve made. In the end, I’ll have to bear the responsibility. Wounds inflicted time and again, one after another, don’t leave me any chance to go back to the way things were. I truly regret every decision I made. There’s no way to returns things to how perfect they once were. Now, I only know how much I love her. For her, I’ll pay any cost. My life is depleted, my ideals are gone, and what I give her now is only passion. Every step of my journey until today was sustained by this obsession!

I know you are my husband. I know that’s an unchangeable fact in the eyes of the law. We are married and have been living together for so many years. But I’ve never forgotten him in my heart. He is deeply rooted in my soul. How could I easily forget him like that? If I could, I wouldn’t be worthy of being your wife. If I could, I wouldn’t be worthy of bearing our son. Do you understand? The best thing I’ve given you is our son. But my heart can’t be yours. I’ve provided you an heir, but I have to forever bury my heart. I will keep it for her, even if she will never return to my side, my love for her persists in my heart. Alive, this love exists; deceased, this love stays. After my death, I’ll carry this love into the coffin, into the earth, and on the day of my return, I’ll bring it with me again. In my heart, across lifetimes, I’ll remember her and never forget!

Don’t think I’m too infatuated, don’t think I’m too foolish. But for the person I love, it’s worth it. Aren’t you ready to abandon your family, your father, your entire clan for me? You say you can give up everything. In my eyes, I can still give it up, but not for you, for her. What I’ve done may add salt to your wounds, but today I can only clarify everything in one go. Otherwise, you’ll remain trapped for life, unable to extricate yourself. I’ve found solace in his embrace, within my love for him. There’s no way back for me in this life. I hope you won’t walk the same path. Hope you’ll consider the choices of my heart!”

”I understand now. In your heart, I will never surpass her. Since you’ve done this, what else can I say? You like him so much, you love him so much, why not go to him? Why waste time with me here? Don’t you know your presence constantly reminds me of the huge mistake I made? Why did I give up everything I should’ve had, my great life, for an unworthy woman?”

Not sure how to explain it, he knows it’s all his fault, but is everything truly his fault? Maybe it is, but he has no choice, does he? After falling in love with the man he loves the most, there’s no turning back in this life. Why force himself into a corner? Isn’t this too unfair?

At that moment, he realized that once a person’s sincerity has been hurt countless times, that heart, weathered and battered, will never love again; it is a heart that will no longer love.

That heart lost its warmth entirely because of someone’s actions, leaving it with only cold blood and frigid snow, never again feeling spring or sunshine. Hence, that heart can only remain cruel!