The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 370: Chapter 370 - One Wrong Answer

Roxie woke up with her face pressed against Zac’s chest and one leg thrown over his.

For a few seconds, she didn’t move. Her whole body felt heavy in the best way, warm under the blanket and tucked into him like there was nowhere else she was supposed to be. Zac’s arm was around her waist, his hand loose against her back.

At some point during the night, she had stolen his shirt. It hung over her now, soft and too big, smelling like him.

Zac had apparently given up on clothes completely.

Roxie opened one eye, looked under the blanket, then looked back up again. Still naked. She smiled against his chest because last night had been worth being tired for. Very worth it.

Zac’s hand shifted against her back. ”You’re awake.” His voice was rough from sleep.

Roxie closed her eyes again. ”No.”

”You were looking.”

”I was checking if you were breathing.”

”Under the blanket?”

”That part was unrelated.”

His chest moved with a quiet laugh, and Roxie smiled before tucking herself closer. She had already decided she was staying there all morning. Maybe all day. Zac didn’t have work. She didn’t have anywhere to go. Nobody was supposed to need either of them, and a completely useless Sunday sounded perfect.

Zac shifted underneath her, and Roxie immediately pressed her palm against his chest. ”Behave.”

”I didn’t do anything.”

”You were about to.”

”You don’t know that.”

”I know you.”

His mouth brushed the top of her head. ”Then you know I’m innocent.”

Roxie lifted her face and stared at him. Zac smiled, and she narrowed her eyes. ”You are never innocent.”

”I was last night.”

Her face heated instantly. ”Zac.”

”What?”

”Stop.”

He already looked pleased with himself, so she pinched his side. He jerked and laughed, catching her hand before she could do it again.

”Violent this early.”

”You survived last night. You’ll survive this.”

The smile that spread across his face made Roxie regret speaking. She covered his mouth with her hand before he could say anything, but his eyes laughed at her and he kissed her palm, which somehow made it worse. She pulled her hand away and buried her face against his chest again, trying to ignore that she could still feel him smiling.

Everything was nice.

The room was quiet except for the air conditioner and the faint sounds outside. Her legs were sore, her hair was probably a disaster, and Zac’s fingers were moving slowly up and down her back like he had no plans of letting her go. She almost fell asleep again.

Then Tennessee came back into her head.

It slipped in quietly, like it had only been waiting for the room to get peaceful. New York. Karen and Angela. Tennessee. Zac and Dylan. That call with the coach yesterday. Roxie kept tracing a finger over Zac’s chest, trying to ignore the thought, but it stayed there anyway.

”Did the coach say anything else yesterday?”

Zac’s hand stopped for a second before moving again. ”About Tennessee?”

”Yeah.”

”Mostly summer stuff.”

Roxie lifted her head. ”What summer stuff?”

”Nothing big.”

”Zac.”

He looked at the ceiling, and that made her stomach tighten before he even answered. ”They want us there early.”

”How early?”

”A few weeks after graduation.”

She stared at him. ”A few weeks?”

”Yeah.”

”I thought you had most of summer.”

”So did I.”

The warm feeling in her body started disappearing. A few weeks after graduation was barely time. Graduation already felt close, and she had been thinking there would still be summer. Time to breathe. Time to figure out apartments. Time to decide what she was actually doing besides following Zac to another state.

”When did you find out?”

”Yesterday. That’s why I was at Dylan’s so long.”

Roxie nodded slowly. ”So you’re leaving early?”

Zac went quiet.

Only then did Roxie realize she had said you.

Not we.

She looked down quickly, but Zac had already heard it. His hand stayed against her back, but it wasn’t moving anymore.

”Looks like it,” he said. ”Dylan too.”

”Friends together for college.” Roxie forced a small smile. ”That’s good.”

”It helps.”

”Yeah. Dylan can keep you alive.”

Zac snorted, but it sounded weaker now. ”He’s already being annoying about paperwork.”

”Good. Someone has to be.”

”I can handle paperwork.”

”You missed an email from your coach.”

”One email.”

”An important one.”

Zac pinched her side. Roxie laughed and slapped his hand away, but the laugh didn’t last long. They went quiet again, and she tried to settle back against him. She tried to put her cheek on his chest and return to the soft morning they had been having, but now she could hear the clock in her head. Graduation. A few weeks. Tennessee. Apartment. Jobs. Programs.

”When are we actually getting one?”

Zac looked down. ”One what?”

”An apartment.”

”We should probably start calling the places we saved.”

”We saved like twenty.”

”You saved twenty. I saved five.”

”Because you rejected everything.”

”They had terrible kitchens.”

”You’re going to college to play football, Zac. You’re not opening a restaurant.”

”I want a good kitchen.”

”To cook?”

”To cook for you.”

Roxie’s chest softened before she could stop it, but the fear came right behind it. There it was again. For you. For us. A life he could see so clearly. A life where she was already there.

”I can cook,” she muttered.

Zac looked at her.

Roxie glared. ”Fuck you.”

”I didn’t say anything.”

”You thought it.”

He smiled a little, but Roxie looked away because the question had already settled in her throat. She held it there for a few seconds, hoping it would disappear if she ignored it long enough. It didn’t.

”What am I even going to do there?”

Zac’s smile disappeared. ”What?”

”I’m just saying.”

”Saying what?”

His voice had changed. It wasn’t loud, and it wasn’t even mean. It just went flat, and that was almost worse.

Roxie pushed herself off his chest and sat up, tugging his shirt lower over her thighs. ”Forget it.”

Zac stared at her. ”You’re really doing this right now?”

Her stomach tightened. ”Doing what?”

”This.”

He sat up too, the blanket falling around his waist. His hair was still messy from sleep, his mouth still looked soft from kissing her, and somehow that made the look on his face worse. Five minutes ago, he had been laughing. Now he looked like she had shoved him away.

”I asked one question,” Roxie said.

”You asked what you’re going to do in Tennessee.”

”Because I don’t know.”

Zac gave a short laugh and looked away. Roxie’s face warmed.

”Wow. Okay.”

”I didn’t say anything.”

”You laughed.”

”Because, Jesus, Roxie.” He rubbed both hands over his face, then dropped them. ”I thought we were past this.”

There it was. Roxie felt it hit her chest.

”We talked about it,” she said.

”Yeah. That’s why I thought we were past it.”

”I’m allowed to still be nervous.”

”You’re always nervous.”

The room went still.

Zac looked back at her like he wanted to grab the words and shove them back into his own mouth, but it was too late. Roxie’s throat tightened, and she climbed off the bed before he could say her name.

Her shorts were on the floor near the foot of the bed. She grabbed them and pulled them on under his shirt, but her hands shook while she did it, and seeing that made the guilt press harder under her ribs. She wasn’t angry first.

She was guilty, because he had been happy minutes ago. They both had. He had been warm under her, sleepy and smiling, and somehow, she had dragged them back to the same fight they never knew how to finish.

Her fingers caught on the waistband, and she cursed under her breath while yanking the shorts higher. She hated that Zac probably saw her shaking. She hated that he probably thought she was scared of him. She wasn’t. At least, she didn’t think she was.

She was scared of Tennessee, leaving, choosing wrong, needing him too much, hurting him because she could never say yes without dragging a question behind it. Somehow, every time she tried to explain that, it came out like he was the problem.

”I’m sorry,” she muttered.

Zac blinked.

The apology seemed to throw him off more than her anger would have. Roxie looked away and folded her arms over her stomach.

”I didn’t mean to start this. I just asked.”

”I know.”

”You’re mad.”

”I’m trying not to be.”

That hurt. Roxie looked at him then, really looked at him. Zac was sitting on the bed with his jaw tight and one hand rubbing the back of his neck, looking like he wanted to say ten things and hated all of them.

”I’m not trying to back out,” she said.

”Okay.”

She hated that word. ”Don’t say okay like that.”

”How am I saying it?”

”Like you don’t believe me.”

Zac looked at her for a long moment before he said, ”I’m trying to.”

The words were quiet, and they landed worse than shouting.

Roxie hugged herself tighter. ”I do want to go with you.”

”Then why does every talk about Tennessee feel like I’m begging you?”

”You’re not begging me.”

”It feels like it.”

”I said I’m coming.”

”Yeah. Then you ask what you’re even going to do there like I’m dragging you to prison.”

”I didn’t say that.”

”You don’t have to.”

Roxie laughed once, sharp and ugly. ”Great. So now you know what I mean better than I do.”

”No. I just know how it sounds.”

”Well, it sounds wrong.”

”Then say it right.”

”I’m trying!” Her voice cracked on the last word, and Zac went quiet again, which somehow made everything worse. ”I don’t know how to make it sound right. You have everything there. Football. Dylan. The coach. People calling you. People waiting for you. You already belong there.”

Zac stared at her.

”I have apartments we saved because you like the kitchen.”

”You saved most of them.”

”Because I was trying.”

”So was I.”

”By choosing everything first?”

His jaw tightened.

Roxie knew she had gone too far the second his face changed, but the words were already out, and fear had a way of making her reach for sharper ones.

”You chose Tennessee first,” she said. ”Then I had to figure out where I fit.”

Zac gave another short laugh, but this one had no humor in it. ”Cool.”

”Don’t do that.”

”Do what?”

”That thing where you act like you don’t care.”

”I care too much. That’s the fucking problem.”

Roxie’s mouth shut.

Zac threw the blanket off and reached for his sweatpants. Her stomach dropped as he pulled them on.

”What are you doing?”

”Getting dressed.”

”Why?”

”I’m going to Dylan’s.”

Roxie blinked. ”Now?”

”Yeah.”

”I thought this was your day off.”

”It is.”

”You said we were staying here today.”

”I know what I said.”

The words were too flat, and she flinched before she could stop herself. Zac saw it. His expression changed immediately, but he looked away and grabbed his shirt from the chair.

”I have paperwork.”

”You have paperwork because I asked about Tennessee?”

”I have paperwork because I missed shit and Dylan actually reads his email.”

”That’s not why you’re leaving.”

”Roxie.”

”It’s not.”

He pulled the shirt over his head too fast, and it got stuck around one arm before he yanked it down like the shirt had done something wrong.

”I’m leaving because if I stay, we’re going to fight.”

”We’re already fighting.”

”Exactly.”

Roxie crossed her arms tighter. ”So you’re walking out.”

Zac turned toward her fast. ”I’m trying not to say something shitty.”

”You already did.”

His mouth closed, and for one second, Roxie felt the hit land. Then the tiny satisfaction disappeared because he looked hurt, and she looked away first.

”I’m sorry,” she said again, quieter. ”I know I keep doing this.”

Zac stayed silent.

”I know it’s annoying.”

”It’s not annoying.”

”Then what is it?”

He stared at the floor.

”That bad?”

His jaw flexed. ”It scares me.”

Roxie looked at him.

He looked embarrassed the second it came out, like he hated admitting it, but he still said it again, rougher this time. ”It scares me. Every time you talk like this, I feel like I’m one wrong answer away from you deciding you can’t come.”

Her throat tightened.

”That’s not fair.”

”I know.”

”Then why say it?”

”Because it’s true.”

Roxie’s eyes burned. She hated that he was right to feel that way. She hated that she had made him feel that way.

”I thought we were going to stay in,” she said.

It came out small.

Zac’s hand tightened around his keys. ”I know.”

”You said it.”

”I know.”

”It’s your day off.”

He looked at her then, and for one second his face softened. Then he swallowed and shook his head.

”I can’t sit in bed with you all day and pretend this isn’t in my head now.”

Roxie looked down.

That was honest enough to hurt.

”Fine,” she said, and it came out harsh because anything softer would break.

Zac nodded once. ”Fine.”

She wanted him to stay. She wanted him to come back to the bed and pull her into him again. She wanted him to kiss her forehead. She wanted him to be mad and still stay.

Instead, he went to the door.

”Text me when you get there,” she said before she could stop herself.

Zac looked back, and that stupid habit hurt both of them. She saw it on his face.

”I will.”

Then he left.

Roxie stood in the middle of the room wearing his shirt and her shorts, listening to his footsteps move down the hallway. She didn’t cry right away. She was too full of guilt, fear, anger at herself, and Tennessee.

The front door opened downstairs, then closed.

Roxie sat on the edge of the bed. The room still smelled like him.

That was when the tears came.