Rising Shards

”Hehehe. Maybe we should do something like that again soon.”

I wondered if we would that day. We were both definitely keyed up, and had all the time in the world to explore how keyed up we were. This was already proving to be a good escape from how stressful it was to meet up with my mom, too, as well as the whole Anastasia thing. We were both inching toward the diving boards, but it remained to be seen if we’d jump off one of a familiar height, or go for a more daring higher dive into a pool of intimacy.

”We should...” Oka said.

I sat up, almost ready to try something right there. I had an idea for something we could do alone that I kept thinking would be fun, and I had a feeling I’d be suggesting it before this date was over.

Oka took a deep breath, clearly working up the nerve to type the next thing. ”But for right now, I really just want to talk about sex with you. Sorry if that’s really blunt, but I wanna talk about it! I mean, we already were talking about it, but I want more than just stuff we said already.”

”I do too! I guess with the topic decided...”

”Now we go from where to start to where to go next.” Oka said.

”Yeah...” I said.

Oka typed for a minute or so, and I glanced over at her crafting a giant wall of text. I almost responded while she typed, but she kept going for minutes more, so this was clearly something she needed to get off her chest, so I didn’t interfere until I received an even longer wall of text than I was prepared for.

”Before we really begin, I want to just say. It’s like. We all have parts of ourselves that we show to the world, right? Different selves, the side we show the world isn’t always the side we keep in our heads. I think I have a lot of sides, and I think I’ve shown you at least most of them, even the less pleasant ones, like my angry side, I don’t like to let that one out. And I do talk to Lillia a bit just about how attracted I am to you, and our other friends, but not in great detail obviously, and I still keep the deepest parts of my attraction locked away to just myself. It’s hard when there’s a side of you that only you know about that you want to share with your beloved girlfriend, but you fear the response. I can’t deny that there’s a part of me that I try to keep locked up, because I can’t let her out when I’m just like out in public with you, you know? It’s a part of me that’s, well, very filled with desires. Desires that I fear you may think myself perverted for having. Though is it a perversion to merely have desires? It’s something that keeps me up at night when I think about the perfection that is your body and what I want to do with said body. Is that too much? I know I’m being silly, I’ve seen you naked, I’ve felt your boobs and your butt...can I say ass? Ass feels better, more mature for the more mature topic at hand. Your ass, rather, feels so good in my hands and it’s gorgeous too, truly perfect. Your whole body, really. I want to describe it in detail further, but I’m scared! What do I even say about the rest, can I type out the intimate parts of your body I want to explore without cringing and embarrassing myself? I’m not entirely sure, but even if I trip and stumble over my words and find myself humiliated, I do mean it that I think every part of you is beautiful. Even still, the towering threat of shame looming over me, I feel this incredible pull to tell you. This is the me I fear, the side of me that is filled with not only love for you but lust as well. My mind and body are begging me to open those big doors, letting you see that side I’ve never shown anyone. But it’s scary. What if I’m too much? What if I talk about your body in a way that makes you uncomfortable? What if you’re not on the same level of charged up hormones that I am? What if I’m ready for something that you’re not? Again, these are questions that weigh heavily on me, and I do want to keep what we have going, and I don’t want to ruin it with my perversions, but if you feel similarly to how I do, it may make things easier. But again, what if I’m too much? So please go easy on me if I find it difficult to pry these doors open, and please don’t judge me too harshly on the side of me we shall find within.”

”Give me one sec to read all of that,” I said. I think that was the longest text I’d ever received, breaking Oka’s previous record, a time when she sent a whole essay about why an actor performing in a famous play she saw in LE completely failed to live up to the legacy of said play.

”I AM SO SORRY IM SO BAD AT THIS,” Oka sent a bunch of sobbing emojis to go along with that.

”You aren’t!!!” I said. Even though we loved each other, and we’d been together a while, it was humbling in a way getting a long message like that. Having someone I love being so into me that she was struggling putting into words (well, struggling with figuring out what particular words to use, not words in general given the wall of text) just how much she was attracted to me, wanting me to feel safe and comfortable as we figured it out...it made me want to treat her with the utmost care, to help shoulder the responsibility of our desires, to make this easier on us both.

”PLEASE DON’T HATE ME I KNOW I JUST WROTE LIKE A NOVEL ABOUT YOUR ASS BASICALLY”

”You just have a lot of feelings you wanna get out,” I said. I didn’t have anyone to talk about these kinds of feelings with either, which was probably good overall, the two of us were dating, so we could figure this out together. ”Trust me, you’re totally fine, I will let you know if you get too much, and I expect the same of you for me. But overall I think I’m...in a similar situation. So let’s open our doors together?”

”That sounds like a euphemism for something, but I’m not sure what.”