My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1895: Chapter 1690: Neither Crying Nor Smiling

When I could only bury my head and cry bitterly, I realized I was the only one still struggling in a past dream; it turns out I deserved all of this.

Zhang Zhentian understood what his wife truly thought deep down, but there were things he really couldn’t express aloud. Everyone has their own dignity and face, and every action they take affects them, with equal costs. No one is willing, and he lives on time after time. Is it really that exhausting to live? Why can’t he find the life he desires? Why has his life been so unbearably bitter? Even though he knows how it will end, he’s ultimately engulfed by pain, living in it forever with no reprieve.

Xia Jing sensed Zhang Zhentian’s feelings, realizing she maybe shouldn’t have been so blunt, that it might really harm the family’s harmony. She apologized to her father-in-law.

”Zhentian, I’m sorry. I know when you hear such words from your daughter-in-law, your heart must ache incredibly. But I truly don’t want to hide my feelings anymore. I just wish to live with the one I love most. If he could return to me, I’d give up everything, even my life. If time offered me another chance, I’d rather stand in the middle of the road and let all the cars run over me, shattering me to pieces, just for one last look at my beloved in the hospital. That would be the happiest thing for me. If I could see him see me one more time, I would be satisfied. Life may be filled with hardships, but why does my life have to be so fraught with obstacles? Can’t I have a moment of simple happiness and joy? Life has continually pushed me into the abyss of misery, and my actions have destroyed all my happiness.

I buried the source of my happiness with my own hands. I don’t know how many mistakes I’ve made or how many people I’ve wronged, but I know this time my heart was truly moved. And once you’re moved, you can’t win. From the moment I knew my heart was genuinely touched by him, I realized I’d have no chance of winning this life, because my heart belongs to him. No matter where he goes, my heart will follow, even to the ends of the earth.

Throughout my life, I can’t even grasp the extent of my own sorrow. The person I want never comes to me. My career aspirations never go smoothly. I just want to know why in the same lifetime I must endure so many experiences and setbacks. The person I wanted has left me. My career dreams are shattered. I want a happy life, yet I endlessly struggle through countless dark nights, reaching for help, hoping the bright life could save me. And my bright life solely depends on her, my first love boyfriend!”

”Forget it. No matter what I say, you won’t listen. I don’t want to interfere in the matters between you and my son anymore. Do as you wish, but I hope you both can show mercy in the end. Don’t do things that will make both more heartbroken. Can’t past things remain in the past? Why do you have to bring them up repeatedly, causing everyone around to live in agony time and again?”

”I’ve thought it over. But for him, I could disregard my life. When I was willing to be hospitalized from drinking too much, I already knew I was deeply entangled and couldn’t extricate myself. I didn’t know how to make my presence felt. I could only choose to hurt her, never realizing it would end up hurting myself. When will this millennium wait end so he might turn back to me? I don’t know. I’ve called him countless times; it all went to the blacklist. Who could know my despair, my pain? When I saw he deleted all my information and resources, who knew how hopeless I was? I warned myself over and over not to make mistakes, as long as I could live happily with him. Why make everyone unhappy along with me? Yet, in the end, I let him down; I lost him. Remembering all the days and nights we’ve spent together, remembering the happy times we shared, my heart is filled with anguish. Others see the night scene as colorful, but to me, it’s sorrowful, bleak, devoid of any light. I can’t see a glimmer of brightness in that dark place inside me. There’s no hope for light, unless he comes back to me!

Perhaps none of you will ever understand my pain, but I truly want to tell you I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him to the point I’ll no longer care about anything else. I love him enough to give my life for her. I love him enough to let go of everything I care for. Yet, ultimately, I couldn’t keep him by my side. How incompetent am I if I can’t keep the one I love most? I’ve thought about what I could do to win him back

Having done wrong, no matter how heaven treats me, I can only accept all the punishments, for I have no choice.

I won’t bring up these things again. I’ll try to think about how to live happily, but I can’t. Whenever I close my eyes, my mind is filled with images of us holding hands. I have never forgotten the happy moments with him over the years. Our happiness was the most blissful time of my life, and even though those times are gone, my heart will always love her. No matter the distance or whether he marries, my love is deep-rooted, genuine, and cannot be erased by anything. Time may prove everything, but time is also a liar!”

”This pain I’ve inflicted upon myself; never trust time. It only brings pain, never healing the wounds in your heart. I’ve numbed myself time and again, just to live a worry-free life. But I’ve ended up altering everything, and it’s due to my actions. No one else to blame; I’ve indeed lived a life of profound suffering!”

You’ve been gone so long, and yet I’m still here foolishly waiting, hoping one day you could return to me.