The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 284: Chapter 284 - No Halfway

Zac immediately moved closer, stopping at the edge of the doorway. ”Rox, listen to me.”

”No.”

”Please.”

”You came here asking for me back and that’s your answer?”

”I could tell you I’ll never leave you. I could swear I’ll never get scared again or never think about ending things again, but you’d know I’m saying it because you’re crying and I’m fucking terrified you’re going to shut this door.”

Roxie stared at him.

Zac wiped roughly at his face. ”I don’t want to lie to you because I want you back.”

Her throat tightened.

”I don’t know what happens five years from now, Rox. I don’t know what happens next year. I don’t even know how many times we’re going to fuck this up before we learn how to stop hurting each other.”

”That isn’t exactly making me feel better.”

”I know.”

”Zac.”

”But I know what leaving you felt like.”

His voice cracked.

Roxie went quiet.

”I thought breaking up with you would protect me from something worse happening later. I thought if I left before college, before Tennessee, before you had the chance to choose something else, then maybe I’d have control over how badly it hurt.”

He swallowed.

”I was fucking wrong.”

Roxie’s eyes filled again.

”I didn’t protect myself. I just hurt you before you ever did anything to me. Then I spent every day missing you anyway. I was fucking losing my mind even though I was the one who gave up the right to stay with you.”

Zac rubbed both hands over his face before forcing himself to look at her again.

”And today I finally understood that I was still doing the same thing. I was trying to keep you close enough that I wouldn’t lose you completely while still protecting myself from actually being with you.”

Roxie pressed her lips together.

”I wanted friendship because I was scared of losing you and scared of choosing you at the same fucking time.”

”And now?”

”Now I’m more scared of losing you because I was too much of a coward to try.”

Roxie’s face crumpled.

Zac stepped closer again and stopped before touching the door.

”I don’t know how to prove tonight that I’m staying. I can’t. But I can stop running because I’m scared something might happen years from now.”

She stared at him.

”I want you, Rox. I want the relationship. I want all the shit that comes with it, even the parts that scare me.”

Roxie’s tears kept coming.

”What if I still don’t choose Tennessee?”

Zac’s jaw tightened immediately.

That reaction made her chest hurt because Tennessee still mattered.

”I still want you there.”

Roxie looked away.

”I’m not going to lie about that either. When I think about college, I still think about Tennessee. I still picture you there. I want that so fucking badly.”

”I can’t promise you that.”

”I know.”

”I might choose somewhere else.”

”I know.”

”You might hate where I choose.”

”I probably will.”

Roxie stared at him.

Zac’s face tightened. ”I’m trying to be honest. I’ll probably argue with you. I’ll probably try to convince you Tennessee is better until you’re ready to kill me.”

”That isn’t funny.”

”I know.”

His voice softened.

”But you choosing somewhere else doesn’t mean you didn’t choose me.”

Roxie stopped.

Zac looked directly at her.

”I get that now.”

Her throat tightened.

”I kept treating your uncertainty about Tennessee like uncertainty about us. They aren’t the same thing.”

Roxie wiped beneath her eyes.

”You really think you can live with that?”

”I don’t fucking know.”

Her face fell.

Zac immediately continued.

”I mean I don’t know what living with it looks like. Maybe it sucks. Maybe we’re hours apart. Maybe we fight about it constantly until one of us gives in or figures something else out. I have no idea.”

He took a breath.

”But I want to actually get there before I decide we’re doomed.”

Roxie cried harder.

That was all she had ever been asking for.

A chance to reach the future before being forced to know it.

”I barely ever thought that far ahead,” she admitted. ”You kept asking me about college. I spent most of my life worrying about what was happening right now. I’m scared to try to imagine a future.”

He rubbed a hand over his face. ”I don’t know what you want me to say.”

”I want you to make me stop being scared.”

His expression changed.

Roxie’s voice broke completely. ”I want you to say something that makes me know this won’t happen again because I want you back so fucking badly and I’m terrified I’m going to let you in and we’re going to destroy each other all over again.”

Zac went completely still.

Roxie pressed both hands over her face, crying harder now that she had finally admitted it.

”What if we get back together and we’re still like that?” Roxie asked. ”What if two weeks from now I’m using somebody else to piss you off because I’m scared and you’re grabbing me? What if we love each other and we’re still fucking suck at it?”

”I don’t want that.”

”Neither did I before.”

”I know.”

”Then what changed?”

Zac looked at her for a moment.

”I know leaving isn’t the answer anymore.”

”I want everything back, and that’s why I’m scared.” Her voice cracked. ”Because if you leave me again, I don’t know if I can do this again.”

Zac wiped his face roughly.

”Then make me earn it.”

Roxie stared at him.

”What?”

”Don’t trust me tonight.”

Her breathing caught.

”Don’t pretend everything is fixed because I came here. Be pissed at me. Be scared. Ask me if I’m going to leave fifty fucking times if that’s what you need.”

Roxie swallowed.

”I’ll probably get frustrated because I’m still me. I’ll probably say the wrong thing sometimes. But let me prove I’m staying instead of asking you to believe it just because I said so. I won’t touch you unless you ask me to.”

His voice started breaking.

”You told me today that if I wanted you, I had to decide. You told me you couldn’t keep letting me dangle you between being mine and being my friend.”

Roxie covered her mouth as another sob came.

”So I went home and tried to tell myself friendship was enough. I tried to imagine watching you move on while I stayed close enough to pretend I hadn’t lost you.”

A tear slid down Zac’s cheek.

”I couldn’t fucking do it.”

Roxie’s shoulders shook.

”I don’t want friendship. I don’t want some safe little piece of you because I’m too scared to take the risk of having all of you.”

Zac stepped closer and stopped again, leaving the doorway between them.

”I choose you.”

Roxie cried harder.

”Say it again.”

Zac’s face tightened. ”I choose you.”

”No.”

He waited.

”The other thing.”

Understanding moved across his face.

”I want you back.”

Roxie closed her eyes.

”Again.”

”I want you back.”

Her lips trembled. Roxie covered her face again. For several seconds she could only cry.

Zac stayed outside.

He didn’t reach for her.

He waited.

When Roxie finally lowered her hands, she saw how badly he was holding himself back. His fingers kept flexing at his sides, and his eyes kept dropping to her face like every instinct in him wanted to come closer.

That mattered.

”Please,” Zac whispered.

The desperation in his voice made Roxie’s chest hurt.

”I know I broke your heart. I know I fucked up.”

He swallowed hard.

”But please don’t tell me I’m too late now cause I’m too much of a coward.”

Roxie’s face crumpled.

”I love you.”

Zac’s eyes closed for a second. ”I love you too.”

”Give me another chance.”

Roxie wiped underneath her eyes and tried to breathe through the pressure in her chest. ”What if I say yes and regret it tomorrow?”

”Then tell me tomorrow.” His eyes filled again. ”Just let me be there with you.”

Roxie’s hand tightened around the edge of the door then opened the door wider.

He didn’t move.

She swallowed. ”I want to try.”

Zac let out a breath like he had been holding it since he arrived. He bit his lip and looked away like he couldn’t control his emotions.

Roxie’s eyes filled again.

”I want you back too.”

His face broke completely.

”Are you sure you want me inside?”

That question almost destroyed her.

Roxie had spent weeks feeling like Zac made decisions for both of them. Where their relationship was going. When things were getting too dangerous. When he needed to leave. When he needed to hold on.

Now he was standing there waiting for her.

Roxie nodded.

”Yeah.”

Zac stepped across the doorway.

The second he was inside, Roxie became painfully aware of how familiar he looked standing in the bungalow. His shoes by the door. His hoodie. His stupid messy hair. He belonged so easily in the room that for a second the breakup felt impossible.

Then she remembered the pan in the kitchen.

Her eyes filled again.

Zac noticed. ”What?”

Roxie shook her head.

”Rox.”

”I fucking cried because you weren’t here to cook dinner.”

Zac’s eyes immediately filled.

”I missed that too.”

”I missed everything.”

”So did I.”

Roxie’s mouth trembled.

For several seconds they stood there looking at each other.

She wanted him to touch her so badly it hurt. ”Can you hug me?”

Zac crossed the space between them immediately.

His arms went around her, and Roxie folded into him so quickly that another sob tore out of her. She grabbed the front of his hoodie and buried her face against his chest while his arms settled around her carefully.

She cried harder because she had missed this warmth. His smell. The feel of his chest against her cheek. The way one hand rested against her back.

Every part of her knew him.

That still scared her but this time he had come back without Roxie dragging him there.

She tightened her arms around him.

”I missed you so fucking much.”

Zac pressed his face into her hair.

”I missed you too.”

Roxie closed her eyes and held on.

She still had no idea whether they were going to make it.

Neither did Zac.

For tonight, they had both chosen to try.