The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 252: Chapter 252 - Are You Coming?

Zac looked away and turned toward the window.

Roxie watched his reflection in the glass. His shoulders were stiff beneath his shirt, and one hand rested against his hip while the other kept opening and closing at his side. A minute ago he had been angry enough to argue every word. Now he looked like he was waiting for the conversation to die if he stayed quiet long enough.

It only made her want to push harder.

”Were you ashamed?”

His shoulders tightened. ”Of what?” He gave a short chuckle, but Roxie heard nothing amused in it.

”Needing somewhere to stay. Needing help. Needing anything.”

The smile disappeared from his reflection.

There.

Roxie stared at him, waiting for him to turn around or laugh again or tell her she was completely wrong. Instead, his eyes dropped toward the floor.

”I just needed more time.”

”For what?”

Zac rubbed the back of his neck. ”To figure shit out.”

”Before telling me?”

His hand stopped against his neck. He stayed like that for a few seconds before letting his arm drop.

”I don’t know.”

Something inside Roxie sank.

That answer felt worse now. She had tried her best dragging things out of him because she kept thinking there had to be something underneath all the bullshit. Some reason that would finally make sense once he said it.

Instead, every time she got close, she got the same fucking answer.

”Fuck you.”

Zac turned around.

The exhaustion disappeared from his face. His eyebrows pulled together, and his mouth tightened as fresh anger took its place. ”What?”

”You heard me.” Roxie could feel her chest tightening again. ”I’m standing here trying to understand you, and you still can’t fucking tell me anything.”

”You know now. It’s out.” Zac spread his hands before letting them fall against his thighs. ”I’m figuring it out.”

Roxie almost laughed.

Figuring it out.

Handling it.

He always had words like that ready. Something that made every disaster sound temporary. Something that made it seem like he was already halfway through fixing it before anyone could see how bad it really was.

”How do you expect me to follow you to Tennessee when you can’t even tell me shit?”

Zac stopped moving.

Roxie saw the change immediately.

His hands went still against his sides. The anger left his face so quickly that she almost wished she could grab the sentence and pull it back. He stared at her for several seconds, his mouth slightly open, like he was trying to figure out if she had actually said what he thought she had.

”Are you even coming with me?”

Roxie blinked. ”What?”

”Are you coming to Tennessee?”

His voice was quieter now.

That made the question worse.

Her stomach tightened.

She hated that question. She had been finding ways around it for weeks without admitting that was exactly what she was doing.

Looking at apartments had been easy. Talking about furniture had been easy. Laughing when Zac told her he was banning her from cooking after she nearly burned something had been easy. She could picture his shoes near the door, his football shit everywhere, his clothes mixed with hers because neither of them bothered figuring out whose drawer was whose anymore.

She liked imagining it.

Saying yes meant actually leaving.

”Why are you asking me that right now?”

Zac stared at her like she had asked something ridiculous. ”Because it has everything to do with it.”

”This has nothing to do with Tennessee.”

”Just answer me.”

Roxie looked away. She heard him breathe out through his nose before he gave a quiet laugh. The sound made her look back.

”What?”

Zac shook his head. His mouth twisted into a smile, but his eyes stayed hard. ”You can’t even fucking answer.”

”Because this isn’t about me.”

”It is now.”

The sudden hardness in his voice brought Roxie’s anger rushing back. ”No. You lied to me.”

”And you’ve been letting me plan our whole fucking future without telling me you might not even come.”

Roxie stared at him.

His face was red now, but the anger bothered her less than the hurt underneath it. She could see it every time his eyes moved over her face like he was waiting for her to deny what he had just said.

”That isn’t the same thing.”

”Why?”

”Because I haven’t decided.”

Zac’s face went blank.

Roxie heard the words after they were already out and knew immediately that something had changed.

”You haven’t decided.”

”I have shit going on.”

His jaw tightened. ”So do I.”

”I know.”

”Do you?”

That pissed her off.

”What the fuck do you want from me? You picked Tennessee before we were even together.”

”And then you became part of it.”

”According to you.”

Zac stared at her.

His tongue pressed against the inside of his cheek before he looked down. Roxie knew that look. She had seen it enough times to know he was trying to keep himself from saying something.

”Shit,” he muttered.

Roxie’s stomach tightened. ”What?”

He shook his head.

”What, Zac?”

When he looked at her again, the anger was still there, but something underneath it made Roxie uneasy.

”You never wanted to come.”

”That isn’t true.”

”You never fucking wanted to come, did you?”

”I didn’t say that.”

”You didn’t have to.”

His voice rose. Zac paced toward the couch, dragged both hands through his hair hard enough to leave the front sticking up, then turned back toward her.

Roxie watched him breathing harder.

”You think I’ve just been pretending this whole time?”

”I think it was easy to talk about Tennessee when you didn’t have anything else.”

Roxie went still.

”What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Zac looked at her for a second before giving another bitter laugh. ”Come on, Rox.”

”No. Say it.”

His eyes dropped away from hers. ”You have money now. You have the Tesla. College is covered. You have options.”

The words hit Roxie straight in the chest.

For months she had listened to Miranda make her sound like some poor girl clinging to Zac because his family had money. Gold digger. Slut. Someone trying to attach herself to a Prescott because she had nothing of her own.

Zac had always been the one person she thought understood how much that hurt.

Now he was standing in front of her making Tennessee sound like something she had only wanted when she needed him to save her.

”You think I needed you because I was fucking poor?”

Zac’s head snapped toward her. His eyebrows pulled together immediately. ”That isn’t what I said.”

”It’s exactly what you said.”

”No, it fucking isn’t.”

”You said I wanted Tennessee when I had nothing. What else am I supposed to hear?”

”I said you have options now.”

”Same fucking thing.”

”Roxie.”

”No.”

The hurt turned into anger so quickly she barely had time to recognize it.

She remembered every meal he had bought when she was hungry. Every ride. Every time she had hated admitting she could not afford something. Every stupid moment when she had wondered whether Zac would eventually look at her and see exactly what his mother saw.

”You wanted me to take Mr. Robinson’s money.”

Zac’s jaw tightened. ”What does that have to do with anything?”

”You took the card when I told you I didn’t want it. You put his money in the drawer. You kept telling me to keep the car.”

”Because you needed it.”

”Then why are you throwing it in my fucking face now?”

”I’m not throwing anything in your face.”

”You just told me I only wanted Tennessee before I had options!”

”I said everything changed!”

”For who?”

”For both of us!”

Zac’s shout filled the room.

Roxie stared at him. His chest rose quickly, and both of his hands had curled into fists beside his thighs. His eyes dropped toward them almost immediately. He opened his fingers and rubbed his palms against his shorts like he hated seeing his hands like that.

Roxie saw where she could hurt him.

The realization was ugly.

She knew exactly what he had lost. She knew what he was trying to rebuild. She knew how much he hated depending on anyone after spending his whole life being the person who had more than everyone around him.

She should have stopped.

Instead, she wanted him to feel something close to what he had just made her feel.

”You wanted me to keep all of it because you couldn’t do it anymore.”

Zac went completely still.

Roxie saw the sentence hit before he spoke. His mouth tightened. Color climbed higher across his cheeks until even the tips of his ears were red.

”What did you just say?”

”You heard me.”

”Watch what you fucking say.”

His voice dropped so low that Roxie felt the warning in it.

It should have made her stop.

Instead, her anger sharpened.

”Why? You wanted the truth.”

”I asked if you were coming with me.”

”And I’m telling you why I don’t fucking know!”

”No.” Zac shook his head slowly, his eyes fixed on hers. ”You’re trying to hurt me now.”

Roxie stared at him.

Maybe she was.

The fact that he knew should have embarrassed her.

It only made her push harder.

”How am I supposed to move four hours away with you when you don’t even know where you’re going to live? What happens if football fails? What happens when we need money and there’s nobody left to call?”

Zac said nothing.

Roxie watched the anger change on his face.

His jaw stayed tight, but his eyes dropped. One hand moved to the back of his neck and squeezed hard enough that the muscles in his forearm tightened.

The guilt came before Roxie wanted it.

She had wanted to hurt him.

Apparently she had.

When Zac finally looked at her again, something about his face made her wish he would start yelling.

”Just tell me the truth.”

His voice was quieter now.

Roxie’s face burned. ”The truth?”

”Yes.”

He stayed looking directly at her.

He had spent most of the fight turning away, staring through the window, looking at the floor, walking somewhere else.

Now he would not look anywhere except at her.

Roxie almost wished he would.

”You want the fucking truth?”

Zac gave a small nod.

That was all.

Roxie stared at him, and the anger that had kept her going started slipping out from underneath her.

She was scared.

That was the truth.

Tennessee meant leaving Briarwick.

Karen would be four hours away. Angela would be four hours away. Coach Miller would be here. The bungalow she had spent years wishing she could escape would still be here.

Everything familiar would be here.

And Roxie would be there because she had chosen Zac.

Her throat tightened.

What happened the next time they fought and he walked out?

Here, Roxie could call someone. She could drive somewhere familiar. She could sit inside her own bungalow and know that even if Zac disappeared for the night, the rest of her life had not disappeared with him.

In Tennessee, her life would be wrapped around him.

What happened when he walked out there?

What happened if hours passed and he never came back?

What happened if one day he finally got tired of the fighting, the questions, the jealousy, the way she panicked every time she thought he was leaving?

Her stomach twisted painfully.

That was what scared her.

Giving him that much of her life and discovering she still was not enough to make him stay.

”I don’t want to move there with someone I can’t fucking rely on.”

Zac’s hand dropped from his neck.

For a moment, he did not even blink.

Roxie watched the hurt cross his face before he tried to hide it. His eyes moved away, and his lips pressed into a hard line.

The guilt came immediately.

She almost took the sentence back.

Then she remembered that he had asked.

”I’m scared, okay?”

Her voice cracked.

Zac looked at her again.

His eyebrows were still drawn together, but the anger was gone from his face now. That somehow made saying the rest harder.

”I’m fucking scared.”

Zac stayed quiet.

Roxie rubbed her palms against her shorts because her hands had started shaking. ”You talk about Tennessee like we just have to get there and everything works. You play football. I go to school. We get an apartment. We wake up beside each other every morning and somehow that means we’re fine.”

”I never said it would be easy.”

His voice sounded rough now.

”You make it sound like being together fixes everything.”

Zac looked away for a moment before answering. ”I’m trying to give us something to look forward to.”

”And I’m supposed to build my entire life around that?”

His eyes came straight back to hers.

”I thought that was what we were doing.”

There was no anger in the sentence.

Roxie almost wished there had been.

She looked at him and realized he meant it.

Every apartment he had sent her. Every conversation about jobs. Every stupid argument about furniture. Every time Zac talked about where they would live or what they would buy first.

He had never been talking about some maybe future.

Somewhere along the way, Zac had started believing it was already theirs.

Roxie had let him.

”I don’t know.”

Zac’s expression changed.

His eyebrows pulled together first. Then whatever hurt had been showing disappeared so completely that Roxie felt her stomach tighten.

”What?”

Roxie looked away. ”I said I don’t know.”

Silence filled the bungalow.

It lasted long enough that Roxie finally looked at him again.

Zac was staring at her like he was waiting for the rest of the sentence.

There was no rest.

”You don’t know if you want a future with me?”

”That isn’t what I said.”

”Then what are you saying?”

”I’m saying I’m scared!”

”So am I!”

His shout made Roxie flinch.

Zac stopped immediately afterward, his chest heaving. His eyes widened slightly like even he had not expected the volume, but whatever he had been holding back had already broken loose.

”You think I’m not fucking scared?” His voice cracked. ”I lost my house. My family. My truck. Half the shit I thought I had figured out is gone.”

Roxie stopped moving.

Zac looked away and rubbed both hands over his face. When he dropped them again, his eyes stayed toward the floor.

”And the one thing I thought I still knew was that you were coming with me.”

The anger inside Roxie collapsed.

She stared at him.

His shoulders had dropped. His hands hung loose beside him now. He looked tired in a way he had not a few minutes ago.

For the first time, Roxie understood what her hesitation had sounded like to him.

Everything around Zac had changed.

Apparently she was the thing he thought had not.

”I never promised that.”

The words came out before Roxie could stop them.

Zac froze.

The second Roxie saw his face, she wanted them back.

He did not look angry.

That was worse.

He simply stared at her, and something in his expression seemed to shut off.

”I never promised that?” he repeated.

His voice was so quiet that Roxie’s stomach dropped.

”That isn’t what I meant.”

Zac nodded once.

”No. You’re right.”

”Zac.”

”You never did.”

He looked down and pressed his lips together. Then he nodded again, slower this time, like he had remembered something and hated himself for forgetting it.

Roxie’s chest tightened.

She would rather have him screaming.

”All this time,” he said, finally looking at her again, ”I’ve been talking about apartments and jobs and you coming with me, and you never fucking said yes.”

”I was thinking about it.”

”For how long?”

”I had shit happening!”

”So did I.”

”I know!”

His mouth twisted bitterly. ”Apparently you don’t.”

Roxie stared at him.

She wanted to throw Claire at him. Mr. Robinson. State. Every horrible thing that had happened so quickly she sometimes barely knew what she was supposed to feel first.

But Zac knew all of that.

He turned away and rubbed the back of his neck again.

A few minutes ago, that movement had made Roxie furious because it meant he was shutting her out.

Now it scared her.

”Zac.”

He stayed quiet.

Roxie stepped closer before she could stop herself. ”Zac, I said I’m scared. I didn’t say I don’t want you.”

His hand dropped.

When he turned toward her, his face looked exhausted.

”Then what are we doing?”

Something cold moved through Roxie’s stomach.

”What?”

Zac stared at her for several seconds. His shoulders had dropped, and the anger that had filled him earlier seemed almost gone.

That scared Roxie more than any of his shouting.

”What are we even doing?” he asked.

Her heartbeat picked up.

”Zac.”

His eyes stayed on hers.

”Why are we still wasting time?”

The words hit harder than his shouting had.

Wasting time.

Roxie’s stomach dropped.

Her mind went straight where it always went when Zac sounded like he was done.

He was leaving.

”What?”