My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1987: Chapter 1781: Ignoring

”Actually, you understand more than anyone else how much distance that pain really entails; no one wants to live their life like that.”

”Xia Jing, could you please not say things like this to hurt my feelings? You know deep down, I truly love you. I’ve given up so much for you, and you’re more aware than anyone of the storms we’ve weathered over the years. Reaching today was not easy, and I only wish we could have more understanding and tolerance between us. Why do you choose to hurt me time and again?

Or do you think, deep in your heart, that I’m someone anyone can casually be with? What kind of burden have I borne all these years? I can be with you, I can give up everything for you, I can be indifferent to all you do when you betray me; I just hope you would stay.

But for all I’ve done for you, what do you take me for? A tool to use? Think about what you’ve done; do you really have no faults whatsoever? I’ve never said those things to you because I know some words are better left unsaid.

Maybe you think I’ve had an easy and fast life these years, casually achieving what I want. But the real pain is only something I could know alone, and no one can replace me in accepting it all, because if you speak of it, others won’t care. Doing everything over and over again was always like this.

But today, as you say this, I’m not happy deep inside; not one bit. Saying these things is just... if you could consider my dignity even slightly in your son’s inner world, you wouldn’t say such hurtful words today.”

”I didn’t mean to embarrass you, nor did I intend to make these words public.

Today, I’m choosing to say it all to give you a chance to prove yourself. You’ve sacrificed so much for me over the years, and I won’t be so willful as before, judging all your faults alone. You deserve your own life, and everything you’ve given should be the outcome we both want to see. If I were truly selfish and reckless, I wouldn’t be here telling everyone this so-called truth. Your sacrifices, all your efforts, would turn into bubbles. I can’t bear to let the beautiful memories you’ve given me be hurt by others, criticized by everyone, while I hide behind you letting you bear all the storms for me. I truly can’t do it.

In the past, I was too selfish, not admitting the harm I’ve done to you with my actions. I apologize for my past actions, deeply regretful. But I really hope your future life won’t be spent like this. Do you know? When I repeatedly hear my son with my grandson criticize you, I’m really affected deep inside. I don’t understand where this inexplicable heartache comes from; I only want you to be at peace and hope you can smile every day, even if it’s carefree. I would still be happy.

You know how many mistakes I’ve made in this lifetime, how I’ve paid the price repeatedly, all just hoping my family can be happy. I’ve never thought about what I want to become in this life, only wanted my loved ones to be happy. I just wish those I love and those who love me can always be by my side, never leaving me no matter where or when.

When I learned my son was pleading for me to stay, I was genuinely excited and thrilled because, in my eyes, it seemed my son was gradually accepting me. But I didn’t expect that’s not the case. Perhaps in your eyes, this is the life you see, but in his eyes, it’s not. Our path and theirs are completely different; they have no way to live life step-by-step as we do. Our lives were already arranged long ago. If it hadn’t been for your rebellion, if it hadn’t been for my persistence in wanting to be with you, do you think we’d have the happiness we have today?”

”Mom, regarding the issue between you and Dad, I really don’t want to keep repeating the same things over and over. Do you know? What I want is also a peaceful and happy life, but I know when she chose to leave me, I was indeed very hurt. But have you ever thought? One must lose to gain. If there is no giving up, how can there be gains? Sacrifice and gain ultimately mean you have to sacrifice to obtain something. Never have I seen my life as clearly as I do now. Every decision I’ve made, I understand deep down what impact it will have on me. I’ve never regretted the mistakes I’ve made; what I want is just a stable life. Perhaps that life is not what you view as such, but do you know? I hope that life will always exist in my world, never fading away.

I’ve said countless times, even if you all abandoned me back then, I would never care anymore. I’ve learned to let go because I must learn to grow. As one grows, one sees through many things. I’ve seen through this completely. But why in your eyes am I still unable to make this progress? Why do you all never believe I’ve truly forgiven you? Or do you think your actions really aren’t worthy of my praise? If you sincerely regret, even if I choose not to forgive now, as long as I see your genuine efforts to amend, someday I’ll still forgive you.

Mom, consider everything from your family’s perspective. Your family is the one who can least withstand harm. They are the ones who love you with all their heart and soul. If you really miss this, how will your future life be? Even if you find someone rich or handsome, words of sweetness said then will turn into a torrid fever when turned around. Maybe when he’s chasing you, he vows not to give up. Once he succeeds, he can easily discard you. I don’t believe in love at first sight happening frequently, but I believe those who truly experience it are the best companions for each other in the end. Don’t try to test others’ sincerity; genuine feelings can’t withstand tests. Test too long, and genuine feelings will turn into insincere ones!”

Often, what is furthest away from oneself is not what one wants to lose most, but what one could never have from the very start.