Shinrabansho: Myriad Souls

“Wow… what happened?”

I paused mid–bite, a strip of perfectly marbled beef halfway to my mouth.

Across the table, Akuchi’s hamburger steak had only a single bite missing from it with another two pieces ready to pick up with her chopsticks. She collapsed in her seat, still foaming at the mouth.

My curiosity sparked, and like an idiot, I reached across with my chopsticks to steal a taste of her steak.

Rui snatched my wrist mid-air, her eyes blazing with a level of intensity I had never, ever seen from her before.

Ume, ever serene, tilted her head and smiled warmly.

“What’s wrong? I’m shocked she reacted like this. Hmmm…”

She tapped her cheek thoughtfully. “I don’t think I used anything that would be poisonous to tanuki. Probably too much love.”

Rui groaned, rolling her eyes so hard they nearly rotated out of her head.

“What did you put in it, Ume-chan? If this meal knocks out Akuchi like she was hit by a hammer… just like that our plan is totally screwed.” She eyed me then. “Taking stupid risks like this on the eve of our attack is the definition of sheer idiocy. Do you really want that happening to you?” She gestured at the unconscious tanuki, jabbing her thumb her way.

Her words made me flush. I nodded dully.

Ume waved her hands lightly, her cheeks tinted pink.

“I’m not playing, I swear! Maybe it’s just a trick of hers. Tanuki are notorious for their childish theatrics.”

“That is true…” Rui muttered.

And then… in a single explosive leap… the loli oni stood and leapt over me, landing squarely on top of Akuchi’s prone, foaming body with the grace of a murderous housecat.

I blinked. I wondered why this female form had become Akuchi’s default human form. Had her entire conscious concept of herself changed for me. She was in that soft feminine form… and that foam coming from her mouth just wouldn’t stop flowing as though her stomach had been filled with Coca-Cola and Mentos. There was a pool of drool on the seat.

Rui crouched, whistled, and lightly patted Akuchi’s cheek.

No reaction. She seemed to be genuinely completely out cold.

The real waitress peeked toward us, wringing her hands, voice trembling.

“Uh… should I call emergency services? P-please don’t tell me she’ll report us for food poisoning. It’s not the restaurant’s fault. It was that strange girl’s fault—”

She pointed directly at Ume.

“At least no one else seems to be sick, though…”

She glanced around nervously at the vampires, scanning them one by one for any signs of illness like a nervous nurse just out of medical school.

“Come to think of it… they all look a little pale…”

My head crooked over. They were vampires, so of course they were pale, although Ume’s complexion was warmer. Telling her that they were all vampires probably would have added to her anxiety

Rui dismissed her with a curt shake of the head, focused entirely on examining Akuchi’s foam-coated face with a puzzled frown.

Ume flashed the waitress a bright, sharp-toothed grin.

“Oh, don’t worry. I used only natural herbal ingredients. My cooking is perfectly tailored to enhance any yokai’s health~”

The waitress went whiter than printer paper.

“Y–yokai? Wait… WAIT… Don’t tell me you’re the ones behind all those serial killings?!”

Her voice hit a glass-breaking level kind of shrill.

Ume opened her mouth, smiling sweetly.

“The truth is… we are responsible! Partially.”

I choked on air.

The waitress screamed at the top of her lungs and bolted toward the entrance.

“KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”

“STOP HER!” Rui finally snapped, twisting around just in time to see the waitress sprinting for her life.

“Ume-chan! Why would you say something that stupid?!” Her glare could have incinerated the One Piece Tokyo Tower.

In an instant…

SCHLUNK

…The vampires slid into formation, silently blocking the waitress’s path like a wall of gothic bouncers.

Ume blinked, tapping her lower lip.

“Oh… did I not say what I meant to? I do that sometimes.”

Her cheeks pinkened as she clapped her hands in apology.

“Sorry! I meant… we were responsible for catching the Noh-face, who was responsible for the murders. I think I accidentally abridged all that. Is that better?”

She beamed brightly.

As though that would fix anything.

“It’s true!” Rui declared loudly… half reassuring, half yelling at the fleeing waitress.

“We’re actually a detective agency! We found the culprit last night and brought the Noh-face responsible for the killings to justice. Well… partially.”

Her eyes slid sideways toward me.

“Anyway, remind me why you let it GO, Susu?”

My chopsticks froze mid-air.

“I never told you!” I sputtered. “You never even ASKED why I didn’t finish it off! Why now?!”

“Why?” Rui asked. “I’m asking now.”

The vampires echoed, “Why?”.

Ume echoed, “Why?”.

Even the real waitress croaked out a confused, “Why?” before being bodily held in place by a goth boy.

Only Akuchi remained silent… still foaming vigorously.

I scratched the back of my head, trying very hard to disappear.

“I… I don’t know. I was exhausted at the time, I thought I was doomed… dead… and then it hit me with me… and kissed me… and I just… kind of short-circuited.”

“A kiss?” the waitress whispered, bewildered.

“Yokai can be unbelievably weird,” Rui said matter-of-factly.

Then she shot Ume a side glance.

“Danger comes in many forms. Yokai aren’t inherently the enemies of humanity. Our real enemies are things like avarice, cruelty, and sinful desires.”

Her gaze slid pointedly back to Ume.

“Hmph. Now tell me… what did you put in Akuchi’s food to knock her out like this?”

Ume smiled like she’d baked cookies.

“Well, I saw how hard she was working for us. I wanted her food to be extra nourishing. I may have made it a bit too energizing.” She nodded proudly.

“If you force-feed her the rest of that hamburger steak while she sleeps, she should be perfectly ready to act tonight!”

Rui’s grin spread slowly… beautifully… terrifyingly.

“Oh, force-feeding a tanuki? Now that sounds like fun.”

She cracked her knuckles.

“Eat your stinky steak, you useless furball.”

The expression she wore could only be described as… adorable murder in its purest form.

I returned to eating my hotpot.

Ume happily resumed eating her own meal.

On my other side, an array of gurgling, choking and splattering noises erupted… the audio equivalent of a horror movie death compilation. Not exactly the most appetizing thing to hear right next to you while eating, even if the meal is one of the best you’ve had in a while.

“Ehehehehehehe!”

Rui cackled with the joy of a villainous child having sadistic fun with her toy.

“Um… have a good night, everyone.”

The waitress bowed deeply, clutching the absurdly thick stack of bills Natalia-sama had given us.

“Even though this was easily the strangest night of my entire life… I had fun. Sort of.”

I bowed just as deeply, feeling guilty yet grateful.

“Thank you so much for your hospitality! And I’m very sorry for all the trouble!”

“It was… very instructive,” she said with a small, weary smile.

Rui put her hands behind her back, making her own polite bow look almost innocent.

“As long as we all keep our mouths very tightly shut about what happened tonight, I think we’ll all be satisfied.”

The waitress nodded vigorously. I couldn’t help laughing.

“Let’s go!” came a booming voice behind me.

Before I could react, I was grabbed, lifted, and… “HYAAA—!!”

Akuchi hoisted me over her shoulder like a sack of rice.

She had transformed into an enormous Amazonian warrior woman… eight feet tall, totally ripped, bronze-skinned, and absolutely unhinged. She was a tanuki barbarian.

And somehow this was the same yokai who had been unconscious and foaming at the mouth a short time ago.

She patted my backside like she was hauling livestock.

“PUT ME DOWN!” I shrieked and struggled.

“If you don’t mind my saying this…” the waitress murmured, staring up at us with a blush.

“You’re so adorable despite being so tall. You’re just my type.”

My brain stalled.

Akuchi grinned broadly.

“Thank you! Sadly, I am already claimed by this beautiful creature here.”

She gave my butt another firm pat.

“HEY, YOU PERVERT!!” I kicked her back… but she didn’t budge.

It was like kicking a truck.

Behind us, Rui radiated enough murderous aura to curdle milk. She tightened her grip on her scroll like she was about to seal Akuchi into a teacup forever right then and there.

“Oh, you’re cute too,” the waitress added, eyeing Akuchi. “But I was talking about the young lady over your shoulder.”

She winked at me.

My entire face went thermonuclear red.

A lady…?

She actually thought I was a woman.

This outfit had actually fooled someone.

I’d been cross-dressed into oblivion.

Was this my destiny? To be mistaken for a girl for the rest of my life?

What am I?

Was my life going to be just one long ongoing trap meme from now on?

…Well, it was much better than being mistaken for a yakuza.

I kicked at Akuchi and screamed.

Akuchi marched proudly away with me slung like a prize.

“PUT HER DOWN!” Rui yelled, sprinting after her.

“I’ll SEAL YOU this instant!”

The vampires filed behind us like a monochrome army escorting their comrades home after a raid. Everyone was full, satisfied, and buzzing with post-meal energy.

Except for me. I was being princess-carried without my consent.

I finally blushed and sagged, resigned.

We arrived back at Natalia-sama’s store. It was still lit up bright and warm, despite the late hour.

I reached for my phone… before remembering I’d left all my possessions in the workshop.

I glanced up at the sky for the time… the full moon hung high and glowing, pulsing faintly like a lantern held by a kami.

We stepped through the entrance, and…

“KYAA—!”

My head whammed into the doorframe as I dangled upside-down over Akuchi’s shoulder.

The vampires snickered behind us.

Why do they hate me so much?!

“Akuchi, you’re NOT qualified to carry Susu,” Rui snapped, grinding her teeth.

“Not that I could carry him myself, but you’d best take better care of h-him!”

My head was so fuzzy and ached.

W-why did she stammer like that?

Akuchi giggled in a husky, theatrical voice that fit her Amazonian form disturbingly well.

“My bad! I’m just so giddy! I’ll be more careful!”

She adjusted my position, unintentionally squeezing my ribs like I was a stress toy.

“Uffffffffffffffff!”

We rode the escalators up to the workshop. Rui strode ahead and banged her tiny fist on the door.

“Natalia! Is it ready?!”

From behind the door came Natalia-sama’s calm, elegant voice:

“Come in, and behold Susumu’s gallant costume!”

Rui flung the door open dramatically.

Natalia’s entire workspace had been transformed.

It was filled with bright lights.

… There was actually a spotlight.

… A velvet curtain draped over presumably a tall mannequin.

And then the words registered.

Gallant.

Costume.

My soul evaporated.

They had made me another costume to wear.

I lay limp over Akuchi’s shoulder like a dead fish.

“No… no no no no… not again…”