Rising Shards

When I was fourteen, and my crush on Jeans was really heating up, I found myself alone in the apartment near the family computer. I squinted at it, walked around it, sat down, spun around in the chair, tapped mindlessly on the keyboard, and a few other mindless tasks as I inched closer to searching what was on my mind.

After some debate, my curiosity won the better of me, and I searched for “girls kissing girls is that a thing please” and gasped at the first result.

It was just a picture of two women standing on a boat kissing each other. OK, maybe not just that, they were also naked. They were super airbrushed to the point that it was probably more a drawing than an actual photo, but I was still enticed. My reaction was a mix of fear and warmth and confusion and a sudden, strange understanding in the back of my mind. I also felt super guilty immediately for ending up stumbling upon such a torrid image, so my cursor hovered over the X to close the page. But it steadily moved away. My first clear thought was something like, ‘That could be me. If I was on a boat…and Jeans was on a boat…and we didn’t have our clothes on…’ I absentmindedly grabbed my hair and kinda nibbled at it, a tic that really only came up when I was deeply studying something. I was staring so intently that I didn’t even register that Stella was home and approached behind me.

“Zeta, I said what did you want for din—UH!” Stella said as she froze behind me.

“Stella?” I shrieked. “Wait, wait, I mean!” I tried to cover up the screen, then decided I should probably try to close out of the site first. I, of course, fumbled for the mouse and knocked it over. “No, wait, Stella, it’s not…I mean!”

Even after I managed to close the website (via unplugging everything on the surge protector, shutting down the entire computer from monitor to tower), I still pretty much had an instantaneous, very loud meltdown from there until Stella got me to cool down by effectively picking me up, planting me at a chair at the kitchen table, and calmly making dinner and waiting until we were eating to bring anything up.

“So I just want to say…” Stella said.

“I’m…sorry…” I muttered.

“Shh, shhh, hold on,” Stella said. “Let’s just have a talk, it doesn’t have to be at all stressful.”

“OK…” I couldn’t look up from my noodles.

”We’ve had talks like this before, right?” Stella asked. ”And those weren’t bad, they were good.”

”True...” I said. Those talks felt vastly different than me getting caught looking at the site I was looking at, but I didn’t raise that objection.

“So…you are reaching the age where—”

“Stella, I don’t need to hear that,” I said. “I read all those books you gave me…”

My big sister had graciously gifted me a bunch of sex ed books a few years earlier.

“No, I just want to say. And not just from the computer, just some things I’ve been noticing lately.” Stella said. She tapped her fork against her plate to think. “So do you like girls?”

She just dropped it on me like that. I felt like I’d been dipped in an icy lake. Like a shock of cold suddenly, but also a chill that wiped out some of the fogginess in my mind. Did I like girls?

“Obviously, I don’t mean like as in friends,” Stella said when I didn’t answer. “I hope you’d like girls that way, and you have friends. And I’m not saying I don’t hope or would rather you didn’t like girls in a more romantic way, just…”

I knew Stella was being nice saying I had friends, at the time I was so shy I barely even had acquaintances at school. My only friend was Jeans, which in hindsight wasn’t saying much.

“I think I do,” I said quietly. “I think I like girls a lot. Is that bad? I know I already put you through a lot with the—”

”Shush, you absolutely did not put me through a lot with that,” Stella said. ”What did I say the last few times we had a talk like this? What do I say every time?”

”That you’ll...” I started speaking immediately, remembering the most recent talk well. ”That you’ll love...”

“That I’ll love you forever and always no matter what,” Stella said.

“Even if…?” I asked. I’d known for a bit, but the words spilled from my mouth for the first time, spurred on by Stella’s support. “I. I think I’m gay. Even if I’m gay, you love…even if I love, then you love. Hang on, I’m getting all twisted word wise.”

“It’s OK,” Stella said.

“You still love me even if I’m weird?” I asked.

“I haven’t had a problem there the first fourteen years of your life.” Stella said.

“Pfft.” I said. “But, like, really?”

“Yeah. And this isn’t weird.” Stella said. “It’s very normal. And I said no matter what. If I’d love you no matter what, which includes all the loud, bratty little sister things you do, that includes the good, normal things too, you know.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I continued eating so I wouldn’t start crying from how nice that was. I still cried, I’m an easy crier. Once we finished eating, Stella brought me to the trusty couch and gave her trademark me-crying-recovery-hug, letting me let out emotions as she rocked me slightly, humming to me.

“I guess it’s something about our little branch of the family tree, huh?” Stella asked.

“What that means?” I asked.

“I’m a lesbian too, you goof.” Stella said. “I mean, assuming you’re not bi or pan or…not to put a label on you is what I’m trying to say. Just that I’m also. Yeah.”

“Wait.” I pushed away from her hug to read her expression to make sure she wasn’t messing with me and was about to get her “Ha! Got you!” look on. I even did the like ‘dart eyes back and forth between the other person’s eyes’ thing they do on TV all the time. But she looked totally serious.

“Well, I did think I was bi for a while,” Stella said. “Maybe still am to an extent, but it’s a very very slim number of guys I’ve ever been attracted to. Not locking out other genders, but mostly...yeah, mostly women. I feel most comfortable saying lesbian.”

“I’m…processing this.” I said, blinking.

“Remember Lys?”

“Your really good friend?” I asked, realizing how stupid that sounded in the context of our current conversation the instant the words left my lips. “Wait. Oh. I’m dumb.”

“You’re not dumb,” Stella said, lightly bonking me with her fist. “I just kept our relationship out of the house. And we broke up when you were like eight, so it’s been a while, too.”

“I did wonder why I stopped seeing her stop by here.” I said.

Stella told me about her own self-realization journey and her immediate advice for resources to check out. She also gave some light scolding for ending up on an inappropriate website. When I was growing up, Stella had always been nurturing in regards to LGBTQIA+ matters, even in ways I didn’t realize until later. With her help, I was able to keep a steady pace of becoming more and more proud of who I am.

For the most part, the group nodded at my story.

“So you got outed because of porn,” Kalei said.

“Kalei!” I said. “That’s what you got from my story? I mean…it was an accident! The…part with the…you know…”

“As much as that time you shared from the Raina Starlight’s thighs fanpage, I’m sure.” Kalei said. “Or the second time you shared from the Raina Starlight’s thighs fanpage.”

“Hey!” I said as even Lillia started laughing.

“Are you gonna call her out on this nefarious business, Oka?” Kalei asked.

“It may be slumber party rules, but I am not having any in-depth conversation like that with you in the room.” Oka said.

“Fair.” Kalei said.

“And to be honest, I admire Zeta’s gumption at figuring out herself back then, even if it led to…results like that.” Oka squeezed my hand, once more giving me the feeling that she was letting me off the hook more than I deserved even if we were talking about stuff that happened years ago in the case of the Stella talk or a few months earlier in the case of my embarrassing Raina Starlight fanpage sharing.

“’Gumption’? Careful Zates, you might actually be dating a senior citizen.” Kalei said.

“Shut up.” Oka said. She let go of my hand just to surprise me with a sudden embrace. ”I assume that talk was similar to the trans talks?”

”Yeah! Well, those talks started way earlier. And were a lot less embarrassing.” I said.

”I would hope so.” Kalei said.

”Quiet, you.” Oka said. 

”Next time I tell that story, I’ll talk about the...talks, more.” I said.

”Good,” Oka said. ”It really is a cute story.” She rocked me around, kind of similar to the Stella’s comfort rocks back and forth, but with a more Oka-branded excitement. “I’m glad you have such a great big sister. She helped lead us to the Zeta we know and love today!”

“Aww.” I said, nuzzling Oka back.

“And the Raina page thing is funny to me in a cute way.” Oka said. 

”OK, that’s enough about me! Tonight isn’t just about me and my business!” I said. ”Anyone have any embarrassing coming out stories to match mine?”

“Lillia, does your family know?” Oka asked.

”About Zeta’s internet browsing habits?” Lillia asked.

”Shut uuuup.” I said.

”My apologies, I couldn’t resist,” Lillia said. “Upon my realization and further understanding of myself, I wrote my parents a letter informing them of my newfound orientation status.” Lillia said.

“That is the most Lillia Cadence thing ever.” Kalei said. “How’d they react?”

“They wrote me a letter of support back.” Lillia said. “As far as I’m aware, I’m the only one in my immediate family that’s queer, so it took them a bit to understand. But we’re a family of professors and scholars, so in a way they appreciated having a new topic to research.”

“That’s sweet,” Kalei said. “But Oka, if yours involves you or your family doing lots of research, I’m gonna cut you off and move onto another question.”

“Nahhh, when I first really figured it out it was at Tesata, and there wasn’t anyone there I’d date and no other student/authority figure was anyone I trusted enough to tell it, so it just stayed up in the noggin.” Oka pointed at her head. “And I don’t think Berin did any research after I told him. I marched right up to him and said, ‘Listen up, chump dump. I’m dating this cute girl now and there’s nothing you can do about it. I don’t care if you try to ground me or whatever, I’m still gonna date Zeta.’”

“You really said that?” I asked.

“Well, in a more polite way.” Oka said. “But then he was cool about it, so it worked out.”