My Alleged Husband

Chapter 695: Chapter 665: If Time Rewinds (Part 3)_1

”Fine, since you’ve put it that way, I shall listen closely to his explanation. If it does not satisfy me, then I absolutely won’t be lenient with her!”

”Dad, deep down, you should be able to understand how I feel.

I dare not admit, with other matters I don’t know how to explain these things to you, but you must have heard it clearly, right? I loved my first love deeply, I could abandon everything for her, I could stand at her door for days and nights, I could be frosted to death there, but I was unwilling to give her up. Time and again, I sacrificed all my dignity to plead with her, to have her stay by my side, yet in the end, she resolutely left me. I don’t know what drove me to that point, I don’t know how deeply I loved her to let go of my pride.

Dad, during that time, I could disregard everything just to stay beside her. I was willing to forsake all that I cherished most in the world, I was willing to abandon my principles, just to be with her. For her, I could even disregard my own life. During that time, I learned to run red lights, turned to alcohol to drown my sorrows, and found myself in the hospital over and over again. I didn’t know how to express my love for her; perhaps the way I chose was wrong. Whenever we argued, I thought of doing something to provoke her, but I never realized that my actions were only pushing her further away. I truly regret it, if only I could have another chance, I wish I could go back to that time, then I would definitely hold onto her hand tightly, so that she would never have a way to leave me for the rest of her life.

You always thought I was stupid, grinning foolishly whenever I was with my first boyfriend. But it wasn’t intrinsic to me; I just loved him. Not knowing how else to express my love, I could only smile at her time and time again, but he felt that I was someone with deep schemes and heavy calculation. Yet who could know the despair in my heart when the person I truly loved inexplicably left me, causing me to live a life filled with regrets. Time and again, I’ve been tortured by my guilt, woken from nightmares in the dead of night. Who could possibly understand how exhausted my heart is, the pain I live with? No one can feel my anguish!

I know, saying these things is unfair to my husband, but I have to speak out. If I don’t speak now, maybe I’ll never have the chance to make all this clear again. Everyone is equal – heaven graced me with the love of others but I have irreversibly lost the one I loved most. If that’s the case, why should I care about the years heaven has given me, about the jokes it has played on me time and time again? What am I to it? I don’t want these recurring jokes; I just wanted to be by his side in peace. But why does heaven treat me this way over and over again? Is it because I’m persistently going against its will?

You always say that time could be turned back, and if it could, you would return to a certain moment to do certain things. Don’t I wish time could turn back as well? If I could be with him when time reverted, I would rather never step into your son’s life. I didn’t want this, but I was left with no choice. I couldn’t bring myself to discard my pride again and again. What did I get in return? Ever since then, I have held myself above others, no matter what anyone said, I would never bow my head. Even if I did something wrong, I would never admit it. I’d rather be criticized and scolded by anyone than be disrespected by them. I prefer everyone to hate me than to love anyone as desperately as I did before because I can’t love anymore – my heart has been wounded. Since my first boyfriend left, my heart has lost all its luster. For him, I don’t know how many days and nights I have waited in the cold wind, always looking out in the hope that he would come out to see me one last time. Yet, why do I time and again end up with heart-wrenching outcomes?”

Old Master Zhang fell silent, not knowing what to say. So this was all cause and effect, a cycle of karma. He realized that he hadn’t attained anything significant in this lifetime, and now he was old. Some things were beyond change.

”Child, I know that some things are beyond change; the roads everyone has walked will eventually become the past, and no one will change because of the roads they once took. No one can feel regret, and then start afresh. The roads everyone once chose are without exceptions, no one, not a single person, has lived a smooth life. Who hasn’t spent their life in tears and regret after choosing their path in life? You feel guilty, I know, I have the same experience as you, and my heart also suffers in the same way. Yet I’ve never given up on life because I know only if I live happily, perhaps he can truly let go of me. But I never considered that time and again, facing the future, smiling at the world each time would end up with the world rejecting me, treating me like a clown, never caring about my feelings. Time and again, I have longed for heaven to give me another chance, and I would make different choices that impress others. But life is so tiring, so very tiring, why should I make my heart so burdened? All I wanted was a happy life, yet why does heaven play these painful jokes on me, again and again, leaving me in such agony? In the end, what have I gained? Others have never felt what kind of pain lies in my heart!

In truth, everyone hopes time could turn back because the things time has missed will forever be the happiest and most joyful in one’s heart. No one has thought about how long the life they long for will be away from them, the life that’s originally most peaceful and simple!”