My Alleged Husband

”I really did slap you hard and scold you for your own actions. Don’t you have any idea in your heart? You hurt me so deeply. Was your use of me genuine, because you loved me, or was it a false judgment you made to achieve your own ends?”

I used to believe every word you said without doubt because we were classmates, our relationship was better than anyone else’s. But today I realized that all you did was use me, you made me feel afraid. I can’t imagine where that sunny, cheerful you has gone. Why does the current you feel like a total stranger to me? Why can’t I see the traces of our past classmate days in you anymore?

Chen Gang, everyone has to pay a price for their choices. Maybe the things you do don’t seem significant in your eyes, but to others, they are very serious matters. Nobody would tolerate being hurt by you for no reason. Your harm is because they have you in their hearts, seeing you as their closest friend. But your actions have chilled everyone to the bone. Now, what right do you have to expect me to treat you like before, to still consider you my best friend? Maybe I was blind before and shouldn’t have treated you that way, but I know I was wrong too. Everyone makes mistakes; you make mistakes, so why can’t you understand the torment in my heart?”

”Zhichen, you tell me to understand the torment in your heart. But what about you? How have you treated me? I’ve suffered so much for you over these years, yet in the end, this is the result. You still think all this is just a trap I laid out for myself, you still believe I’m deceiving you. Do I really seem that despicable in your eyes? Why are you so unwilling to trust me again? Is it really that hard for you to trust me once more? Trust is mutual; nobody would choose to trust you without reason. I know I’ve made mistakes that hurt you deeply, but can’t you really forgive me?”

”Forgive you? My dictionary has never had the words ’forgive’ in it. Now I don’t know how to face you. Every single thing you do astonishes me. I never thought you were still the same classmate. I truly believed you had me in your heart, that you loved and cared for me, so you would do such drastic things. But in the end, I found out that’s not the truth at all. The truth is nothing more than a facade you’ve put up to achieve your selfish goals, deceiving not just yourself but everyone around you.

Do you really think I’m not worth trusting? Why hurt me with lies? Some matters could have been resolved easily, yet you chose the most complicated way, harming not just yourself but also our friendship. Is our friendship really so fragile in your eyes, so unable to withstand any sort of test?

Sometimes I really don’t understand. It would have been so much better if you trusted me a little more. If you had considered my feelings more, perhaps our relationship wouldn’t be as awkward as it is now. Everyone expects empathy. You hurt me, so I can’t just easily forgive you, someone who has constantly taken advantage of me. I don’t ask for much, but all I want from you is something you cannot give, because you never even thought about what you could offer me. Your biggest flaw is that you’re too full of yourself, always believing you’re right, thinking everything you do is for the good of others. But do you know? What you think might be the greatest harm to someone else, like to me!

You always believed that you loved me. But in the end, the things you did hurt me deeply, hurt our relationship. My heart can’t withstand such pain, yet you believe I’m tough on the outside, as if I can endure any kind of torment, as if I can withstand any test. But everyone’s heart can ache, a heart that’s been hurt can feel insufferable pain. You never considered my true feelings; I ask for so little, yet what you can give is far too little...

Don’t entangle with me like you used to. Let’s both leave ourselves a way out. You go live your peaceful life, don’t disturb me, let me also live the life I desire, okay? Don’t drive me into a corner. Even a dog jumps over a wall when cornered, let alone a person. Now I can’t imagine what I might do if you force me again. I’ve lost control of my reason; my entire heart is trembling because I hate you, I hate you for always using me, I hate you for exploiting my trust, I hate you for using me to hurt the man I love most. I never thought I could be so foolish as to be manipulated by someone I trusted so much. I never imagined that the sunny, cheerful boy could become so unscrupulous, so much so that I can’t recognize him anymore!”

”Maybe you think my efforts are all in vain, but do you know? All I want is for you to be by my side, a love that won’t change in this lifetime.

Once I let you go, released your hand, resulting in a lifetime of irreversible regret. The moment I returned to our country and saw you in the arms of another, cooing, do you know how much it hurt me? I couldn’t believe that after so many years, you had changed so much, while I was still foolishly waiting for you in the same place.

Maybe you think that no matter how many years I wait for you, it’s as if I’m not in your eyes, and you can’t come back to me. But do you understand? As long as there’s a sliver of hope, I won’t give up easily. I just want to fulfill the initial ideal in my heart, I just want to be with the woman I love most, even if the hope is slim, I’m willing to wait willingly!”