I Siphon the Dead to Become the Strongest

Ethan remained in his half-horizontal state, staring at the ceiling as if he could see the cosmic joke being played on Korea. The silence of the room was only broken by the occasional clink of Zane scraping the last bit of sauce from a bowl.

Zane looked over at the lazing E-Ranker and poked him with a chopstick. ”Hey, don’t go into a hibernation coma yet. If the world is actually turning into some weird experimental zone, we’re going to need a chef who can make S-Rank food out of scraps. You’re basically our survival insurance policy now.”

Lindis leaned over him, her face far too close again, her eyes sparkling with a mix of concern and hunger. ”Does this mean you’ll be too scared to go to the gates now, Ethan? Don’t worry! If the sky starts raining monsters, I’ll just swing my axe and clear a path for you to carry the frying pan!”

Ethan slowly closed one eye, his voice a monotone drone of exhaustion. ”The only thing I’m scared of right now is the possibility of you three never leaving my apartment. I can feel my peace and quiet evaporating in real-time.”

Kaela chuckled, glancing at Mia, who was already planning her next commission from the group. ”Well, since the sky is clear and the food is amazing... maybe we should discuss how we’re going to actually get you back into the field. Or are you planning to be a professional hermit for the rest of the month?”

Mia, acting with the efficiency of a seasoned nurse (or a tiny warden), stepped forward and handed Ethan a pill and a glass of water with a look of stern authority.

“Take your medicine, Sloth-Oppa,” Mia commanded, her voice leaving zero room for negotiation.

Ethan looked at the pill as if it were a tiny piece of poison. He sighed, the sound of a man accepting his fate. “Maybe... I can just try to go back to the gates tomorrow,” he mumbled, his voice trailing off like a fading radio signal. “If I feel like my soul has finally decided to re-enter my body...”

Mia crossed her arms, her expression flat. “You won’t. You’re still sick. Your current state is human-shaped sigh of disappointment. You aren’t going anywhere but the bed.”

Lindis, however, beamed with an intensity that could power a small city. She pointed proudly to the medicine box. “Don’t you worry about that, Mia! The medicine we bought is pure premium! It’s the Golden-Grade Ultra-Recovery kind! It doesn’t just heal you; it practically rewires your DNA! I bet by tomorrow, Ethan will be so energetic he’ll be doing backflips in the kitchen!”

Ethan looked horrified. “Backflips? Why would I ever do backflips? That sounds like an exhausting amount of effort. I’m perfectly happy with standing up without groaning as my peak performance.”

Mia blinked, looking at the fancy packaging. “Well... if you’re that proud of the medicine’s power, I guess I’ll agree. But seriously, don’t overwork yourself, Oppa. If you collapse, I’m the one who has to drag your lazy carcass to the clinic.”

Ethan looked at his sister, his expression softening for a split second. “You’re one to talk. You should be the one not overworking yourself with all that studying. Your brain is probably as fried as the pork belly I just made.”

Zane, who had finally finished scraping the last molecular trace of sauce from his bowl, stood up and stretched with a loud, bone-popping sound. “Well, looks like it’s just the three of us hunting for the rest of the afternoon. We’ve still got a few hours of daylight to actually do our jobs.”

Kaela nodded, a predatory glint in her eye—not for monsters, but for more food. “Exactly. We need to gather as many credits as possible today. We have to maintain a high-income lifestyle if we want to keep coming back to taste Ethan’s cooking.” She let out a little chuckle, clearly imagining the next menu.

Lindis, suddenly remembering something, gasped and pointed at Ethan. “Oh! Next time, you have to try some fried dishes! Like a giant plate of honey-glazed fried chicken! Or maybe some crispy calamari! Oh, the possibilities are endless!”

Ethan froze. He looked at them—really looked at them. They had just eaten their first meal here, and they were already treating his apartment like a five-star Michelin restaurant with a loyalty program.

“Wait... hold on,” Ethan said, his voice filled with a sudden, panicked realization. “You guys just ate here for the first time. The first time! And you’re already requesting a future menu? You’re talking like you’ve already booked a reservation for tomorrow! Do I look like a franchise to you? Am I a chain restaurant now? Do I have a ‘Coming Soon’ sign on my forehead?!”

Kaela gave him a bright, terrifyingly cheerful smile. “Yeah, we’re definitely coming back. Consider us your new regulars.”

Zane grinned, patting Ethan on the shoulder with enough force to nearly push him back into the kitchen. “Yeah, what do you think, buddy? You’ve got the talent, we’ve got the credits. It’s a perfect business model. Now, keep that medicine working, because we’re expecting a feast when we get back!”

Ethan watched them prepare to leave, his eyes wide with a mixture of horror and exhaustion. As the door clicked shut, he slowly slid off his chair and landed on the floor with a dull thud.

“I’m an E-Ranker,” he whispered to the empty room. “I’m supposed to be invisible. I’m supposed to be the guy nobody notices. Why is my life turning into a cooking simulator with high-maintenance Npc’s? I just wanted a nap...”

...

Night passed in a blur of deep, aggressive slumber. Ethan didn’t just sleep; he practically entered a coma. He had slept with such intensity that he’s pretty sure he experienced three different lifetimes and a brief career as a professional cloud-watcher in at least one of them.

As he finally blinked his eyes open, he felt... actually okay. The Premium Grade medicine had worked. He didn’t feel like a wet noodle anymore. However, as his brain started to reboot, a very annoying thought entered his mind.

Wait a minute... Ethan thought, staring blankly at the ceiling. How the hell did I even get sick in the first place? I mean, yeah, I’m an E-Ranker, but we’re still Rankers. We have stats. We have enhanced constitution. We’re technically superior to normal humans in every physical way... so why did a little bit of sewer grime and a cold breeze turn me into a shivering pile of misery? Does the system just forget to apply the ”Immunity” patch to E-Ranks? Is my constitution stat actually just a suggestion?

He groaned, rubbing his face. “Thinking about this is making my brain itch. I’m thirsty. If I spend another five minutes contemplating the biological irony of my existence, my head is actually going to explode.”

He stood up, his joints popping like a bowl of cereal, and shuffled out of his room in a state of maximum lethargy. As he opened the door, he stopped dead.

There, in the middle of the living room, was Mia. She wasn’t just counting money; she was treating the coffee table like a casino vault. There were piles of coins and stacks of bills being organized with the intensity of a tax auditor on a mission. She was moving with a level of stealth and silence that would actually make a professional assassin jealous.

Ethan leaned against the doorframe, slowly sipping a glass of water, watching her for a few seconds before speaking.

“Is there something I don’t know that you’re not telling me, Mia?”

“GYAAH!”

Mia leaped nearly three feet into the air, her hands flailing and sending a shower of coins clattering across the floor like a malfunctioning slot machine. She spun around, her face a mask of pure, unadulterated shock.

“You surprised me! Why are you sneaking around like a ninja!” she shrieked, her face flushed. “What do you even mean? I’m just... organizing my finances!”

Ethan blinked, his voice dripping with a lazy, knowing sarcasm. “Organizing? Please. Between your ‘I’m definitely not lying’ face and the way you were moving so silently I didn’t even hear you open those cans... I’m pretty sure you were conducting a covert operation to keep your money-hoarding a secret. Why are you suddenly breaking into your hard-earned savings? Did you accidentally join a cult? Is there a limited-edition anime figure you’re desperate for?”

Mia looked away, her fingers twitching. “I... I just want to buy a dress with my friends tomorrow! Yes! A dress! A very expensive, high-fashion dress that only a girl of my stature can pull off!”

Ethan stared at her. He could see it all—the twitchy eyes, the awkward posture, the I’m-about-to-be-caught aura radiating off her like a neon sign. She was lying so badly it was almost an art form.

“If you want a dress, or anything else, you can just count on me,” Ethan said, his voice softening, though it still carried that signature lazy edge. “But let’s be real. That is a huge amount of money. You’ve worked way too hard for that pile of cash to spend it on a single piece of fabric. Where is it actually going?”

Mia’s shoulders slumped. The cute little sister act finally collapsed under the weight of reality.

“It’s... it’s for the school payments,” she whispered, looking defeated. “The administration just dropped a bombshell. They’ve bumped up the tuition for the supplemental programs and the specialized lab fees. It’s like they’re charging us for the air we breathe in the classroom. It’s ridiculous!”

Ethan looked at the pile of money and then at his sister. He felt a small, sharp pang of guilt. Here he was, complaining about overworking while his sister was treating her savings like a war chest just to stay in school.

“Put that money back, Mia,” Ethan said, waving his hand dismissively as he turned to walk back toward his room. “Keep your savings. I’ll work something out tomorrow. I’ll find a gate, make some quick cash, and handle the tuition. I’m an E-Ranker, but I’m a high-efficiency E-Ranker.”

He paused at the door, glancing back with a small, sarcastic smirk. “And don’t worry. I won’t overwork myself too much. I’ll probably take a nap right in the middle of the dungeon. It’ll be a very relaxed heist.”

---

Author’s Note:

Oh boy, hold onto your seats... Action is incoming for the next chapter! 🔥

Ethan’s officially stepping back into the dungeons, which means the Lazy Hunter is actually going to have to exert some effort (and probably complain every single second of it).

Have a pleasant evening, everyone, and see you in the next chapter! 🌙✨