Getting Warhammered [WH 40k Fanfic]

”Yes?” I called out, my eyes snapping open as I stared at the closed door. Separating the telepathic tendril connecting me to a bio-drone in the form of a mutant who was now left alone to duke it out in the Scrap boys’ arena. Don’t blame me that there weren’t fighting games in the 41st millennium, blame the universe.

”Lady Inquisitor I have been sent with a message from the esteemed Magos Dominus Zedev,” I heard a synthetic voice say through it, ”Do I have permission to enter?”

”Yes, come in,” I said as I untangled my legs from the lotus position and got to my feet before the cyborg tech priest walked into the opened door.

”So, what is it that the good Magos has sent you all the way here for?” I asked, foregoing offering refreshments to the woman as her whole throat and everything under her nose was metal. She smelled of oil and incense with a hint of necrotic flesh but I only caught that thanks to my superhuman senses.

”He sends his regards and hopes for you to meet him in his lab as he has managed to locate every base still holding significant amounts of Xenos,” a small blue light flickered on the side of her mechanical neck with each sound that left her speaker, ”I am also to tell you that he has procured one of the things you’ve asked for.”

”Thank you,” I nodded, ”Will you escort me to his lab?”

”If that is what the Inquisitor wishes for.”

”Let’s go then,” I said as I stepped through the doorway, ”After you.”

The walk was long and annoying but these upper floors of the ship were well maintained by servitors and the Mechanicum unlike the rest of it so we could follow a rather straight path instead of twisting and turning all over the place as a stairway collapsed or another hallway melted away under an accident or something.

I spent my time carefully looking through the mind of the Adept leading me, she was apparently called Gamma-5 as I’d learned. It was fascinating how machine and flesh came together to form these priests, even their minds were a combination of a mechanical part that came from the emotionless machines they plugged their brains into and the biological part that originated from their own brains.

In my opinion, this was far worse than an AI, but then again it wasn’t my galactic Empire that came to an end because of an AI uprising so I couldn’t really fault them. Still, it’s been what? 20 thousand years since? They could really learn to move on. I’d used AI to make images and Chatbots in my College finals so I was rather sure it wouldn’t be a problem until we basically gave them sentience and weapons with which they could fight back.

The Imperium’s phobia of AIs aside, it seemed like we’d arrived.

The entrance of the ’lab’ was a large arch, opening up to reveal a gaggle of semi-separated workshops where tech priests worked and did their ritualistic stuff. Gamma-5 talked to a large Adept standing in the middle, overseeing the Acolyte’s work.

Their conversation was made up of bursts of beeps and boops as the two communicated in the Mechanicums binary language and while that was interesting I was much more intrigued by the Adepts doing their work. I engraved each twist of their mechanical fingers, each binary sequence they said, and each caress of the metal frame the machine received.

I was sure there was a meaning behind it all, I remembered reading research about religious and ritualistic practices being the best way to preserve information for the future. They considered making Nuclear cults back on Earth who’d remember the locations where the radioactive waste has been dumped even if society collapsed?

Let’s just say I was highly suspicious and while I didn’t believe machine spirits were AIs like some people seemed to on forums, I also didn’t think most of these rituals only served to satisfy the animalistic ego of the machine spirits. I could see them, small blobs of luminescence in the dark waters of the warp, barely could they be called a soul but it was certainly the precursor of one.

Some mutants that I assumed were some sort of animals before had similar souls if a bit enhanced by the warp energy that suffused them. Intelligence was one of the most important parts of having a soul but many other things also mattered from what I knew, History, Legacy, and sheer Presence of a species mattered too.

The Soul was the representation of all that one was, and one human was the culmination of eons of evolution and thousands of years of galactic domination. Humans were Important in this galaxy, they had a presence and they were old, unlike the Leagues of Votann who were clones, or the Tau whose civilization was younger than some Dreadnaughts in the Imperium.

”The Magos Dominus wishes to invite the Lady Inquisitor into his personal laboratories,” the large Adept’s deep voice echoed in a synthetic choir, ”He gave no permission to enter to anyone aside from yourself so I will forego escorting you, a hallway beyond that door is supposed to lead you to him.”

”Alright,” I nodded and waved off his apology, I strode through the door with a last glance around at the many Acolytes before the door crashed close behind me.

The lights flickered on one by one, illuminating the narrow hallway. I noticed many hatches on all sides of the room and with a bit of probing I felt the myriads of lethal weapons hiding behind them. The Magos valued his privacy it seemed, from plasma cannons, to heavy melters, and with a few bioweapons that would give any activist in the 21st century a stroke he was heavily decked out.

None of the hatches opened and I easily made my way to the end of the deathtrap, my soft knock on the door’s metal surface resounded once before it opened jerkily and revealed a decomposing servitor behind it. The abomination stepped out of the way and revealed a large laboratory behind it.

”Greetings: Welcome Inquisitor.”

”Hello Magos Zedev,” I replied and tore my eyes away from the many hulking machines standing in rows all around the circular room, ”I heard you have something for me.”

”Correction: I have several things that may interest you.”

”Are you willing to part with them?” I asked, not making it apparent on my face that I was already searching for where the secret xeno-biologist was hiding his samples, not a single thing in this room had anything organic about it aside from me and the Magos.

”It is our duty to part with our belongings when the Inquisition wishes for it is it not?”

”I suppose it would be,” I answered, ”though it tends to cultivate animosity with individuals of your ... station.”

”Understandable, as it is I would forego any such animosity if I was to receive some pensation.”

”I am not averse to that idea,” I eyed his flickering red sensor, ”but what you provide should more than match anything you are asking for.”

”Jest: If your proficiency in biomancy is as great as you proclaimed it should prove more than enough for what I’m asking of you in return.”

”A Magos Dominus with humor,” I shook my head softly, ”will a Primarch return from the dead tomorrow?”

”Clarification: My Humor module has proven to be an effective tool in communicating with humans outside of the Adeptus Mechanicum.”

”Of course,” I nodded, there wasn’t any seating in here, nor any furniture that didn’t serve a purpose so we were just sort of standing around with me feeling a bit awkward, ”Let’s start with the presumed genestealer hideouts you have located.”

”Report: I have identified three major sites and twenty minor ones, with the major ones being slightly smaller than the base you have presumably exterminated.”

”Anything that could make it difficult? Without the Patriarch, they should hardly pose a threat if they don’t have something else up their sleeves.”

”Uncertain: Sending reconnaissance squads into their weapons storages would have surely alerted even those low-caliber Xeno cultists.”

”Alright, I will assist you with the Major ones,” I nodded, ”The Arch-Militant can deal with the minor ones, those shouldn’t make a difference.”

”Query: What difference could they make? Ship repairs shouldn’t take more than two months to make us capable of Warp-Jumping, they have no capability of halting our progress.”

”Ah,” fuck, I kind of forgot Selene would never share information an Inquisitor shared with her in confidence without the Inquisitor’s express permission, ”I’ll be blunt Magos, I believe a Splinter Fleet of Hive Fleet Kraken is on its way, heading straight towards us.”

”...Query: How long before it is expected to arrive?”

”I’m not sure but I’ve killed a Lictor on the planet, The Shadow hasn’t descended yet so we might finish with the repairs in time but I’m not counting on it.”

”Understanding: I will have every Adept and Accolyte under me work without rest, the loss of the Wanderer is unacceptable.”

”You do that,” I nodded, ”I will still go along with the extermination, also, what of the samples I’ve asked for?”

”Agreement: I will dispatch the skitarii to aid you in that endeavor, for the samples please follow me.”

I kept up easily with the quadrupedal cyborg as he waddled through the gaggle of half-finished machines and power tools. We reached the back of the circular lab where nothing but the plastel wall remained. Zedev easily pushed a blocky machine the size of a small car away with one of his legs before inserting one of his dangling cables into a small connector in the wall.

I heard cogs turn and metal screech as it was dragged over metal before the wall opened up in front of us. I thought for a moment it’d reveal a magical road in Britain and I could go and buy a wand from an eccentric old man but instead, what was revealed rivaled the most horrid re-enactment of a mad scientist’s laboratory.

Bodies, separated limbs or even just organs by themselves floated inside liquids held in glass-like containers. Shelves were filled with myriads of animal corpses and many others I didn’t even recognize. Then there were the ones that’d probably land good Magos Zedev under severe suspicion of both tech-heresy and much more.

Human, Tyranid, Ork, Gretchen and so many more debatably sentient beings laid about in several stages of dissection.

Unlike what any other 21st-century human or even one from now would have thought I only had a single thought about the sight at that moment.

What a treasure trove.