Card Apprentice Daily Log

Chapter 2598: I’m My Own Enemy

Date: Unspecified

Time: Unspecified

Location: Myriad Realms, Card World, Southern Region, Blossom District, Sky Blossom City, TSR Guild, New Headquarters

”So, you’re giving her space, by being with me. Otherwise, what am I supposed to make of what you said?” Jill suddenly turned my own words against me, pressing them to my throat and leaving me momentarily speechless. Seeing my stunned expression, she patted my back and added consolingly, ”It’s good that you’re finally being honest with me. That way, I can start helping you deal with those two little girls. After all, it’s the queen’s duty to find wives and concubines for the king.”

I stared at Jill with a deadpan expression. She had a way of drawing out my primal side, as if simply being near her stripped away my restraint. Worse still, she didn’t shy away from that part of me. She accepted it, even encouraged it. If she was the spark, then her words and actions were the fuel, lighting and feeding a fire in my heart that refused to die.

Yet, despite everything, I always found myself drawn to her. I wouldn’t go so far as to say she brought out the worst in me, but I also couldn’t claim she brought out the best. I lacked the words to label the part of me that surfaced in her presence, but there was one thing I knew for certain. I never regretted what I said or did when I was with her.

Seeing my hesitation, my reluctance to fully accept the thoughts I had just voiced, Jill shook her head and said, ”The sooner you come to terms with how you feel, the better it will be for you, for me, and for those two.”

I wanted to deny it, yet I couldn’t. There was nothing left to deny. Jill was right. Noticing my inner struggle, she finally relented and went easy on me. ”Stop wasting time here. Go find Anna. Leave this one to me,” she instructed before adding pointedly, ”And in exchange, put a lot more thought into our first date. Don’t you dare forget.”

Jill turned to leave with practiced composure, but just as she reached the terrace door, she found herself unable to open it. She paused, then awkwardly turned back to look at me, her cheeks flushing red. I hurried to explain, ”I’ve added your grimoire ID to the system. You have full access to all my facilities.”

”Thank you,” Jill muttered before opening the terrace door by scanning her grimoire ID and hurrying down the stairs. She had played the role of a chill, calculating, diplomatic queen flawlessly, only for her exit to undo it. Had she maintained her composure instead of giving in to embarrassment, she might have pulled it off.

Shaking my head, I forced myself not to dwell on it, avoiding my own feelings out of shame and guilt. When I was with Jill, she made those feelings seem acceptable, even natural, yet I knew they were wrong.

All my life, I had believed in monogamy. I had been raised on the idea of ”the one.” And now here I was, harboring feelings not for one or two, but for three different women. Each was equally beautiful and intriguing in her own way, each making me feel complete and whole in a manner unique to her. Facing them brought me as much happiness as it did shame.

All my life, especially in my past life, I had never been ashamed of myself. I was guilty of many things, but shame had never been one of them. Yet whenever I confronted my feelings for those three women, I felt equal measures of joy and shame.

Why was that?

Why could I face those feelings when I was with Jill, but not when I was with the other two?

Was it because I had been honest with Jill in a way I hadn’t been with the others?

Was it because Jill had accepted my true feelings?

Did that mean the only way to rid myself of this shame was to be honest with Susan and Anna, just as I had been with Jill?

To let them decide whether they wished to respond to my feelings or not?

To let them decide whether their feelings for me were strong enough to look past the ugliness of my own desires?

Was my truth, and their acceptance of it, my salvation?

Was that it?

So, was it acceptable for me to be in a polygamous relationship, so long as everyone involved was willing and accepting? Was that truly all there was to it?

No. My salvation lay in accepting my own truth. And the truth was simple. I wanted all three of them. The very thought of being forced to choose between them set my nerves on edge.

I had never liked the saying that to gain something, you must lose something else.

In my past life, or in this one, I despised that phrase because it claimed to be an unavoidable truth. Perhaps it had been true once, but in this life, I refused to believe it.

Here, I was no longer as helpless as I had been before. I possessed the power and the means to pursue everything I desired. And all I wanted now was to not be forced to choose between Susan, Anna, and Jill. Was that really too much to ask?

Yet, in the end, it seemed that even in this life I was just as helpless as I had been in the last, because the enemy I faced was myself. I was the judge, the jury, the executioner, and the defendant of this case.

No one else was forcing me to choose between Susan, Anna, and Jill. I alone stood in my own way.

Jill, who was part of it all and knew everything, wasn’t forcing me to choose. If anything, she was pushing me to confront my feelings and accept them, believing that the sooner I came to terms with them, the sooner I could act on them.

The only person who needed convincing was myself.

And perhaps Corey. If she knew what I was thinking right now, she would never forgive me. Fortunately for me, she was now one with her darkness. Otherwise, I would have to worry about that psycho trying to kill me in my sleep, or worse, on the toilet seat.