Soccer Supremo - A Sports Progression Fantasy

8.

Friday, August 11 - One Day Until Chester FC’s First Ever Premier League Match

Extract from the Deva Station podcast

[Epic theme music plays, interspersed with commentary of memorable moments from Boggy and the BBC]

J: Yes! Welcome to Deva Station, I’m your host, J, and it’s a very special episode. The final one before our first ever match in England’s top tier, and we’ve got an absolute treat lined up! It’s the crossover event you never knew you wanted, and one you never thought would happen! I’m here with Boggy, the voice of Seals Live, the voice of Chester!

Boggy: Hi, J. Hi, everyone.

J: And also joining us, for his audio debut, is Coxy, the man behind News of the Blues. How you doing, Coxy?

Coxy: I’m dead nervous. I’m sweating.

J: Haha, you’ll be fine! But do make sure you stay hydrated because we’ve got a long day ahead of us. Try not to brush your mic, there. Okay, good. Right! We’re here at Bumpers Bank, where we’ve been invited to spend the morning and afternoon with Max Best as the team finishes its preparations before it heads down to London.

Boggy: There’s Max now.

J: Max Best ambling towards us. He looks relaxed, fit, and a lot richer than the last time I saw him. Coxy, you’re a wordsmith. How would you describe his look?

Coxy: Should I look at the mic when I’m talking or how does it work?

J: Come on, you melt! Pretend it isn’t there.

Boggy: But do stop fiddling with it.

Max: [Distantly.] All right, lads? Everyone good?

Boggy: Are you on, Max? Click that...

[Harsh fabricky noises.]

Max: You guys starting already? Keen, eh? Keeeeen! You love to see it. You love to see it! [He claps.] Right. We’re gonna get a coffee then attend a team meeting. Whatever you do, don’t look the players in the eye. They’re Premier League now and they don’t consort with the likes of you. Consort. Is that the word I want? Cavort?

Coxy: Consort is right.

Max: Coxy! Have you tortured any puns this morning?

Coxy: No, I’ve been watching videos about how to do vocal warmups. I’m terrified of public speaking.

Max: You’ve brought questions from your readers right? Ask me a tough one.

Coxy: Er... Do you think it would have been better for Chester if you were registered to play for us tomorrow?

Max: No because if I wasn’t playing for Saltney I’d be freaking out about their progress and I wouldn’t be able to think straight. I’m quite good at compartmentalising my duties but this particular European campaign is really important to me personally and by giving it my all on Tuesday I can completely switch off from it on Wednesday and focus on Chester. We have had two great days preparing for the Arse and today’s gonna be another good one, as you’ll see. Boom! Coxy off the mark with a great question! He drew an answer out of the famously media-shy Max Best! Coxy one-nil! Say it.

Coxy: Coxy one-nil?

Max: Say it like you mean it!

Coxy: I can’t. It’s not...

Max: All right. Let’s see who’s on coffee duty today.

***

I led the fans into the canteen and across to the side. Lewis Lamarre was in the coffee crevice, dealing with a small queue of players.

”Coming through!” I called out. ”Make way for the fans!”

J had his phone out, making videos of every scene. He would send them to Brooke and her team, who would check them and give him the go-ahead to post. A few sections would be embargoed until after the Arsenal game, or in one case, until the end of the season.

Leo Los didn’t want to move. ”When I arrived, day one, you gave me a booklet. How to Queue. Do you remember? And now you break the rules. Pushing in! That’s a big no-no.”

I pulled Coxy into the conversation, literally. ”Fans! Fans, Leo! One, two, three Chester fans. They need coffee so they can keep supporting us.”

”I’m a Chester fan,” said Leo. ”They can get coffee after me.”

Jimmy McNeill was ahead of Leo. ”I’m a Chester fan, too. I had a Nice One and Smasho poster on me wall growing up.”

”Those posters were banned in Scotland,” I said. ”Urgh!” I added, pressing my fists into my temples. ”Fine. We’ll stand at the back like a bunch of chumps. Lewis, hurry the fuck up.”

J said, ”Why is Lewis doing this?”

”Because he trained shit,” I said.

”Boooosssss,” complained Lewis. He looked at J. ”I was first out of the penalties challenge. Other than that, I trained amazing.”

”Stop defending yourself and start pressing buttons faster.”

He smiled. ”I’m going as fast as the machine will let me!”

”Don’t blame the machine! I won’t stand for that.” I turned to the three guys I had chosen to represent the fans. ”My overall concept for today is that I’m gonna tell you where the club is at, and where my head is at. How I think, how I have spent the club’s money, stuff like that. You’ll feed that back to your audiences, the club will get a few points on the fan engagement index, and so on and so forth. First thing to note is that we’re not spending tens of millions on ultra-sleek buildings that look breathtaking. We’re doing things nice, classy, but not going over the top, and where we do spend money it’s on things like the coffee machines, the gym equipment.”

”The zen garden,” said Lewis.

I held up a finger. ”Are you having a pop at the zen garden? Choose your next words carefully.”

Lewis mimed zipping his mouth closed.

Boggy said, ”I’ve heard a lot about this garden. Can we see it?”

On hearing the Voice of Chester, Leo turned, his brows furrowed. I said, ”Ha. Boggy, do a goal.”

Boggy looked embarrassed, but he put on his commentator voice and went, ”Here’s Lamarre. Great feet from the Northern Ireland international! He exchanges passes with McNeill. McNeill slips the ball through the defence to Los... and it’s in! Great individual goal from Leo Los, great team goal from Chester! And that makes the score Chester 8, Wrexham nil!”

Leo’s smile lit up the room. ”I have heard your voice many times on the YouTube channel! Please, push in.”

I said, ”It’s not pushing in if you invite him, and you can’t have him.” I hugged Boggy. ”He’s mine.”

”Who’s this?” said Leo, of J.

”J does the number one fan podcast, Deva Station. He’ll be the one slagging you off when you have a bad game, then he’ll be the one getting furious when the mainstream media says the same thing. This is Coxy. He runs News of the Blues, famous for its punny headlines.”

”Funny?” said Leo.

”Punny. Like, er... Leo Laughs Last As...”

Coxy got two red spots on his cheeks, but gamely chipped in. ”Leo Laughs Last As Miscast Chief of Staff Is Put on Blast.”

I stretched my arms wide. ”Wonderful yet alarming! Okay, what was the question? Can we go to the zen garden? Course we can. It’s kind of a free day; anything goes. What I’m thinking is... I was torn about doing this before or after the Arsenal game. My instinct was after but then I thought it would be good to have a record of this very moment, even if it goes against my instincts.”

J said, ”What’s this moment?”

I swept my eyes around the canteen. The kitchen staff were busy but the banter was flowing. Players from the men’s team were relaxed, smiling, always on the edge of a laugh. Coaches were excited, chattering, and through the windows I saw groundsmen, physios, and back office staff going to their stations, quietly buzzing, stuffed to the gills with intrinsic motivation. ”This is the peak. It’s the peak for our morale, for one thing. It’s the peak for our league position. Coxy, where are we in the table?”

”We? Do you mean Saltney?”

”Don’t be salty, sailor!”

He grinned. ”Chester FC are seventh, thanks to alphabetical order.”

”Seventh in the Premier League! Can you believe it?” I sighed, happily. ”Do you remember when Thomas Frank got the Spurs job? In his first press conference he went, the one thing I can promise the fans is that we will lose many games.”

Leo said, ”What? No, not really. He did not say that in his first presser.”

Jimmy nodded. ”He did.”

I said, ”I can sort of understand what he was getting at. He was trying to manage expectations. It’s gonna be tough but we’ll work every day to get where we all want to get. Give me time to do what’s needed. I get it but it’s just shit messaging, isn’t it? At a huge club like Spurs, 9th richest club in the world, highest ticket prices in Europe. The fans were going, soz what? I’m wary of falling into that trap.”

Boggy smiled. ”You aren’t a new manager. You have credit in the bank.”

”Yeah, I guess. We were talking about peaks and this will also be the peak of my relationship with the fans. Everyone loves me now and it’s like the whole city is one big family.” I leaned on the counter. ”I had a talk with Alex - Alex Short, our sports psych - and realised that I’ve been properly repressing my feelings since we got promoted. I haven’t been to Chester. The city centre, I mean. It’s like, you guys are all so happy, you’re on such a high, and I don’t want to harsh your buzz. It has been a huge party, hasn’t it? On my end, I kept imagining some little kid running up to me in the phone shop going, Max, are we gonna win the Premier League? And me going, no, we’re gonna get our arses handed to us so badly the city’s gonna turn against me and I’ll be sacked by November.”

”Oh my God,” said Leo. ”Stop with this. You will not be sacked. You are a hero. A legend.”

Coxy shook his head. ”Five promotions back-to-back. We trounced Wrexham in their Hollywood final. You’ve given this club things beyond our wildest dreams; there’s no way we will call for your head.”

”I demand to be sacked!” I said, pinching my finger against my thumb. ”This is football. This is elite sports. A pundit once said that Pochettino’s biggest achievement was turning Spurs into a club that would sack Pochettino. Chester are a big club now. Premier fucking League. I’ve earned the right to be thrown in the bin the way I’ve chucked anyone who underperformed into the bin.” I raised two index fingers. ”I am a floating megabrain and I know what’s coming. I’m already thinking ahead to what comes after that, which is the incredibly weird and strange situation where I’m sacked as a manager but want to stay on as director of football. This is an emotional sport but fans can be rational. All I want is for Chester fans to go, okay, he couldn’t hack it in the dugout in the Prem but holy shit can he pick a player! I want to be left in charge of player recruitment and the club’s overall vision and today is about one, connecting with the fans, and two, applying for my own job. Sounds good?”

***

J: [Whispering.] We’re in the video analysis room at Bumpers Bank, known affectionately as the Sin Bin. I always thought it was sin as in The Bible, but it’s sin as in cinema, because the room is like a small cinema. It slopes down towards a large screen, and the seats are upright and comfy. Max has invited us to sit in for this briefing, but we probably won’t be able to release this footage until after the Arsenal game. I’m gonna leave a pause here so I know where to cut...

Dan: Hi, are you the guy who writes News of the Blues?

Coxy: [Clears his throat, worried. His voice catches; he tries again.] Yes. Yes, that’s me.

Dan: It’s just that quite often you call me Dan Bradford.

Coxy: Oh, shit, I know, I know! I make mistakes when I’m tired. I’m really sorry.

Dan: Ah, it’s all right.

J: How come you’re here? You’re registered to Saltney this season.

Dan: Right, yeah. [Pause.] So what happens sometimes is that because Chester and Saltney share facilities, we sometimes double-book rooms and we end up sitting in each other’s meetings and stuff. It’s a big problem but don’t worry, we know why it keeps happening and we’ve basically got it solved.

J: Huh.

Max: All right, settle down. [Pause.] I said shut the fuck up! Jesus Christ. Right, we’re gonna do a recap of the Arsenal stuff in a bit, but first I’ve got a few announcements and we’re gonna look at the College 1975 penalty shoot-out. Tyson has picked out a couple of things for us to talk about, including a miserable failure of a Panenka and our very own Tomzilla and Matt Rush scoring pennos 4 and 5. Whoop dere it is!

[Cheers and applause.]

Max: Two quick things. One, the head of performance role. Obviously, in the Prem it’s more important than ever that we get ourselves to peak physical fitness and stay there, but it’s really not easy choosing the right candidate. You have seen that I’ve been putting three candidates through their paces and the feedback I got on all three was very positive. Youngster, you had sessions with them, right?

Youngster: They were all wonderful. When I saw my data at the end, I had gone farther than I expected. They embodied Chesterness; I do not know how you chose a winner. I have never had so much fun in the gym.

Max: [Clicks fingers.] Fun is exactly what I wanted. I wanted high-energy, fun people who motivate you to go an extra few minutes in your sessions, who are subject matter experts, who are comfortable with data, red zones, who will tailor sessions based on input from the physios, all that good stuff. They have tons of experience preparing athletes of all sorts for marathons, climbs, Olympic events, all kinds of stuff, so when I was telling them how I like to work, with periods out of the team for players to rejuvenate, adding condition step by step so we don’t get injuries, they were loving it. It was pure catnip to them. Long story short, I’ve hired all three.

[Surprised murmur.]

Max: Yeah, I thought, why am I thinking about this so hard? We’ve got a fuckton of players and it’s too much for one person to handle. Is it weird that there are three people doing the same job? Of course it is, which is why I told them the minute they start empire building and getting bitchy about who’s in charge, they’re all going in the bin and I’ll try again. I want fit players so they need to work together. Bosh. Done. Next. Any questions? Hmm. Some hands have gone up, making me realise I don’t have the inclination to answer any questions about it. That’s interesting. Okay, moving on.

Some of you were here a few weeks back when we did the Summer Supremo event. You will remember that Spanish coach, Celi Segarra, who was one of those women frustrated by not being able to get on a UEFA Pro course. Well, because you made such a good impression on her, she has decided to join the Max Best Universe. She’s going to be the assistant manager for the Gibraltar Lions, and I’ve got her a place on a UEFA Pro course there on The Rock. Guys, she’s brilliant. That was a really good thing you did, so thanks for that.

[Applause.]

Yeah, I’m totes gonna promote her to manage one of the teams next season. The Magpies, maybe.

Okay so there’s a thing in the world called squid pro quo. It’s where you give me a squid so I give you a squid. The Romans used to do it, but no-one knows why. Youngster, put your hand down. What it means in this case is that since you’ve helped me ensnare a brilliant coach for my other projects, I’m going to treat you. J, Boggy, Coxy, you’re getting an exclusive here. This is monumental news. You thought the club’s transfer business was done for the summer? Think again. Think a-fucking-again!

[Murmur of excitement.]

Max: Please welcome to the stage... Derek Marsden!

[Scattered applause. One whoop.]

Max: Yeah. Now, you’re looking at Derek thinking, that guy is not a football player. Which is very rude of you, frankly. Derek, what position do you play?

Derek: Er, I sort of go wherever the ball is not, if you get me. [He giggles.]

Max: A bit like Pascal, you mean.

Pascal: Hey! I clapped the loudest! What the hell!

[General laughter.]

Max: Lads, listen. Listen very carefully. Some of you know how I think this season’s gonna go. It’ll be super hard at first, harder than it has ever been. Harder than League Two. For those of you who weren’t around in those days, after 9 games we were dead last. Dead last in League Two after nine games. Guess what happened? I’ll tell you what happened, we got good and fucking smashed it.

[Cheers, applause, two whoops.]

Max: It’s gonna be hard again. Me? I’ve got the stomach for the fight. In fact, I’m gonna be taking on extra fights! I’m gonna tilt at shitty oppo managers, at shitty owners, at Digiworld, at the FA, at Alan Turner, at the Daily Mail, at UEFA, at FIFA. Did I forget anyone?

Dan: Pascal.

[Laughter.]

Max: Haha. No way! I would never! Except just now because it was funny. I’m just saying that if a manager has nine shit games in the Prem, he’s probably gonna lose his job. You know me, I’ve got plans within plans within plans. I’ll be all right, and Chester FC will ride the wave that wiped me out. Chester FC will go from strength to strength, and that’s what I want. That’s what I’ve been working so hard to achieve! This isn’t about me, it’s about the collective. It’s about the team.

The first nine games in the Prem suck? So what? It’s just a blip, and there’s no-one to blame except Wibbers. [Jeers.] And Helge. [Jeers.] And Ryan Reynolds. [Prolonged jeers.] But while I’m kicking it on my sofa, eating grapes and scratching my junk, you’ll be training, competing, getting better, and by the end of this season every single one of you will be established as a Premier League player. Other clubs will be smashing down my door trying to sign you, the honour of the badge will be intact, all’s well that ends well.

Through the hot flames of adversity, our imperfections will be melted away, and we will be tempered like steel. Hey, this is a great image, isn’t it? I wonder how it would go in a German accent? [He mimics Pascal.] The metal must be burned in fire for it to become strong!

[Laughter.]

Pascal: Why are you rinsing me today?

Max: Because the others are big babies who can’t hack it.

Pascal: I am annoyed but I also want more steel-based imagery. This would be a good promo spot for the marketing team, no? A steelworks. Flames, liquid metal, shimmering heat, and out comes raw steel which is processed into the pin sold in the club shop.

Max: Oh my God that is mint. Narrated by one of the players. Who has the sexiest voice?

Youngster: Meghan.

Marek: Marek.

Pascal: Jimmy.

Max: What the hell are you talking about? Jimmy? He’s - oh, wait a second. Steel. Scotland. Irn Bru. Jimmy, say this: There’s been a murder on the girders.

[Anticipatory laughter.]

Jimmy: There’s been a murder on the girders.

[Laughter.]

Gabriel: What language was that? [More laughter.] No joke! Why you laugh?

Max: Okay, let’s settle. Jimmy sexiest voice confirmed. Pascal, take that idea to the marketing team, please. I love it.

[Sound of footsteps going away and coming back as Max paces around.]

Max: This is peak, isn’t it? Peak togetherness. Yeah? Wrong. There’s one more step before we reach the summit, and that step is called Derek. Derek is my gift to you for all the hard graft I know that’s coming.

As staunch as you are, there will be winter mornings when you would rather stay in bed than come here to train. You’ll get up in the pitch black, you’ll drive here on icy roads, you’ll do your best in the drills with the mockery of the world in your ears - because that’s who you are. You are peak human beings and I believe that you will be an elite team, but there’s one aspect of life where every single one of you rates 5 out of 10, maximum. [Awkward pause.] The PetPride Stand will open later this season and there will be a dental clinic, a tattoo parlour, and in the classiest unit of them all... [some whoops of excitement from the more intelligent players] ... I’ve been keeping him to myself all this time... my hairdresser ...

[Max’s last words are inaudible. J’s microphone temporarily shuts down under the intensity of the screaming and shouting. Players are jumping around making noise like Chester fans at the playoff final. The celebrations go on for a half a minute.]

Max: [Pleased.] I thought you might like that one.

***

J: [By the sounds of knives, forks, and cutlery rattling against plates, they’re back in the canteen.] Okay, we’ve sat through the morning briefing and it was bonkers. Wasn’t it, Coxy?

Coxy: These young men have so much energy! It’s really exhausting.

J: Was there anything that stood out to you? Because I was blown away by everything.

Coxy: I don’t know. I’m almost dizzy from it. So much happened in one meeting!

Boggy: I want to ask Max about the penalty shoot-out video we watched. Like, it’s the start of the season and we play Arsenal tomorrow. Why is he thinking about penalty shoot-outs? Not that it’s wrong, of course. We have the AOK Cup soon, against Barnsley. It’s very possible that could go to penalties. But I would have thought the entire focus would have been on Arsenal.

J: I know what you mean but maybe they don’t want to spend their whole time talking about one thing. I mean, Arsenal are a good team but they aren’t the bogeymen. We have to play Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool, United. If you fixate on just one name, I mean, aren’t the players going to be paralysed? I wish my work meetings were like what we just saw. The lad Tyson showed some interesting things about which sides the pens went, how obvious it was that the one Serbian guy was going to shoot down the middle. Good technical stuff, then a reminder of the way Arsenal play and what the plan is to stop them. They had already watched the videos, right? It was just a refresher.

Coxy: The briefing was encouraging. Obviously it’s manic and there are lots of jokes but it’s also serious, and my favourite part was that the goalkeepers were the most vocal in the shoot-out segment. Max is the best penalty taker I’ve ever seen but he was keen to hear what the goalies had to say.

J: He challenged them, too, didn’t he? He was getting really into the weeds about the trigger movements and the weight distribution but also the psychology of which way they were diving and the way he says it, it’s incredibly obvious which way the goalie is going to dive. No wonder he almost always scores! He knows which way to send the shot!

Coxy: Yes, but he knows that the other players aren’t on his level so if we want to win a shoot-out we need five good penalties, not just one. I don’t know, I just thought it was a really cool insight. The penalty part was only, what, four minutes in total? But the players were completely enthralled and quite a few were asking the goalies if they could sneak in some penalty practice.

Boggy: I liked the last part of that sequence, where Max said, of course if you need some really top advice, ask Lewis how to take a good pen... and do the opposite. It was funny because Lewis took a bad penalty yesterday, but Max rocked him by the shoulder and said, the irony is that Lewis is a top five penalty taker in the whole club and it just goes to show that even the best guys sometimes don’t score.

I expect everyone to give their best, to think about their technique, study, train, but I hope we are smart enough and humble enough to realise that shit happens and if one of us stuffs up at the end of a gruelling cup match, we don’t get on their case because it could be any of us, including me. If we are smart and stay humble and leave this Panenka shit to the Instagram players, we’ll win far more shoot-outs than we lose.

J: What have we got next?

Boggy: We’re watching training on the D. Cox We Love You Pitch.

[Pause.] Coxy: Pardon me?

Boggy: That’s what it says, look.

J: I bet Max has bought a sign. Like, a metal sign in the club’s font, just for today. Haha. He’s a maniac.

***

J: We’re out on the main training pitch watching the players warm up. It’s a hot day and Max said London tomorrow will be scorching, so to the Chester fans going to London, bring sunscreen.

Coxy: Actually he said to bring sun cream, then changed it to sunscreen, then had a mild panic about why there are two words and if they’re different, why doesn’t he know the difference?

J: The session we’re about to watch is being led by Vikki, known in some sections of the fanbase as Vikki the Viking. Obviously, if you’re going to play Arsenal you want to do a lot of set piece training. Max was warming up with the group but he’s coming over here.

Boggy: To the corner flag.

J: Oh, right! Of course. Let’s reposition ourselves, lads.

[Muffled sounds.]

Boggy: Max, can we talk to you?

Max: Course, yeah. I’m just gonna smash some corners in.

Boggy: It’s just that you’re registered to Saltney Town.

Max: What happens sometimes is that because Chester and Saltney share this space, we sometimes double book. It’s quite annoying, obviously, but all you can do is make the best of it. I’m going to practise my corner kicks and that Chester mob can get on with whatever they’re getting on with.

Boggy: They’re setting up to defend corners. That’s convenient, isn’t it?

Max: What?

J: What’s with the fiction? You can train with Chester even if you’re registered with Saltney, right?

Max: Registered? What means registered? Okay, here’s a thing that is fun to do. I watch clips of famous players and take corners the way they do.

Boggy: Hoho, I see. Will you be mimicking Dougal Boyle?

Max: How does he take corners?

Boggy: Hits them hard, swinging in towards goal while his mates in the six-yard box block the keeper to stop him from getting to the ball.

Max: Huh. Like this?

[Slight pause, then the sound of movement, a ball being struck, the distant shouts of other players.]

J: Holy shit.

Coxy: Terrifying.

Boggy: Max! Why don’t you take corners like that?

Max: Because it’s ugly.

Boggy: It’s effective!

Max: Vikki, you good?

Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

Vikki: Same again, boss.

[Max takes another corner. Someone in the six-yard box goes oof.]

Max: Look at the state of it. Awful.

Coxy: You nearly scored direct!

Max: Vikki!

[Sound of jogging.] Vikki: Yes, boss?

Max: I want to show the fans what true beauty looks like.

Vikki: Will I bring you a mirror?

Max: Oh my God! Haha. I’m gonna hit a proper corner. Put Helge on the back post running in, will ya?

Vikki: Got it.

Coxy: Should we be worried that Helge hasn’t signed a new contract yet?

Max: No. It’s all agreed but I want to get him to sign it on the pitch before our next home game. Traditional. I’m thinking of going full 1970s with it. Get Helge dressed in one of those funny shirts people used to wear. Pair of flares. MD can just wear his usual clobber. Okay, check this out.

[Max swishes through the ball, lightly grunting with effort, then there’s the thunk of a header, the ripple of the net, followed by applause.]

Boggy: That’s a throwback! Right out of the 70s!

J: The audio-only listeners are missing out. Guys, you’ve got to get on the video for this part.

Max: Drop your email address into the box and J will send you his guide on how to double your channel’s engagement. Right, can we all agree that’s an absolute thing of beauty? As a fan, you see where the ball is going, you see the jump, you can track the flight of the header. The Arsenal way is to create chaos, have as many players as poss smash into the goalie without being punished by the ref, and their ideal is that the fans don’t even know how the ball went in the net. Dougal Boyle is a good player and he can hit the cross that I just did but he has been trained to do the ugliest possible version. Everything Arsenal do is the ugliest possible version of that thing because their manager has seen on a spreadsheet that it’s 0.001% more effective.

See that routine I just did with Helge? There were a few sneaky blocks in there, some deception, and we’ve got one of Vikki’s innovations that I won’t discuss because it’s our secret sauce for this season. Do you know what I mean? We’re not angels. We’re not making it easy for the oppo but we’re not basing our entire identity on the idea that referees are weak and shit.

[He takes another corner. There are collisions, shouts of pain, complaints.]

Max: Hideous.

***

J: We’re on a break from corners. Max jogged across to the other flag and took some left-footers in the style of different Arsenal players. We could name them just from how the crosses came in. It’s unbelievable, isn’t it, Boggy?

Boggy: Unbelievable.

J: We look solid, to be honest. I’m more confident than I was before. Here’s Max again. Max, we’re solid, right? We can defend corners.

Max: Yeah, most of them. Arse are an entirely predictable team, but that doesn’t really help. You can know that Moses is gonna cut inside and shoot with his left, but he’s gonna score 10 goals a season doing exactly that.

Coxy: Most teams double-mark him. Will we do that?

Max: I’m not planning to do that because it’ll put too much stress on the rest of the team. We’ll have our structure and we’ll operate within that structure. If we can get to an hour without conceding, the home fans might get tetchy and the players might get nervous because it would be incredibly embarrassing not to beat us. Their budget is eleven times ours. Boyle and Moses together earn what our entire squad does.

J: Really? That’s crazy.

Max: Imagine spending 4 billion quid to create such an unwatchable team.

Boggy: 4 billion? Are you sure?

Max: 2 billion in transfer fees, 2 billion in wages.

Coxy: I’ve been watching Saltney, Max, and I’ve got to say, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, it is also hard to watch.

Max: Saltney cost like 4 million to put together. Arsenal are 4 billion. Do you know the difference between 4 million and 4 billion? It’s 4 billion. With Saltney, same as Chester, all I can do is get the best players who will come and try to shape them into a coherent team. Saltney have no fans so I don’t feel I’m letting anyone down with the style of play. If there are matches this season where Chester need to get super defensive, to make games horrible, we will do it. But it can’t be the default.

Coxy: Can I ask about Saltney and your other projects? There have been some poor results, some good ones. How is it all going from your point of view and what does it mean for Chester fans?

Max: See, I don’t see the results as poor. The Gibraltar Lions got to the second round of qualifying. That’s an improvement on last season, when they weren’t in the competition! The Magpies, that’s the team my parents-in-law own, got knocked out last night, which is the same as they did last season. They got a tough draw again. This time it was Djurgårdens, from Sweden. One of the stronger teams they could have drawn. What can you do? It’s literally the luck of the draw. Then College won that penalty shoot-out, as you saw, and that was pretty huge for me personally. Two teams I consult for are in the Champions League playoff round so my bonuses will be decent. I don’t have enough to build a big house with a go-kart track around it, but it has been a good start.

J: Is that your goal? To have a go-kart track?

Max: I don’t think I’m very obnoxious when it comes to money. When I started at Chester I was struggling, to be honest, and I haven’t forgotten that. I’m never gonna buy a Ferrari, never gonna buy a yacht, never gonna buy a Rolex. I might buy a canal boat. That would be fun, right? I could sneak into Birmingham and no-one would know I was there. And I could rent it out when I’m not using it. I wonder what the ROI on a barge is? If someone listening to this knows the answer and knows a barge guy, get in touch, please. But I don’t know what it is, I really want a go-kart track. Just put on my little helmet and whizz around in my back garden. That’s the one thing where people will go, oh he lost touch with his roots, he’s in his ivory tower, he doesn’t even know the price of a pint of milk.

J: What will you do when you get bored of go-karting? You’ll have all that useless track around your garden.

Max: I don’t know. Hedgehog races?

Coxy: I was hoping to get the Chester angle on your UEFA commitments.

Max: Right right right. So the plan is that I’ve got two more games for Saltney. We’re playing Young Boys, from Bern, and I’ll be in Switzerland when Chester are playing Barnsley in the AOK Cup. Young Boys are a serious team that maybe lack some firepower so it could be another close one. Hopefully we get through to the league phase, and then I’ll be back playing for Chester away to Man City.

J: Ahhh! I just got shivers. Man City away! You’ll miss Brighton at home but you’ll be back for Man City away. A few years ago, Barnsley in the cup would have been the biggest game of our season by far, but now they’re the odd one out. Arsenal, Brighton, City... Barnsley.

Coxy: Will we take the cups seriously?

Max: Yes. I need to go join in those drills, so let me think if there’s anything else to say about this. [Pause.] Yeah, basically I know it’s weird but getting into the Champions League is not just a vanity project for me, it’s about financial security for my family, it’s about getting a bunch of Chester’s players up to speed, and it’s about taking up a slot that some billionaire would be expecting. Does a billionaire own Young Boys? Yes. Is he a baddie? I have no idea. Is it funny that a tiny club across the border will be in the Champions League instead of the most successful Swiss team? One billion percent. All right, back in a bit.

***

My next match was on Tuesday, so I went hard at training, which was varied and enjoyable. Sometimes I went over to the fans to see if they had a question about what we were doing.

After the sesh, while in the shower, my mind wandered far and wide.

One topic was what to do with Bench Boost. The first leg against YB was at home. Did it make sense to go hard at it, try to run up the score, make the second leg a formality? Or would it be better used in the second leg, since there was a risk the tie could go to extra time? If it did, I would get an extra 30 minutes from my boosted players.

Hard to decide.

The fans had asked me about money. The numbers for the Conspiracy were looking very, very rosy. The Lions had earned 0.7 million, which was basically break-even. The Magpies got 1.1 million, which was a slight profit. The penalty shoot-out win for College was immense. Rushy’s winning pen was worth about four million quid!

After wages, bonuses, and travel costs, the Conspiracy’s pot would be at least 8 million. There was the chance to step that up in a big way, but I didn’t really fancy the team’s chances of beating AEK Athens in the playoff. The second leg would be in Greece, the atmosphere would be formidable, and I rated College as about 30% likely to get through. If they didn’t win, they would fall into the Europa League - eight matches, eight more lottery tickets.

Long story short, I had mentally added 4 million quid to my bank account in Gibraltar and there was more to come.

And Saltney?

Saltney were two games away from the jackpot. 18 million quid was right there. Right there! Even if we lost against Young Boys, the prize money would be 8.7 mill, of which I would be able to take two mill or so. I could safely say I was 6 million up for the summer, and I could double that if I signed the contract MD kept reminding me of.

I thought of the away end at The Emirates before and after tomorrow’s match. From peak excitement to the harshest dose of reality. Our fans would be drenched in cold water while I was drenching myself in cash.

***

I took the guys to the edge of Phase Three. ”See these pitches to our left?”

”Yes,” said Boggy.

”We left gaps for more pitches and now we’ve got the funds to fill them in. From right to left, we’re doing another under 16s pitch, grass. Then it’s two under 8s, the mini size, grass. They’re only 25 grand each but obviously every pitch we add comes with running costs so you don’t want to expand past your means. We don’t have a ton of under 8 players but whatevs. If you build it, they will come, right? We’ll do sessions for rando kids, and that size can be used for individual skills training. It’s all good. Then next to that is an under 10s pitch, and that one’s gonna be another 3G all-weather deal. 400 grand. I mean, that’s the kind of luxury non-league Chester could only have dreamed of. Will it be used? Yeah. Is it strictly necessary for the running of the club? Course not. But it’s about getting a mix of pitches, sizes, options, marked out for different age groups, usable by everyone. I wanted to build a football wonderland. We’re nearly there.”

J said, ”These extra pitches, what’s the total cost?”

”All this is just over half a mill. As a PL club it’s buttons but for me it’s about the running costs. Can we afford the extra groundsmen? The extra fertiliser and mowing robots? Yes, we can, but we are still in a place where we have to be mindful.”

”What’s all that?” said Coxy.

”Ha,” I said. ”I came to tell you about Phase Three but so far I’ve only talked about finishing Phase One. Okay so to our right is the layout of a new pitch, and around it will be The Dome. You’re supposed to have one of those when you’re in the Prem. I don’t mind it because it’s a good pitch you can use even if there’s a blizzard and stuff. We won’t have to go begging Tranmere or Wrexham to use their stuff, right? And if they get snowed in, they can come here... if they’re nice.”

”Heh,” said J.

”Straight ahead there will be another pitch, super drainage, hybrid, state-of-the-art. That will be every bit as good as the one in the stadium. To the left, the academy buildings. Basically some cool classrooms and whatnot. Around the boundary, a tree line. It will be sort of dense in that corner over there and it’ll just take the edge off, visually, because I don’t want Bumpers to just be a sea of football pitches. That’s cool to an extent but I’ve been to enough training grounds now that if it’s pitches as far as the eye can see it’s actually quite bleak.

”And the tree line will help blend us in with the wood that’s behind the fence. It’s just a tiny hint that we’re not our own little world but we’re part of the community. Jonny, the head groundsman, he just wants his grass and his fields and his nitrogen meters and all that, but I said, bro, I’m putting my foot down. If we get a woodpecker attacking the goalposts, brilliant, let me know right away so I can come and look. He’s very very slowly coming round to the idea that there’s more to life than grass. Okay, we’ll go to Phase Two and then you can ask me questions in the zen garden.”

***

J: [Whispering.] We’re in the zen garden at Bumpers Bank. It’s unbelievably quiet! You walk through the gates and this hush descends on you. It’s really something. This is the kind of thing that seems like a waste of money but when you experience it for yourself, it defies expectations. Boggy, what do you think?

Boggy: I’m honestly blown away. It’s absolutely stunning. It’s Owen Elmham’s zen garden, as we have all seen in the videos, but it is here in Chester, recreated grain for grain. There’s a rake there, and Coxy is pulling the sand or whatever the proper term is. There are a few benches so you can sit, relax, be at one with the universe. The soundproof walls are really effective! Yeah, I don’t know, I would love to come here and just think. I’m not a very esoteric person but this is a special place.

J: Totally agree. I can understand why someone like Max, who is so busy and active and has so much to do, would come here and try to shut his brain off. The acer trees are blood red, the boulders have a serene quality, the design compels you to walk around the space.

Boggy: It’s simply wonderful.

Max: All right, lads. I was thinking we could do five, ten minutes of questions before lunch.

J: Coxy, we’re doing questions. Stop raking the sand, man!

Coxy: It’s so fun!

Boggy: I’ve got one, Max. You have loaned out a lot of fan favourites. Tomzilla, Dan Badford, and a lot of us are hugely enthusiastic about Tony Herbert. There is the suspicion that those players are helping you with your projects.

Max: Yeah, well, they are, I can’t say they aren’t, but if I didn’t have Saltney and College those players would be at, I don’t know, Hull, Preston, Bristol City. I don’t rate them as ready for the Premier League, not yet. They will be! You’re right to be excited about them.

J: Question from my Patreons. What are you afraid of this season?

Max: The worst thing would be the fans turning on the players. Booing, jeering, you’re not fit to wear the shirt, all that crap. Do you remember that Wolves team that had, like, two points after 18 games or something insane? They got better, didn’t they? By the end they were taking points from the top teams, fighting hard every minute of every game. This group is way, way more talented than that Wolves group. I know it’s frustrating to travel five hours to watch a disasterclass, but stick with us and we’ll show that we’re quality and that we’re representing the badge. Trust me, any player who isn’t in this whole-heartedly will be binned off long before it’s visible to the fans.

Coxy: It’s going to be a tough start, that’s clear. I think everyone can accept that. But how long until we’re competitive? Will we have two points after 18 games like Wolves?

Max: How long? I would say give us ten games to acclimatise but then match ten is Leeds, eleven is Everton, twelve is Chelsea. Ha ha, it’s fucking crazy. Okay but the next four are Fulham, West Ham, Bournemouth, and Ipswich. We could get six points from those four and you’d start to think, hey, this group is getting to be a nuisance. You know I like to say that we’re a menace. I think menace comes closer to the end of the season but nuisance? We can get to nuisance levels by December. I know that’s way too long but that’s how it is.

Boggy: Which teams are you most looking forward to playing?

Max: Oh my God. Um... It might be that run I just mentioned. Fulham play hard but they’re fun. I like Fulham. Bournemouth might be the most fun team in the Prem and that one could end up being, like, 6-5 or something. And Ipswich try to play football and, okay, they have spent way more than us, but who hasn’t? That one will be a proper football match, meaning both teams will try to pass and create chances and be entertaining.

J: I have questions but don’t want to bring the tone down.

Max: Come on, J. Hit me.

J: One question that got a lot of upvotes - and downvotes, to be fair - was this. If we go down, will it be because you failed in the transfer market or because you were playing for a different club at the start of the season?

Max: It’ll be because our budget is 40 million quid, the closest teams have four times that, and the top teams have over ten times that! Are you sure that question wasn’t sent in by a Wrexham fan? Fuck it, I’ll answer it anyway. [Pause.] From the two options, I would say it’s because I was playing for a different club, because this current transfer window is one of the greatest of all time. Seriously, it’s gonna be one that other clubs use as an example of what’s possible if you get your recruitment right. Rushy, Leo, Cheb, Ruud, Marek. Jimmy McNeill on a free! That’s really gonna turn the heat up on future directors of football. Even Murray Burnett. I mean, that will be remembered as the correct way to use the loan system. I’ve had an 11 out of 10 window, and there’s no way I can live up to that as a mere player.

J: Question from my Patreon. Could we?

Max: Ha ha. Could we stay up? Yeah. I’m really torn between hyping everyone up and managing expectations but yeah. I would have said we had a pretty low chance but the signing of Ruud Berkenbosch changes things. I’m not saying we’ll deffo do it, but Ruud swings the odds in our favour just enough to make me think, yeah, manage expectations but leave some space for some hype. I mean, buying Ruud is like getting another Wibbers. You’ve seen Wibbers, right? Imagine having two of them! Well, soon you won’t have to imagine! [He chuckles.] The problem is that there are only 38 matches. We have been used to 46, right? 46 is a lot more forgiving.

To stay up we basically need sooooo many things to go our way, things we can’t control. What I want is that we focus on the training ground, individual improvement, working hard, all that good stuff, because every now and then we will come up against a team that’s imploding, a team that gets a player sent off after ten minutes, a team that’s got Real Madrid three days later, and we will be able to pick up points.

Coxy: Can I ask a horrible one?

Max: Yep.

Coxy: Why do you hate England?

Max: The cricket team? I suppose it’s because they kind of give you this mad feeling of hope all the time. They’re so amazingly good, so extremely talented, that when they lose a five-day match in two days you just think, what the fuck was that? But I don’t hate them; I’m just very, very disappointed. I think that’s good for now; we can do more later.

Boggy: Sorry, Max, one last one. What made you think Magnus Evergreen could play in the Premier League? You saw him back in tier six and thought, now there’s a player, but as I understand it, Magnus was just a physio who barely even trained with the first team.

Max: I can’t really answer that, Boggy, because to me those things are just obvious. When I see a Caravaggio, I think ’cor, that’s mustard, that.’ When I see the demented crayon scribblings of Jamie Lane-Beeks, I recoil in horror and think ’oh god, no, what hath he wrought?!’

Boggy: [Laughing.] Hath?

Max: What hath he wrought?! [More quietly.] Can you cut that part out? Aiden will batter me if she hears I’ve been bad-mouthing Jamie’s art. She plasters it everywhere. You know the fridge in Ghostbusters, and there’s like a portal to another dimension inside? In the Lane-Beeks household, the portal’s on the outside. [He shudders.]

***

At lunch, I let the fans hang out with different players and coaches, then I went into the bar area beside the canteen. Spectrum and Pradeep had set up a table with three desktop PCs to accommodate the latest craze sweeping our players.

Macca Serra was at one PC, Cheb was next, and Gabby was on the third. A bunch of other players were standing behind, watching. Every now and then, laughter erupted.

J came up to me. ”Can I film this?”

”Absolutely.”

”What’s going on?”

”Okay, did you hear that I hired a guy to play video games all night?”

”Of course I did.”

”Sumo, the Twitch guy, wanted to welcome him to the gaming community or whatever, so he set my dude up on Twitch and they played games together. The first one was called Peak and those clips went viral. Did you see anything from that?”

”No, I must have missed it.”

”Maybe it was only viral in the player chats but they were like, Spectrum, Deep, you’ve got to hook us up with this. Roddy Jones trained shit one day and I quizzed him and he said he was up late playing Peak, so I’ve banned it except for under supervision. There’s another batch of players at Saltney playing it right now, and Spectrum’s making sure they don’t go on too long. I don’t want it like Zé Roberto, who was addicted to Crash Bandicoot, or Ozil, who didn’t heal from a back injury because he was playing Fortnite too much.”

”But what is it? The actual game?”

”Fans coming through! Out of the way!” Cheeky and Murray Burnett moved to the side so that I could show Gabby’s screen to J. ”Okay that’s Gabby there.”

”Super cute graphics!”

I poked the striker. ”Gabby, say something.”

Gabby was wearing a headset and when he spoke, his character’s mouth moved. J laughed. ”Okay.”

”The point of the game is to climb to the peak. You’d think that’s why it’s called Peak... and you’d be right. It’s a team game, though, so it’s like you can squeeze through a cave hole but your mate can’t, so when you get up you have to drop a rope and help them up.”

”So it’s team-building.”

”Yeah, kinda. Mostly it’s just incredibly funny. The first time Gabby played, he was carrying the thingy. Grappling hook. He was supposed to shoot it and make a rope bridge but he pressed the wrong button so he just chucked the hook away and it fell ten miles to the bottom of the canyon.”

Gabby shook his head. ”So terrible, this game.”

”So let someone else have a go.”

”No. I love it.”

J said, ”What’s happening now?”

Gabby pointed to the screen. ”That’s Snakey. He has the coconut and he must throw across this hole, yes? I catch it and we go more up.”

”Oh,” said J, smiling but confused.

Suddenly there was pandemonium, with almost everyone in the room doubled over, laughing. One of the cute avatars was falling, falling, hit the ground, and bounced up with a comedy effect, set to a backdrop of screams. Macca was frustrated but for some reason was laughing along with everyone else. ”Gabby! What did you do? You knocked me off!”

Gabby pointed to the screen. ”I did not! I catch the nut!”

Cheeky, drying her eyes, said, ”Snakey threw the coconut just as you climbed up. It hit you in the head!”

Snakey’s voice came through the speakers. ”It was a great save, Macca. You’re a natural goalie.”

Macca mumbled, ”Next time I hit you in the coconuts...”

I shook her by the shoulder. ”Do you have to climb all the way up again? Want to start our chat early instead?”

”Yes, okay.”

”Suuuubbbb!” I cried, as Macca took the headset off and eased out of the chair. ”Lads, let’s roll!”

***

The three fans came with me to one of our media rooms, which had cameras and lighting all set up. Sophie, from Seal Studios, dabbed some powder on Macca’s face.

”Remember,” I said, ”we’re gonna film this but whether we use it or not is up to you.”

”This is for Chesterness?” said Macca.

”Yeah. It’s going to serve as an outline of what I expect from the season, which would obviously be useful content to go in the first episode, but it’s also a discussion between me and you about the squad. A private conversation that no-one except Sophie will hear until it comes out on the telly. So why have I let three fans in? I just want to give them a sense of how I do my director of football function. They will be completely discreet, partly because if they blab to anyone, they’ll get banned from the stadium and then they’re fucked.”

”Boggy works for Chester, doesn’t he?”

”Part-time, but I wasn’t talking about Boggy. I trust the others, obviously, or they wouldn’t be here. I’m just saying that we can talk freely, it won’t leak, but those guys, when they’re speculating about what’s going on with certain players or situations they will have a better understanding that I’m not just making things up on a day-to-day basis. There is a masterplan.”

”Okay.”

”Sophie, are we good to start?”

”Yep.”

I stretched, then turned slightly towards Macca. She had a point less CA than Elsa Lund, but Macca was the key player. She would be our brain and our technical leader. When shit was getting real, the others would turn to her. I clapped my hands. ”I signed two more players, as promised.”

She nodded. ”Poppy and Jisook.”

”Right. Now, my plan at the start of the summer, as I told you, was to get five stars. Five players on the same level as you, Cheeky, and Elsa so that we could come out of the starting blocks fast and ready to win. What I don’t want is for you to think that I wasn’t being honest when I was recruiting you.”

”The new players are not good?”

”They’re mint but they aren’t top internationals like you. I want to explain my reasoning and, basically, if you’re not happy I’ll sign another ready-made player.”

Her eyes widened. ”If I say sign a player, you’ll sign a player?”

”Yeah, I think so. The last thing I want is for you to think I betrayed you or something like that. I will spend what it takes to make sure you’re happy here.”

”You have the money?”

”We have plenty of money for a female player. Two, three. It’s not about money, it’s about team composition.”

She thought about that. ”Okay. Tell me more.”

”Top.” I tapped a laptop key and the squad appeared on a screen behind us. Macca could see it in front of her. ”Here’s the squad. We are looking at options for the backup goalie. Don’t worry about that, that slot will be filled. Then we will have 27 players in the squad. It’s quite a lot, right?”

”Too many.”

”Sure, but some are babies. These four are training with the first team to accelerate their development, but they won’t play much. A few sub appearances to get some experience. Let’s look at the centre backs. It’s basically four players for three slots. Poppy, Femi, Meghan, and Victoria Rose. In terms of talent, I think that’s number one in the country, and right up there with the best in Europe. It won’t take long until they are competitive, but the big four teams will give us big problems at the start of the season. My solution to that is we go very attacking in those games.”

”Very attacking?”

”Yeah. If we are reckless, we’ll score tons of goals. I think we will score against anyone.”

”I never heard a coach say he wanted to be reckless.”

”I don’t want to be but that’s the temporary solution. They score 3, we score 4. It will be very annoying for you; I know you like control. The good news is, we’ll control the other games. The nine other teams don’t scare me at all. We can be serious against those teams. But what I would say is that in buying Poppy instead of a top, top star we reduce our chance of winning the league from maybe 6% to maybe 3%. But if that decision costs us two or three points this season, it will gain us seven or eight points next season. I really think Poppy is going to be a major player. She solves a problem we don’t even have yet, that’s how good she is.”

Macca smiled. ”But if I say buy a player, you buy a player. You mean a defender?”

”That would be the most logical one, yeah. The problem is that Victoria Rose is pretty much going to play all the time, and if we block off another slot, that leaves Femi, Meghan, and Poppy competing over the last place. You will see this season that there is huge improvement in Meghan and Poppy, but only if they play enough. So it’s like we gain two points this season but lose five points next season because our players didn’t reach the levels they should.”

”You know the levels exactly? You know the development exactly?”

”Yes. Then we have Jisook. My instinct is that she will fit perfectly into the team. She’s similar to our other players, so we don’t have to change style whether we use her or Meredith or Saffron, but she has her own skills. I think she will bring an X-factor to the team, and she will be especially useful against low blocks. Don’t laugh - teams will be low blocking us soon enough. Again, we could buy someone further along in her journey but at the cost of this growth.

”I think what we have right now, meaning right now when pre-season training is just getting underway, is the fifth-best starting eleven in the WSL, but we have by far the most growth potential. We will overtake Man United and because of the way we play, we’ll have a huge goal difference by the end of the season. Another thing. Our starting eleven might be a little behind Chelsea, Arsenal, Man City, but we will win at least one of those games and if they are taking points from each other... anything’s possible.

”This will be an amazing season, guaranteed, and then next year the same group will kick on to another level, and then another. It will be ages before we peak, and when we do we’ll be so far ahead of everyone it will be funny. The other teams will be throwing coconuts at their own heads.”

Macca smiled. ”That will make no sense on the documentary.”

”Shit, you’re right. Ha. Okay, that’s it. The season will be a lot of fun, maybe more fun than you would like, ha, but you will be astonished at how fast the players around you improve and we will be in contention for the league and all the cups. So what do you think?”

Macca shrugged. ”What can I say? You are very confident. You don’t need to tell to me the ideas. What is it that you worry about?”

I thought about how I could frame it. ”So... if I had signed Poppy and Jisook first, would you have thought, wow, amazing, I want to play with them?”

”Of course not, because I do not know them. But it was the other way and now I am here and I see the levels more closely and I am content. It is good. No problem. Let’s go to the season. We go to the top together. I help Cheeky and she helps Victoria and she helps Poppy and so we climb.”

”We rise!” I said, punching the air.

”We rise,” said Macca. She got a distant look about her, pulled at her lips, and said, ”Wait.”

”Yep?”

”I am unhappy. This is a big change. You promised one thing, you gave another. Very bad, Max Best. Very bad. I want, ah... compensation.”

”Go on.”

”One more hour on the game.”

”One more hour per day?”

”One more hour today.”

I laughed. ”Holy shit, that game is way too addictive. It’s going to ruin us.”

***

Macca went back to the games room. The fans and I had a break for tea and biccies, then we walked around Bumpers. I answered questions on all sorts of topics while J filmed.

”The PetPride is happening,” said Coxy, ”but what’s the plan for the Main Stand?”

”We’re basically gonna copy the schematics from the PetPride and copy paste it, but it will extend outwards because we need office space, a ginormous trophy cabinet, more medical and media space, and the club museum. It will be pretty substantial when it’s done. I want a hotel, too, and there’s the question of where that should be. Ideally it would be integrated into the footprint of the stadium but it might be that it has to be separate. If it was on Deeside that would make sense because then it could be used for teams and refs who are visiting Saltney.”

Boggy said, ”There’s the small matter of the river, Max.”

I gave him a big smile and grabbed him in an excited way. ”No! I was playing a bit of Spider-Man on the PlayStation and there’s a thing where you go to a big catapult and just hurl yourself across the river! It’s really convenient. Brooke wasn’t keen on that so I said fine, what about a giant drone with a rope and a hook? You clip it onto your belt, the drone lifts off, gently ferries you to the other side of the Dee.”

Coxy said, ”Does that exist?”

I shrugged. ”Don’t know. How hard can it be? Brooke promised to look into it.”

J said, ”Why don’t you put a little bridge across? That’s where the offices we just bought are, isn’t it? We were looking at a map thinking yeah buying property there sort of makes sense geographically but not logistically, what this needs is a bridge.”

I scratched my head. ”A bridge? You think people would prefer that to a giant drone? I mean... Hey, you know, it’s an idea, that. Why didn’t I think of that? I’m gonna check it out. We can call it the J Bridge in honour of its inventor.” We walked a few steps, then I stopped. ”What if the bridge could be lifted by drones? We could move it up and down the river wherever it was needed.” I rubbed my lips. ”We’ll need an app.”

J laughed. ”Why do I get the feeling you’re poking fun at me?”

”Me? Never.”

Coxy said, ”What do you make of the summer’s media attention? We have been a pretty big story, for good and bad.”

I paused. ”Is that smoke? In the city centre?”

I could have sworn the guys got shifty, but why? Boggy said, ”Could be a small fire, maybe? Or just a barbecue? It’s a lovely day for it.”

”Hmm,” I said, walking ahead again. There were a few small-sided matches going on, but Bumpers was emptier than on a normal Friday. Barbecues was a good explanation. ”I had a few lazy mornings reading the articles about our promotion, but most of them said the same things, the things I obviously already knew or knew better. What I personally wanted was more stuff focused on the fan experience. I kind of... How can I say this? I wanted to know what it was like for you. I was in the eye of the storm, wasn’t I, and it was calm in there.”

Boggy said, ”You didn’t have any doubts?”

”About the final? No. I know you were a nervous wreck, Boggy, but how did you feel after?”

”Oh, it was delirium, Max. If you could bottle it up and sell it, you’d be, well, you’d be even richer than you are.”

I laughed. ”Hey, I’m just grinding so I can afford tickets to Arsenal and Tottenham games.”

J said, ”I had the biggest hangover of my life, woke up, had texts from all sorts of people I barely know inviting me to the next party. It was amazing but do you know when it really sunk in? The day before the fixtures were announced. I was in a newsagents round where I live. The guy there, Amir, he knows I’m a big Blue and he was grinning, excited. Fixtures out tomorrow, J! And I was like, yeah, we’re gonna see our names next to all the big clubs. I got, like, proud, you know.” His eyes shimmered.

”For me,” said Coxy, ”it was the season ticket. Got a text from the club, we’re going to renew your season ticket, if you don’t want it please cancel before such-and-such a date or get in touch with us if you need to change your payment plan. The usual, right? Except the price was down! I couldn’t believe it.”

I tilted my head. ”There are fewer games in the Prem.”

”I know but it was like... We got promoted... to the Premier League... and you didn’t jack the price up. Who does that? I think that was the moment I got the most proud. I got emotional reading the message and thought, we do it different. We’re built different. Differently,” he added, quieter.

I went to an air-source heat pump and gave it a friendly pat. ”Gammons like to do performative rage about the solar panels and the heat pumps and me buying office space but they don’t have a plan for what they would do instead. Buy another left back? Which one? Why him? They would burn our money faster than they burned the planet. If I’m allowed to stay as director of football I can guarantee we will have the lowest ticket prices in the Prem. It won’t be long until we’re the cheapest in the top four tiers.”

”I bought a new away kit,” said Boggy. ”I bought last year’s one, but this time...” He tapped his upper arm.

”The Premier League logo?” I said. I gritted my teeth. ”I didn’t want to do a whole production run just because of that, but Brooke insisted. She said it wasn’t about making more money, though she wasn’t opposed to that, it’s about giving fans the chance to have a memento. It’ll be an all-time collector’s item, she said.” A ball came rolling towards us, and a twelve-year-old came scurrying off the pitch to get it. He grinned at me, picked up the ball, hesitated, and turned away. The Premier League logo on his sleeve shone, glimmered in the sunlight. It would never again be that clean, that pristine. ”Carl,” I called out. He turned. I held out my left hand. ”You’re supposed to be hugging the touchline, aren’t you?”

”Yeah, but I’m not getting the ball!”

”I know but you’ve got a job to do, don’t you? If your coach doesn’t spot what’s gone wrong, I’ll talk to him, but if you’re wandering around he’ll think you’re wrecking his plan, so how am I supposed to make the point?”

”Yeah, okay.” He jogged away, Morale two levels higher, the talented little shit.

J said, ”Fuck me, Max, how can you see that?”

I blinked and pointed. ”It’s obvious!”

Boggy said, ”Did you go to the Premier League’s meeting?”

”No, I didn’t have time. MD went instead and texted me what they were voting on. It was nothing seismic. They’re worried the TV deals have peaked so they want to expand the trials of Premflix and all that. I told MD to table a motion to end relegation now that we’re at the top. He didn’t reply. Probably too busy using the word quorum.”

”I very much doubt anyone else in that room can sweep their gaze across five football pitches and diagnose five tactical problems.”

”Mate,” I said. ”There are way more than five tactical problems here! Ha. But yeah, you’re right. MD was by far the most knowledgeable about football in the entire room. It’s just a shame we weren’t more prepared for the meeting because everything happened so suddenly because we have spent the summer scrambling to get ready. Everyone says it’s ten times harder to get promoted via the playoffs.”

Boggy got a reverential tone in his voice as he said, ”How was it for you, Max? The final? Really?”

I took my time before answering. ”I mean... it was pretty weird because in a way it represented a pretty big failure.”

”What?” said J.

”I calculated that we would go up next season. If you get on a six-hour flight and it only takes 20 minutes, you’re happy to be early but something has gone very wrong somewhere, right?”

J shook his head. ”You are such a strange person.”

I spread my hands. ”What’s strange about that? It’s my job to make accurate calculations and I got it horribly, horribly wrong.”

Boggy said, ”Maybe you’ll be wrong again this season and we’ll be more competitive faster.”

”True,” I said, diplomatically. My phone vibrated. ”All right, look, I need to get my stuff and get to Sealbiscuit 2. Got a big match tomorrow. Listen, I just want to say thanks for all you guys do for the club and the fans. You keep them informed, you give them a voice, it’s great and it’s needed.”

I gave each guy a hearty handshake and mentally detached from the scene.

Time to get my game face on.

***

Sealbiscuit 2 was waiting, gleaming. It was pretty much the same as the original but slightly improved in dozens of small ways. As I strode to the front, past the last of the kit bags that were being loaded into the belly of the beast, I spotted Brooke and the three fan reps having a chat.

”Max, can we talk?”

”Sure thang.”

”If you don’t object, I’m going to put these gentlemen on Seal 2 for you to drop them off at a fan event in town. It’ll be a little bit more good PR. We’ve calculated the time and it’ll only add a few minutes. Does that work for you?”

”You know me, Brooke. I’ll do anything for PR!”

We eyed each other. J said, ”What’s happening?”

Brooke explained. ”Max is trying to think of something that begins with the letters P and R to make a joke.”

Coxy said, ”He’ll do anything for a pretty redhead.”

Brooke tipped her head back. ”We have a winner!”

”This is outrageous,” I declared, before flouncing onto the bus. It’s hard to flounce upwards but I managed it.

The driver closed the doors and Seal 2 lifted with a pleasing hiss. The three fans hovered at the front. Boggy had traveled with the team many times so being so close to the players wasn’t so strange for him, but for J and Coxy this was new and exciting. Grown men turned into little boys; that’s the power of football.

We pulled away, smoothly, and I let my hands run around the moulded armrests, fidgeted with the embedded TV screen, angled the air conditioner until I was happy with the flow of cool air. ”Nice,” I said. ”This is peak.”

The bus ambled along, went round Fountains Roundabout. There was a cheer from the lads behind me. A fresh poster had been put up on our billboard. It showed half a dozen Chester players standing in a dramatic mist, arms folded, looking stern and serious, with the words, ’YOU UP?’

We went smoothly through town, surprisingly so, and I became aware that something strange was happening. There were police cars blocking parts of the road. Guys on walkie talkies, a few crash barriers. Then we turned and the street was lined with Chester fans. Thousands and thousands, cheering, chanting. They were hanging from lamp posts, standing on bus shelters. Many had lit flares, blue or white. We slowed to a crawl in the middle of the scene. I stood and checked behind me - the squad was fucking loving it!

Sandra said, ”It’s like a cup final!”

J came to shake my hand again. ”Max, we’re hopping off now.”

”Who arranged this?” I said, amazed. The police, the club, the council, the fans. Organising this kind of thing was normally an ordeal.

”We did,” he said. ”We wanted to give you a good send-off, let you know what you mean to us.”

”Jesus,” I said, and I realised I was starting to have an out-of-body experience. Pins and needles all over my body, nostrils flaring, fists clenching.

The bus stopped, and Boggy stepped off and into the street. The crowd went nuts. ”Boggy Boggy Boggy! Oi Oi Oi!”

Coxy was next, but he didn’t have the same brand recognition. When J followed, the crowd roared again. That was nothing compared to when I poked my head out. ”Best! Best will tear you apart! Again! Max Best’s blue-and-white army!”

J looked up at me, grinning, shaking his head. ”I think I see what you mean! It doesn’t get any better than this! This is the peak!”

Right then and there, I could have taken on Arsenal on my own. Arsenal, City, whoever. Line ’em up so I can knock ’em down. I gritted my teeth and growled, ”Mate, I haven’t even begun to peak!” I punched the air and yelled at Chester, ”COME ON!”

Chester yelled back.