Soccer Supremo - A Sports Progression Fantasy

7.

You awaken in a darkened room.

>LOOK

Shadow sits on shadow. Sinister shapes seem near, then far.

The room is dark.

>GET LAMP

There is no lamp here.

The room is dark.

>BANG WIFE

Emma is not here.

>YELL FOR EMMA

There is a distant reply.

The room is dark.

>GET PHONE

You scrabble around for your phone. It is not where you left it. Perhaps you had one of your screamy dreams and knocked it to the floor.

>RUMMAGE ON FLOOR

Your fingertips scrape across the carpet around the bed. You do not find a phone. Add 30 Germ Points.

>WAIL

There is a distant reply.

The room is dark.

>OPEN CURTAINS

You wriggle across the bed, plant your feet, and reach out. Your fingertips touch soft, thick fabric. Add 5 Germ Points.

You pull the curtains a few inches to the side.

Light fills the room.

You are in the bedroom you share with your wife, Emma. Weird girl stuff lies across the floor underneath the windowsill. You spot your phone plugged in on her side of the bed. It is one of the many wonderful things she does for you.

It has been 4 DAYS since you surprised Emma with a poem or an unexpected gift.

It has been 6 HOURS since you washed your hands. Germs are beginning to colonise your skin.

>EAT GERMS

You go downstairs into the kitchen.

Emma is on a barstool, studying a PRINTED CONTRACT. An electronic version is on an iPad. She is making edit suggestions.

The kitchen is bright, and for a moment your eyes sting.

There are three JUGS by the sink. One jug has a capacity of 8 litres, one has a capacity of 5 litres, one has a capacity of 3 litres. The 8-litre jug is full. A note informs you that filling two jugs with exactly 4 litres will result in you receiving a special item of inventory.

>BANG EMMA

You approach Emma from behind, slip your arms around her waist, take the document from her hand and mumble, ’Are you applying for a loan? Because you’ve got my interest. Bosh! Let’s go.’

She plucks the document from your hand and puts it back where it was. ’You gave up pork, remember?’

>LOAD SAVE GAME FROM BEFORE I SAID THAT

You cannot do that now.

Emma turns a page and swipes on the iPad. ’You’ve spent a lot of money, babes. About a hundred million pounds. It’s actually quite sexy.’ Before you can type anything, her lips twist. ’Not quite sexy enough. Why don’t you take a shower? You’ve got a busy day.’

>CHECK CALENDAR

It is Saturday July 29th.

Today is the start of the 2028/2029 season in the English Football League and National League.

You are due to attend the grand opening of West Didsbury and Chorlton’s stadium at Brookburn Road in South Manchester. You sold the stadium naming rights to a law firm called The Wall, which is run by your wife’s best friend, who you pretend to not find intoxicatingly attractive. The Wall Stadium is the culmination of over 5 years of your hard work. For your many hours of grinding, for driving the club forward with your skills and vision while keeping its culture mostly intact, you will be honoured, lauded, and given your flowers. Songs will be sung in your name.

>SKIP DAY

You cannot do that now.

>INVITE EMMA INTO SHOWER

Emma gets a wicked look on her face and pushes you up the stairs. In the bathroom, she slaps you on the arse, throws a towel over you, and closes the door. You hear her humming jauntily as she goes down the stairs.

Water smashes onto you. Lose 130 Germ Points.

>COMPOSE POEM FOR EMMA

This shower gel is nice

I got it half price

Always press eject

On your peripheral device

Do you wish to save this poem?

>YES

You get dressed, rush downstairs, and yell your creation.

Emma is pleased.

You earn 20 Relationship Points.

She stretches her fingers one by one as she lists your tasks for the day. ’You’re gonna train here, go to Manchester, watch the game, smile and pose for photos, try not to sack anyone, pop in to see your mum, then we’re going to have hipster dinner served by a guy who travels to work on an electric unicycle. Shame Gemma can’t come, but she’s supporting Andrew Harrison as he makes his debut for Stoke City. She said she might join us later depending on what time Andrew gets out and how bad the traffic is and so on.’

>LIE TO WIFE

’I’ve got a hard few days so we will probably have to leave before she gets there. What a shame.’

’Yeah,’ says Emma, who begins listing things on her fingers again. ’You’ve got Chester’s last friendly, then you want to go to Poland early with Bertie and Dan. That’s actually sweet of you. Oh! Do you remember that Polish guy who runs a YouTube channel about UEFA coefficients? Of course you do, you love that stuff, you big weirdo. Briggy asked if you would do another interview with him.’

>TELL EMMA THAT BRIGGY IS TRYING TO SEDUCE THE GUY’S WIFE

’Haha, you’re so funny. You should do some interviews, babes. You have barely spoken to anyone since Chester got promoted. Remember you said, like, you were going to make more of an effort to stay in touch with the fans and tell them what’s going on. You’ve spent a hundred million quid of their money and they’re ecstatic about it but it’s fair to, you know, tell them why you’ve done what you’ve done. Don’t you think?’

>TELL EMMA NO REALLY BRIGGY IS SHAMELESSLY USING ME TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THIS WOMAN IN POZNAN IT’S HONESTLY A SCANDAL

You cannot do that now.

Emma’s attention is back on the paperwork. ’Mmm,’ she says. ’Don’t train too hard, yeah? Save some energy for tonight.’ She smiles, wickedly.

>THUMP MY CHEST LIKE A GORILLA

Emma eyes you. ’Gosh,’ she says. ’I quite liked that. Maybe we’ll do Tarzan and Jane.’

>ASK IF I CAN BE TARZAN THIS TIME

’We’ll see.’

***

>GO WEST

National League match 1 of 46: West Didsbury and Chorlton AFC versus Boreham Wood

You arrive in South Manchester feeling lethargic. Everyone will want to talk to you. Everyone will want a selfie.

Do you wish to spend 50 INTROVERT POINTS to buy 20 EXTROVERT POINTS?

>YES

Randomising events…

Adding modifiers…

Success!

You are charming and funny. You tour the stadium, admiring the greenhouses that wrap around the outside like a horticultural hug. The plants are young and small but they will grow. There is nothing like this in English football. Even some of the local residents who opposed the project have been won over. The displaced West fans have returned in spades; there will be over 4,000 in attendance for the first game of the new era.

You bask in the magnificence of your achievement.

Before kickoff, Mr. Yalley gives a speech.

’When I came to this country, I was amazed that there were two taps. One for hot water, one for cold. What craziness is this? And I was amazed that there were two football stadiums in Manchester. Only two! In all of Manchester! Max Best was born not so far from this spot, and because of Max, there is a third stadium in Manchester. Seeing The Wall makes me very proud. I want to thank everyone who made it possible. Gemma, the investors, the volunteers, and of course, Max Best.’

He hands the microphone to you. Choose the tone of your speech.

>MAGNANIMOUS

As you bring the microphone to your mouth, the away fans boo.

>THREATEN TO BATTER THE DIPSHITS

You tense up, clenching your fist, ready to lash out verbally and physically, but Mr. Yalley is smiling at you. He believes in the best version of Max Best. Choose the tone of your speech.

>EARNEST

[Maturity check failed!]

[Your tone has been set to: Earnest Laced With Petulance.]

’Boreham Wood are booing me. That’s great. Just what the billionaires ordered. Guys, this is what the Football Association wants. They want us sniping and bickering, they want us divided. They blab about supporting grassroots football but what have they actually done? You can see what I’ve done with your own eyes. Look around. Look at this pitch. This is a Premier League-quality pitch in the National League. All the kids here, the women’s teams, they’ll train on this. It’s like playing on a snooker table. Think of the tekkers I could do on this surface, holy shit.

’Now think about this. When Boreham Wood are struggling, when you need a helping hand, who’s gonna help? The FA? Get real. They’re busy ironing their blazers before their latest 7-course lunch. The Premier League? Jesus Christ, no-one in the Premier League even knows where you play! They think you’re that place from Macbeth!

’But there’s one guy at the top of the sport who does know where you play. I scored against you home and away, didn’t I? Tell me one other guy at the top of English football who can say that. You’re booing me now but when the shit hits the fan and it looks like you’re about to lose your club, I’ll be the only guy in the top four leagues who GIVES a fuck.’

The West fans burst into chants of ’Best! Best! Best!’

The away fans applaud.

’I had a speech written. Fuck it. HERE’S my speech: Oh Manchester! Is wonderful!’

The West fans join in, and it’s the first deafening chant in the new stadium. Any louder and it will disturb the bats. ’Oh Manchester is wonderful! It’s got chips, pies, and West Didsbury! Oh Manchester is wonderful! West! West! West!’

You yell one last thing down the microphone:

>COME ON!!

***

The game kicks off.

>CHECK MATCH OVERVIEW

West average CA: 72.2

Boreham Wood average CA: 66

Notable players: Chas Fungrieve, CA 83. Aff, CA 72. Michael Harrison, CA 61, John Windmill, CA 81.

Number of Exit Triallists in the matchday squad: 7.

Your analysis: West will dominate the ball, but will struggle to break down the away team’s low block. Most of the good action will come in the second half once West get their noses in front and the away team have to come out of their shell. The atmosphere will be great but the actual football will be sub-par.

Do you want to run across the pitch naked?

>ASK ME LATER

***

West win 2-0.

Congratulations.

***

You awaken in a darkened room.

>CHECK DATE

It is Sunday July 30th.

>GO NORTH

Pre-Season Friendly 6 of 6: Everton versus Chester

You arrive at Goodison Park, former home of Everton FC, now home to their women’s team. Ryan Jack, Chester’s loans manager, has helped to organise this. He is being 25% more Scouse than usual, but strangely, you quite like it.

You have named 15-year-old Steven Watson (PA 146) on the subs’ bench. His father can be spotted from a mile away - he is the one glowing with pride.

Sandra Lane is currently in charge of the Chester team. Do you wish to take over?

>NO

Sandra gives the pre-match team talk. The team is set up in a 4-5-1 shape with an average CA of 141.5. Helge Hagen is back from his holiday; he’s starting at right back. Wibbers is on the bench. His Morale fell when he saw he wasn’t going to start. You decide to talk to him.

>CALL HIM A BABY

’I just want to play!’ he says.

’We don’t have enough players to do a coherent lineup except this one.’

’Whose fault is that?’ says Wibbers.

’Yours,’ you say, jabbing him in the chest. ’If you hadn’t scored so many goals last season, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Are you gonna take some responsibility or what?’

He grins. ’Fine. I take responsibility for you loaning out nine first-team players.’

’Yeah, good,’ you say. ’Glad we got that sorted.’

’I’ll play the second half, though?’

’Yeah. We’ll do another half an hour pretty seriously but you’ve seen our bench so obvs when we start making lots of subs it’s gonna be more like an exhibition match, so at that point it’s about taking care of the young lads, do you get me?’

’You’re not going to use Steven Watson, are you?’

’Course not. That would be insane.’

’Oh my God, I knew it!’

You lean closer. ’He’s a Scouser. Half his family are big Blues, right? How many players of Steven’s generation will be able to say they played at Goodison Park? None, because it’s for the women’s team. But Steven will be able to say he played there. Do you get me? I’m being wonderful. Making dreams come true. All right? Am I allowed to be wonderful and make dreams come true? His dad put a lot of trust in me when I was a weird rando and now I start to repay that trust in typical spectacular Max Best fashion. Is that okay with you, William, mate?’

He sighs and crushes his temples with his fists. He laughs, once. ’Yes, boss. You have my permission.’ He glances at you, then looks away. ’I just wish we were better prepared for the season.’

Choose the tone of your response.

>HONEST

’Yeah, that’s fair, but we didn’t win automatic promotion, did we? We got up in the playoffs, so that’s two or three weeks where we can’t make preparations for the Prem. I mean, actually in that time I signed three top players so I did pretty well. And okay it’s not ideal timing that I had the wedding and the honeymoon but again, I got loads done. I really don’t think I could have done more. Unless you’d want me to bin off the women’s team?’

’No.’

’Should I have made Helge stay here?’

’No, he needed a break.’

’Should I force through the signing of Ruud so that he’s here for a pre-season friendly?’

’No because he’s playing serious games and that’s better.’ He gets a cheeky smile. ’Plus when he comes, it’s even less minutes for me. It’s just there’s a lot of players out. A lot.’

’In our situation, I don’t think there’s any way we could be prepared for what’s coming. Not really. So I’ve done it the way I’ve always done it. You’ve seen it before, right? We start shit, get good. This time, the women’s team will start great and get better. They’ll keep our spirits high.’

Wibbers gains plus one Morale.

Wibbers frowns, then his face lights up. ’Wait! Is that why we’re playing at Goodison just before Everton women? That’s why you wanted a double-header. You want to scout one of Everton’s players! Oh my God you’ve got some neck on you, going on about doing this for Steven Watson. You’re scouting!’

Choose the tone of your reply.

>CONFUSED

’Scouting?’ you say. ’What’s that?’

’I knew it! Rarrrr! I’m gonna text Sarah and see if she can guess who it is you want.’

***

It is half time.

>GO INSIDE

You head down the tunnel. There are two doorways leading to dressing rooms. There are guards by either door. One always tells the truth, one always lies. You may ask one guard one question. Input your question now.

>DO YOU WANT TO GO HOME IN AN AMBULANCE?

The guard steps aside.

You are in the Everton dressing room.

’Ey up!’ says Everton’s assistant coach. ’Max Best is lost.’

Their manager, a grim Scotsman with the aspect of a necromancer, looks up and frowns. If you take too long, he will curse you and your family until the seventh generation.

Choose the tone of your speech.

>FUNNY BUT DEADLY SERIOUS

’Lads,’ you say. ’Quick chat, won’t take long. I’m gonna be throwing on some kids near the end, including a tiny one about this big. Score as many goals as you want but if any of you fucking big shots thinks it’s funny to put in a hard tackle, to let them know what the Prem’s all about or some bullshit, I will end your fucking career when we play you for real. You got that? I’m gonna get sacked soon and then I’m gonna retire to the Seychelles, so what the fuck difference will it make to me if I get a lifetime ban for snapping your fucking leg off?’ You smile, sweetly. ’Enjoy the game, lads. I know I will.’

***

It is the 82nd minute. Chester are losing 3-0. It would be stupid to send Steven Watson onto the pitch.

>SEND STEVEN WATSON ONTO THE PITCH.

Sandra Lane falls to her haunches, exasperated. She takes a moment, then rises, claps, and says, ’Let’s go, Stevey Boy!’

***

Everton complete a 5-0 win. The pitch is cleared and two new sets of players emerge.

Everton’s women are playing Glasgow Celtic.

You prise yourself out of the arms of Mr. Watson and take a position in the executive suite next to Everton’s director of football.

>SCOUT LAMPARD

Poppy Lampard

Age 23. English.

CA 114. PA minus 2.

Defender (left, centre back).

Future: Is very pleased with her new contract. Proud to be playing for Everton.

Everton’s director of football says, ’So what do you think about Lamps?’

>EXUDE DOUBT

’I don’t know,’ you say. ’I like her but she’s not perfect. I was hoping for perfect, if you get me.’ You play with your lips for a while. ’I’d like a centre back who can play left back just to give the squad a little more tactical flexibility. Lamps is a left-footer, so that’s a plus for the team’s balance. The reports I’ve had tell me she’s sound. Good team player, good in the dressing room. I would like to buy her but then I feel like I’d need to sign another defender and money’s getting tight.’ If only you knew how good she would one day be! You sigh, theatrically. ’How much would you sell her for?’

The DoF grins. ’She’s not for sale!’

’Jesus Christ, bro. I need to get to the airport after this. Fuck it, look, I’ll give you four hundred thousand for a quick deal. Maybe I can pick up someone with more experience on a free transfer.’

’You can have Lamps for a million.’

>FLOUNCE

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on NovelFire. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

You point to your left. ’I’m gonna go and sit over there. Nothing personal.’

’She’s a gem! She’s a leftie, like you said, good on the ball, tactically astute, and she has something your team needs - WSL experience. She’s top class. We think she’ll be a mainstay for the England team.’

’Right but a million is a pisstake. It’s the rudest thing anyone has said to me this year, and I just spent a couple of days in Holland.’

He shrugs. ’We just signed a brand-new contract with Lamps and we don’t need to sell. I don’t know why you think we’d give our crown jewels away.’

>FLOUNCE SADLY

’All right,’ you say, as you get to your feet. ’But next time we’re here, my forwards are going to destroy her and make her look shit. You’re going to have to explain to your bosses why you turned down a 450,000 pound bid for someone who isn’t ready for this level.’ You shake your head and sigh. ’Ah, well.’

***

>GO EAST

You fly to Poland with Dan Badford and Engelbert Kornek. Briggy meets you at the airport. The youngsters rush off to have adventures and to spend time with Bertie’s family in Opole, which is not far from where Tuesday night’s match will be played.

Briggy takes you to a coffee shop and says, ’I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?’

>BAD NEWS

She sips her coffee and steels herself. ’I’m tracking certain employees of Temps Perdu. You know, so I can find the right time to ask if they will sell their shares. There has been a lot of chatter in the last few days about one of their trials. Long story short, one of their product lines has failed. It is grim reading. I would have thought companies like this are used to such failures but this one seems to be shattering. I suppose it’s good news in that a lot more shares will be available at a lower price, but personally I wouldn’t be rushing to invest. What do you want to do?’

>REVIEW STORYLINE

Old Nick, the demon who gave you the curse, said that if you want to help your mother, you should buy Temps Perdu, a small, cutting-edge medical company based in Tempsford, Bedfordshire, between Oxford and Cambridge. Through your shell companies, you control 1.39% of the shares, which is not enough to push your mother to the front of the queue for treatment.

You are not sure if you believe Old Nick. A big part of you thinks that this entire quest has been created in order to keep you grinding for experience points. What else would you expect from a demon?

You have reserved some of your cash to buy more tranches of shares as they become available.

>CHECK FINANCES

Bank balance: 1.78m

LIT (Maxterplanalytics UK) balance: 2.89m (plus 900,000 in mini-bonds tied up in the West Didsbury stadium)

Maxterplanalytics Gibraltar: 1.56m

Property Assets: Best Chestern Hotel; Big Mama House; Double Charge Car Park (Saltney). Estimated equity: 1.2m

>CHECK UEFA PRIZE MONEY FOR REACHING GROUP STAGE OF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

Clubs reaching the league stage are awarded 18.6 million pounds.

>TELL BRIGGY TO BUY BUY BUY

’Okay,’ she says. ’And now the good news. If you agree to do another interview with Przemek, the UEFA Coefficients guy, he’ll come to Wroclaw tomorrow. We can use a studio. Very professional setup, gorgeous receptionists, and you’ll be able to talk numbers.’

’Is his wife coming, too? What’s her name? Kasia?’

Briggy keeps her face blank. ’Kasia will come, yes. I suggested we might go for a walk together while you’re doing the interview.’

’This is annoying, Briggy! How am I supposed to keep a straight face talking to this guy while you’re making moves on his wife? It’s bonkers!’

She tuts. ’I’m not going to make a move on his wife, Max. Come on.’ She looks away. ’If she makes a move on me, that’s a different story. Will you do it? It would mean a lot to me.’

Briggy is offering 80 Relationship Points for successful completion of this quest.

>ACCEPT QUEST

’Thanks, Max.’

’Is there any news about the referee conspiracy?’

’Not yet but I haven’t forgotten, I promise. If there’s anything there, I’ll find it.’

***

You awaken in a darkened room.

>CHECK DATE

It is Monday July 31st.

>GO LIVE

Briggy takes you to a recording studio, where you sit facing Przemek, a fit, middle-aged man with a receding hairline. He adjusts his fashionable glasses as he waves goodbye to his wife, Kasia, the media manager from Lech Poznan.

’Hello and welcome to my latest video. My name is Przemek and with me is Max Best from Saltney Town in Wales. He is also the player-manager of Chester FC, which is now in the Premier League. Amazing! Hello, Max.’

’Czesc.’

’Last time we spoke, you had just beaten Lech Poznan and ruined my coefficient forecasts. Tomorrow you are playing the Polish champions, Raków Częstochowa.’

>BE HUMBLE

’Yeah,’ you say. ’Soz very much but I’m gonna have to smash them up.’

’Oh dear.’

’Yeah I got within 20 minutes of the Champions League last time. This time there can be no mistakes. Hey, but if any Polish fans living in the UK are watching this, get down to The Racecourse in Wrexham next week. Obviously we’re gonna knock a Polish team out but we’ll do it with such style you won’t mind. Also, we’ve got the future of Polish football playing for us. Engelbert Kornek. Remember the name. Bertie. Bertiegol. He gives oppo goalies Bertigo. Wow, that’s terrible, cut that.’

’I would like to know about your tactics. It seems that you are copying Pep Guardiola’s 3-2 defence. Is that fair to say?’

>BE HUMBLE

[Humility check failed!]

’What I would say to that, Przemek, is that if someone explains my tactics to you and you understand them, the explanation was wrong. Right, let’s talk coefficients. Two questions! How long will it be until Saltney overtakes every Polish team in the club rankings, and where will Gibraltar get to if my predictions about this week’s results are right. I hope you warmed up your spreadsheet!’

***

You awaken in a darkened room.

>CHECK DATE

It is Tuesday August 1st.

>GO EAST

MD has traveled to Poland and takes you for lunch. ’A few questions, if you don’t mind. One. Did anything ever come of that trip to Ajax?’

’Kind of. There were plenty of good players. I asked to speak to one kid who is really, really talented and almost the first thing he said to me was, ’I’ve got 450,000 followers on Instagram’. I mean, okay, great job with that. He’s more the Real Madrid type than the Max Best type.’

’I don’t know how to respond to that. What’s the latest with Ruud Berkenbosch, the undercooked striker?’

’We’re close to total agreement, as these aggregator fuckwits like to say, on the terms. Half a million agent’s fee for Don Pino. He’s turning up the temperature of the water.’

’Boiling you like a frog?’

’Yeah. But the overall package is fine. Ruud will get 48,000 a week, same as Cheb. Relegation release clause, 50 million.’

’Will anyone pay that?’

’Yes.’

’What about Poppy Lampard?’

’I like her but Everton are taking the piss. I can get the best defenders in Europe for that sort of money.’

’Why don’t you drop some hints to that effect? Tell your friend at the Daily Mail you’re close to a deal for, I don’t know, Wendie Renard.’

’I don’t have any friends at the Daily Mail. But that’s a good idea.’

MD grins. ’The first time you said you wanted to get Lamps, I thought about the old interactive fiction games.’

>FEIGN INTEREST

’I know about that,’ you say. ’It’s where an author releases a chapter once or twice a week and if you say you don’t like one of his concepts, the author bursts into tears.’

’I don’t mean web serials!’ MD makes expressive gestures as he speaks. ’Text adventures. Zork! Spellbreaker! You were dropped into a strange world and all you had was text. No graphics, just your imagination. You had to type commands to try to do things. Get lamp. Poke goblin with stick. You don’t have a stick. Get stick. There is no stick here. Hit tree. The tree drops a stick. Hit goblin with stick. The goblin left while you were attacking the tree. Great fun!’

>EXPRESS SYMPATHY FOR MD

He rolls his eyes. ’It was great fun, Max. I feel sorry for you that you never got to experience it. Ah, I remember poor Floyd in Planetfall. The first time a computer game made people cry. They did academic studies about it.’

>DEMONSTRATE ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

’Mate,’ you say. ’I don’t want to make people cry.’ You point towards the stadium. ’Except these Polish guys, because they’re in my way. Okay, that was pretty terrible. It sounded better in my head.’

’By the way. Don’t forget to sign the contract!’

***

Champions League Third Qualifying Round, First Leg: Raków versus Saltney Town

After doing some research about interactive fiction in your hotel room, you arrive at the Raków Municipal Stadium. It has a capacity of 5,500, and the terraces are roofless. Why is this place allowed to host third round qualifiers but Saltney Town is not? At least the pitch is in good condition.

Llewellyn Kendrick is currently in charge of the Saltney team. Do you wish to take over?

>YES

>CHECK MATCH OVERVIEW

Raków formation: 5-2-3

Raków average CA: 119.4

Saltney formation: 4-5-1

Saltney Town average CA: 118.6

Notable changes from last match: OUT: Tony Herbert; Edgar Wilde; Colin Beckton. IN: Omari Naysmith; Ludo Peeters; Tom Westwood

Your analysis: The Polish team want to give up the midfield, flood the defensive zones, and keep three forwards. You have countered that by picking a youthful, energetic lineup that will keep the ball for long periods and frustrate the home fans. Tom Westwood will work hard as the out-ball option and he will draw free kicks. When we score the first goal, the ease with which we are retaining the ball will force the oppo’s manager to become more adventurous. He will learn what many gamers have learned; that with adventure comes peril.

Do you wish to make changes?

>NO

>SKIP 30 MINUTES

Magnus is playing left back. Ahead of him, Davey Barnes has a match rating of 7 out of 10. On the other flank, Dumi Demetrescu and Omari Naysmith are keeping the oppo quiet. Omari’s match rating is only 6 out of 10 because he doesn’t feel too comfortable on the edge of the pitch, but he is sticking to his defensive duties very well and you are allowing him to take some free kicks as a treat.

With no danger coming from the sides of the pitch, you are quietly bossing the game from a free role in the middle.

As a DM, you combine with Henry Dunston and Peter to move the ball through the initial press. Then you move into the CAM slot to create a triangle point ahead of Dan and Ludo.

You are really very clever. Gain 10 Hubris Points.

Warning! You are in the Hubris red zone.

>BE LESS COCKY

[Command not accepted.]

Ludo plays a forward pass for Tom to chase.

Tom is fouled.

The free kick is to the right of goal.

Omari could float a free kick to the far post, or you could shoot.

>ME ME ME

As you place the ball, a chill wind blows through you. The flares of the home team’s ultras tumble, curl, and rise, leaving tendrils of pure dread around them. Two words pass through your mind: Sentinel; the.

>SCORE GOAL WITH BALL

You eye the wall and the position of the goalkeeper. He is very good, but you have studied the footage and have found a flaw in his technique; like all goalies he plants his feet before jumping. If you can confound him with the timing of your kick, he will lose a valuable fraction of a second and might be unable to reach your shot.

Press any key to continue.

>WHERE’S THE ’ANY’ KEY, LOL

You time the shot perfectly, but don’t catch the ball as you would have hoped. It flies over the wall and curls, but it’s far too central.

The goalie jumps, gets a big meaty claw to it...

But can’t keep it from crossing the goal line.

You have scored! Add 1 Outrageous Fortune Point.

Choose your celebration.

>RUN TO THE NEAREST TV CAMERA AND SHOW OFF MY EIGHT-PACK

You cannot do that.

You run towards the nearest TV camera.

>SHOW OFF MY SEVEN-PACK

You cannot do that.

You have two seconds to do something or be the subject of online mockery.

>SHOW ABS

You lift your shirt, revealing your six-pack. Gain 0 Hotness Points.

***

You are in a darkened room.

>FLUSH TOILET

You wash your hands, leave the bathroom, and enter the dressing room.

Your rival manager is making changes.

>CHECK NEW TACTICS

He is going from 5-2-3 to 3-4-3. It’s a minor shift in tactical terms, but hints at a realisation that he has got his strategy wrong. He has set his team’s mentality to ’attacking’.

>MAKE SUBS

>CHANGE FORMATION

>BEGIN HALF-TIME SPEECH

What is your favourite movie?

>GET LAMP

You stride to the front of the dressing room. ’All right, lads, shut the fuck up. Tony, Edgar, and Colin, you’re coming on so listen very carefully. My favourite movie is Get Lamp, a documentary about interactive fiction, also known as text adventures. It tells the story of an art form that was dead by 1989, and it comes with an implicit message - do not attempt to bring it back, not even as an homage, no matter how daring that might seem one night after a bottle of red and a plate of cheese.’

Dumi says, ’You know what else died in 1989? Communism.’

>SHUT HIM UP FAST

’Dumi, keep a clean sheet and you can tell everyone about Communism on the plane ride home.’

’Really?’

’Yeah, knock yourself out. I’m flying to Milan.’ The dressing room erupts into jeers and banter. ’Top,’ you say. ’There are goals to be had this half, lads, but we don’t need to try to win this whole tie in the first leg. If the chances come, let it happen, but we don’t need to force it. Okay, let’s, er...’

>USE EMERGENCY PUN

You have no emergency puns in your inventory.

You scratch your head. ’Let’s go north, go forth, and multiply our score.’ Your head drops. ’Wow.’

***

Deploying your strongest eleven lifts your average CA to 131.5, and with Tony Herbert and Edgar Wilde on the pitch, you can easily repel attacks, but the home team are stubborn, determined, and working hard. If you get sloppy, they will punish you.

>STICK TO THE PLAN

The tactics are good but the game is tedious.

Time passes.

You are getting bored.

You are getting itchy.

You want to charge something.

>BE STAUNCH

There are ten minutes to go.

>SUMMON TOCKERS AND BERTIE

The young Polish striker gets a warm reception as he jogs onto the pitch. He stands near Colin. Two good strikers, but not much creativity behind them.

>THE POLES DON’T KNOW THAT

The ball breaks in midfield. You gobble up fifteen yards in the blink of an eye. Colin is making a straight run. Bertie is veering left. Which way will you pass?

>LEFT

Bertie chases the ball and crashes a shot just wide. That was close!

Bertie covers his face. He would have enjoyed that!

>GIVE HIM A THUMBS UP

He nods and retakes his position.

Time passes.

A hopeful long punt goes towards your penalty area. Tony Herbert leaves it for Peter Bauer, who is leaving it for Tony.

A rare moment of confusion!

The ball drops to a Raków striker. It’s his first half-chance in the entire match. He waits for Snakey to come closer, steadies himself, and shoots.

It’s saved! Snakey shoots out a leg and deflects the ball. Tony Herbert hacks it out of play.

Snakey is swarmed by defenders congratulating him.

>SHOUT AT THE PLAYERS TO GET ON WITH THE FUCKING GAME INSTEAD OF PLAYING PAT-A-CAKE WHAT THE FUCK

You drop into the penalty area to help defend a long throw.

The match ends 1-0.

Choose a player to receive particular attention.

>SNAKEY BOY

Choose an adjective, an animal, an Australian location, and a meteorological event.

[Input received]

You go to your goalkeeper and slap him on the back. ’Great clean sheet! Love the concentration and the calmness. You were as ice-cold as a sugar glider in West Wyalong in a snow-nado.’

Snakey’s Morale rises one level. Gain 500 Aussie Idiom Authenticity Points.

***

You awaken in a room that would be quite a lot darker, ideally.

>CHECK DATE

It is Wednesday August 2nd.

>LIST ACTIVE QUESTS

You have three active quests, but will only have time for two. Choose wisely!

North. Check on Angel as she trains with Inter Milan.South. Gatecrash AC Milan’s training to check out their South Korean player.Everywhere. Flirt with Italian joggers.>GO NORTH

Inter Milan’s women train at the KONAMI Youth Development Centre, a decent but not super-elite facility in a residential zone. The guard doesn’t want to let you in, not when there are unsmoked cigarettes in his pocket.

>BRIBE WITH A MILLE LIRE

You don’t have that in your inventory.

>CLAIM TO BE THE PRINCESS OF ICELAND

That doesn’t work.

>SAY I AM ANGEL’S FATHER

The man’s face lights up. ’Angel! Angel! Yes. You come.’

He leads you to a football pitch and is about to call out when you put your fingers to your lips and say, ’Shh! Surprise!’

He understands, nods, and offers you a cigarette.

>DECLINE GRACIOUSLY IN ALMOST FLUENT ITALIAN

He eyes you warily, shrugs, and leaves.

Angel is doing some drills with her new team. The coaches have high reputations but don’t have the curse numbers to match. The drills are outdated but serviceable. Everything is done in Italian, so she gets things wrong occasionally.

In a break, you go closer.

Angel is more than astonished to see you. ’Max! What the fuck!’ She smiles and hugs you. ’Aren’t you in, where was it, Poland?’

’I’m in Milan. That’s in Italy.’

’Ha, ha! What the hell are you doing here?’

’Checking on you.’

For a second, her face seems to crumple, but the image is so fleeting you’re sure you imagined it. ’No but really.’

’Yes, but really. I’m gonna look at an AC Milan player but I came here first. What, you think I’d just bin you off and forget you?’

She looks away. ’Yeah.’ She looks down. ’No.’

The scene is much more awkward than you expected.

>GET SUPER BRITISH ABOUT IT

’So how’s the weather?’

’Great. Love it.’

’Training looks all right.’

Her eyes dart to her new coaches. ’Yeah, it’s good. I’m finding the language hard. They’re not always patient with me, but, er, I get there in the end. At least now I know how Dani feels.’

’You were always good with Dani. I really liked that about you.’

’You gave my shirt number to Elsa Lund.’

’Yeah.’

’It’s almost a compliment.’

’How’s the competition?’

She turns. ’The other strikers? They’re good. They’re wily, you know. Sly. Touch them and they fall over, buy free kicks. Do you think I should learn that?’

’Ew. Vom. Give it six months and they’ll all be learning from you. That one’s got good technique but no movement or finishing. That other one’s slow and no good in the air. You’ll be queen of all you survey, soon enough. Everything else all right? Apartment? Money? Boys? Holy shit, please tell me you know where to get a good cup of tea.’

’Yeah,’ she says. ’England.’

You laugh hard, and it lifts her spirits. Her Morale spikes to the maximum.

***

>GO SOUTH

You arrive at the Vismara Training Centre in time to see the end of a training session for the AC Milan women’s team.

There is a monumentally pointless dribbling drill, a passing drill that involves passing over the crossbar - your coaches would be reprimanded for suggesting something so stupid - and a neat little ice-breaker in which small teams compete to knock balls off cones by doing tricky half-volleys.

The Italian players are coached in Italian and the rest in English. The coaches are competent but the facilities are amazingly poor. The artificial pitch is too hard, one of the nearby grass pitches would raise eyebrows at National League level, and the goal nets hang limply from the crossbar. You want to go and attach them properly.

>FIGHT THE URGE

The women split into teams and play a match. You become convinced that there is something wrong with the ball. It doesn’t sound right. Maybe you should mention it to someone.

>FIGHT THE URGE

Astonishingly, the player you have come to see doesn’t get a single touch of the ball in the entire 15-minute match. It doesn’t really matter, since you have the power of Super Scout.

Jisook Kim

Age 21. South Korean.

CA 105. PA 179.

Attacking midfielder (central).

Future: Proud to be playing for AC Milan. Wants to be more involved in the first team.

>RUMINATE

Jisook looks like a perfect fit for Chester Women. She’s fast, technical, determined, has good work rate. She is short even by the standards of women’s football and your opinion of her haircut fluctuates with every stride she takes. South Korean stars are a marketing department’s dream; Brooke would salivate over the prospect of signing a genuinely international-class player.

The only downside to buying her is the opportunity cost. At CA 105, Jisook wouldn’t massively improve the side in the short term, although she is 20 points ahead of Saffron Walden, whose negative PA makes her something of an unknown quantity.

You shake your head. Maybe we can return to this player in the future, but this summer we need to make statement signings like Macca Serra, CA 161.

>RUMINATE MORE

There is something about Jisook, though. Either her teammates don’t rate her or are unable to get the ball to her, but she keeps making good runs. In a properly-functioning team, she would thrive. Also, she is taking up interesting positions. She’s not afraid to get close to her opponents and ask for the ball. Most players would want to put another yard between them and the defender in a situation when they might receive the ball.

Relationism.

She would love a bit of Bestball.

>BUY BUY BUY

You call Milan’s director of football, who is flabbergasted that you are in Milan, stalking his training ground. ’My women’s team’s squad is too small for the WSL. I need some players, I’m not fussy, and I don’t have a lot of time. I watched your squad and you’ve got this Jisook girl. I quite like her but I noticed no-one passes to her and looking at the last ten games of last season, she barely got on the pitch. I will take her off your hands, if you want.’

’Interesting. What fee do you propose?’

You are surprised Pikachu. ’Fee?!’

***

You awaken in a darkened room.

>CHECK DATE

It is Saturday August 5th.

>LIST ACTIVE QUESTS

Saltney Town are playing their first league game in the Welsh Premier League.

>SKIP THAT

You cannot.

>GO EAST

You are sitting in the dugout watching a match at The Legends stadium. Well In is managing and you are picking up experience points. The side is much rotated, with most of your key players safely wrapped in cotton wool. These games are why you kept Carl Carlile, Omari, and Tom. Your squad building has been excellent.

Let’s hope the same is true for the women’s team. In five weeks, Chester Women will play their first ever match in the Women’s Super League.

Let’s hope the same is true for the men’s team. In seven days, Chester FC will play their first ever English Premier League match, against Arsenal.

>DON’T PANIC

You breathe normally. Exhale darkness, inhale light. Hommmmmm.

>LIST RECENT TRANSFERS

Chester Women have signed a deeply confused Jisook Kim from AC Milan for a fee of 200,000 pounds.

Chester have won the battle to sign Ruud Berkenbosch from Go Ahead Eagles, fending off competition from 7 clubs including Stuttgart and Como. Berkenbosch will join Chester on August 25th, after the UEFA Conference League playoffs. The fee is a club record 27 million pounds.

Time passes.

Saltney win, as do Connah’s Quay Nomads and Flint Town United.

***

You awaken in a darkened room, for the last time, honest.

It is Tuesday, August 8th. Tonight is the Champions League Third Round Second Leg. To convey a sense of the stakes and your desperation to win, you will now be transported into an interaction fiction-style maze. You must exit the maze in fewer than 400 steps or you will miss the match. Pen and paper is strongly recommended, and you may read up on classic ’breadcrumb dropping’ maze-solving techniques.

>SKIP MAZE

You are warming up at The Racecourse, where a decent crowd of between four and five thousand curious locals and members of the Polish diaspora are excitedly chatting.

Your friend Dylan, who volunteered to be your bodyguard in a frankly sickening attempt to be near Ryan Reynolds, calls to you. You walk to the side of the pitch, and find Everton’s director of football.

>HIT GOBLIN WITH STICK

You cannot do that.

’Max! Good luck tonight. Listen, I heard the rumours you’ve been putting out about signing other defenders. It’s all a bit obvious, isn’t it? I worked out what you really want. You want to sign a Poppy before Remembrance Day to keep the Daily Mail off your back. Haha! I spoke to Ryan Jack and we had a bit of a back and forth and look, okay, a million for Poppy Lampard is maybe on the high side so I’m willing to compromise. Six hundred thousand and she’s yours. Er, if you and she can agree personal terms, of course.’

>GROAN AND TUT AND SHAKE MY HEAD

’Mate,’ you complain. ’I appreciate you making the long and arduous journey back down to planet Earth...’

He laughs.

’But that’s still bonkers. What was my last bid? 300 grand, I think.’

His smile fades a little. ’450.’

’You sure? Look, I don’t know if you realise this but I’m about to play a match. I can’t be thinking about this right now. 500 and that’s cutting me own throat.’

’550’s my base. No, but really. That’s a hard base, set from on high. Do you know what I mean?’ He blows air from his cheeks. ’That sounds lame, doesn’t it? It’s true, though. I’d actually love to do a deal. Looks good on my yearly reviews, you know? Unexpected new money. Yeah, it’s 550 or no deal.’

’Okay. I’m gonna, you know...’ You gesture towards the pitch. ’Let’s get a drink after, though.’

He winces. ’Ooh, sorry, Max, can’t. I’ve got a date.’

’Roar! You dog.’

’With Ryan Reynolds.’

’Ew.’

’They want to talk transfers.’

’You like talking transfers with people called Ryan, don’t you? I’ll get Ryan Jack back on the case after I’ve had a think.’

***

The game kicks off.

>CHECK MATCH OVERVIEW

Raków formation: 3-4-3

Raków average CA: 119.4

Saltney formation: 3-2-4-1

Saltney Town average CA: 132.1

Notable changes from last match: You reverted to your strongest eleven. The left winger Ash Bradley is not in the squad, having picked up a minor injury.

Your analysis: The match will be stodgy and difficult. Both teams can defend and have a very solid structure. Saltney will be able to move the ball freely in the defensive third and the midfield, but upon arriving in the attacking third, you may hit a brick wall. You will be double-marked in the right-wing slot and there may not be enough creativity elsewhere on the pitch to provide Colin Beckton with good opportunities. Saltney will have a lot more threat from set pieces, and if the Polish champions do start throwing bodies forward, you will ruin them on counters. It is a supremely efficient way to play, even if it is not very entertaining. You are going to lambast Arsenal for creating a team just like this one, but you don’t need to think too deeply about that.

Time passes.

You are double-marked, which is annoying but it means you don’t have to worry too much about Raków attacking your side of the pitch. On the other side, Davey Barnes is looking as solid as ever.

Dan Badford is not having a great game, which effectively reduces Saltney’s attacking threat to zero.

>GIVE HIM TIME

Time passes.

Dan begins to play better, but Raków are playing with far more intensity than they did in the first leg. They are winning duels and running hard. The match ratings are slightly in their favour. There’s one flaw in their tactical setup, but you are too busy concentrating on your own job to focus.

>BE STAUNCH

You reach half time with the scores still at 0-0.

If it stays like this, you will progress into the playoff round.

Would you like to check the stakes?

>NO

The winner of the playoff round goes into the Champions League proper, along with 35 other teams including Barcelona, Bayern Munich, and as many as six Premier League teams. Each club plays 8 matches against semi-randomly drawn opponents. There will be a few weak teams, so it is possible Saltney could even win a couple of matches, and each win would attract a 2 million pound bonus on top of the 18.6 million pounds awarded for qualifying.

You feel you must win this match in order to live a long and happy life. You feel that if you lose, you will have to live under a bridge like a troll in a text adventure.

>ASK WELL IN ABOUT TACTICAL FLAW

Well In’s eyes light up. You have been excessively polite to him since his disobedience at Euro 28. ’I did see something,’ he says. ’Let me check the video and see if I can put it into words.’

You sit and eat marathon paste. It has not been a very difficult match so far, but you have done your fair share of running in an attempt to disrupt the oppo’s structure.

Well In comes over with a tablet computer. ’Is this what you mean? Raków have a back three but all the defenders are right-footed. When the ball’s going over there, towards you, the passing goes crazy. They keep spilling the air from their sails, we reset, they have to go again. Are you thinking you could anticipate one of these shit passes and create chaos?’

’We’re winning. If I could lock in a nil-nil right now, I would take it. Er, hang on.’

>LOCK IN A NIL-NIL RIGHT NOW

You cannot do that.

’Okay, so... I think I won’t go chasing that opportunity because that will leave my side of the pitch undefended. We would probably mop it up but why take the risk? It’s interesting, though. This is exactly the reason I was thinking of signing Poppy instead of someone more oven-ready. If you’ve got her on the left of three centre backs, you don’t have this problem.’

’I’m hearing that it’s not something we can exploit right now.’

’Not exploit, no, but it’s still benefitting us, isn’t it? We can just let it happen. Maybe a couple of times I’ll sprint a few yards towards the ball, just to put the guy under pressure. He might panic and play it blind towards the goalie, but I won’t follow through with the run. It’ll be a fake-out; I’ll get back into position.’

’Okay.’

’Oh, but tell Tom Westwood. Show him the tape. If we bring him on, we can have him press that side of the defence, right? That will be pandemonium for a couple of minutes.’

’Got it.’ Well In moves away.

>RUN SELF-DIAGNOSTICS

You are bursting with energy; you could keep going through extra time.

Your legs are springy; if you get the chance to shoot it will go like a rocket.

You are confident but not hubristic.

>SUMMON DAN

’Yes, boss?’

’You’re not having it all your own way out there, are you?’

He rubs his arm. ’No. It’s... I dunno. Not clicking or something.’

’Yeah, look,’ you say, leaning back in a languid fashion, ’it’s the Champions League. This team were the best in Poland last year. It’s not supposed to be easy, is it? Sometimes I think that you think that if you aren’t being dreamy and elegant, you’re not impressing people. What I’d say to that is, fuck people.’

’All people?’

’Pretty much. This isn’t about them, it’s about you, and more specifically, it’s about me.’ You grin, and he replies in kind. You say, ’Seems to me this is one of those days where you need to graft, get stuck in, keep the shape, and keep working because there might be that one move where suddenly you’ve got time on the ball and you do the thing that hurts them the most and that’s it. 6 out of 10 in the match ratings but you did your job. It’s a job, isn’t it? It’s not all private jets and talking supercars with Adam Adebayo. Sometimes it’s shit and you don’t enjoy it. You know what I do on days like that?’

’What?’

’I enjoy the fact that I’m not enjoying it.’

He laughs. ’Okay. I think I know what you mean.’

’Good. That makes one of us.’

He laughs again. His Morale has risen two levels.

Carl Carlile, who used to play for you at Chester, is on the bench to your left. When Dan leaves, Carl says, ’You still got it, boss.’

Gain 300 Pride Points. Gain temporary immunity from Hubris.

***

You start the second half like a man possessed.

You program hot keys that move Magnus and Dumi in and out of the defensive wedge, shifting them left and right respectively. This weakens the centre but strengthens the flanks, confuses the oppo, and most importantly, gives you the security to leave your position.

>GO FERAL

You storm around the pitch, taking short passes in your stride, dribbling, and unleashing thunderbastards.

One is parried away by the startled goalie, the next clips the outside of the post, and the third is touched onto the crossbar and comes crashing back.

’Woof!’ says Edgar Wilde.

The onslaught forces the away team into a 5-2-3 shape.

>RETURN TO DEFAULT

You reset the formation to 3-2-4-1. You grind enemy attacks into dust. A few oppo players lose levels of Morale; they feel like they must climb a mountain simply to get a shot on target. You beat a player to a header, sprint to the loose ball, and begin another long, tedious passing sequence. The oppo’s striker sprints after the ball, but when Peter, Magnus, and Dan zip it around him in a triangle and he realises no-one joined him in his pressing move, his shoulders slump.

You grin, savagely. You are one sick bastard.

***

There are ten minutes to go.

If you keep things as they are, you will surely grind out a draw and progress through to the next round.

If you do not make substitutions, you will not maximise the squad’s CA growth.

>TOCKERS AND LUDO FOR TONY AND DAN

This is extremely risky.

>I’LL PLAY AS A DM

Risk mitigated.

You make the changes.

Time passes.

There are five minutes of normal time left. If you make another substitution, you could possibly squeeze an extra point of CA into the squad, but if Raków score, you will play extra time with a weak team.

>WE MUST BE BRAVE. SEND FOR BERTIE

Bertie replaces Colin Beckton.

A shiver of dread runs down your spine as you realise the magnitude of your mistake. You have absolutely fucked this. This is going to be a moment that brings you out in a cold sweat for many a year. People will say, do you remember the time Max Best bet the farm on a teenager instead of sticking to a sure thing? Children will point and cry, ’daddy, daddy, why does that man live under a bridge?’

>PLAY LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT

You win an easy header.

The match ends.

Congratulations! You are into the Champions League playoff.

The fans in the stadium, who mostly support Wrexham, give you a generous round of applause.

>HOLD THREE FINGERS UP TO REMIND THEM OF THE PLAYOFF FINAL SCORE

You wave, smile, throw your shirt to a child, and pose for a selfie with a disabled fan. Aww. You’re sweet, really.

You go into the dressing room, get your phone, and open the Messages app.

Who do you want to write to?

>EMMA

Input your message.

>ME TARZAN. YOU JANE.

Once your lustful thoughts subside - eventually - you check the score in the College 1975 match. They have taken the Serbian champions to extra time in the second leg! You must get to a TV and watch that, but there’s one more thing to do.

You think back to the match. Three at the back. Three right-footers. Muy muy no bueno, not at elite level. You want to be elite, don’t you?

You create another message. Who is it to?

>RYAN JACK

Input your message.

>GET LAMPs.