Rising Shards

6:45AM.

First alarm goes off. I didn’t sleep much that night before, but it was a Saturday, what did it matter? I stared up at the ceiling, wondering why this week felt so horrible.

7:00AM.

I still managed to bury my face in a pillow and scream.

7:10AM.

I got the energy to sit up and get the blood sample, sending it away to Mother’s part of the lab.

7:15AM.

I didn’t have the energy to play bass. I texted Nikki asking her when our next gig was, she didn’t respond. I send another asking if she wanted to do anything this weekend, no response. It was early, so I was probably foolish for expecting one, but I also knew she wouldn’t say anything all day to me.

7:30AM.

I crawled out of bed to the bathroom, staring at my reflection. I didn’t have to hide my face anymore, but my reflection looked so tired and worn out.

7:40AM.

I ate breakfast, making small talk with the other devils who stayed in our dorm for breakfast instead of going to the cafeteria. The ones up early on a Saturday like me, Esther and Ash, the two not saying anything about the Faleurs but I could tell their concern with every glance my way.

7:50AM.

I didn’t have class, I didn’t have anywhere to go. I went back to my room, staring at the log I stabbed over and over, the picture of the Faleurs taped to it. I didn’t even have the energy to get up for my daily habit.

11:32am.

I woke up to the sound of my mother’s voice, apparently having fallen back asleep after breakfast.

I sat up abruptly as she entered, stoic and serious as always.

”Mother? Apologies, I should have been up earlier...” I said.

”It’s fine,” Mother said, standing in front of my bed, arms crossed. ”How would you say your first week maskless went?”

”It was...” I started. ”A lot.”

”That’s unsurprising, it’s a big change,” Mother said.

She observed my room, not commenting on its status. It was mostly clean save for a few piles of clothes, so I hoped it was to her satisfaction. I scooted forward to sit at the edge of the bed.

”What should I do, Mother?” I asked.

”About?” Still standing in place, expression unchanged.

”I told them, the Faleurs, but the other devils were unhappy with how I delivered the message,” I said. ”But I had to do it. They broke our family. How can I hold onto this feeling that’s guided me for so long if it hurts? I don’t want the others to hate me...”

”They won’t hate you,” Mother said. ”It will take time to adjust. You had a lot bottled up that you let out. They’ll understand eventually if they don’t now.”

Mother sat next to me. ”You are perhaps the most important part of this entire plan, I hope you know that. I’m sorry to put the burden on your shoulders, but to stop what’s coming, I need you in top shape, and I don’t want to see you torn up like this.”

”How do I stop it, though?” I asked. ”I can’t shut the feeling off.”

”How about...you channel it in a new way?” Mother suggested. ”The school has set up the training plans for you and the other devils against the Rising Shards students. You’ll need them to get stronger. So use that energy, that emotion you’ve been storing and letting grow for so long against the Faleurs, and use it when you battle them. Use it to become greater, not to mire yourself in distress.”

Channeling it in a new way.

”You mean...to not let go of these feelings of hatred to Zeta and Stella, but to use them to further my own abilities?” I said.

Mother nodded. She didn’t offer judgment positively or negatively on my feelings to Zeta and Stella, neutral to the point of madness sometimes given everything they did to us.

”I...I shall try,” I said.

”Excellent,” Mother said, leaving without another word, setting down some papers on a dresser, class plans for me to look over. I felt gears turning even just skimming them.

When she was gone, I went to the corner of the room with the Faleur photo. I had the energy to get my daily stabs in, then my attention turned to the notebook, with my name written over and over. I didn’t need to write it in secret anymore, so I turned the page. I began writing on a new blank one, filling it quickly. Then another, then another.

Later that day, I asked my fellow devils to meet up in the facility’s dorm, so they sat in the booths in the dining area while I stood in front of them.

”To start, I would like to apologize for my behavior this week,” I said. ”I didn’t want to upset anyone, but I did, and I own up to that.”

”Thank you,” Caeda said. ”As team leader, I appreciate that you’re apologizing for stepping all over me and bossing me around.”

”Right, anyways,” I said. ”I have...longstanding feelings about the Faleur sisters, and I let them dominate my decision making this week. I can’t guarantee it won’t happen again.”

They all exchanged glances, mulling over my words. Would they deny me completely? Could this be it for this group of friends, the only people who were truly like me?

”This feeling isn’t gonna go away anytime soon, I get that,” Sai said. ”I don’t wanna get in your way about it, but I don’t want to ignore what you’re feeling either. Even if it’s pretty messed up, I’m your friend still.”

”Thank you,” I said.

”I think I feel similarly to Sai, yeah,” Ash said.

The others agreed, though Chickadee’s agreement was more her wondering why I would even be apologizing for having disdain for our enemies.

”I don’t want to be trapped in these conflicting feelings, so moving forward I promise I will try to channel all of this anger to them to our mission,” I said. ”We need to get stronger, and they are the tools that will sharpen our blades.”

”Now this sounds more like it,” Chickadee said.

I held my notebook up.

”Mother gave me an outline of some upcoming classes and plans for our encounters with the Rising Shards students,” I said. ”I’ve been studying them all day, and jotting down ideas for us. I will try to not let my emotions dictate my actions, but instead use them for our growth. We won’t just use the Rising Shards students to grow stronger, but we will win decisively against them in every way. I won’t let myself be defined by my feelings to the Faleur sisters, but instead will use those feelings as a springboard for all of us to become greater. Does that make any sense?”

The other devils went silent.

”As long as I get to be the leader still, you can do whatever,” Caeda said.

”I’m gonna be honest and say no, it doesn’t make sense,” Myles said. ”I don’t get how just continuing to hate people but in a motivational way fixes that meltdown. But like Sai said, you do have feelings you gotta work through, ones that aren’t just gonna go away. I’ll...be at your side, I guess.”

”Same here,” Esther said. ”I’m still figuring out what exactly I’m supposed to do here. But I can hold the line in the meantime.”

”As long as we don’t have to beat up another principal, I’m good,” Charmaine said.

”Yeah, if they tell us to do that again we can come up with something, right?” Ash said.

”Babies,” Chickadee said. ”A free pass to beat up a principal? If they ask us again I’ll take that job on my own, there. Problem solved.”

”Alright,” I said. ”Even if it doesn’t entirely make sense now, I hope I could at least apologize for upsetting you. And that you won’t kick me out or anything. I don’t want to lose this.” I gestured to the group.

”You’re still one of us, don’t worry,” Sai said.

I sighed in relief.

”Ana, we don’t get it, but I should also add,” Myles said. ”I don’t get anything any of you do. You hating your sisters is just as weird as how much you geek out over that Tower show. Caeda, no offense, you’re also weird and incredibly obnoxious. Chickadee, you’ve got something wrong with you, and I’m just glad you’re on our side? Esther, you brush your teeth at weird hours of the day. Charmaine’s whistling is so obnoxious. And Ash, where do I even start with you?”

”Wow, OK, guess we’re just doing this now,” Ash said. ”Myles, I think you’re a jackass a lot of the time, and if you weren’t my sister I don’t know if I could stand you.”

”That’s so a lie, you love me,” Myles grinned.

”Alright, the last part is a bit much but I do think you can be a jackass!” Ash said. ”Also seconding the whistling.”

”Wow, alright!” Charmaine said.

Everyone laughed, and started roasting each other. Maybe we had a lot of tensions building up in our group that I didn’t really think about while I was so focused on myself. Sai smiled at me in the middle of the shouting and laughter, and I matched their expression.

There were endless questions about what came next. About how I would be without my mask. With Nikki. Or that singer. About the Faleurs, about this school. I had ideas for how we’d proceed while we trained, but they were just ideas. It was up to us to forge ahead, to find ourselves and figure our our path.

Even though my life was a mess that was sure to get messier, at least I had my strange friends.