Naruto : Venom

The Next Day, Northern Base

”I’m bored.” Maiko heaves out a heavy sigh as she’s curled up in a chair.

”Then go bother your team or something. They always are willing to give you some time.” Karin says to the bored girl without bothering to look up from her notebook. Karin is doodling drawings that are borderline smut.

There’s a specific black haired boy that is heavily featured in most of them. All of them.

”But I don’t wanna!” Maiko pouts and her cat ears wilt. Then they spring back up suddenly. ”Watcha doing?”

”NOTHING!” Karin slams her notebook shut and flushes red in embarrassment. ”NOTHING AT ALL! NOTHING TO SEE HERE!”

”Oh!” Maiko playfully smiles at Karin with just a hint of a feral look about her. ”Now that sounds entertaining! Gimmie!”

Maiko springs up out of the chair and lunges at the notebook.

”No!” Karin holds her notebook away from Maiko with one arm while the other is holding her at bay. ”Bad kitty! Bad! Don’t make me get the squirt bottle!”

Maiko freezes.

”You wouldn’t dare.” Maiko levels a pleading glare at her friend. She’s both mad and scared at the same time.

”Yes I would.” Karin gloats in victory. ”It wouldn’t be the first time I got you wet - he’s back.”

”Hahaha!” Maiko doubles over in laughter. ”You should have finished that sentence! That sounds so raunchy!”

”Maiko.” Karin grasps Maiko by the arms and makes her stand straight again. ”He’s back.”

”Who?” Maiko asks in confusion.

”Alvarcus.” Karin slowly says as if she’s talking to a child. Technically she is but this child is also a kunoichi. And part cat. So… yeah. ”Alvarcus is back.”

”About damn time!” Maiko squirms in Karin’s grasp, attempting to break free. ”Lemme go! I want to go glop my boytoy!”

”Glomp?” Bewilderment flashes across Karin’s face.

”Squeeze tightly until asphyxiation. You know, hug to death. Glomp.” Maiko lectures Karin.

”Right…” Karin trails off skeptically.

”If it was Sasuke you’d try the exact same thing.” Maiko accuses her friend. ”Don’t bother denying it.”

”Speaking of Sasuke.” Karin switches her hold to take Maiko by the hand. ”He’s going to want to know this.”

”NO!” Maiko attempts to plant her feet but Karin simply drags her along. ”I wanna go glomp! Lemme go glomp!”

”Are you even sure that’s a word?” Karin mutters. ”Anyways he’s still a ways out. Just crossed the border of my sensing range, we have plenty of time.”

”Why the hell did you tell me now then?” Maiko asks. ”Way to lead a girl along.”

”Oh shut up.”

...

”SASUKE!” Karin shouts into a large training field. ”GUESS WHAT?”

”GO AWAY YOU INFERNAL WOMAN!” Sasuke roars back. ”NO YOU CANNOT WATCH ME TRAIN! NO YOU CANNOT WAIT OUTSIDE THE DOOR! AND QUIT ASKING ME FOR A SHIRT!”

”Please say you didn’t do that?” Maiko looks at her friend in a new light. Karin is practically drooling as Sasuke is flying through kenjutsu forms. ”Nevermind. You’d totally do all of those.”

”Jokes on him.” Karin quietly shares with Maiko so Sasuke can’t hear. ”I already have a shirt.”

”Really?”

”Yep!” Karin easily answers her as her eyes dart to a shadowy alcove in the room. No one is visibly there but she’s feeling someone. There’s only one person she knows that can mask their presence this well and if he’s hiding it must be for a reason.

”Girl you have problems.” Maiko gently pats her friend on the head. ”It’s alright, we’ll get through this together.”

”HE’S BACK!” Karin shouts at Sasuke.

Sasuke moves so quickly from his spot to stand next to the two girls that all they could see was a blur.

”He’s back?” Sasuke asks eagerly.

”Yep.” Karin pops the p. ”Gonna be here in about twenty minutes at the rate he’s moving.”

”Well then.” Sasuke sheaths his sword and nods to the girls. ”If you will excuse me, I have business that needs my immediate attention.”

Then he sprints out of the room.

”OI!” Karin shouts after him. ”WE’RE COMING TOO JERK!”

Karin takes off after him while dragging Maiko again.

”Karin!” Maiko whines. ”I can run you know!”

They all leave the training field, leaving it empty.

Save for one person who was hiding in the shadows to observe his next body.

”Fantastic.” Orochimaru smiles to himself. ”He’s back early. I wonder how it all went?”

...

”I’m back baby!” I shout as I’m standing before the doors to the base.

”ALVARCUS!” The doors burst open and a feline form darts out. ”I’mma glomp you!”

”Dodge!” Karin shouts. ”She’s going to OOF!”

Maiko slams into Karin, tackling her to the ground and squeezing her with everything she has. ”Alvarcus it’s so good to see you again!”

”Maiko!” Karin wheezes out. ”Stop! Need! Air!”

”Huh?” Maiko loosens her grip and looks at the person she’s hugging to death. ”You’re not Alvarcus!”

”No shit.” I chuckle to myself as I’m standing where Karin once stood. ”Bonus of having outlandish chakra reserves: I can replace with unsuspecting people.”

THWAP

”The fuck Sasuke?” I rub the back of my head where he just smacked me. ”I just get back and you assualt me?”

”It just felt right.” Sasuke sighs in contentment. ”So you better now?”

”Oh yeah. Loads.” I honestly tell him. Sure shit went down but I still came out better than when I left. Let’s be honest that was a very low bar. ”How’s things here?”

”Stopped a prison break while you were gone.” Sasuke offers. ”You would have loved to be there.”

”No shit?” Dammit! I wanna stop a prison break!

”Yes.” A sinister snake like voice interjects. ”I’m sure that my prisoners would have rushed back to their cells the moment they saw the Heart Thief come to get them.”

”Hey.” I jauntily wave at Orochimaru despite the always present revulsion I feel for him. ”I’m back! I even got it too!”

”You did?” Orochimaru sounds eager, very eager, to see the armor. ”May I see it? I’ve always wondered what it looks like.”

”Sure!” I pull out a scroll. ”Here we go!”

POOF

”Alvarcus.” Orochimaru says with fake displeasure. I think he’s missed my antics. ”That’s a chair.”

”Whoops. Wrong scroll.” I cheekily grin at him. ”My mistake.”

”Dammit.” Sasuke facepalms. ”He went and found himself an armchair.”

...

Two Days Later

”Thanks Cap!” I call over my shoulder as I vault over the side of the same ship I rode out on. I was mulling around the port we made harbor at and bumped into the Captain. The nice guy offered me a ride back to the mainland.

”Remember Laddie, there’s a spot on my crew for ya.” He calls after me despite the fact that I’m already running away from the boat. ”Just come find me and my ship!”

”You got it!” I shout back. Then I lower my voice so that he can’t hear me. ”Except I don’t know your name or the name of your ship so finding you is going to be so unpractical. I’d have to do so much work and thieving to figure it all out. Good thing I don’t want to be a sailor!”

~You’re in a surprisingly good mood.~

”Yeah well I don’t have to deal with anyone else for a while.” I shrug to myself as I’m wandering around the town. ”Now the real question is should I crash here for the rest of the day and start fresh tomorrow morning?”

~It’s not like you can’t run all the way back to Oto right now. It’s entirely up to you, you will still be back early even if you leave tomorrow morning.~

”I think you just sold me.” I start scanning the buildings around me, looking for a hotel. ”I’ve got plenty of time. I’m going to take some me time, focus on just myself. It’ll be so nice to be alone for a bit. Well not technically alone, you’re always there.”

~True, but I will be quiet if you want me to. It’s not like you’re getting rid of me, we’re stuck together.~

”Why is it that you sound happy when you say that?” I cheekily ask Sureddo.

~I don’t know, why don’t you tell me? You sound happy yourself - Host we have a problem.~

”Are you fucking shitting me?” I groan out. ”What is it now?”

~I think it’s -

”CONVERT!” I’m scooped up into a bear hug from behind. The force of the hug would crush a normal person, whoever this is they’re dangerous. ”Oh finally something goes my way! How the hell have you been? You ready to accept Jashin-sama as our lord and savior? Wait you are the Convert right? I didn’t just grab some random asshole did I?”

”Who the fuck are - Hidan?” Oh HELL no! Slicked back lavender hair. Giant three pronged scythe strapped to his back. Black cloak with red clouds on it.

What. The. Fuck.

”Hidan why are you making such a racket?” A deep gruff voice sighs from behind Hidan, I can’t see the speaker but I know exactly who it is. ”Please say you didn’t just murder some poor nobody. We don’t get paid to kill random people.”

”No it’s even better than that!” Hidan spins me around and presents me to Kakuzu. ”Tada! Lookie at what I found! The Convert!”

”The Convert?” Kakuzu turns his gaze onto me and his eyes widen slightly in surprise.

”Kakuzu?” I refuse to believe this. Why the fuck is this happening?

WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS GO SO WRONG?

”Muffins?” Kakuzu asks in equal surprise.

”Fuck you and FUCK MUFFINS!” I roar at the much more skilled, older, and deadly man. ”I’m a fucking shinobi! I kill people because it gets me a paycheck! I refuse to be called something so damn lame! That’s it! I’m murdering Kisame next time I see him! I’ll take that stupid big sword of his and shove it so far up his ass that it comes out his mouth! Then I’ll rip it out and stab him repeatedly and when that fucker asks me why I’ll stare him straight in his eyes and just before the light leaves them forever I’ll say Muffins. I want him to know he died because he called me a fucking pastry!”

Wow that was a bad idea. But it felt so good.

”HAHAHA!” Hidan is doubled over in laughter while maintaining a grip on my shoulder. ”Oh I’d love to see you say that to Kisame’s face! That’s great! You’re fucking perfect for Jashinism!”

”I’m not subscribing to your dumb religion.” I pry Hidan’s fingers off of my shoulder, it took a lot more force than I expected. He’s got an iron grip.

”And that’s why I like you.” Kakuzu snorts in amusement as Hidan wilts at my blatant dismissal of his religion. ”You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, when it’s there at least.”

”Oh haha very funny.” I dryly say to Kakuzu. ”Let’s all poke fun at the guy who has been decapitated. Like you two haven’t ever been decapitated before.”

”Loads of times!” Hidan slams a hand on my back but I don’t stagger under the blow. I was ready for it. ”Welcome to the club! Isn’t it hilarious to see the shock on people’s faces when they cut off your noggin and you just put it back on like nothing happened?”

”Actually yes. I think that’s the first thing we agree on.” I admit to the lunatic that wants me to worship a God by killing loads of people in said God’s name. ”Though usually I try to avoid it at all costs.”

...