Limitless Evolution As a Snake

That’s so much funnier than it has any right to be.

I picture it, actually picture some random guy mid-swing at me, and then poof, suddenly he’s got a completely different voice, completely different everything, still holding the same knife, still got the same haircut, just now built like his own sister. The image alone nearly makes me gag on my gin.

[SYSTEM: see this is why I love this job, you’re already thinking about who to use it on aren’t you]

I mean, maybe a little bit. Purely for tactical reasons.

[SYSTEM: yeah nah, tactical my ass, you’re thinking about Raymond]

Alright, I might be thinking about Raymond a little bit.

[SYSTEM: mate imagine it though, whole family sit down dinner, everyone’s real serious, real business, and then boom, daddy raymond’s suddenly got a completely different plumbing situation and a voice three octaves higher, and he’s gotta finish the whole meeting like that]

I nearly spit my gin across the kitchen. I have to uncoil my tail from the glass for a second just to get myself under control, because now that image is stuck in my head and it’s not leaving anytime soon.

That’s evil. That’s genuinely one of the most evil things I’ve ever heard, and I want to do it so bad. I guess I do need a new mother?

[SYSTEM: yeah it’s a top-tier skill for messing with people, ten out of ten, chef’s kiss, shame really]

Shame? What’s the shame part?

[SYSTEM: can’t use it on you, mate. self-target’s blocked. tried to sneak it past the filters for you special, thought it’d be funny as fuck watching you deal with that for six hours, but nah, system god’s said no dice]

Wait, you actually tried to make that happen to me?

[SYSTEM: ’course I did, would’ve been the funniest six hours of my career, imagine the panic, imagine the notifications I could’ve sent, ten out of ten content honestly, real shame it got blocked]

I don’t know whether to be relieved or genuinely offended that my own system tried to gender-flip me for a bit.

[SYSTEM: bit of both is the healthy response mate]

I glance toward the other room again, just a reflex at this point, both lumps still breathing steadily, both still fast asleep, completely unaware that I’m coiled up here three feet away debating whether to spend sixty-nine indulgence points on a skill whose primary use case, according to my own internal monologue, is bullying my dad at a family dinner.

[SYSTEM: you don’t have to justify anything to me mate, I’m not your therapist, I’m just the bloke handing you the weapons]

Fair enough. What’s option three, then, because I’ve got a feeling it’s going to somehow be dumber than this one.

[Miniature Multitude] (Rank C)

Cost: 100 IP

Info: Instantly splits your body into 12 miniature copies of yourself, each roughly 5 inches long. You maintain full hive-mind control across all 12 bodies. Incredible utility for complex stealth infiltration, multi-target recon, or coordinating very thorough, multi-angled cuddle and playtime sessions with your girls.

Note: Think of the possibilities! 12x the stealth, 12x the mischief, and 12x the fun for Lyra.

Cooldown: 3 Hours

[SYSTEM: Before you ask, yeah, they all move independently, yeah, they all think at the same time as you; it’s basically twelve of you moving around doing twelve different things]

Twelve of me at once, you say? How would that work?

[SYSTEM: Twelve of you at once, mate, and before your brain even finishes catching up, I already know where it’s going, so let me just get ahead of it, you could do recon with it; yeah, you could sneak into places; yeah, it’s great for scouting, but let’s be honest here: we both know the real headline feature]

I mean, I wasn’t gonna say anything.

[SYSTEM: mate, you don’t have to say anything; I can see your thoughts. That’s literally my job, and right now your thoughts are just the word BDSM in flashing letters like a strip club sign]

Okay, it’s a little bit that. Think about it though, twelve of me means twelve angles, twelve points of contact, you could bind someone completely, coil-over-coil, and then just work every single spot at once, no gaps, no downtime, full coverage like a pit crew except the car is a woman, and the car is very happy about the pit crew.

[SYSTEM: see this is why I keep this job, the mental images alone are worth the pay cut]

Old mate, you don’t get paid; you’re stuck here until whatever mission you were given is over?

My brain’s already wandering into logistics I did not ask it to wander into, or which hole gets which snake or how many snakes. Whether I split evenly or weight it toward whichever spot’s getting neglected. Genuinely disturbing amount of thought going into where twelve tiny me’s would be deployed on one single woman, like I’m planning a small invasion.

Okay, serious question though. Do all twelve of me have, you know. Equipment. Or is it just the one and the rest are backup singers?

[SYSTEM: nah mate, sadly no, you’re the equipment, the whole snake is the equipment, so really what you’ve got is twelve remote-controlled dildos all synced up and reporting to the same brain, which honestly if you think about it is still a pretty good deal]

That’s still incredible, honestly. I’ll take it. Twelve remote-controlled dildos beats being one confused USB cable any day of the week.

[SYSTEM: bloody oath it does]

God, imagine if Cherry got this skill instead of me, though. Twelve Cherrys. Twelve apologising, tripping, horn-twitching Cherrys all in one room at the same time, all separately spiralling about something different, all knocking things over independently. That’s not a skill, that’s a natural disaster, and then when she gets horny? Oh my god, that’s 12 dommy mommies; nah, that sounds good actually.

[SYSTEM: Oh mate, twelve cherries, that’s not a skill; that’s a religious experience. I’d convert on the spot; I’d build a little shrine]

You’re a menace.