Limitless Evolution As a Snake

[System: Oi, fuck you cunt. Right, so there’s a manual, book, whatever, and it says I get to pick your next two skills for you, which’ll sort your insides right out. No input from you, haha, get fucked. You can see what they are, just can’t pick ’em. Personally I reckon that’s wonderful. Anyway your outsides are still going to look like... you know. Road kill is what you look like.]

He’s reading a book. Right now, still mad about that, actually. Not one word, hold on. Old mate, are you dying too?

[System: Oi, hold on a sec, mate, I’m flipping through this bloody manual to save your life, fuck. Also, you seem alright, honestly. I mean, outside you look like a cuttlefish that’s been karate chopped, and mate, that’s not a compliment, but you get it, don’t you? And it’s good for you to struggle a bit. Don’t worry, we’ll do lots more struggling! I’ll give ya your EXP later; you don’t need it yet, but here, have your health back!”]

I feel a sudden, inexplicable rush, like cool water flooding through my veins, soothing the raw edges inside me. My outsides might still resemble a massacre, but inside feels stitched together, if not new, at least not broken.

[System: You don’t need most of your tail probably anyway.]

I lie there, taking in the lack of pain, the bizarre sense of internal wholeness amidst the physical wreckage. It’s a weird contrast, like having a mint-condition engine in a car that’s just been totalled.

Old mate, I swear to God, what the hell? I look so bad. I need a bath, really bad.

I manage to hiss out, my voice a mix of gratitude and irritation.

And what about my EXP? I want to see what my status is now. And am I safe to just lay here next to Big Head and Dickhead or what?

Just as I’m trying to get a grasp on what’s left of my fragmented dignity, the Old mate chimes in again,

[System: By the way, you still need to find 2 more food items for your quest.]

I sigh, or at least do the snake equivalent of a sigh, which is more a silent, resigned deflation of my little champagne flute body. Food, right, need to do that and quests and most likely survival, the never-ending cycle in this new life of mine. I miss my desk job. There was something profoundly comforting about swivel chairs and coffee breaks that didn’t involve hunting down mutant rats or whatever delicacies the Undercity held.

Pushing the nostalgia aside, I focus on what needs to be done. Bath and get that exp off old mate; I need that shit, even if this old drunk koala is in charge of my skills. I want to at least see what the fuck I’m missing out on.

I slither slightly, testing my newly ’repaired’ insides, preparing to venture out for the next item on that quest list. Old Mate might be a sarcastic pain in the ass, but he’s my sarcastic pain in the ass, guiding me through this chaotic existence. Maybe, just maybe, I can get through this with a little more than a cuttlefish’s chance in a karate dojo.

As I gingerly move along the debris-strewn alley, a sudden paranoia grips me.

Hey, Old Mate, those golems are 100% dead, right? They’re not going to get up and kill me, right?

I can’t help but glance nervously behind me, and seeing the sight of the fallen giants still dead brings me some joy.

How did that other golem get knocked over anyway?

[System: Well, well, well, dear Matt boy, your lady friend or that weird as fuck ’mine, mine, mine’ that’s going off in your head like some broken toy climbed up to the top and knocked some pipes and rock down on top of that golem. So that’s nice, she does care about you!]

I pause, my tiny heart swelling oddly.

Wow, she cares about me? Even though I look like a plastic bag that’s been floating in the sea too long?

There’s a warmth spreading through my scales, an unfamiliar but not unwelcome sensation.

[System: Yeah, that’s probably your body getting over the fact you’re not going to die. But sure, believe what you want. And you know how you used a skill you don’t have anymore?]

Wait, yeah, now I’m not literally dying. What the hell was that, Old Mate? I could use [legless but fast], and I thought we exchanged that?

The confusion only adds to the whirlwind of emotions currently swirling inside me.

[System: Yeah, well, I gave you four skills for a few minutes, because, as I said, if you die, then my whole game plan is over! And I can’t have that.]

So you’re saying you could have saved me the whole time...?

A tinge of betrayal mixed with relief in my voice, but to be fair, he probably gets off watching me struggle.

[System: Uhhhh, let’s see your status now!!! Each golem man-beast thing was about 2,000 EXP each, so that got you a whopping 4,000 EXP! Congrats, little snake. Now, my two cents is that we turn some of that into IP.]

Wow, I got 4K? That’s huge! I nearly forgive you!

I flick my tongue out, tasting the air, the digital numbers somehow making me feel more substantial.

Also, I WAS VERY BRAVE. Where are my extra IP points?

[System: I was getting to that, you little fucker. You have made the gods very happy by standing up for your woman. Love that for you, hope you fuck her soon actually can I watch?]

How the hell do I fuck her in this ball of jellyfish parts for a body form? And what the hell, no!

I’m almost indignant, offended by both the suggestion and the impossibility of it; kind of sounds hot though.

[System: Ah, you’re no fun, you dickhead. Anyways, you also attacked and killed 2 golem men! Even when you were bleeding out, very good. I like that you killed them too. Could have maimed them, but you killed them; love that for you.]

What? There was an option to not kill them?