Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

”Passion can make you stupid,

That’s not always a bad thing,

Courage is refined stupid.”

- Tabitha Diaz, Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Passion

In this Verse our Goddess explains both edges of Passion’s sword with more than her normal brevity, packing a great deal of Wisdom into twenty one syllables.

First, she reiterates the warning from the previous Verse, that Passion can and often will lead us to make hasty, ill thought out decisions. Should we never stop to ponder our Passion with any degree of dispassion, or even just restrained Passion, those poor decisions may harm those we care about.

But Passion is double edged, and the edge that can cut us can also part the obstacles that block our way. For while Passion can blind us to the harm we might do to others, it can also hide the phantom obstacles which prevent us from pursuing our dreams, from bringing our visions of a better world into reality.

- Priestess Most High Above All Others, Archmage Imperator Saffron Aetos-Diaz, Commentary on the Doctrine of Tabitha

Laughing at myself right now with how often I’m just fuckin’ floored by how consistently Saffron turns my goofy multipurpose prank prose into actual valuable life advice.

Seriously, I didn’t put anything deliberately stupid or dumb troll shit into my Doctrine, but I put as much effort into the meter as I did the actual life advice. No way was I gonna put in something counterproductive, because while I’m totally down to fuck around with people who are against the idea that everybody deserves a chance to live their best life, people coming to me and asking how to get that life don’t deserve to be trolled. Seriously, I might say ’why the fuck are you asking me’, but I’m not gonna deliberately give them bad advice. As noted so long ago, Betrayal Bitch is not a product Tabitha’s Bitch Factory has ever produced, nor does it support that shit.

This is probably a little weird to hear coming from somebody who spent so much time back in the day trolling people, and so willing to fuck people’s shit up, but pure schadenfreude is absolutely one of the worst things, like, ever. Just to be clear, I’m not talking about smiling when karma runs over some assholes dogma, or enjoying smacking down some asshole who would not stop hurting people. When I talk about pure schadenfreude, I’m including that part of the definition where it talks about enjoying the misfortune of others when it has no positive impact for me.

That last bit is the important part. No positive impact. If somebody’s doing awful shit, even if it’s not raining shit down on me or mine, that’s still making the world I live in a worse place. People are being traumatized. Trauma breeds trauma. Trust me, nobody knows that shit more than a bitch who is trying to break the cycle of generational trauma. Hopefully succeeding more than I’m failing. Or at least handing my kids different, easier to process trauma. But I digress. It’s not much, but it’s honest work. At any rate, seeing someone who’s causing trauma for no good goddamned reason get their comeuppance is not zero impact for me. Thus, in my Deific opinion, not schadenfreude.

Nah, schadenfreude is seeing some poor bitch tryna take her garbage to the dumpster, tripping on some black ice, and the bag breaking and splattering all over her when her ass hits the ground. No matter how much padding that bitch’s ass has, it’s still gonna hurt, and no amount of showering is gonna completely wash away the memory of six month old leftovers breaking containment. That takes a surprising amount of high grade THC, and even now I’m pretty sure anyone following this story is gonna know that it still didn’t fuckin’ work.

Yeah, life dumps random shit on everybody, and laughing about the shit dumped on somebody else’s head is just cruel. Give them a hand up, maybe help them get clean, possibly make a run to the liquor store or dispensary, then induce dopamine release while she lies there still crying while lit and high. Odds are even if she’s too depressed to reward the kindness right then, when she remembers she might let you use her mouth as a fleshlight. Not that I did that or anything. I’m way more of an active partner most of the time, and I definitely never thought of myself as so hot that the opportunity to use one of my orifices while I sat there passive was any kind of major ’reward’.

Like I said, I digress. It might actually be an addiction. Or a Passion? Weird thing to be Passionate about, but here we are. At any rate, I am not gonna troll people who come to me for advice. The closest I got was putting in a few bits of innuendo, maybe a obscure reference from another universe or two, and of course setting the entire thing to a meter where if somebody sings it to me, they get to see me pop off in living color. Which I’m surprisingly okay with, although with Saffron power washing away any lingering neopuritan guilt about enjoying sex I probably shouldn’t be. Seriously, a worshipper coming up and saying, ’here is an orgasm, I maked it for you’ will at worst have me saying ’uh, thanks, but I’m in the middle of a life or death fight, work on your timing, please’.

Kinda annoying getting that invite at the end of the day yesterday. Not because I wasn’t intending to go fishing for one, but because I definitely have a bit of that neurodiverse habit of really fucked up mental scheduling. As in, ’I gotta meet with Ivan at noon, so I gotta be there at elven, which means I gotta have the kids Doing Thing by ten, which means breakfast needs to start at eight, which means I really ought to get to sleep by midnight, which means I gotta get in the Bath by eleven, which means I’m already almost late for dinner’.

That mental math raced through my head, which kinda banished the last of the brain rebooting I got when I realized that I had eight Elder Godlings currently learning to crawl in our bedroom. Which, oddly, reminded me that they had a Primordial elder sister, not to mention a Primordial adopted elder brother, which helped in a weird kind of way.

”Thanks for letting me know, Karen. Can you meet me aboard the Questing Tentacle at eleven tomorrow?”

She smiled, nodded, and said, ”yes, Goddess,” before stepping back to wherever she’d been.

I turned to Saffron. ”Okay, Kitten. You needed to talk to me?”

She sighed. ”I do.”

I did not like the way she frowned. ”What’s wrong?”

She nodded to herself, then squared her shoulders. ”I’m not going to tell you.” I opened my mouth, and her hand shot up, palm toward me. ”No, love. Nothing is wrong with me, or with any of our partners, or any of our children. Not that I’m aware of, and at this point I’m almost ready to roll out the next version of Assess Health and the new version of Inspect, which will remove any lingering possibility that any problems are going undetected.”

That drained away most of my tension, and definitely got rid of the worst parts of it. ”Nothing wrong with the ’rents?”

She smiled. ”No, love. Nothing wrong with any of your loved ones.”

Yeah, she’d activated my trap card. Or my nascent paranoia, which everybody from back in the day Camden got as a free parting gift. ”My? Specifically?”

She smiled. ”Yes, love. Your loved ones. In point of fact,” she stood up, walked over to me, and pulled me into a hug. ”I’m fairly willing to bet that if you think about it calmly, you’ll know who the bad news relates to.”

I tried to do what she said, but all I came up with was, ”somebody in Boltophsberg?”

She chuckled. ”Nothing for it. Tabitha, I want you to promise me something.”

”Anything.”

Shaking her head, she pulled me down into a kiss, then whispered, ”you give in to me so easily.” Then she nodded again and said, ”when I make my Inspect global, I want you to promise not to Inspect yourself. Not as you are, and not your larger self, either.”

That caught me. ”Am I... Am I dying?”

I did not like the look on her face when I asked that, but she looked very serious and honest when she answered. ”No, love. To the best of my knowledge, you have no degenerating conditions. You will, as far as I can tell, continue to grow and improve as you always have.”

I picked her up, carried her to the bed in the other room, and sat on the edge with her in my lap. ”Can you tell me why? Or tell me anything about it?”

She sighed. Then put a finger to my lips while she thought. ”You realize that with access to M-Space, I can Inspect your greater self there more or less at any time, yes?”

I scrunched my nose, thinking about it. ”Yeah, that makes sense.”

”Well. I did that a few times testing some of the features. Circuit breakers, cutouts, things like that.” I nodded my understanding, and she continued. ”I... There are things I’ve known about you, along with others I’ve suspected, that I thought might traumatize you if you were to discover them. Things about you, things about Mimic.”

She gave me a little time to think. When it hit me I took a deep breath. ”Things that show up on Inspect. Or Status.”

”Yes.”

I took a moment to think about that, then said, ”I can’t promise I never will. Honestly, I think at some point I need to. I can’t...” I paused, trying to sort out the words in my head. ”I can’t improve myself, become a better person, if I don’t know myself, if I don’t know who, or even,” I took a deep breath. ”What I am. You get that, right?”

She nodded. ”I do. However, right now we are dealing with what could turn into a crisis. A crisis including multiple interwoven Pantheons of Deities.”

I scoffed. Do as I say and all that. ”Barely Deities.”

She smiled. ”I like seeing you that confident, love. Be careful, some of them are experts at dealing things far beyond their own level of power. Vyenemoinen is one of those.”

I nodded. ”Yes, Mom.”

She snorted, laughed, then got a speculative look. ”I’d never even thought about the whole ’yes, mommy’ thing in that light before.”

”Ooh, Kitten neuron activation!”

”Yes, well. Now is not quite the time for that. Maybe later.”

I pouted. ”Not tonight. I’ve got to be ready for Ivan tomorrow.”

She tilted her head. ”But you had plans?”

I rolled my eyes. ”Yeah, but personal enrichment plans, even enrichment plans for my ladies, do not take precedence over the potential time bomb that is Boltophsberg.”

She nodded, and I realized I’d made her argument for her. ”So. Can you at least promise not to look in that particular mirror until... until we have some time to give you a vacation? To deal with that any potential trauma in a safe, loving environment? Rather than the middle of a battle?”

I nodded. ”Yeah. Yeah, I can deal with ’this is a messy closet, and will spill all over the room, so keep the fuckin’ door shut until all the guests are gone.”

At that point she got a speculative look. ”As for your plans... I could implement them for you. I rather thought you wanted all of your Clergy participating at any rate.”

I couldn’t help it. I pouted. ”I don’t wanna miss it.”

That’s when she rolled us back to the dining room at the Homestead, plonking my ass down on my chair and plopping herself into my lap before whispering in my ear, ”you won’t.”

She was as good as her word. After a nice, relatively light dinner of paninis, salad, and soup, followed by everybody getting clean, soaked, and sleepy in the Bath, we all piled into bed.

Where I dreamt of about half of my ladies watching that ultra mega wide screen. Specifically Karen, Saffron, and Siobhan were missing. Well, not missing. On the screen, I watched as Saffron said, ”come to me, Concubine.” Then she blinked, and the voice coming out of her mouth was hers, but with a completely different, breathy sound to it. ”Oh, my. This is... You’re very, ah, padded.”

Karen gently pulled her around and said, ”show me?”

Yeah, plan ’Siobhan Puppet Vacation Fun’ was a go, and by the way she and the other two giggled at the replay, a complete success.

So in the morning, after breakfast, I got the kids all settled in doing stuff for the day. Lindsey had Ria, Alexandra, and Mazikeen helping her out in the fields. Something about Ria and Maze wanting to see how the fruit and veg were grown, and Alex wanting to show she had the Endurance to ’work in the fields all day’. I mean, yeah, she’s not really putting in the same kind of day the women are, but at the moment she’s putting her energy in a good direction. I’ll apply course correcting if she starts looking down on our farmer women or something. Menace had Daya and David in the stables with Baby and the Nightmares. Dionysus and Diana both were with them helping out, so I figured they had that handled.

So I nursed and pumped while I waited.

Like maybe half an hour before noon, Karen pinged me. We’ve a visitor on the dock, Goddess.

I detached from the girls, gave Marie a quick kiss as I handed them over, and popped on my uniform as I Blended and stepped behind Karen. A quick look showed me somebody who did not fit my mental image of Ivan Ivanov at all. When I think dock worker, I think big burly dudes. Not all of them with questionable grooming habits and enough hair to set Karen’s loins aflame, but neither of those would surprise me. This dude was obviously young.

I stepped forward and called out, ”c’mon up!”

He shook his head and waved me down. I turned to Karen, who shrugged and said, ”no idea.”

”Looks like an invite to me though.” She nodded, so I said, ”Co-Locate, Blend, follow me, please.” With that, I tromped down the boarding ramp. As I got a better look at the guy, I realized he was just a kid. A tall kid, but just a kid. When I closed to conversational distance, I said, ”hey. I’m guessing you’re my guide to wherever Ivanov is waiting?”

He nodded, waved me forward, and turned to walk down the dock. I couldn’t really do much at that point but follow and maybe rubberneck a little as we walked.

The docks were wooden. Definitely a change from the stone quays and jetties I’d gotten used to seeing in Phileo and Camden. They did make a neat trompy sound when my boots hit them though, not unlike the deck of the Tentacle class ships. When we got to the end of the dock, out to the street that ran along the harbor, I got a look at the buildings. Steep roofs, thick wooden beams, stone and... I know it wasn’t stucco, but I don’t know what it was. Some kind of mortar or clay, and I couldn’t tell what the underlying color would be, because everything had been painted over. Kinda made sense, if they had any kind of weather here, they’d want to protect whatever was behind the paint.

I followed the kid down the street a bit, then into an alley. Karen, let me know if anybody else shows up at the Tentacle, okay?

Yes, Goddess. You think this is a trap?

I shrugged as I took in a relatively clean alley. Like, not ’eat off the floor’ clean, but ’trash and garbage bagged or boxed and awaiting pickup’ clean. No dumpsters, but I got the feeling from, just, everything that Boltophsberg had been a generation or two behind Phileo when I arrived. Their ships showed that too, kinda small looking compared to my big Norfolk sailboats, and absolutely puny compared to the Questing Tentacle. If she had two of her sisters here, I’d say we owned half of the total tonnage in the harbor.

After like ten minutes of walking through increasingly twisty alleys, Karen thought, there are men following us.

Do they look like they’ve clocked you?

Hardly.

I thought while we walked across another broad street into a different alleyway. If they take a swing at me, put them down. Minimal injury, please. Otherwise, they can stare at my ass all day long.

She sighed. They’ve got a much better view.

I thought you liked big hairy guys.

Big and hairy does not equate to ugly. Also, I prefer my partners to have all their teeth.

Fair point.

At least twice over the next little while, I heard thumps and crashes behind me. Nothing huge, nothing like an actual fight, more like somebody tripping over something and hitting one of the garbage piles. Everything okay?

They’re not Heroes. Not even fighters, really. Just big guys. Which explains why they’re so clumsy, right?

I chuckled, and the kid half turned to me. ”Thought of something funny. Will we be there soon?” He nodded and kept leading. Y’know, between this and last night, I need to think up some kind of nice reward for you.

But why, though? Last night was incredible, and this is honestly kind of fun.

I think the funniest part of the whole thing had to be the fact that despite the kid obviously trying to get us lost by mostly going by alleyways, he never got too far from the harbor, and the main masts of the Questing Tentacle were tall enough that any time we had line of sight to the harbor, we could clearly make them out. After what had to be an hour, I thought, anyone else come to the ship yet?

No.

So I cleared my throat, and when the kid looked back at me said, ”I’ve enjoyed the tour, but unless you’re gonna maybe explain what the cultural significance of the local points of interest are, I’m not really getting much out of it at this point. So, y’know, maybe take us straight to Ivanov? Instead of the runaround?”

He looked at me, then very obviously looked around behind me. I didn’t bother looking, and he blanched a little bit, I guess when he realized that I was no in imminent danger of being waylaid by large men with hairy knuckles.

”Yeah, I run marathons for practice, too, so I’m not gonna wind up tired at the end of this so much as irritated. So. Ivanov? I promise you, if he tries to hurt you for bringing me to him, I will do whatever it takes to make sure you’re safe.”

He actually looked a little offended at that. Shook his head, a single harsh jerk, even. Then he sighed, turned, and waved for me to follow.

Fifteen minutes later, after walking mostly along the front street of the harbor all the way to one end, we got to what looked like a genuine medieval tavern. Sign outside above the door, couple steps down into a big main room with a bar in it, wooden pillars holding the roof up, the whole deal. The kid led me to a small table, barely big enough for two, set between the end of the bar and a door into what I guessed was the kitchen. The dude there did not strike me as a dock worker, but he wasn’t a kid, either. More a sailor, maybe. Not scrawny, but not super heavily muscled either. When he saw the kid with me behind him, his brows knotted a little. Before he said word one to me, he waved his hands in a few gestures.

Weirdest fucking thing in the world, knowing what he meant without knowing jack shit about the local sign language, if there even was anything formal like that. How did she react?

The kid’s only reply was a shrug that eloquently said without words, ’to what’ combined with ’I don’t fuckin’ know’.

Why did you lead her here then?

At that point I figured I’d keep the kid from any potential dressing down. ”Because I asked him very nicely, since I figured he wasn’t the one who decided to lead me on the not-very-scenic route through a bunch of alleys.” The guy turned to face me the moment I started speaking, his expression getting less happy as he realized my reply meant I’d understood him. ”Look, I’m a completely reasonable woman. Those could have been shortcuts, and those dudes who wanted to get handsy with me could have been local muggers tryna steal my bling. So I’m gonna just assume they were, say ’you’re welcome’ for helping clean up your streets a little so honest, hardworking sailors can take their shore leave safely, and...”

I let that hang until he growled out, ”and?”

I stuck my hand out, ”say ’nice to meet you’. I’m Tabitha Diaz. Champion, Patron, general ass kicker, and trash taker outer for the Alliance. Also now apparently diplomat. Ivan Ivanov, I presume?”