Data-Driven Daoist

“Y-You can talk?” Yu Han shouted back.

“Quiet down, Junior Brother,” the palace disciple warned. “This is a place of bonds, not arguments.”

Yu Han bowed. “My apologies. It’s just that—”

“Your little companion can communicate with you now.” The disciple smiled. “It means it must have high Mind or Spirit Origin. What you get from a Heavenly Friendship Accord often depends on esoteric factors. The possibility of smooth communication is not a bad reward.”

The crab tugged his pants harder. 「Hey. Hey? Hey! Big, round, two-legged one. Why can you talk sea-speak now? You couldn’t! You couldn’t, right? Am I going crazy? You don’t even have an accent. Why? I wanna know. Tell me!」

I’m the one going crazy here!

The crab’s voice had the bright, bubbly lilt of a child who’d just discovered something amazing. It reminded him uncannily of his six-year-old nephew back home—the same eager pitch, the same rapid-fire energy that came with wanting to know everything at once.

“Wait a second,” Yu Han said to the crab. It froze, then ran around in circles as if it had drank a full jug of coffee. Yu Han turned to the Palace Disciple. “May I ask if the Senior Brother can hear it?”

“Him, Junior Brother. Spirit Beasts are not objects,” the palace disciple said. “And no, the accord exists between you and him. You communicate not fully through words but through a direct linkage of minds. Whilst I can hear what you say, the crab’s tongue is unknown to me.”

“Hey, crab!” Yu Han stopped the out-of-control UFO with legs. “Can you understand what the honoured Senior Brother said?”The crab turned its eyestalks at him. It—he—pointed a pincer at the palace disciple.「The tall two-legged being? The one with the square shell on its head? The one sitting on the mangled corpse of the branchy one in the green expanses?」

“…If you mean a hat and a chair, then yes.”

「No! It must be still young, since it is so thin. Do two-legged ones grow taller or wider when they’re adults? Hey! Tell me. Are you fully grown, big two-legged one?」

“Did you just call me fat?” Yu Han’s veins bulged. “You little—” Shit.

“Kindly vacate the area if you are done,” the palace disciple said. “May your accord be strong and long-lasting. Bond with your companion Spirit Beast elsewhere.”

Yu Han apologised again and grabbed the crab. He moved past an old man holding the leash of an equally old sheepdog. The crab clicked his pincers at the dog, and the dog barked.

「Are the two-legged ones smarter than the four-legged furry ones? She can’t speak sea-speak, but she can speak, and I can understand. She says that her two-legged one is smart. Are you smart? You’re smarter than the white-haired, hunching two-legged one, aren’t—」

“Jesus, can you keep it quiet?” Yu Han said. “I’ll answer all your questions if you answer mine. But later—my friends are waiting.”

The crab jumped on Yu Han’s shoulder and patted his head. 「My two-legged one is the best. It already has friends. Do you need me to tell you how to make better friends? You go in the large path between waters and hide like a rock, and the two-legged ones will come to you and—」 ȑàＮö𝖇Ęṣ

“Hey, tubs, why the long face?” Li Yao laughed.

“He won’t shut up,” Yu Han said.

“He can talk now?” Huang Niuniu’s eyes sparkled, her mouth opening in an O-shape before turning into a wide smile. She took the crab and asked him, “You can talk?”

「Let me go, softer two-legged one! My wider two-legged one will be jealous. Wait, why are you softer than my two-legged one? He has more soft bits. How can you survive without a shell—」

“I’m the only one who understands it,” Yu Han said, rolling his eyes. “It’s a perk of the Heavenly Friendship Accord. Like Fang Zhao said.”

The boy in question nodded. “Many such bonding rituals with Spirit Beasts grant the ability to talk with them. Can you understand it fully?”

「—And then I said that crabs are the best, but old grandpa sea-turtle said that his shell is stronger—」 the creature, now small as a kitten, blubbered into Huang Niuniu’s ear. It was a strange juxtaposition of clicking and low growling on the outside, but “inside,” Yu Han could hear what he said perfectly.

“Just about. At least, I understand the words, but after stringing them together, I’m not sure how much sense it makes,” Yu Han whispered to Fang Zhao. “I think he might be stupid.”

「Who? My two-legged wide one. Point with your five-pronged pincers to the stupid two-legged one! I’ve never seen one before.」 The crab hopped off Huang Niuniu’s shoulder and landed with a clack.

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Click!

Click click!

Yu Han pointed at the crab.

「Silly two-legged one. I’m an eight-legged, hard-shelled one. Is it under me?」 The crab extended one eyestalk to look below him.

“We can ask him questions,” Yu Han said. “He should be able to answer.”

That was the main reason why Fang Zhao suggested coming to the Heavenly Friendship Palace in the first place.

「Do you want me to grow as big as you, two-legged one?」

“I have a name.”

「Me too! What’s your name?」

“Yu Han. What’s yours?”

The crab stopped on the stairs leading down to the pier and glanced at Yu Han. His eyestalks rotated on their axis clockwise, then counterclockwise.

「What’s my name?」 He shook his body. 「Maybe I don’t have one. Did I lie to you? Hey, did I? Why?」

“Oh.” Yu Han covered his mouth.

“What is it?” Huang Niuniu asked. She’d been dying to know what he and the crab were chatting about.

“He doesn’t remember his name,” Yu Han said.

“Poor thing,” the girl picked up the crab and nestled him in her arms. Strangely, the crab retracted into a boxy rock, falling silent.

Is he sad? Yu Han pondered. He now had a companion. Not a pet, but a strange, equal connection with a mysterious being. He wasn’t a dog or a cat, but a crab.

Active Accords: 1

Name: ***

Type: Spirit Beast

Species: Cerebrant Collector Crab

Level: 10

Arts: 4

Traits: 2

A crab with the name ***.

And a level of freaking ten. He could probably take a hundred Yu Hans in a fight. In the Rookie Cheat Sheets, it mentioned that the average level of Rookies after a year would be four or five. The talented ones would be around six or seven, and only the absolute geniuses and black horses the Elders had somehow overlooked—intentionally or unintentionally—might be at Level 8 and higher. In living memory of the author, there had not been anyone who had broken through to Qi Gathering in a year.

It was a shame that one couldn’t use Spirit Beasts in the main tournament, but apparently there were spin-off tournaments to show off their prowess, with their own rewards.

Yu Han was quiet on the way back, his mind rife with Huang Niuniu’s stalkers, the crab, the coming Hidden Realm excursion, and the rewards they would get from Elder Chang and the Gorge-Crawling Earthworm Tribe.

As they got down from the boat, Yu Han came to a decision.

“We’ll give you a name,” he said to the crab.

「But I already have one. I bet it’s an awesome name.」 He poked an eyestalk out. He was still in Huang Niuniu’s embrace. 「I’ll remember it in no time. Maybe it’s in one of the bubble pearls I left in another dream? That could be it, right, Yu Han? Yu Han is such a weird name. I bet my name is better.」

“But we’ll still need some way to refer to you. It’s disrespectful to keep calling you Crab.”

「Why? I am a crab.」 He clicked a pincer.

“Us humans find it disrespectful. I don’t like it when someone calls me a wide two-legged one. Calling me an average-sized two-legged one is fine but the using my name, my unique identifier, is the best.”

“Is that what he’s been calling us?” Huang Niuniu asked. She angled the crab so that their eyes met and emphasised, “I. Am Huang. Niuniu. You can call me Niu’er!”

The crab’s eyestalks rotated towards Yu Han.

「The soft one speaks to me. Does she know my name?」

Yu Han shook his head. The crab visibly drooped. It shrank even smaller.

“Why do you keep shrinking and expanding?” Yu Han asked.

「The world looks big when I’m small. It looks small when I’m big. I get bored if the world looks the same. Hey, Yu Han. Han Yu? Yu Han! Can I get my new name now?」

They walked through the marketplace. The afternoon was coming to an end.

“I’ll drop by the butchery,” Li Yao said. “Meet you at the Night Alchemist’s Yard tonight?” He then leaned in and whispered, “There’s another stalker. Appeared when we got down from the boat. I’ll see what I can sniff out.”

They nodded. When they reached the Halls, Fang Zhao was ready to depart too.

“I’ll head over to the Mission Hall too,” Fang Zhao said. “I’ll have to let them know that I can’t continue as a porter. I’ll be selecting another Internal Sect Mission.”

The red-eyed boy peered at the crab and said in a low voice, “With his level, if you’re planning to bring him to the Hidden Realm, our safety would be guaranteed.”

“I thought you’d rather fight everything head-on,” Yu Han said.

“Did I look that desperate?” Fang Zhao stared, dumbfounded.

“Like the whole world owed you a billion spirit stones.”

“That’s not too much.” Fang Zhao let out a bitter laugh. “Not the world, but this damn… thing… should owe me trillions.” He carefully touched the crab and got a light pincer tug in return.

「Hey, Yu Han! I think this red-pearl-socketed one likes me. Does it want my shell? Tell it the shell’s mine, but I can find one for it.」

“See you guys tonight.” Fang Zhao left at a brisk pace.

「It left. What did it say? Your two-legged land-speak is so weird.」

“He. His name is Fang Zhao. The previous two-legged one is called Li Yao. Fang Zhao said that you’ll keep us safe in the Hidden Realm.”

「They’re males? How? Hidden Realm? Where is that? Do you think the Hidden Realm knows what’s written in the dried dragon skin parchment?」

The what now? Yu Han lost his breath. He hurriedly said, “Maybe.”

「Yay!」

They walked back to the hut. It was a surprisingly sunny day, as it didn’t rain again.

“Do you like it when I call you Han’er?” Huang Niuniu asked.

“Only my parents called me that,” Yu Han replied.

“It fits, then. Mother will call you Han’er.” She giggled. Then she glared sternly at him. “I’m angry.”

“Why?”

“You introduced Li Yao and Fang Zhao, but not me.”

“Say please.”

She pinched him.

「Hey, Yu Han, what’s the soft one called? Does it have a name? Why is it clawing you?」

Yu Han chuckled.

“What’s so funny?”

「Hey, why are you laughing?」

“The soft one was angry that I didn’t introduce her to you. Then you asked for her name.”

The crab stared at her, the orange pupils in his eyestalks gaping. Huang Niuniu looked down, her own eyes sparkling like clear water.

“She’s called Huang Niuniu,” Yu Han said.

「It’s a she?」 The crab wiggled in her embrace. 「How? Why? Since when? Is she a soft Huang Niuniu? Are there harder ones out there with shells?」

Yu Han cackled. It wasn’t so bad, having this crab around. Others might have gotten annoyed at so many questions, but it reminded him of his past life. When Johan was younger, he asked so many questions that even the teachers got annoyed. He’d been accused of not being able to read the room or giving his classmates a fair chance to speak. Bullcrap was what it really was.

They reached Yu Han’s hut when the sun had just about gone down. The crab clicked and clacked on the floor, then grew until he was the size of a basketball.

「Give it to me,」 he said. 「My new name!」