To heal a Rogue

BONNIE

I dragged a hand over my face, the frustration burning behind my eyes. ”It’s hard. I’m trying to process all of this at once. I’m supposed to think about a father I know nothing about. A man I’ve never met, never seen, don’t even have a picture of. I’m supposed to wonder what he did, why he was cursed, why she cursed him, and why his name was forbidden from being spoken or something shit.”

My voice faltered.

”And then there are these victims. Who are they? What did I have to do with them? Why was I created for them? Why did I need to exist if I wasn’t even supposed to?”

Fia’s expression softened.

”Forget all of that for a moment.”

I frowned.

”Not forever,” she clarified. ”Just for now. You have one clue you can actually get an answer to.”

My eyes narrowed slightly. ”Which is?”

”She tried to tell you his name.”

I stared at her.

Fia slowly shook her head. ”You keep looking at everything she said as though you need to understand all of it at once. You don’t. Start with the one thing you know was important enough that something stopped her from saying it.”

Her eyes moved over my face, studying me.

”Ask yourself why.”

”Why?” I echoed.

”Why was his name the thing she couldn’t say?”

Her voice dropped. ”Why would simply speaking it be dangerous enough to make her bleed? Why would she risk breaking her vow just to try?”

She swallowed.

”And why would she risk everything to reach you? What makes you worth that risk?”

The question hit like a slap. I sat back on my heels, the anger draining out of me, leaving something cold and empty behind.

”I don’t know.” I whispered it. ”She said I persevered. That I became something unexpected. And that I needed a push in the right direction.” I laughed, but there was no humor in it. ”She pushed, all right. She pushed me right off a cliff.”

Fia reached out and took my hand. Her fingers were cold, but her grip was firm.

”You said she said not to fear your power.” Fia said slowly, working through it.

”Yes. The red. The small miracles. She called them everything I needed. Everything I was. But I’ve killed people with the red.” I said it flatly. ”I’ve disintegrated them. That’s not power to embrace. That’s power to fear. To cage.”

”She said—”

”I know what she said.” I pulled my hand free, not unkindly. ”But she also said my father was cursed for something he did. Something terrible. And that he let suffering continue for decades. Decades, Fia. What kind of man does that? What kind of blood runs in my veins?”

Fia had no answer for that. We sat in silence, the sunlight slanting across the floor between us, dividing the room into light and shadow.

”She mentioned victims.” Fia said finally. ”Victims of circumstances. And that you were created to give them a chance. A chance at what? Salvation? Survival?”

”I don’t know.” I stood up. My reflection in the mirror caught my eye, pale and wild-eyed, and I didn’t recognize myself. ”I don’t know anything anymore. I thought I was just a girl with cursed magic. A girl who got her mother killed by accident. Who killed a Beta and sentinels in a cell. Who doesn’t know her place in the world.”

I turned away from the mirror.

”But it turns out I’m not supposed to exist.”

I rubbed at my eyes, suddenly aware of how heavy they felt. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept properly. Maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe exhaustion was making everything louder, making every thought sharper and every possibility more terrifying than it needed to be.

Or maybe I was finally thinking about the one thing I hadn’t allowed myself to.

If I wasn’t supposed to exist, then what had my existence cost?

The goddess had said she’d abandoned me to see whether I’d become like my father. To see if I’d break the way he had. Which meant my mother...

My stomach twisted.

Had my mother died because of some divine test? Had the goddess watched everything happen, watched my life unravel, just to find out whether I would become some monster I’d never even met?

And if I had never been born, would my mother still be alive?

The thought was cruel. Unfair. I knew that. But knowing that didn’t make it disappear.

”And my father is some kind of monster,” I laughed and it sounded closer to a sob.”Apparently cursed by a goddess. And that same goddess broke divine law just to tell me not to be afraid. It’s insane. All of it.”

Fia stood up more steadily this time. She crossed to me and placed her hands on my shoulders, forcing me to face her.

”Bonnie.” Her voice was firm, commanding. The voice of an Alpha’s bride, of a woman who had survived her own trials. ”Listen to me. Whatever you are, whatever your father was or is, you are not him. You have proven that. You have persevered, as she said. Through suffering I cannot imagine. Through loneliness and fear and violence.”

Her eyes held mine, grounding me.

”And if Lady Selene herself broke the law of gods to speak to you, to tell you to embrace your power, then perhaps it’s time you stopped running from it. Perhaps it’s time you learned what it can truly do.”

I looked at her, this woman who had become a friend in such a short time, who had let a goddess use her body just to reach me.

”She said I might not see her again until I do what I’m supposed to do.” I swallowed hard. ”But I don’t know what that is. I don’t know where to start.”

Fia squeezed my shoulders. ”You start by not being alone. You start by letting yourself be helped. By letting your powers in. By letting Lysander in. By letting me in.”

She released me and stepped back, a small smile touching her lips despite everything.

”You are more than you believed. More than an accident. More than a curse.” She gestured toward the dresser, toward the hairbrush still sitting there, innocent and ordinary. ”If you listened to what she said, you would know you have something now. You have the gift of small miracles. A gift you claimed you have never used. You have whatever else is waiting inside you. And now you have the knowledge that a goddess believes in you enough to risk everything.”

I looked at the hairbrush. I thought about the translucent bubble, the weightless suspension, the impossible made possible and perhaps it was stupid. Perhaps it was hopeless, but hope or the lack of it had never once stopped me from trying anything in my life. I reached for the hairbrush without touching it, the way I imagined reaching for warmth, for the pulse of something that had always been mine and never had a name.