The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 111: Chapter 111 - Don’t Go

Claire’s lips trembled. ”I don’t know what I mean.”

Roxie gave a broken laugh. ”Yes, you do.”

Claire’s eyes watered again. She pressed both hands to her head. ”I was nineteen. I was tired. I was alone. You cried all the time. Your father was gone. My mother kept telling me I was doing everything wrong. I couldn’t breathe in this house. I couldn’t breathe with you. I couldn’t breathe anywhere.”

Roxie’s voice came out thin. ”So you took me away.”

”I took my child.”

”You took me from the only person who loved me.”

Claire slapped the table.

The sound made Roxie flinch.

”Don’t say that to me.”

”It’s true.”

”No, it isn’t.” Claire was crying hard now. Her face was red. Her hair stuck to her cheeks. ”You think she was some saint? She wanted to take you. She wanted to fix her mistakes with you. She wanted a second chance because I was the daughter she messed up.”

”At least she wanted me.”

Claire’s face snapped toward her.

Roxie knew it was cruel.

She said it anyway.

”At least Grandma wanted me.”

Claire’s breath shook.

Then she laughed.

It sounded wrong.

Low and cracked and close to breaking.

”Yes,” Claire said. ”She wanted you. Everybody wanted you when you were small. Nobody had to hear you talk yet.”

Roxie flinched again.

Claire pointed at her. ”Now look at you. Standing here like a judge. Holding that little book like evidence. Like you finally caught the monster.”

”You’re acting like one.”

Claire moved fast.

Roxie backed into the counter.

Claire got close enough that Roxie smelled smoke on her breath.

”I kept you alive,” Claire said. ”Every time I wanted to leave, I stayed. Every time I wanted to put you somewhere and walk away, I didn’t. Every time I looked at you and saw him, I still fed you.”

Roxie’s stomach rolled.

That was her mother’s proof of love.

Roxie started shaking. ”Stop,” Roxie whispered.

Claire kept going. ”You want me to clap because you found paper? You want me to bow because that woman hid it in a stupid photo album?”

”Stop.”

”You have her house now. Happy?”

”Stop.”

”You won, Roxie.”

Roxie covered her ears.

Claire’s voice still came through.

”You won before you even knew there was a fight.”

Roxie screamed.

”Stop talking.”

Claire went quiet.

Roxie lowered her hands.

Her breath came fast. Her face was soaked. Her chest felt tight enough to crack.

Claire stood in front of her, breathing hard.

The deed lay open on the table between them.

Roxie stared at it.

The house was hers.

Her grandmother had tried to protect her.

Claire had tried to sell it.

And still Roxie wanted the woman in front of her to say she was sorry. To hold her. To tell her she said ugly things because she was hurt, not because she believed them.

Roxie looked at Claire’s face.

There was anger there.

There was grief.

There was resentment so old it had grown roots.

There was no love Roxie could reach.

Roxie wiped her face with both hands.

Her voice came out raw. ”Get out.”

Claire blinked.

Roxie pointed at the door. ”Get out of my house.”

Claire stared at her.

Then she laughed.

”Please.”

”I’ll call the police.”

”You?” Claire looked her up and down. ”You can barely stand.”

”I’ll call them.”

”And tell them what?” Claire grabbed her purse from the chair. ”That your mother stayed too long in the house she should’ve gotten?”

”I’ll tell them you tried to sell a house with my name on it.”

Claire’s face changed.

Roxie used the last of her anger and screamed again.

”Get out.”

Claire shoved the lighter into her purse. ”Fine.”

Roxie’s whole body went cold.

The word scared her more than the yelling.

Claire moved toward the door.

Roxie stood there, still pointing, but her arm started to lower.

Claire reached the doorknob.

Roxie’s anger fell apart so fast it made her dizzy.

”Wait.”

Claire opened the door.

Cold air pushed into the kitchen.

Roxie stepped forward. ”Mom, wait.”

Claire went onto the porch.

Panic took over.

Roxie dropped the deed on the table and ran after her. The picture book slipped from her arm and hit the floor, pages spreading open, but she kept moving.

She caught Claire by the sleeve at the doorway.

”Mom, wait.”

Claire jerked her arm. ”Get off me.”

Roxie held on with both hands. ”Please.”

”You told me to leave.”

”I know.” Roxie’s voice broke. ”I know. I’m sorry.”

Claire turned on her. ”Now you’re sorry?”

Roxie nodded fast. Tears blurred her mother’s face. ”I’m sorry. I was angry. I didn’t mean it.”

Claire’s laugh came out cruel. ”You meant it.”

”I’m scared,” Roxie said.

The truth came out before she could hide it.

Claire stared at her.

Roxie’s hands tightened on her sleeve. ”I’m scared, Mom.”

Claire looked down at Roxie’s hands, then back at her face.

Roxie hated how she sounded.

She hated that she was begging the same woman who had just said it would have been easier if she disappeared.

But Claire was halfway out the door, and the house suddenly felt huge behind her.

”Please stay,” Roxie said. ”Just tonight.”

Claire’s jaw tightened.

”Please.” Roxie’s voice shook so hard the word almost broke apart. ”I’ll put the paper away. I’ll stop yelling. I’ll clean the kitchen. I’ll do whatever. Just come back inside.”

Claire stared at her.

Roxie started sobbing.

Loud this time.

Ugly.

She pressed her forehead against Claire’s arm because standing up straight felt impossible.

”I need you,” she cried. ”Mom, I need you. Please don’t leave me here.”

Claire stiffened.

Roxie held tighter. Her fingers dug into the sleeve, into Claire’s arm underneath. ”I know I said get out. I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.”

Claire did not touch her.

Roxie felt it.

Her own mother stood stiff under her hands like Roxie was something clinging to her clothes.

”Look at you,” Claire said.

Roxie froze against her arm.

Claire’s voice was lower now. Meaner because it was calm. ”You scream at me. You threaten me. You wave that paper in my face. Then the second I leave, you cry.”

Roxie pulled back enough to look at her. ”Because you’re my mom.”

Claire’s mouth tightened. ”You only want me when you’re scared.”

”That’s not true.”

”It is.” Claire’s eyes moved over Roxie’s wet face. ”You want someone to stand there while you hate them.”

Roxie shook her head. ”No.”

”You want me to stay so you can punish me.”

”No.” Roxie shook her head. ”Please don’t leave me.”

Claire grabbed Roxie’s wrists.

Roxie sucked in a breath.

Claire peeled her fingers off one by one.

Roxie tried to hold on, but her hands were shaking too badly.

”Mom, please.”

Claire freed one arm.

Roxie reached again.

Claire pushed her hand away.

”Stop embarrassing yourself,” Claire said.

Roxie went still.

Her breath caught in her throat.

Claire stepped back onto the porch.

Roxie stood in the doorway with her hands half raised, fingers curled around nothing.

Roxie’s chest folded in on itself. She made a sound she could not stop, a small broken sound that came from somewhere deeper than crying.

Claire stepped down from the porch.

Roxie stumbled after her. ”Mom.”

Claire kept walking.

”Mom, wait.”

Claire reached the yard.

Roxie’s knees felt weak. She grabbed the porch post.

”Please come back,” she cried.

Claire reached the sidewalk.

Roxie’s voice tore out of her. ”Mom!”

Claire kept walking.

Roxie stayed on the porch, barefoot and shaking, the open door behind her spilling kitchen light across the steps.