Soccer Supremo - A Sports Progression Fantasy

8.

Red Army is a hard-hitting Wrexham AFC podcast, unique in that club’s media ecosystem since criticism of Ryan Reynolds is expected. The podcast has a Discord server open to its Patreon supporters. One of the channels on the server is called Always Bet on Best, in which gambling tips are discussed and explained. Given the nature of the topic, the server - and this chapter - is for over 18s only.

***

Sunday, August 15

ButteryCrumpets

My poor form continues. After going against your advice and backing Saltney in the second leg (what was I thinking?!), I’ve been losing bet after bet. I’ve had a shocking weekend.

Saint Derfel

Why did you bet on The Bordermen to win when they were 5-1 up from the first leg and a hundred people in here told you Best would bin the second leg off?

ButteryCrumpets

Because he was on that Polish YouTube channel about the coefficients! What was that if it wasn’t a signal that he wants to know what getting more points will do for him? That ranking stuff is all about how you need to scrap for every point, isn’t it?

And Saltney have got a week between matches. Why would he think about resting players? Why wouldn’t he want to play and bag himself more goals?

Saint Derfel

Mate. I’ll admit the coefficient thing threw us for a loop but we knew he wouldn’t go on the pitch unless it was desperate and we certainly knew he wouldn’t be going all-out for the win.

BeardedWonderwall

Please don’t rehash all this again. Crumpets, you’ve forgotten the golden rule of ABOB. You never, ever bet unless you’ve got an edge. Otherwise you’re just giving money to the bookies.

ButteryCrumpets

I know, I know. I got into some bad habits. Tomorrow night’s a good time to reset, I suppose, because Saltney have no chance against Celtic. And we haven’t heard from BrokenGround about any inside info.

BeardedWonderwall

No, there’s nothing doing. Dylan said Best had got a block of about 200 seats for all his mates and he would be there with Bonnie, Angel, Saltney’s women’s team, and loads of the Chester mob. But no juicy gossip or anything.

Best is winding up the Celtic fans and he keeps mentioning LinkedIn for some reason, but he was properly gutted at the end of the last match when those injuries were fresh on his mind. He isn’t giving the vibes of someone who thinks he can win.

Also, the home match is at our stadium and it’s going to be at least 90% Celtic fans so it’s like an away game.

ButteryCrumpets

Okay that’s what I thought. So what we’ve got is a competent Saltney Town team with three of their best players injured, who are up against the biggest club in Scotland, one of the biggest clubs in Europe, massive stadium, massive budget. Saltney are something like 10 to 1 to win, which is so, so juicy, but that’s throwing money away. Unless anyone has any ideas up their sleeve?

DubaiGuy

Betting on Saltney to beat Celtic with the information we have is equivalent to approaching a billionaire and begging him to take the contents of your wallet.

ButteryCrumpets

Wait, how are all the Chester people gonna be there? Don’t they have a midweek match?

DubaiGuy

That’s on Wednesday. Crystal Palace away.

ButteryCrumpets

Oh, so Best will be in charge for that one...

DubaiGuy

Betting on Chester to beat Crystal Palace with the information we have is equivalent to approaching a billionaire and begging him to take the contents of your wallet.

ButteryCrumpets

You’re right, you’re right.

DubaiGuy

Please don’t chase your losses.

***

Monday, August 16

BrokenGround

Lads, action stations! Stuff’s going down. I’ve been activated!

ButteryCrumpets

Yes! Get in!

BrokenGround

It might be nothing but instead of trying to remember everything at the end, I’ll assume it’s going somewhere and I’ll type it here as it happens.

TexanWrexun

Aw, yeah! Daddy Dylan’s story time!

RetiredRed

Put Dylan in the Welsh Sport Hall of Fame right now!

***

BrokenGround

Right, this is a strange one.

RetiredRed

You write that every time you start one of these stories!

BrokenGround

Haha. I’m not sure this one’s gonna lead to much, though.

Celtic fans have gone crazy buying tickets for tomorrow’s match and it’s looking like they’re gonna flood The Racecourse. It’s turning into a must-do event for Celtic fans because we (Wrex) have been making it easy for virtually anyone to buy tickets.

There will be Celtic’s usual away contingent, which is massive, plus lads who can’t normally get tickets to Celtic Park, or ones who live in the south and can’t get back up every weekend, plus apparently loads from Ireland who are taking the ferry over. It’s like a Scots army on the march!

And when something’s popular, it attracts lowlifes.

Stoop

Like flies to shit.

BrokenGround

Touts have been buying tickets by the dozen and reselling them, outright scammers are on the job, and maybe the worst of all - TikTok cretins. I just talked to the Brig and Briggy (Chester security) and they’ve heard that a couple of those cretins have announced that they’ve got tickets and they’re coming down to Wrex, where they’ll be invading the pitch and filming the whole thing.

Stoop

Christ on a bike. What do they get out of that?

Saint Derfel

Clicks. Likes. A hotter level of hell.

RetiredRed

The idea of a yobbo running onto the pitch, delaying the game, filming himself, thinking it’s funny is so incredibly stupid I’m beyond angry. I’m actually livid right now. Why is everyone so nothing and pathetic these days?

BrokenGround

I can’t pretend to understand the mindset of such people but it’s got me a bit of extra work. The Brig wants me around to be an extra pair of eyes looking after Max, especially since it’s going to be a hostile atmosphere and he has been winding the Celtic fans up.

I’m at Bumpers now hoping to bump into Max.

BeardedWonderwall

Ask why he keeps going on about LinkedIn.

***

BrokenGround

Okay, I found him! He was by the side of the new gym, lying on his back, throwing a tennis ball against the wall and catching it.

I asked him what he was doing and he said, ’Goalkeeper training.’

If you’re new to the Max Best Universe, you might not know that he was an amazing goalie before he got whacked on the head. ’You’re that much recovered, are you? It’s all coming back?’

’Celtic might go to pennos and if it does, I was thinking I might go in goal. Sticky’s good but I know which way players are gonna shoot, so...’

’You’ve been talking about pens as your best chance.’

’Yeah.’

’You’re not confident, then?’

’Confident,’ he says, holding onto the ball. ’Conf. What’s the root of that? Conference. Confluence. Wait, I remember people in Germany kept saying comfortable when they meant confident. Does being confident mean you’re comfortable being yourself?’

That’s what happens when I try to get hints. ’It’s going to rain in a bit. Don’t you wish you had put roofs to connect the buildings?’ That’s something Bonnie always says about how Bumpers was designed. She hates getting her hair wet.

’No. I want the guys out in the cold, in the rain, the snow. Most football clubs want their dudes playing football and nothing else. That’s why they do everything for the players, like booking dentists for them, filling in all their paperwork, just making their lives super easy so they can focus on football.’

’That sounds great.’

’No, it sounds like a dystopian nightmare. Imagine you’re 35, your last contract expires, you’re rich and famous, but you don’t know how to book a dentist and you can’t remember the feel of snow. Fuck that. I want human beings here, not robots. Here, you get rained on same as everyone else in Chester. What’s so special about you? Nothing. Learn that. Train hard, play well, keep perspective.’

Sounds vaguely defeatist to me. Not rushing out to place a bet after hearing that! ’The Brig told me about these TikTok clowns. Why don’t you just block them from the stadium?’

’Nah, I want them to invade the pitch. They think it’s cool and they’re gonna look like legends in their shitty little community. Instead, we’re going to humiliate them in front of millions.’ He turns to face me. ’When you grab the guy, when you’re grappling with him and trying to carry him off the pitch, you might end up accidentally pulling his pants down.’

’The Brig didn’t say anything about that.’

’The Brig has enough on his plate, which is why I haven’t even told him about the other half of the stunt.’

’The other half? What’s that?’

’Don’t worry about it. Here’s how your bit goes. Knobhead runs onto the pitch, nearest steward or security dude tackles him. You’re on the scene as fast as poss, you rough the guy up a bit, while he’s struggling, oops! Who let the dogs out? The TV cameras will cut away but I’ve got half a documentary crew ready to preserve the moment for posterity.’

’You’re not going to put his posterity on social media, are you?’

Max laughs. ’Brilliant, Dylan. You’re fast, sometimes. Not on a football pitch, sadly.’

BeardedWonderwall

A gobby Englishman hiring a Welsh soldier to humiliate a Scottish influencer is agonisingly close to being the most amazing sentence ever written.

LongThrowAGoGo

Hi all, I’m new here. I have a question about the whole ’do we like Max Best’ thing. This Discord was raging when Wrex went to the Deva and he was being a dick. I can’t wrap my head around the etiquette.

Stoop

It’s surprisingly simple. When it’s Wrexham v Chester, he’s a dick, he’s an idiot, he’s the worst person in the world. That part’s obvious.

Do you know that meme that goes ’Heartbreaking news! Someone you really hate said something you really agree with’? That’s Max Best in a nutshell. That’s why, the day after we went to the Deva, there were guys saying, okay he’s a knob but can we talk about these fake injuries Stefan Sommer has got us doing because they wind me up too.

In general channels, he’s the pantomime villain. In the Welsh Footy channel, he’s loved. In the betting channel, he’s adored.

LongThrowAGoGo

The Welsh Footy thing I get but the betting channel loves him because...?

Stoop

Because if you play your cards right you can earn a decent wedge. BUT it requires a lot of reading the entrails and wondering why he’s doing things. That has the unfortunate side-effect of making you quite like him. If you stick around, you’ll see what we mean. Or not. I wanted to spin this off into a closed group ages ago so if you want to keep hating him, that’s fine. The longer the bookies give stupid odds because they don’t realise how he works, the better for us.

Me when it comes to the Celtic game? I’m fascinated by the LinkedIn stuff. Pretending not to know the difference between the two big Glasgow teams is par for the course with him. (See also: calling Nottingham Forest Notts Forest, calling Tottenham Tottingham, refusing to include the A in AFC Wrexham etc etc.)

You can say he’s annoying Celtic as a way to drive ticket sales. (By the way, has there ever been a better marketing campaign than what he’s done this past 7 days? Tens of thousands of Scottish people want to wipe the smug English grin off his face so they’re paying him 30 quid a pop for the privilege. Don’t they realise that money’s going into his pocket?!)

But the LinkedIn comments seem intended to rile Declan O’Donnell, Celtic’s manager, and in my opinion Best would only bother to do that if he thought he had a shot at winning.

BeardedWonderwall

I agree and I want to think there’s something coming but Saltney have too many injuries. Could be a defensive masterclass, play for penalties, but over 180 minutes plus extra time? I don’t see it. Best isn’t stupid. They will need at least one goal over the two legs and where’s that coming from? I’m gonna stop because BG has been typing for ages.

BrokenGround

While I’m there talking to him, two people rock up. It’s Bones, Chester’s Team Doctor, and Dean, Head Physio. They aren’t surprised to find him there.

’Max,’ says Dean, ’We’ve been to check out the thing. It’s great!’

’If we can afford it,’ says Bones, ’I would recommend it. There is a lot of upside.’

’Did you try it?’ says Max.

’Yes!’ says Bones, with a big smile.

’It’s great fun,’ says Dean. ’Useful, fun, crazy expensive. It’s the most Max Best tool ever!’

They wait patiently while he just lies there. It feels dramatic when he finally turns his head. ’Dylan, are you still all messed up?’

Not a very charming question in front of a woman I barely know, but I have to be honest. If you don’t know, he’s referring to wounds I suffered in the army. ’I have good days and bad days.’

He lies there for another while, then throws the tennis ball straight up. Or he tries to. It veers off to the side and he can’t reach. ’Aww,’ he says.

Physio Dean kicks it closer.

Max grabs it, throws it up, catches it safely. He closes his eyes. ’Let’s do it. Make up some excuse so Dylan can use it, though.’

Dean looks at me. ’Training members of staff on how to use the machine. Dylan’s our guinea pig.’

Max nods. ’That’s your biggest bosh of the season, mate, and you’ve already had a few. I’ll call MD to release the funds. Will you get the space ready?’

’Yes, boss,’ says Bones, and it’s weird to hear her call this much younger guy ’boss’, but that’s the culture.

The two medical people walk off, really happy, but I don’t know what’s just happened. ’What just happened?’ I say, because I’m incredibly creative.

Max goes back to throwing the ball at the wall. ’There’s this thing called a zero gravity treadmill. It’s like a treadmill in space. You wear these special shorts and clip into a harness, then your legs are in this sort of plastic chamber that inflates. I suppose it pressurises or something. Meanwhile, the harness is supporting your weight. You start the belt going and after all that effort comes effortlessness. You feel like you’re floating.’

’Floating,’ I say, dreamily.

’You jog and the physios make it so that you’re only holding 20% of your body weight or whatever number is right for you. It’s hard to explain and it looks pretty rubbish and amateur in the videos but it’s actually top. If you’ve got an injury that’s stopping you from running, we can put you in this thing and get you going again much earlier. We can increase the amounts every day, ease you back in, accelerate your recovery. If you’re having one of your bad days but you want to train, come to Bumpers and you’ll be able to go flat out with no pain.’

’That’s incredible!’

’Yeah.’

’Why don’t you already have one?’

’Because just one of these things costs 40,000 pounds.’

’Holy shit! For a treadmill?’

’I know. I was a tiny bit uncertain about it. We could wait a season but I decided to do it now so the physios can get used to using it.’

’Can I really use it? I can never tell when you’re joking.’

’I want you to use it. If we can fix you, mate, we can deal with a fucking ACL, do you know what I mean?’

’Max, I don’t know what to say.’

’Don’t say anything, you prick. Stop interrupting me! I was saying I want my guys to get used to using it because everything’s about being ready for next season. I want to smash into the Prem, mate. We’re building nicely. Gonna bring this place to the boil just at the right time.’

’This place? Bumpers?’

’Chester. The whole fucking city, Dylan. If I can get everything all moving in one direction - players, staff, training, marketing - we can go to the moon. But I’ll need a bit more money than I will probably have. I’ve been on all kinds of fan forums recently. I just pop in and check out the vibe, do you know what I mean? Almost every fan base says they need a striker or a backup striker. There’s a chronic shortage of goalscorers! I’m not selling Gabby but I could imagine cashing in on Dazza next summer to finance our push to the Prem. But could I train up, like, six strikers at the same time?’

’Forums, is it? Have you been on Wrexham’s, ha ha?’

He gives me an intense look. Does he know about this chat room or not? Sometimes I’m 100% sure he does! ’Have I been on rectum’s what?’

’Ha ha! You’ve been on Celtic’s, though.’

’Yeah. I wanted to know how they feel about the club right now. They seem to be more mad at the board than DOD.’

’DOD?’

’Declan O’Donnell.’

’Right. The manager.’

’It’s the typical man-in-the-pub analysis of their club. Spend more money! This one time, they might have a point, but the problem is Celtic win the league every year. What, exactly, is the incentive to spend more? So you get thrashed by Real Madrid in the Champions League knockout round instead of getting thrashed by Real Betis in the Europa League knockout round? They’re probably maximising the club’s profits and doing it with a very low level of risk.’ He goes quiet.

’I noticed you’ve been more vocal in the media this week and you keep banging on about LinkedIn.’

For the first time, he rolls onto his side and props himself up, very happy and excited that I’ve noticed his brilliant ploy. ’You saw that? Ha ha! It’s great, isn’t it?’

’I noticed it,’ I say, careful not to lie, ’but I can’t say I understood it.’

’All it is, right, is that the Celtic fans don’t like DOD’s demeanour. The way he talks. He’s so corporate, you know? Buzzwords.

‘He doesn’t say ’the team’ or ’the squad’, he says ’the group’. He talks about processes, not wins. He talks about believing in his methods, says that plan B is to do plan A better, says the underlying metrics tell him he’s on the right path. Don’t look at the final score, look at the underlying metrics! The real score hidden all the way beneath the actual score!

‘That’s how annoying corporate types talk on LinkedIn. Basically, if you’re a normal human being you listen to DOD and think he sounds just like your fucking boss at work, who you fucking hate.

‘He doesn’t sound like he knows about football. I saw a few fans call him a ’LinkedIn Manager’, because of how he talks and how he thinks. Now, me, Max Best, I think he’s quite good but he doesn’t do himself any favours.

‘DOD is an AirBnB living room on legs. You know when you turn up to get the keys and you see a Live Laugh Love poster and there’s a three-part textile photo of Africa and you say to the host, oh have you been there? No, but I’d love to go one day. That interaction is DOD all over. Do you know what I mean?

‘What was it I said to Beth at the Daily Mail? She asked if I would shake his hand at full time because there’s this obsession in this country about full-time handshakes. I said something like, I’ll probably go further than that and ask for his advice because I heard he’s the King of LinkedIn. She didn’t get where I was coming from but I know she’ll print it. It sounds like a compliment but DOD will know it’s a dig.

‘And if we can get a result in the first leg, Celtic fans will turn up the heat on him and the LinkedIn jibe will cut through. I’m pretty pleased with that one, lol.’

As always when he’s bitching about other managers, the whole interaction gets my back up. ’I suppose the way you talk makes Chester fans love you.’

’No, I’m really annoying. This stuff now where I’m barely there while still taking a wage, that’s borderline rage-inducing. But when I talk to them, I’m authentic. They don’t like it when I say I don’t want any part in their anti-Wrexham bullshit because they actually want my permission to keep doing it, but they respect that I’m being honest. I think part of them wants to be challenged on it. Part of them wants to be dragged into the 24th century, where I live.’

So annoying! ’You said DOD was good?’

’Yeah, he’s fine. He’s got a massive portrait of himself in his living room. Can you imagine that?’

’I can imagine that in your house, yeah.’

He laughs. ’Be serious. Big portrait of Emma, maybe. Dressed as a mermaid. Cover it with a big Live Laugh Love fabric when we have visitors.’

’Well, is he fine or is he good?’

’He’s... good. I don’t know. I just find him predictable. That’s not necessarily bad but, yeah, kinda is. Remember my bro Pedro Porto? His numbers were top-of-the-line but he was so dogmatic and in the Premier League you’re against the best tacticians in the world. There’s a reason he didn’t survive while more flexible guys did. And there’s a reason DOD wins the league every year in Scotland but can’t replicate that in England. Example. I’ve been studying footage of every goal that has ever been scored against his teams.’

’Ever?’ I say. It’s always disturbing to be reminded of how hard Max works. After a match he can’t sleep so he stays up all night doing research into his next opponent. Maybe every manager does that, but it doesn’t fit with the image he projects of being a chancer who makes it up as he goes along.

’Yeah. There are patterns. In possession, his teams slide to three-at-the-back, and when you counter he squashes you to the touchline. But there’s a move you get your striker to do. He runs to the touchline, the third guy in DOD’s defence has to run there otherwise the cover shadow breaks - ’

’Sorry, Max, remind me what that is.’

’If there’s a guy to your left and your right, you have to pass straight ahead, right?’

’I could turn back.’

’Yeah, if you had about twenty seconds.’

’Come on.’

’The cover shadow is the, uhhh, if the ball is the sun, the oppo cast a shadow and you can’t pass the ball into the shadow. Coaches try to organise their players so that the shadow covers the whole pitch except one section. You have to pass into the light, but that’s part of the trap.’

’Fucking hell.’

’Yeah it can suffocate teams. Anyway, try to imagine this move.

‘We have been pushed around by clever pressing from Celtic, and now the ball’s in the right back area. Cheb doesn’t have any option except to kick the ball down the line, which is basically just giving the ball to Celtic, right? So Tom Westwood runs to the touchline. A Celtic player has to go with him to keep the pressure up.

‘If he doesn’t track Tom, all that work the rest of the team did to get to this point was for nothing. He’s going to go. But now there’s a big gap between the Celtic player and his nearest mate.

‘My boy Cheb hits a pass into that space, just as Tom turns back, the way an NFL receiver does because he knows what play is coming. Now we’re attacking Celtic’s half and almost all their players are out of position. It’s honestly a piece of piss. I genuinely don’t understand why teams in Scotland don’t put their best passers at full back and get guys with top stamina to do the Tom Westwood role. You will crush Celtic by doing that. Crush.’

’Wait, so, you’re gonna crush Celtic?’

Max makes an annoyed noise. ’Do you remember that my boy Cheb’s injured? And I can’t have Tom rampaging around the sides, can I? He needs to be in the middle because I don’t have Gabby or Wibbers.’

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’They’re not playing, then?’

’I’ll think I will put them on the bench to fuck with DOD. Sometimes managers get cautious when they see loads of firepower on the bench.’

’Are you saying they 100% won’t start?’

’They 100% won’t start. There’s actually another one of our key players who almost certainly won’t start. Our starting eleven is going to be total dogshit, with all due respect to my subs, who I would take a bullet for. It’s just, you know, in an ideal world they wouldn’t be starting against the first ever British team to win the European Cup.’

So, that seems incredibly definitive. Max knows how to beat Celtic but he doesn’t have the players to do it. He seems distant and unhappy, but he’s also, I don’t know... Maybe some extra probing will help. He often gets sentimental about the olden days, so I test those waters. ’Celtic’s win was the year before Manchester United did it, wasn’t it? What was the nickname of that Celtic team again?’

’The Lisbon Lions. Best team in Europe, maybe the world, and all but two of the squad were born within ten miles of the stadium, and the other two were basically local by modern standards. Absolutely incredible stuff. I’d love to do something like that these days but you’d have to do it in London or Paris.’

’Or Glasgow? They’d love you up there.’

He scowls. ’Er... no. You and Chester have this moronic rivalry based on nothing but I’ve never heard of a Chester lad being beaten up because he wanted to marry a Welsh girl. I read Pat Nevin’s book and it was incredibly frustrating. It starts with him at Tranmere Rovers and it’s normal football stuff. The manager liked me until he didn’t, the directors promised me a car but never gave it to me. The usual football crap. Then he goes to Scotland and suddenly every single story is, hang on, you can’t sign him, he’s a Catholic. You can’t marry her, she’s a Protestant. Fuck that crap for ever and ever, amen. If you ever see me taking a job in Glasgow, you’ll know that aliens are real and they have body swapped me. I’m not mentioning any of this in public because I don’t need even more death threats than I already get, but when I’m done with Chester, you might well find me trying to buy Kilmarnock or Motherwell, and before long I’ll have them winning the league every fucking year. I’m pretty sure I used to do that on Soccer Supremo.’

I’ve heard him go on rants like this, but this feels different. His negativity normally feels sharp and spikey, but this feels rounded. ’There’s something different about you. If you were an animal, you’d be a tiger. Just lounging around in the sun, basking in your territory.’

He appraises me. ’If you were an animal, you’d be... a sausage dog with wheels at the back.’

I laugh. ’Come on, fess up! There’s something different.’

He stretches, happily. ’That’s the new exercises. You remember when I was your coach? I made you do the mobility exercises I got from the Brig.’

’Yeah. They’re really good.’

’Absolutely. Then Magnus worked with Nicole for a year. A few weeks ago we were doing those exercises and he thought, hold up, this isn’t right. He’s gone away and thought about it and he has discovered some German dude who developed exercises that boost the fascia. That’s a kind of elastic thing in your body that no-one talks about. In football it’s bones, muscles, tendons. Magnus has spent the last year thinking about fascia, okay, and he’s pretty much uniquely positioned because he’s got his bodybuilding background, he’s seen all our typical football injuries, he’s learned a lot from the Brig, he’s learned a lot from Nicole, and now he’s just, fucking, transforming how we warm up and that’s just the start.’

You’ve probably seen the videos of Chester and Saltney doing these incredibly stupid warm ups. You know the ones. They look like kids in the playground, swinging their arms so they almost slap themselves in the face, doing an Irish dance, letting their heads fall to the side like zombies. ’Wait, you’re saying you feel great because of the stupid swinging exercises you do? We all laugh at that.’

’Good. Please keep laughing at it. In the Champions League final, when I’m swinging my arms and legs in a way you find hilarious, please keep laughing. Don’t stop to ask yourself if there’s anything in it. Make sure other teams don’t copy us.’

I remember I want info that will help me place a bet or not. ’Champions League final? This season, is it?’ He sucks in a breath and twists his lower body left and right a couple of times, concentrating on the movement. I switch tack. ’How will Chester fans feel when you get smashed by Celtic?’

’Can’t imagine they care much either way,’ he says, lying flat again. He tosses the ball up and catches it. ’Us Eurotrash have two more matches, win or lose. We’ll be going back to base after the second leg. The vibe I get is that mostly the Chester fans hope we do well.’

’Either way?’ I say, trying to be clever. ’You don’t think you have a chance, do you?’

’I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth. Ah! So you’re saying there’s a chance.’

Well, that was helpful. I don’t give up, though, because I think I have a clever way to gauge his motivation. If Saltney do beat Celtic over two legs, it’s a minimum of 18 million quid for the club. ’What will you do with your wedge if you get into the Champions League? Bentley? Mercedes F1? New house?’

He sits up and throws the ball hard, right-handed, catches it left-handed, throws it hard, catches right-handed. ’It’s for my mum.’

’I thought you got a house for her. Aff’s mum as a carer. All sorted.’

He throws the ball harder, faster. It’s like a blur. ’That’s just slowing the decline, mate. What about a cure?’

My jaw drops. ’What?’

The speed of the ball-throwing goes mad and then he leaps to his feet, turns, and kicks the ball into orbit. He strides away.

Stoop

Whaaaaaa! There’s so much to unpack there. What does it all mean?

BrokenGround

I don’t know. My instinct is that he’s very, very motivated and thinks he could beat Celtic if he had his full squad. But he doesn’t, and that’s pissing him off.

Saint Derfel

He’s good but we think Saltney have something like a million GBP in wage budget, right? Celtic spent 22 million on player wages in their last accounts. It can’t be even close to realistic that he would beat them. Surely?

ButteryCrumpets

Loved reading that, Dylan! Will need to digest it. One thing that struck me was if security are gonna pull the pitch invader’s pants down, what’s the SECOND thing going to be?

RetiredRed

Dylan, thanks for that. Amazing as always!

But what I took from it - apart from reading the whole thing with a big smile on my face because it was so enjoyable - was that there’s nothing for us to sink our teeth into. Best is motivated, of course he is. He wants the money for his mother somehow, but he can’t get it. Frustrating for him and for us.

But there’s no betting opportunity here. We don’t know anything more than the bookmakers.

DubaiGuy

Agreed. Very much agreed.

Except...

Roberts is injured. Best is fitter than ever, more motivated than ever. We have seen him do one-man team performances before.

Max Best to score anytime is 5 to 1... Discuss!

***

Tuesday, August 17

BrokenGround

Lads, I know we all lose our shit with him from time to time, but I just can’t help but love the guy! Guess what he’s done?

Stoop

Wait two minutes while I generate an AI image of my guess.

BrokenGround

Can a mod please mute the pervert for a few minutes?

Okay, long-time readers will know that Max Best has been tormenting me for being a Wrexham fan since we met. But every time the teasing got me to boiling point, he has done something to make it up to me. For instance, he switched our regiment’s footy team’s home pitch from a local potato field to Wrexham’s training ground, and he introduced us to Paul Parker (RIP) and convinced him to pose for selfies with us. I’ve come to associate higher levels of teasing from Max with something good on the horizon.

Which now that I type it out, seems really demented!

But there wasn’t any sign of this coming. Me and some of the lads from 3 R Welsh turned up at The Racecourse to join in the security briefing with the Brig, Briggy, and Wrexham’s in-house security team. It’s all very professional, no-one worrying about who’s stepping onto who’s turf, which you might expect to get in this kind of situation. It seems like there’s a solid plan and while it’s very, very strange that our home stadium will be full of Scots, we’re not expecting too much trouble.

Just the TikTok idiots.

At the end of the briefing, Briggy points to the 3 R Welsh guys. ’Hands up if you follow Wrexham’.

My hand goes up, so does Hot Rod’s. The Midnighter does too even though he doesn’t. Briggy doesn’t believe him, but she also doesn’t give two craps.

’Follow me.’

We go down through the stadium into the dressing rooms.

She points to the big crest on the wall. ’Max says you can watch his team talk, but only if you spit on the Wrexham logo.’

About nought point three seconds later, the Midnighter’s spit lands dead centre.

My aggression hits about 14,000 punches per minute, but Briggy touches my wrist. ’Save it for the TikTok pricks.’

’Right,’ I say, trying to unclench my bits.

Briggy eyes the Midnighter. ’Apologise if you want to stay.’

’Sorry, lads,’ he goes. ’Seemed funny in my head. Bit pathetic, really.’

I’m getting better at shoving my anger down into its little box. I want to be the one who decides when it comes out. ’Is this one of Max’s wind-ups or what?’

’No, no,’ she says. ’In his mind, this is a treat. Personally, being in an enclosed space with loads of fit young men, watching as they oil themselves up and strap themselves in... Actually, yeah, I don’t mind it. Just stay in the corner there because Max likes to stride around like a Roman senator as he fills the room with his bullshit.’

I’ll be back after the team talk. The team talk in the home dressing room at The Racecourse, lads!

RetiredRed

Oh, you lucky bastard!

Stoop

Wait. Dylan’s gonna get the inside track on the tactics. All-out attack, all-out defence. We’re gonna know an hour before kick off!

DubaiGuy

Dylan, I know you always listen carefully, but more than ever we need accurate and fast transcription.

BrokenGround

What if I record it and post the audio here?

No, can’t do that. That’s going too far.

Stoop

Record it and let an AI give a transcription. I’ll send you a link. You can edit out anything that shouldn’t be in the public domain.

DubaiGuy

That would certainly be fast!

BrokenGround

I don’t understand this AI stuff but I can try it. Unless the Brig needs me to do something. Hey, all the players are coming in. I think it might not be long.

Wow, they’re all buzzing. Champions League playoffs! Against Celtic! Some of these lads were with Max in non-league. It’s crazy.

***

BrokenGround

Okay, the app did something. I’m going to paste it here. Let’s try this. I am Man 4, by the way. In case that isn’t obvious.

***

[Commotion. Multiple voices overlapping. Laughter and shouting.]

Man: All right, shut the fuck up.

[Silence.]

Man: I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is, this is the biggest match played at this stadium in about a thousand years and I’m not even allowed to poke fun at Wrexham about it. Can you imagine the inner turmoil that’s causing me? It’s so distressing I nearly forgot to do my ab crunches this morning. I can do a thousand now.

Man 2: American Psycho.

Man: Yes! Top marks. Um, I’m not really doing a theme today. We all know what we have to do, right? It’s not gonna be fun. Oh, hang on. Maybe I could finally do Ghostbusters, because the Racecourse is where the dreams of so many Welshmen have come to die.

Man 3: Boss.

Man: Shit, shit, I forgot I had two Wrexham lads. Yeah but look! I got these local army lads to come in to boost the numbers of Wrexhams! Wrexhammers! See? They’re filling the room with their happy-go-lucky Welshness. Aren’t you, Dylan?

Man 4: Is this really your team talk?

[Laughter.]

Man: God, everyone’s so hard to please. Let’s skip to the end. Here’s today’s team.

Man 4: Holy fuck, are you fucking joking?

[Laughter.]

Man: No, Dylan, I’m not joking. That’s the team. Which of these highly-paid professional footballers would you not pick if you were in charge?

Man 4: Who’s Cody Williams?

Man: He’s one of the most talented young goalkeepers in Wales.

Man 4: You don’t mean him? His voice hasn’t broke yet!

Man 5: Watch your mouth old timer, or I’ll smash you up.

[Roar of approval; laughter.]

Man 4: How old are you?

Man 5: [Defiantly.] Sixteen... according to certain spreadsheets.

[Laughter.]

Man 4: And Charlie Cullen! He’s fifteen an’ all. Lucas Hussein? The kid who’s got ten minutes of professional football. Otis Burke. 5-4-1. Max, what are you doing?

Man: I’m doing all I can, mate! My hands are tied! I can at least use today to develop two future Welsh national team players. At least that’s one thing I can do!

Man 4: Oh. All right.

Man: Good. We finally have clearance from Dylan. Hey, are you on LinkedIn, mate?

[Laughter.]

Man 4: No.

Man: Shame. You’d fit right in.

[Laughter.]

Man: Right. Focus up, lads. Out of possession, we stick together. Shape, structure, let the system do the work for us. You’ll still have to win your duels. Lucas, I’ll be right there with you. Charlie, use your head. Centre backs, Celtic don’t have much aerial threat so get super aggressive on any long passes. There are 18,000 Celtic fans out there and if we frustrate the team we might frustrate the fans. Which, by the way, will be good preparation for next week when it’s 56,000 Celtics. I mean, that’s exactly three times the size. Put your hand down, Vini.

Man 5: Fifty-four.

Man: What is wrong with you? [He laughs.] We know what to expect from Celtic. They’re all good players but how are they gonna connect? Can they play as a team? When they do, they’re high level. When they don’t, they are absolute dogshit. Our life will be so much easier if we can turn the crowd against them, so that’s our first target.

Next, they’ve got this prick Samuel on the bench. I played with him when I was at Tranmere Rovers and I’ve never seen a more disinterested, unmotivated sack of shit. He has been spouting off all week about how he’s going to prove me wrong, but that’s only proving me right. If you only play well in certain matches, as and when your whims allow, that’s exactly why I got him binned off the team. If he comes on, he’ll have a point to prove, he’ll throw his weight around, all that crap. Now, I don’t want him scoring, okay? I’ve read this story. Former player with a grudge puts in the performance of a lifetime. No, thanks. Be very, very aware of him.

In possession, it’s business as usual plus the special moves we’ve been training. Tom? You know what we need from you today, don’t you? Save your energy for the most important chases. We get pressed, we get stuck, you need to make that move so that Celtic’s most intense pressure becomes our biggest opportunity. It’s like I always say, lads. A team’s biggest strength is their biggest weakness.

Man 4: What the fuck, Max! You told me you didn’t want Tom to make that move because he was going to be the lone striker in the middle. You didn’t want him on the wings, you said!

[Silence.]

Man: Oh, yeah. Okay, Tom, forget everything I just said. You’re the lone striker in the middle.

[Laughter.]

[Buzzer.]

Man 6: Let’s get out there, boyos! Straight from the off! Big energy! Come the fuck on!

***

ButteryCrumpets

I’m just looking at that lineup now. I mean, Best is playing so that’s good for anyone who has bet on him to score. But it’s actually INSANE.

Goalie:

Cody Williams (15-year-old goalie against Celtic? From any other manager that’s a sack-me-now message)Back five:

Lucas Hussain (played a few minutes in his whole career)Danny Prince (good player)Henry Dunston (solid, making a case he should be playing for Wrex)Magnus Evergreen (can’t make my mind up about him)Otis Burke (doesn’t look special)Midfield:

Max Best (can play a bit, to be fair)Vincent Addo (raw but he’s got something about him)Davey Barnes (good lad, I thought we should have kept him on)Charlie Cullen (15!!!!)Striker:

Tom Westwood (works hard, is a pest, but he’s not exactly Didier Drogba, is he? He can’t win you a match on his own)RetiredRed

He’s playing for penalties! He’ll shut up shop, frustrate Celtic, maybe try to bag a free kick.

ButteryCrumpets

If he wants a 0-0, why has he put the kid in goal? Must be that Icke is injured, okay, but they’ve got that older guy as backup. He’s in the subs list, see? Kobi Ellis. Experienced player, did okay in the Cymru Premier last time out. He’s got to be a better option than a teenager, surely?

DubaiGuy

I have just read Dylan’s transcript. First, thank you so much, Dylan. We appreciate you.

Second, WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

Something is happening!

Why were they laughing when Best was being defeatist?

Be ready to make in-play bets!

ButteryCrumpets

Oh my God!

***

ButteryCrumpets

Right, Saltney have done their bizarre warmup, the Celtic fans have laughed at them. The match is underway. What exactly have we got here?

The Racecourse looks amazing. Flags, scarves, banners. The wrong colours, mind. Mostly green-and-white in the stands. And that song? You’ll Never Walk Alone? What a dreadful dirge it is. But we should have nights like these all the time! Looks and sounds immense.

RetiredRed

Looks and sounds like a Celtic home match. If you’re Best, you’re making bank tonight but what about home advantage? If you win tonight you’ve got one hand on an absolute fortune. Why risk that for a pittance in ticket sales. That’s penny wise, pound foolish.

Stoop

Is it a pittance, though?

TexanWrexun

I’m running the math. 18,000 tickets at 30 pounds a pop. That’s 540,000 in revenue. I wonder what the split is?

RetiredRed

Saltney will be paying a fee to rent the stadium. It won’t be too much because the Welsh FA has been acting as a go-between trying to make it all go smoothly.

TexanWrexun

Let’s say 40,000 to rent the stadium. Ushers, security, food companies. Hundred K? Leaves 400. Wrexham did most of the marketing for this match, we used our social media, our mailing lists. We have to be getting a cut of the ticket sales in addition to the fee to rent the stadium. Even if it’s a 50-50 share, Saltney are making 200,000 on this one match. That’s half the budget of a normal Cymru Prem team.

Stoop

Right but if they got drawn against FC Carrier Bag who brought 50 fans with them, this would be costing money.

TexanWrexun

Right but you’d have much less security, food, etc.

ButteryCrumpets

Sorry, lads, can you park the money chat? The only money I’m interested in is the money that has left my bank account recently. My head’s pounding over here, wondering what’s going on.

DubaiGuy

I’m looking out for an early substitution. If that happens, I’m going in big on Chester to win.

TexanWrexun

Saltney to win.

DubaiGuy

Haha, yes! That’s what I meant.

ButteryCrumpets

Celtic are pinging the ball around, Saltney are defending in numbers. 11 behind the ball.

Celtic guy shoots from long range!

Oh, fuck. Nearly had a heart attack. Had to remind myself I don’t have any money on this match!

Nearly made a mess of it, didn’t the lad?

RetiredRed

Best is laughing.

Kid throws him the ball. Best with the kick ups!

DubaiGuy

He’s brilliant. What was that? Six kick ups, beautiful flick over his head, took out two Celtic players. Perfection.

RetiredRed

Slightly undermined by the follow-up, where he tried to boot the ball out of the stadium!

DubaiGuy

But look.

ButteryCrumpets

Subs! After one minute! How many?

...

...

FOUR!

DubaiGuy

SALTNEY TOWN TO WIN.

I got 10 to 1.

RetiredRed

Haha, well, I’m in. I got 11 to 1 but I haven’t staked loads.

What’s the point of all this faffing around? If you’re a Celtic player and you see a guy make four subs after one minute, you’re relieved you don’t work for a clown. What’s the bloody point?

DubaiGuy

I do not know, but I know that the new eleven is much more impressive.

ButteryCrumpets

I got 11 to 1, too. DG, you need to switch to a better app!

TexanWrexun

If you’re one of those young fellas, you’ve played one minute of football today after you’ve trained all week. What does that feel like?

Stoop

They got to start a Champions League match. Maybe he promised them a start and this was the only way to do it. I don’t know, I kind of agree with you. But it’s all smiles, isn’t it? The goalie’s beaming. Charlie Cullen’s applauding all sides of the ground like he’s just scored a hat trick.

RetiredRed

He’s cocky, that one. I like him.

ButteryCrumpets

What have we got now? 4-2-3-1, I think.

Steve Icke.

Prince - Dunston - Evergreen - Alloula.

Best - Addo

Barnes - Roberts - Westwood

Gabriel

DubaiGuy

That’s what I think, too, Crumpets. This is his strongest team.

Stoop

But why not start with it? Why does he do this?

DubaiGuy

That is a great question. Mind games? If you’re Celtic and you see two 15-year-olds in the starting eleven, perhaps you must become complacent?

LongThrowAGoGo

Celtic have a history of becoming complacent in matches like these.

Stoop

New guy!!!

Did you place a bet?

LongThrowAGoGo

No, it seemed like there was nothing on. And now I’m not sure how to do the in-play betting.

Stoop

I’ll send you a DM.

RetiredRed

I tell you what, bets aside, it looks like we’ve got a proper game of football on our hands! Come on, the Bordermen! Fight for Wales!

ButteryCrumpets changed the channel name to Always Bet on Bordermen.

***

ToddlySatisfying

Just got here. What did I miss lol

Stoop

Saltney put out a nonsense team, made four subs after a minute, now they’re doing 4-2-3-1. Celtic are their usual 4-3-3.

Some of us put bets on Best to score, but Roberts is on the pitch so that seems like less of a good bet. We got stuck into Saltney to win before the bookies slashed the odds.

ToddlySatisfying

Okay, neat. The Best v Roberts comment is because Roberts will take the penalties? So it’s less likely that Best will score?

Stoop

Exactly. Assuming what we heard is right. I think the bookies still assume Best is the main penalty taker, so they’re not pricing him right and Roberts is better value, but we didn’t bet on him because he didn’t start.

This match is pretty even so far.

RetiredRed

Do you think? I think Saltney are bossing it.

There, look! That Algerian fella is on fire!

DubaiGuy

No no no! I lost my feed. Disaster. This is a disaster.

Can you please update me while I try to fix this?

Stoop

I’ll try.

Westwood’s running around, being a nuisance, dragging defenders away with him. Roberts is moving into the gaps and Best is pinging passes to him. He just set up Davey Barnes for a long shot that went wide.

Goal kick’s played short. Saltney guys pressing hard with both full backs! Christ, that’s either brave or stupid.

DubaiGuy

Is Best joining that press?

Stoop

No, he’s holding back with the Addo kid.

DubaiGuy

Ah.

Stoop

What? What does ’ah’ mean? You’re worse than Best sometimes!

Celtic played through the press that time. Here they come! Four against four...

Addo slows the charge.

And Best swoops in like a mighty hawk.

Oh shit! He’s just kicked the ball miles away so that he can give the Roberts kid both barrels!

RetiredRed

Roberts was slow getting back and he would have been offside had Best played the pass that was on. I’m with Best on that one. Lazy strikers drive me mad!

Stoop

It’s all a bit stop-start.

DubaiGuy

Who’s doing the stopping and the starting?

Stoop

Both teams are guilty. I think Celtic are wary of what’s going on because it’s not what they planned for and they’re trying to take the wind out of Saltney’s sails. But Saltney are happy to slow the game down, too. Can’t quite work out why.

DubaiGuy

He said it in the team talk: to frustrate the Celtic fans.

Stoop

Ah! I think it’s working because it’s gone a bit quiet around the Racecourse.

LongThrowAGoGo

Best is saving his players’ legs, too. He’s only got one sub left so pretty much everyone on the pitch is gonna have to finish the match. Celtic think they’re being smart but they’re not. They’re making it easy for him.

DubaiGuy

Welcome to the club, LT! Excellent, lucid analysis. Please do stick around.

My feed isn’t coming back. Deeply frustrating. I think I might have to go to plan B.

Stoop

Plan B is to do plan A better. Give your TV a smack.

DubaiGuy

It didn’t work and now my TV is crying.

I’ll be back in 20 minutes.

***

BeardedWonderwall

Bloody hell, this is tense, isn’t it? Pretty decent quality, I’d say.

Stoop

It’s about the level of Wrex v Birmingham last week, I’d say, but that lad Alloula is a step above what we normally see in the Championship, and Best is another level above that. They’re carving Celtic to ribbons over on the right.

DubaiGuy

I’m back and I’m very frustrated. Nothing is working. It’s still goalless, I see.

Stoop

Yes but Saltney are pushing more. They have got their Brazilian lad into the game. He’s connecting with Roberts and Alloula on the right.

RetiredRed

What they’re doing is the fancy rotations that Stefan Sommer has us trying to do. The right back goes forward, the midfielder slides into the right back slot, the striker’s ready to drop into the midfielder’s slot, and they can do it clockwise or anti-clockwise.

Except our guys can’t seem to get it right. Sommer says it will take time, which sounds fair enough, but my question is, how can Best throw a bunch of random players together and have them play this smoothly? Why doesn’t he need time?

Stoop

Wait - they’re...

OH WHAT A GOAL

RetiredRed

Beautiful.

Stoop

That was something else. Best and Barnes slapped the ball to each other, and as Best was dribbling to the left, he was waving his hands around. I think he was changing the formation?

Saltney’s players scattered, Best passed to Prince over on the left. Then he turned, sprinted towards the right wing, all across the pitch. Prince crashed the ball the same direction. Big diag!

Gabriel was there and he won a header, cushioned it to Best who by then was only five yards away.

Best runs towards the box, big panic as you might expect, shapes to shoot left-footed, couple of defenders go to block it. Best somehow stabs the ball forward with his standing leg, which puts Gabriel behind the defensive line.

He crosses, Roberts slaps the ball into the net.

BeardedWonderwall

Dead silence in the stadium. Eerie.

RetiredRed

Home disadvantage! The more away fans that are here, the more there are to turn on their team!

LongThrowAGoGo

Is it possible you guys read too much into things like that?

Stoop

Yes. It’s kind of what we do.

RetiredRed

And here come the TikTok generation! Bloody hell, what a twat.

Stoop

DG, some skinny prick has run onto the pitch, and he’s scampering around like the fucking rat he is, shouting into his phone the whole time.

Security’s after him.

RetiredRed

I think that’s Dylan coming up the rails. Got to say that’s an uneven contest. Poor Dylan.

LongThrowAGoGo

The prick’s down! What happened? It looked like a ball hit him.

Stoop

Where’s Best lol?

Okay so security tackled the guy and now a couple of burly Welshmen are trying to carry him off. The prick’s wriggling like a worm.

Hahahahhahahahahahaah

LongThrowAGoGo

There go his pants!

RetiredRed

And the cameras cut away! DubaiGuy, you’re not missing anything but from what I saw, this guy’s girlfriend is.

Stoop

No way is he in a relationship with a human being. A chatbot maybe.

I hope Dylan doesn’t get in trouble for this.

Just remembered Best has an army of lawyers on call. He’ll sort his mate out.

Oh, hold up, what’s this?

I think Best got the guy’s phone. Best has run to the sideline and - HOLY ACTUAL FUCK WHAT AM I SEEING?

RetiredRed

Jesus. This might be a bit much.

DubaiGuy

Please, gentlemen. I’m blind.

RetiredRed

Best is on the touchline and someone has given him an industrial-strength gas mask. Now he’s got safety goggles.

Stoop

Big latex gloves. My prayers have been answered!

RetiredRed

Not now, pervert!

A guy in a hazmat suit has brought out a strange contraption. It’s a glass cylinder with a black cap of some sort.

Stoop

It’s a blender!

He’s gonna blend the phone!

RetiredRed

It’s not a blender but it looks like one.

Dylan and his mate have brought the guy over and are forcing him to watch.

Best... has dropped the guy’s phone into the thing!

What’s...

Stoop

It’s acid!

Fuck me.

RetiredRed

That’s too much.

Stoop

The influencer prick agrees with you. Look at him squirm. I think he’s crying.

LongThrowAGoGo

Wouldn’t you? You’ve had your junk shown to the world, you’re about to get beaten up by some Welshmen, you’re gonna spend the night in a cell, and you’ve just watched your phone get dissolved.

Talk about a statement. Fuck about on my patch, you’re gonna find out.

You know what? Forget what I said on all those other threads. I love Max Best. I want to hire him to deal with the people who dump their rubbish in the fields near where I live.

BeardedWonderwall

I’ve just realised what has been bothering me so far. ’Fuck about on my patch...’

He’s swanning around like he owns the place! His security, his people, his mates at the FAW. No wonder he doesn’t care who bought the tickets. He’s far too at home here!

LongThrowAGoGo

My app is offering to pay me a good wedge if I cash in right now. That’s the bookies panicking because we pulled their pants down, right?

Stoop

Yes.

They know.

***

RetiredRed

Right, half-time. I need to say this.

I know it’s only 1-0 but that was one of the most complete team performances I’ve ever seen in our stadium.

My match ratings. Best 10, Alloula 10, Roberts 10, everyone else 9.

Absolutely immense, really enjoyable to watch.

Celtic fans booing their team off at half time? Incredible.

Stoop

We’re gonna get a quality headline out of this.

Super Saltney Are Fantastic, Celtic Are Atrocious.

BrokenGround

Lads, haha, I’m buzzing. I’m hyper. Whooo! What a rush that was.

I’m sure you saw the kid ran on the pitch. He’s wiry so the stewards were having a hard time catching him fast, but Max was expecting it, right, and apparently he spoke to all the ballboys before the match and said lads, if anyone runs on the pitch, throw me a ball fast. First one to do it gets fifty quid.

So it happens and one quick-witted lad chucks a ball towards Max. He takes aim, cracks the phone out of the prick’s hand. I hope he was aiming for the phone, anyway, because he got in enough trouble hitting that guy in the face that one time.

We grab the guy, take him off.

Max goes, ’Dylan, he’ll want to see this.’

We take him to the side. Max dresses up like it’s halloween. I’m going, what the bloody hell is this? The kid is struggling but he’s the first one to realise what’s happening. ’He’s gan barn me foon!’

’I don’t speak twat,’ I say.

Hot Rod goes, ’Is that acid?’

Sure enough, Max drops the phone into the acid, it disintegrates in seconds, everyone around is laughing their heads off. Probably shouldn’t have joined in, but sometimes things are so surprising the laughter comes unbidden. The kid starts crying. Starts yelling, ’I’ll sue ye. I’ll sue yez all!’

We take the kid into a little room and have a little chat with him. The Brig’s there so we can’t actually enjoy it, if you get me, but we put it to the kid that he’s in enough trouble without making threats and he isn’t dealing with his fucking local polis here. He’s picked the wrong fucking football club to mess with. He gets the message.

We hand him over to the police, the Brig says, ’Damn that boy!’ Meaning Max. He’s pissed Max melted the phone because now we’ve got all kinds of legal mess on the horizon. He storms off into the dressing room, comes back out grinning from ear to ear.

’What’s got into you?’ says Briggy. She can’t believe the change and neither can I.

The Brig checks we’re not being watched, and pulls the kid’s phone out of his pocket.

Stoop

Wait, what?

RetiredRed

What?

BrokenGround

Yeah apparently Max’s hope was to drop the kid’s phone into the compartment in the top and push a random old phone down into the acid stuff. Simple bit of misdirection that would have the desired effect. Stop copycats, right? You might run onto the pitch it if it’s a thousand pound fine but you won’t do it if you’re going to lose your thousand pound phone.

Anyway, phones don’t dissolve in acid, apparently, so Max was like, fuck it, give me a phone-shaped slab of something that’s gonna look dramatic when it hits whatever liquid. If we do it fast enough, it’ll be shocking.

Stoop

Mission accomplished.

BrokenGround

I’m on a tea break but I’ve got to get back out there. There’s another one of these pricks in the stadium. Got to stay alert!

LongThrowAGoGo

If the second one invades the pitch after what happened to the first one, he deserves whatever’s coming.

***

DubaiGuy

I’m back! I had to switch my VPN to Slovakia. So strange.

Stoop

Second half is going okay for Saltney. They still look dangerous, but Celtic have upped the tempo. They’ve had a few shots, got into some good positions.

DubaiGuy

Hmm. The offers to cash out have stopped. I think the bookies believe Celtic are coming back into it.

Saint Derfel

I don’t like that Declan O’Donnell. He was on the shortlist to replace Parky, if you remember, and a lot of our fans wanted him. He’s scrabbling around trying to match the Max Best Misfits. Deeply unimpressed.

DubaiGuy

He coaches the pressing scheme very well. Saltney are being forced into mistakes. Best has lost possession a couple of times since I have been watching. The screw is turning, is it not?

Perhaps I should have cashed out.

Stoop

Keep the faith, DG! I’ve got a sneaking suspicion about Best losing the ball. Have you noticed that the full backs have been attacking non-stop? One of them’s almost always in Celtic’s half. But when Best loses the ball, they are always both back. He’s got 5 players behind him. I don’t know, maybe I’ve drank too much Kool-Aid but I don’t think this pressing is all that. It’s nothing compared to the Championship, to Bayern Munich.

DubaiGuy

Interesting. Very interesting.

I have been wondering about something from the team talk. The instruction to Westwood. I thought I understood the intention but we haven’t seen it once.

Stoop

Saltney are being properly pushed back now.

Best intercepts.

Dribbles.

Loses the ball.

Where are the full backs?

Safely behind him.

Hmmmmmmm.

Celtic are pushing right up now, defence almost to the halfway line.

Westwood with a big shoulder barge over on the left. I really like that kid! Gets stuck in. He gives it to Prince.

Here comes the Celtic pressure again!

Saltney being forced across to the other side of the pitch. Best is rushed into a pass to Addo.

Where’s Best going? He has zoomed off! Celtic are going to squeeze...

Hold up!

Alloula with a lofted pass and Westwood is onto it!

How did he get there?

He’s got acres. He runs. Best goes outside him. How did he get there? Pass overhit. Jesus Christ, Westwood!

Best has to slide tackle the ball to keep it in!

He gets up, quick cross...

Gabriel header!

Goal!

Two-nil!

I can’t believe this. Saltney are battering Celtic. Absolutely battering them!

I’ll say it now and you can all laugh at me as much as you want - that was planned from before Best started coughing the ball up under feeble pressure.

LongThrowAGoGo

My app is begging me to cash out. I should just leave it, right?

RetiredRed

Yes!

***

TexanWrexun

Eyes right, fellas. Celtic are about to bring on that guy Samuel. The one Best warned about.

Stoop

This could mess us up.

RetiredRed

Could it? I checked him on TransferMarkt and his stats are pretty poor.

Stoop

I think Best and Evergreen are switching positions. Best taking no chances with this guy, gonna mark him.

Christ, is this what it feels like to have a manager you have complete faith in?

***

ButteryCrumpets

87th minute and here comes Saltney’s last sub. That Toquinho guy on for Davey Barnes.

Local lad. He should be getting a round of applause from all the Wrexham fans but Celtic bought all the tickets and every time Saltney play a short pass under no pressure, one of them leaves. Lots of empty patches now, aren’t there?

My nerves have been shredded by this game. It’s all very well Best toying with his oppo but I have bills to pay!

RetiredRed

I think you’re safe, mate.

ButteryCrumpets

That’s what my head has been telling me but...

There go Celtic into the penalty area! Shit!

Was that a foul?

It looked like a foul by that Addo kid.

RetiredRed

I thought the ref signalled a free kick to Saltney.

Here’s the replay.

Ah, that’s nothing. Addo got there first and the Celtic guy kicked Addo, if anything.

ButteryCrumpets

The ref’s got that one right. He has been good, hasn’t he? European refs are always better.

Stoop

Not always. You get some absolute shockers sometimes.

ButteryCrumpets

Was that the final whistle? Best is sprinting to the touchline, offering DOD a handshake. DOD snubbing him! Best looks upset. Christ, what a pain in the arse that young man is!

Holy crap, we did it! 2-0. Best didn’t score but I made almost a grand backing Saltney to win. That has dug me out of a hole, big time.

Saint Derfel

Take a break from gambling, BC. You can’t be relying on 10 to 1 shots to get you out of trouble. Best isn’t a miracle worker.

ButteryCrumpets

He bloody is!

You’re right, though. I’m gonna sit out this weekend and we’ll see if Dylan has any hot goss about the second leg. They’re not gonna go to Glasgow and play like that again, are they? The home fans will tear their team to shreds if they play that crap again.

Holy shit! Saltney have a two-goal lead going into the second leg. They’ve got one foot in the Champions League, guys! Not a miracle worker? What the hell are you talking about?

I’m off to celebrate a brilliant, amazing, incredible night.

ButteryCrumpets changed the channel name to Always Binge on Beer.