Shinrabansho: Myriad Souls

We tried ring toss next, and the booth looked like it had been designed by someone who understood exactly how to make students part with their allowance or wages.

The prizes were stacked in tiers like a shrine to cheap temptation, little stuffed mascots with embroidered smiles, keychains shaped like soda bottles and ramen cups, mascots and more, plastic and metal charms masquerading as jewelry, and a few “grand prizes” that everyone set their sights on, imagining victory.

The guy running this one was another third year, judging by his armband, leaning against his counter with the detached confidence of someone who’d seen hundreds of hopeful throws today. He had the kind of posture that said he enjoyed offering fake empathy while collecting coins.

Pon-chan rode my shoulder the whole time, mostly behaving well, perched proudly like he never wanted to leave that spot, his tail puffed and twitching. I resisted petting him now and again. It was hard to not cave in and give him constant attention, scratching his chin and rubbing his fluffy cheeks. He kept peeking over my collar, his whiskers trembling like normal, watching everything that moved like a watchdog. A couple of people noticed him and did double-takes.

“Wait—what? She has a pet ferret with her at the cultural festival?! So cute!” a girl in a yukata whispered to her friend.

“So fuzzy… I want one of those things!” her friend whispered back, delighted.

Pon-chan ignored them completely, his claws lightly gripping my yukata. He wasn’t exactly anxious. It was clear that he was scouting for some reason that only he understood.

Aoi-chan’s eyes flicked in his direction now and again with curiosity, and most likely a little jealousy too.

It’s like she wishes she could ride on my shoulder and snuggle against my neck the way he does.

I couldn’t help imagining a tiny Aoi-chan doing that. The thought made me grin in the silliest way.

Just in case it really was jealousy after I had shown Pon-chan so much affection, I took her hand and squeezed it gently to reassure her.

I’m yours, Aoi-chan. Don’t worry.

Riko stopped in front of the booth, making eager noises. “Now this is a game that I’m pretty good at. My shining moment for redemption and dominance. Ring toss! Let’s play.”

Everyone giggled. Aoi and Yuna rolled their eyes at the same time.

Yuna’s eyes moved over the prizes on display with open interest. “That’s what you implied about goldfish scooping,” she said, giggling into her yukata’s sleeve.

“I mean it this time,” Riko replied, already leaning forward to read the handwritten sign listing prices and prize tiers. “I’m so confident in my ability to win that I propose a bet.” She smirked and looked straight at me.

Of course she would.

narrowed my eyes, sensing a trap. She sounded sincere, but she had sounded sincere last time too. Even so, I decided she might get lucky.

“No.” I looked away and continued petting Pon-chan.

“Stop spoiling him like that,” Aoi muttered, pursing her lips. “He’ll just keep breaking free whenever he wants. You might as well adopt him at this point.”

“Good point,” I said, giggling. “But then you’d get even more jealous of him.”

Aoi’s lips twisted. “Maybe.”

Haruka-sensei smiled and said nothing.

“Sumire,” Riko replied, cheerful and merciless as she seized my hands. Aoi glanced at where our hands were joined and peculiarly said nothing. “It’s nothing too big, I promise. I won’t have you do whatever kinky thing I want.”

“What?” I asked, suspicious, blood rushing to my face.

“Good.” Aoi averted her eyes.

“Jealous as ever.” Riko shrugged and giggled.

Aoi tilted her head and gazed thoughtfully into Riko’s eyes, saying nothing.

Riko flushed and turned back to me. “We’ll bet snacks.” She pointed at my new tray of half-eaten takoyaki. “I want those if you lose.”

Aoi slid closer to my side, like she was drifting into shade. Her hand brushed along my arm. “Careful,” she murmured, the corner of her mouth lifting. “She’s probably scamming you. I bet she’s as good as she says she is this time. But seriously… What are you going to bet, Riko-chan?”

Riko blinked, looking at Aoi, slightly surprised.

Aoi called her -chan. Weird... Did she admit how cute Riko is?

Riko paused and considered it, looking into my eyes. “I’ll buy you any snack you want.”

“No deal. You can’t have my takoyaki!” I slipped the tray behind my back, sticking out my tongue. Pon-chan scurried down my back and I felt him rummage in the tray. I gasped and yanked it around. One was missing.

Kurosawa-sensei snorted. She felt so much like a part of our group that, despite the fact that she was actually a teacher, none of us were nervous around her. It was probably because she wasn’t hovering with judgmental eyes, and she even ignored Aoi and my flirting. It was clear that she was just spending time with her precious students as a normal person, enjoying the moment.

She paused a step behind us, her hands folded in her sleeves, watching the booth with mild curiosity, as if she were thinking about playing a game or two herself. Or maybe she was seeing things with fresh eyes.

“I might play a game myself once you’re all done,” Kurosawa-sensei mused.

Called it!

I grinned at her. “You should, Sensei!”

She nodded, smiling. “I probably will.”

Riko pointed at my takoyaki tray again. “I’ll still take that tray as my prize, even though Pon-chan ate one. That’s what I want. But there’s something you can do to double the worth.”

I looked at her blankly, suspicious.

“Take a single bite out of one,” Riko said, grinning.

“Flirt,” Aoi smirked.

Riko grinned, her eyes flashing. “I told you I’m not giving up, Aoi! Not ever!”

I clutched the tray to my chest. “Why do you want my takoyaki so much? You could just buy some of your own.”

“Come on! Bet me,” Riko insisted, leaning closer, her eyes bright, her cleavage showing, her dark eyes serious. “I want yours, Sumire-chan.” She licked her lips in a way that made me blush.

DOKI-DOKI

Why me?!

She held my wrists and peered into my eyes with a blush.

“What are you afraid of?” Riko asked me.

Even though it would have been easy to shake her off, I didn’t.

Pon-chan made a pass for another takoyaki while we were distracted, but I reacted quickly, freeing a hand and gently swatting him away. He climbed back onto my shoulder, making annoyed little ferret noises.

“I’ll hold them for you. I promise I won’t eat them… not yet. I’ll keep them safe from that little takoyaki scrounge,” Riko promised, flashing me a convincing smile.

I pouted. “But... my takoyaki...” My lower lip trembled dramatically, and I sniffled.

“It’s fine. If you lose, I’ll get you more if it means that much to you,” Riko said with a shrug. “I just want yours… just make sure you take a bite… please…” Her eyes sparkled.

I frowned, my face warm, and fidgeted.

“It’s fine… just do whatever you want,” Aoi said, arching her back, her eyes distant for a moment.

I frowned at Aoi-chan.

Why aren’t you stepping in? You should be yelling at her for flirting so much. Save me! I squirmed, and Aoi-chan pointedly ignored my pleading looks at her.

“Well? What’ll it be? Are you gonna chicken out, Sumire-chan?” Riko teased.

“You shouldn’t push that hard,” Yuna reproved her.

“Sure, and then she’d make no progress, like you, Miss Passive,” Riko snapped back, grinning.

“Hey!” Yuna blushed. Her eyes flicked to me, and her lips pursed.

…

Aoi waited and said nothing.

“Fine…” I muttered, taking a bite, then dropped it back onto the tray. The bite of batter burst with the flavor of octopus, green onions, and ginger as I chewed.

Yummy!

“Thanks!” Riko snatched my tray and simply held onto it after that.

“And if I win, you’ll buy me anything I want?” I asked, because I had pride and I was a baka. I had a feeling I wasn’t getting anything else anyway.

Riko’s smile sharpened. “Deal. Keep in mind that I can’t afford anything too expensive like a GS5… but if that’s what you want, I guess I wouldn’t mind getting a job.”

I gasped, flushing.

DOKI-DOKI…BADUMP

“You’d go that far, Riko?” I bit my lip. “Why?”

“Because I love you,” she said without any hesitation. “Even though I know that I don’t stand any chance against Aoi-chan… I…”

She called her Aoi-chan right then?!

“I… I…” I muttered, feeling the urge to bow and reject her. “Riko… I…”

Aoi put a hand on my shoulder and shook her head with a gentle smile. She leaned forward and kissed my forehead.

“Give it some time. Don’t be so hasty. I know that you like her too,” she whispered.

I gasped, my face turning scarlet.

“But... I...”

I looked at Aoi with a trembling lip. “But... I’m trying to be a good wife...”

“You are.” She leaned in and nipped my ear before whispering, “Don’t forget that I won’t be here much longer.”

I had to fight to keep tears from welling in my eyes.

Yuna sighed and put her hands over mine and Riko’s. “Sumire!”

I blinked.

DOKI-DOKI

“Y-you know... I... Riko is right. I have been Miss Passive,” Yuna said with a serious expression. 

I felt dizzy.

DOKI-DOKI

“I’m not giving up either.” She flushed faintly and smiled. “If I keep playing coy, I’m sure that I’ll regret it forever. I love you too, Sumire.” 

“Wha…” I turned crimson, unable to process everything at once. The world felt like it was tilting.

I looked at Aoi. Weirdly, she just smiled.

I remembered when Yuna had said to me, If I didn’t have self-control, I’d have a very hard time stopping myself right now.

When she leaned down close enough to kiss me right after Aoi had broken up with me, I had been so crushed that it would have been too easy for her to do whatever she wanted. But she hadn’t. 

Aoi’s gaze drifted toward the prizes. “Tch. I guess I can’t beat you two.”

“Of course you can,” I muttered.

She blinked innocently. “True... but will I?”

I gasped.

Riko and Yuna stared at Aoi for a long moment.

Yuna clutched her chest, her eyes moistening. “Are you sure about that, Aoi-chan? I promise we won’t steal her from you... not entirely.”

“Speak for yourself, Yuna-chan.” Riko smirked triumphantly and slapped her coins onto the counter. “Six rings.”

The senpai slid six flimsy plastic rings toward us with two fingers. “Three throws each,” he recited. “If you hook one, take it. No refunds. Try not to cry over it if you lose.”

Kurosawa-sensei’s eyes softened a fraction. She studied Aoi for a long moment but said nothing. She just watched us.

“You get three of the rings, Sumire-chan,” Riko said, sliding half of them toward me.

I nodded, eyeing the targets. They were upright pegs, arranged in neat rows, each one holding some kind of prize tag. The farther back you hooked a ring, the “better” the prize, which probably meant the more likely the ring was to bounce off.

I lifted a ring, judged the distance, and tossed one.

It landed on the table’s edge, bounced once like it was alive, clipped a peg, and fell flat with an insulting little

CLACK

Riko sucked in a delighted breath. “Ooooh.”

“That was just a warm-up,” I said quickly, grabbing another ring.

Pon-chan shifted on my shoulder. His tail went rigid. He leaned forward as if he expected something.

My second throw was too high. It hit the top of a peg, rolled off, and flopped onto the table.

CLACK

Riko’s grin widened. “Your takoyaki are mine. I’ll start with the one you bit.”

“Shut up,” I hissed, taking the third ring, blushing incandescently. “It’s not an indirect kiss, baka!”

“It is,” Riko insisted, rocking on her heels, entirely too happy.

I forced myself to breathe, squared my shoulders, and threw—

The ring sailed beautifully and landed…

…

It hit the open space between the pegs and lay there like it had died.

CLINK

The senpai made a noise that suggested a laugh. “Close.”

Riko squealed. “Nom.” She victoriously popped the half-eaten takoyaki into her mouth and licked her lips in a way that made me stagger.

“Baka… my takoyaki… you didn’t even throw yet!” I wailed.

I stared at the pegs as if willing them to bow and lift my rings. Traitors. I huffed and kicked at the ground, pouting.

Riko immediately plucked another piece. “Justice tastes so good,” she declared around another mouthful. “Not as good as the one you bit, though. This one lacks special seasoning. I suppose I should be gracious and share. You take a bite, and I’ll finish them.”

“No.” I pouted.

Riko’s lips curved teasingly.

Yuna leaned in toward me and whispered, “You can still redeem yourself later by beating her at the next game.”

Aoi’s hands stroked against my waist. “Or don’t bother,” she murmured. “You’re adorable when you lose.” She reached out and stroked a finger under my chin, and my heart raced.

I turned scarlet. “Hey!” I stamped my foot.

“Don’t worry,” Aoi said, her eyes bright.

Why aren’t you being possessive as usual?

“I love you,” Aoi said softly, meant only for my ears. I blushed, my heart fluttering.

Riko stepped up next to toss, even though I had already lost. She rolled her shoulders like she was about to throw a punch, not a ring.

“Observe,” she said, then tossed with exaggerated flair.

The ring hit a peg dead-on and bounced off like it had been rejected.

Riko froze. “What.”

She threw a second ring, but it was too soft and fell short.

On her third throw she overcorrected. It landed, bounced, and spun away.

The senpai’s expression remained supremely bored. “Close.”

Riko’s face went through the process of grieving in fast-forward.

“…Okay,” she said flatly. “This booth is totally cursed too. I should have won with that first toss… but you know… I’m still a winner.” She grinned and ate the last of my takoyaki.

Aoi stepped up without any drama, no posturing at all. She didn’t announce victory.

“One ring, please.” She held out a yen coin. The senpai slid her a ring with a dismissive shrug.

She studied the pegs for a moment, gauging the tiny sways in the local air currents inside the booth, taking into account how the rings bounced plus air resistance.

Pon-chan’s head tracked her intently, following every movement.

Aoi tossed.

The ring sailed in a smooth arc and landed cleanly around a peg with perfect ease.

The senpai blinked, then leaned forward. “Huh...”

Aoi studied the prizes carefully and pointed to something small and cute: a plastic charm shaped like a little fox bell with a tiny ribbon detail. It wasn’t grand. Just a sweet, cute trinket.

She came back to me with it in her fingers and didn’t hand it to me normally.

She took my hand.

My breath caught automatically, the way it always did when she did something like this, turning a simple gesture into something that felt like it was meant to be witnessed.

Aoi knelt like she had in the ribbon store, and taking my left hand, she slid the charm around my fourth finger. The cool plastic settled against my skin. She didn’t let go right away. Her fingers lingered on the back of my hand, slow and possessive in a way that made my stomach flip.

“Mine, forever,” she said softly.

DOKI-DOKI…BADUMP

My face lit up like a lantern. “Aoi-chan—!”

Her smile was full of satisfaction.

Her act made me feel instantly more relaxed.

Riko gagged dramatically. “Ugh. How dare you marry her in front of me like that! You stupid showoff, baka!!!” She stamped and kicked at the ground even harder than I had.

…

It was kind of cute.

Yuna abruptly leaned in. “That’s a very tough act to follow. So I won’t try to do anything so grandiose.”

I looked at Yuna blankly.

Suddenly Yuna brushed her lips against mine. My eyes widened as she breathed on my lips. “I love you, Sumire-chan. I always felt annoyed that I was the only one who didn’t get to kiss you.” She leaned back, smiling softly. “If you want to try a deeper one sometime, just let me know…”

DOKI-DOKI… BADUMP

“Wh... what was that?” Riko yelped as she rushed over to me. “And here I was satisfied with an indirect kiss, and she just... she just...” Her face burned as her voice climbed with disbelief. “You both suck!”

“Shouldn’t you be mad at Yuna for kissing Sumire?” Aoi asked lazily.

“You freaking married her!” Riko pouted. “Maybe I could use one of these rings.”

“Too big, little baka,” Aoi said with a smirk.

“Little... You little...” Riko grumbled. Then her eyes flicked toward the rings again. “True... they’d make better bracelets.”

“You could always use that ring to earn something that would work better,” Aoi said, tilting her head and giggling.

“I’m not wasting any more of my money on a rigged booth,” Riko huffed. “I’ll buy her a real one with diamonds then.”

“It’s on, then.” Aoi winked. “Did you think I’d leave it at this? Let’s see who can give her the best ring within the next month.” 

Riko stiffened, flushing hard. “Fine! I accept the challenge. She’ll marry me!”

You’re so confusing right now, Aoi-chan… What do you even want? You’re really going to share me just like that?

…

Is it possible to love someone and not be jealous when someone else kisses the person you love? That’s so not like her!

“Maybe.” Aoi smiled at me, answering as though she had somehow read my mind. “I’m confident in you and our love, my wife. That’s why it’s fine.”

Kurosawa-sensei watched with that thoughtful expression again, her hands folded in her sleeves, her gaze steady. She didn’t scold, even though things were getting really weird. She didn’t even look away. She simply observed, as if she were absorbing everything with a strange affection, my heated face, Aoi’s satisfied smile, the way we stood close, Yuna’s kiss, and Riko’s indirect takoyaki kiss.

I was half expecting a gentle warning like, “keep your behavior appropriate.”

But she didn’t. Her thoughts were almost readable. 

Instead, she lifted her brows slightly, like she’d noticed my glance and understood.

It was like she said it out loud, I’ve decided not to intervene. Not tonight.

That made my cheeks burn even more, because I was aware of how open it all was. Aoi wasn’t bothered, not one little bit. I wasn’t exactly hiding anything either, even if part of me wanted to sink into my yukata from embarrassment like a turtle.

I didn’t know what to do about Riko and Yuna.

The realization made my heart pound for a different reason.

We wandered again after that, because at a festival you didn’t stand in one place for too long. There was too much to do for that. The crowd carried us from booth to booth in warm waves, lantern light glowing overhead, laughter and chatter rising and falling around us, the smell of food weaving through everything. We ate grilled corn that left the taste of sweetness and butter on our tongues, the scent of soy sauce clinging.

We ate yakisoba from trays that warmed our palms.

After that, we got candied apples.

Then we bought something else sweet that I couldn’t pronounce properly, partly because the sign was written too sloppily and partly because my head was too full of Aoi, Riko, and Yuna.

I was puzzled by the fact that I was thinking about all three instead of just Aoi.

What’s wrong with me?!

Riko shoved a bite of yakisoba into her mouth with wooden chopsticks and immediately yelped. “Hot—!”

Yuna laughed openly. “You’ll never learn caution, Riko-chan.”

“Meh… it’s fine. I like it when they’re hot,” Riko insisted, fanning her mouth dramatically.

Aoi, without asking, lifted her drink and offered it to Riko. “Here.”

Riko stared at the bottle in her hand like it was a trap. “…Why are you being so nice to me tonight… to us? Aren’t you my rival?”

Aoi shrugged with a blandly innocent expression. “Did you hate that kiss we shared in the hallway the other day? Or is it that you wouldn’t want even an indirect kiss from me now?”

Riko hesitated, made a choking sound, then finally snatched Aoi’s drink and took a long swallow, flushing—and then froze mid-drink, her eyes widening.

“Oi, why did you do that anyway?” She swallowed hard, her cheeks burning. “You confused me so much! Why would you kiss your enemy like that? I wanted to flatten your nose!”

I blinked. “What? A kiss? Hah?”

Riko spun toward me like a spotlight. “She did! It was EXTREMELY DEEP TOO!”

My brain short-circuited so hard I almost dropped my bag. “Y–You kissed Riko-chan?”

Aoi’s expression barely shifted, which somehow made it worse. She smiled faintly, as if this were a completely ordinary topic. “She was coming on too strong trying to protect you, Sumire. She was too cute to ignore… and I needed a way to shut her up. You know how she is.”

My mouth opened. Nothing came out.

Riko jabbed a finger at Aoi. “You kissed me completely out of the blue! Like a total kissing psycho!”

Aoi glanced at her, then leaned closer to me until her voice was meant only for my ear. “It was just after you finished beating up the blackmailing senpai the second time.”

Her eyes flicked briefly toward Kurosawa-sensei, as if checking whether she would react.

Kurosawa-sensei gave Aoi a suspicious look that made my spine straighten.

“Why was kissing her a good idea?” I asked, and I hated how jealous I sounded. It made me feel exposed and small and insecure, but I couldn’t stop it.

Aoi didn’t mock me, nor did she brush it off.

She answered with the same calm that made me want to shake her and kiss her at the same time. “You were about to kiss her in the play. I knew she’d kiss you really well. I guess I wanted to get even ahead of time.”

Riko’s face twisted. “Is that how it was? Is that all you meant by your kiss?”

“Nah,” Aoi said, and that single syllable carried far too much confidence. “Like I said, you were kind of cute. You reminded me of someone I couldn’t leave alone.”

I went cold and hot at the same time. My thoughts jumped straight to that old, ugly curiosity I kept circling around and never touching.

Riko’s lips tightened. “Someone you knew? Who?”

“It was someone I dated,” Aoi said. She didn’t look away as she spoke, which made my stomach drop and burn at once. “She was a cute little thing with an extremely flat chest and a big attitude. I liked the last part most. She was great at shooting off her mouth.”

Riko’s anger shifted into something more complicated. “That’s… a good thing?”

I swallowed. “That’s a good thing? I don’t shoot off my mouth.”

Aoi turned fully toward me. Her expression softened in a way that made my eyes sting. “That’s fine,” she said. “That’s not why I love you so much, Sumire.” She reached out and poked my chest gently, right over my heart, as if she was reminding me where she meant. “I love your heart. You always loved me the most… more than anyone else, even while you were hurting so much.”

The words hit me too cleanly. My throat tightened.

Riko frowned, as if she didn’t know whether to be annoyed or moved. “I’m sure that girl loved you a lot too.”

Aoi nodded slowly. “Probably.” She looked away for a moment, her smile faint and distant, then turned her gaze back to Riko. “If I told you that in another life, you and I were lovers, what would you think?”

Riko gasped. “Are you crazy? What’s all this about past lives now? What are you supposed to be now, some kind of weirdo psychic?”

“No,” Aoi said, and her tone had gone serious enough that my skin prickled. “I’m just a dreamer. We all are.”

Her eyes flicked to Pon-chan on my shoulder with unmistakable meaning. Pon-chan’s tail puffed harder.

Riko opened her mouth—

—and the speakers crackled overhead, the announcement slicing through the moment like a bell pealing.

“The fireworks show is about to start. Everyone find a good spot facing north if you want to watch.”

A ripple of excitement ran through the crowd. Many pointed that way. Booth runners called last sales. Lanterns swayed above us, and music drifted from the stage we’d passed earlier like a heartbeat under the festival’s ambient noises.

Aoi’s gaze stayed sharp. “Would you all mind going on ahead and saving a spot for us, Riko-chan, Yuna-chan?” Her voice was polite, but there was urgency beneath it. “You too, Kurosawa-sensei. Please.”

Yuna and Riko looked at each other.

Kurosawa-sensei tilted her head, her brows drawing together. “I was curious about what all this was leading up to,” she said, then glanced at Yuna and Riko. “But let’s give them a moment alone.”

Riko’s lips tightened like she wanted to argue, but Yuna grabbed her sleeve and tugged. “Come along,” Yuna said smoothly.

Riko let herself be pulled, though she glanced back once, her eyes narrowed.

Kurosawa-sensei followed them, composed, her arms folded, but I saw her look at Aoi one more time, quietly suspicious and attentive, before she turned and disappeared into the crowd.

When they were out of sight, the noises felt different. The festival was still loud, even though they were gone. The lanterns still glowed. But the space around us had opened just enough to almost feel a little private.

Aoi turned to me and took both of my hands, her thumbs stroking slow circles as if she was trying to calm something inside herself too, pressing the charm that she’d put around my finger against my palm.

“I’ve started thinking about things, Sumire-chan,” she said softly, her face close to mine, “even though we’re wives in our hearts and I love you more than anyone else ever could… Please remember that I could never love anyone else like you.”

My lips tightened. I didn’t know what to do with the ache behind my ribs, the jealousy, the fear.

Aoi didn’t let me hide. She kept holding my hands.

“I was thinking that I shouldn’t hog you so much,” she continued, her voice gentle, devastating. “If everything ended tomorrow, your life would go on, and I absolutely refuse to watch you go through life an empty shell because I was gone.”

I sucked in a breath, feeling a sharp ache in my chest.

We’d skirted this subject before. We walked around it like it was a cliff edge that we should avoid. But hearing her say it now, in the middle of all the lantern light, amidst laughter, while fireworks were about to bloom above us, the subject felt too serious.

Aoi leaned in and brushed her lips against mine, a soft pressure that stole my ability to pretend I was fine. “When I’m gone,” she whispered, “there will be others that love you as much as me.”

Tears overflowed before I could stop them. I hated it. I hated crying. I hated feeling like this. I didn’t want to look at life without her… not like this, not so soon.

“Don’t cry yet, my wife,” she murmured, her forehead touching mine. “It’s not time to say goodbye yet. Just think about it. Those two are lined up to claim your heart when I’m gone. They’re both worthy of you in their own ways. I approve of them.”

Pon-chan chirred softly on my shoulder, his tail puffing and settling, puffing and settling again like he was restless even while he clung to me.

Aoi squeezed my hands. “See to it that you try to love again,” she said quietly, “even if it hurts at first.”

She fixed Pon-chan with her eyes for a moment and gently rubbed his chin. “Love can’t be forced. It’s nurtured over time with sincerity and patience.”

Above the roofline, a firework launched with a thin, rising scream, bright enough in the sky that the lantern glow seemed to pale.

I blinked through my tears, and Aoi stayed close to me, guiding me in the direction everyone went, steady and warm, as if she meant to hold me together with nothing but her hands and her voice.