Roommates With Benefits [BL]

I remembered dating her when I was already emotionally elsewhere.

I’d convinced myself that maybe I could force something to develop just because she was nice to me and I desperately wanted to believe I wasn’t for Damien...who was also a dude.

Back then, I thought I was doing the right thing.

But I hurt her.

She eventually saw that I was never fully there with her, and the bitterness that grew in her turned into something much uglier over time.

What she did later, the revenge she sought, the damage, teaming up with that bastard Jeremy who made third year of college basically a living hell for me...all of it stemmed from a complicated mix of hurt and resentment, and even though her choices were her own, I had never forgotten my part in it.

I learned something from that experience.

No even a damn amnesia could make me forget it.

You can’t date someone just to stop loving someone else.

And you can’t use another person as a distraction and expect them not to notice if your heart is still somewhere else.

I found myself wondering how Melanie was doing? Where was she now? What did she do for work and if she had healed from all that crap that went on

I looked up and realizing Connor had stopped talking, he was watching me.n”You okay?”

I blinked. ”Oh, yeah.”

”You kind of disappeared for a second.”

I offered a faint smile. ”Sorry. Just thinking.”

”About?”

I hesitated. ”Something from a long time ago.”

Connor studied my face for a moment before nodding. ”You don’t have to share.”

His simple response made something tighten in my chest. ”Thanks.”

He smiled and raised his glass.

The rest of dinner went on comfortably, but that realization lingered. By the time we left the restaurant, I knew I had to be honest.

Connor deserved that. So did I.

Outside, the evening air was cooler, and the streets were quieter. Connor slipped his hands into his jacket pockets.

”There’s a bar nearby,” he suggested. ”And the night’s still young, wanna grab a drink?”

I hesitated, part of me wanted nothing more than to go home, crawl into bed, and pretend today never happened.

But another part knew that if I left now, I’d spend the whole night replaying what I should’ve said.

”Sure.”

The bar was cozier than the restaurant, dimly lit and quiet, with soft music in the background and only a handful of patrons scattered around.

We took a table in the corner.

Connor ordered a drink, and when the bartender turned to me, I chose something non-alcoholic.

Connor raised an eyebrow at me. ”You don’t drink?”

”Not really.”

”Okay.”

That was it. No teasing, no questions of if I was a lightweight (which I was...)

I appreciated that.

We sat quietly for a few minutes.

Then, without thinking, I reached underneath my shirt and touched the necklace.

Connor noticed, his gaze briefly dropping to my hand and I let go of the chain.

”I need to tell you something.”

He leaned back a bit. ”Okay.”

I took a breath. ”You’re a really good guy.”

Connor smiled. ”Sounds like the start of a rejection.”

I laughed, though it was awkward. ”I’m...so sorry.”

He sighed dramatically. ”I knew it.”

”I haven’t even finished yet.”

”I’ve seen too many movies to know how this goes.”

I shook my head. ”Shit...well...um, you’re easy to talk to, you’re kind, and I genuinely had a great time tonight, but I don’t think I can...date you.”

Connor’s expression turned serious. ”Why?”

I opened my mouth to respond.

But before I could say anything, he looked me in the eyes and quietly added, ”Because of him, right?”

I froze.

How...how...the heck–?!

Connor went on before I could try to deny it. ”That Lockwood billionaire? You two used to date, right?”

I stared at him, stunned.

”How did you know? Did Maya tell you?”

Connor shook his head. ”No.”

”You got that from just the wedding?!”

”Yeah.” He leaned back, a bit more relaxed now. ”The way you two looked at each other was pretty obvious.”

I looked down at the table. ”We aren’t together, anymore.”

”I know.”

”But you could tell?”

Connor laughed softly. ”Oliver, I work with actors all the time. I can usually spot when two people are pretending not to feel something.”

I rubbed my forehead. ”Oh..

That’s fucking great.”

”I didn’t mean any harm.”

”I know.”

We sat quietly for a moment, then he asked, ”Do you still have feelings for him?”

There was no point in lying anymore and there was something about Connor that just let me feel as if there wasn’t a big ass brick wall in my throat whenever I wanted to bare my heart out to someone.

That was new.

I let out a small, defeated laugh. ”Yeah.”

That admission felt heavier than I thought it would.

”I still do,” I confessed. ”I know it’s ridiculous. It’s been four years, since university and shit. I really want to move on, but I just can’t no matter how hard I try.”

Connor listened without interrupting.

I looked down at my hands. ”I’m sorry for trying to use you to get over him.”

Connor was silent for a few seconds before smiling again. ”If you think four years is a lot, try eleven.”

I looked up, surprised. ”Eleven?”

”Yep.”

I gaped at him. ”Eleven years?!”

He nodded. ”Unfortunately.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. ”Damn, well what the hell happened?”

Connor chuckled too.

”Nothing. That’s what makes it even worse.” He leaned back in his chair, shaking his head. ”I’ve been hung up on someone for eleven years and I never even dated them.”

I blinked. ”You never dated them?”

”Nope.”

”Then how are you still hung up?”

Connor shrugged. ”Who knows? I guess I’m committed to making bad choices.”

I laughed again. ”That’s insane, man!”

”Believe me, I’m aware.”

He took another sip of his drink.

”They really messed me up,” he added.

I studied him, realizing that beneath all that easy confidence, he was carrying some baggage of his own.

Then Connor smiled. ”So don’t apologize.”

I frowned. ”Why?”

”Because I’m guilty of the same thing.”

I stared at him, confused. ”What?”

He shrugged again. ”I was kind of hoping to use you to get over them too.”

For a moment, neither of us spoke. Then I burst out laughing.

Connor joined in, and suddenly, everything felt almost absurd. We’d gone on an entire date thinking we could use each other to escape from people who weren’t even at the table with us.

”That’s incredibly unhealthy,” I said.

”Probably.”

”We’re terrible people.”

”Definitely.”

I shook my head, still smiling. ”This might be the strangest date I’ve ever been on.”

Connor raised his glass. ”To mutual emotional incompetence.”

I laughed and lifted my non-alcoholic drink. ”To terrible decision-making!”

Our glasses clinked gently.

For the first time that night, I didn’t feel guilty. Instead, I felt strangely understood.

We talked for a while about the people we couldn’t seem to let go of, laughing at ourselves whenever the conversation got a bit too serious, and neither of us tried to turn the evening into something it wasn’t.

When I finally looked at Connor again, I saw him in a new light. Not as the guy I was supposed to fall for or someone who could replace Damien. Just Connor...a decent guy with his own complicated history and enough emotional baggage to fill the trunk of his car.

Maybe that’s why being honest felt easier in that moment.

I came to this date hoping to prove I had moved on.

Instead, I learned I wasn’t the only one still stuck.

And while drinking, joking and laughing with Connor about how terrible we were at feelings...

I failed to notice a certain Lockwood standing across the street from the bar in the night.

Watching Connor and I laugh together through the window, then he let out a sigh and walked away.