My Alleged Husband

Chapter 901: Chapter 830_4

When such thoughts crossed my mind, I was terrified. I couldn’t believe it—I couldn’t believe that this was genuinely a thought from the depths of my heart. Why would I have such thoughts? These thoughts were far too frightening, completely beyond my imagination. I couldn’t even pinpoint what it was deep inside me that led to such a conclusion.

Time after time, faced with the biology teacher’s enthusiasm, I supposed I ought to respond somewhat. Over and over again, I would clutch my textbook and heft the reference materials—so heavy they could kill someone—and rush to the podium, trying my best to make my gaze appear brimming with a thirst for knowledge. Then the teacher would start yet another round of testing. That guilt—this wasn’t something I did only once. Time and again, I studied so hard, and all I wanted was to obtain the things I yearned for. But in the end, I discovered that I had gained nothing. Sometimes I feel like I am both stingy and generous—because I don’t know what I should do to make everyone think differently of me, to make everyone stop mocking me. I am an orphan without the company of a father or mother. I have endured all the ridicule people could throw at me. I don’t even know what it’s like anymore—the feeling of having been mocked over and over again. No one can truly understand the pain of ridicule or the mental anguish that such pain inflicts. All of it presses down on me, suffocating me. Who could ever comprehend how much this pain has burdened me? Again and again, I tried to be strong, tried to make myself different from others, but what did I end up with? Again and again, I drove myself into an abyss of suffering. I have never achieved the ending I truly wanted—all of it was merely the result my grandfather hoped to see. To satisfy him, I have given far, far too much. At the same time, I have also poured everything I had into proving myself to you—to prove that I have fought relentlessly.

I truly can’t understand what parents are thinking when they make that choice—how they came to abandon me, their own son, one day. Sometimes, I just cannot figure it out. Deep in the recesses of my heart, it’s as if a window has long been stuck open. Even as cold winds come and go, there’s no way to shut it, because I know my heart has already collapsed—has already been pushed to the brink of collapse. There’s no way for me to make everything joyful and carefree like it once was. Everything weighs down on my head, suffocating me to the point I can’t breathe. Time after time, I think about whether I should lower myself and live humbly. But then, time after time, another thought crosses my mind: Why should I do that? I haven’t wronged anyone—so why should I lower myself? I ought to hold my head high and let everyone know, let every single person who looks down on me understand: all those who scorn me will pay a heavy price for it. I’ve done it.

Father, Mother, perhaps to you I seem utterly terrifying like this. You never imagined, did you—that your son would turn out this way? Even though the beautiful era of ”ten thousand troops crossing the single-log bridge”* has passed, the truth is that we will always be walking tightropes. At that time, it seemed like the tests suddenly multiplied overnight, fluttering through the classroom like snowflakes, one after another. At first, people asked where all these tests had come from, but gradually, no one did anymore. It became second nature to grab them and start working. I remember the teacher once said: If you instinctively pick up a test and start solving it, it shows you’ve already entered the mindset of studying. Looking back now, at that time I had already entered that mindset early. Yet it gradually altered my entire life, rendering me numb. All I remember is time fleeting rapidly by, while the calm surface concealed deep undercurrents. Silently, Zhong Xinyun awaited a shocking eruption—to explode from the core not directed at others, but toward her own never-before-awakened potential. No one knew that this eruption was the result of her bearing years and years of unspoken grievances all by herself. They always thought that I had cheated my way into getting the best grades in class. In that moment, I wanted to cry so badly. I had poured all my effort into it, and yet the outcome was people doubting that my achievements were truly earned. No one had ever considered just how much my efforts had cost me, or how my hard work and sacrifices were proportional to my accomplishments.

*Translator’s note: ”Ten thousand troops crossing the single-log bridge” is an idiom that refers to the fierce competition in the Chinese academic system, especially during major exams.