Marvel: A Lazy-Ass Superman

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While the uncle and nephew were discussing the airline attacks—from international politics to the economic repercussions—Obadiah Stane’s secretary received a phone call and promptly relayed the message to his boss.

The prematurely bald executive wore a peculiar expression and gave his secretary a few instructions.

Naturally, this piqued Tony Stark’s curiosity.

”What is it?”

”Rhodey sent a requisition list to headquarters. He wants Stark Industries to provide the materials listed on it, along with trained personnel capable of operating the equipment.”

”If they need something, just give it to them. Doesn’t Stark Industries already have disaster-relief budgets and emergency stockpiles? Let PR handle it.”

The original purpose of those budgets was to provide immediate assistance when Stark Industries employees encountered natural disasters or other emergencies.

However, the resources could also be used to help unrelated disasters when circumstances warranted.

That was why Tony answered so casually.

”Apparently some of the requested items are unusual. PR wasn’t comfortable making the decision on their own, so it got escalated to me. I had them fax the list over here.”

”Unusual? How unusual?”

Tony found himself mildly interested.

Requests from New York City that differed significantly from standard disaster-relief supplies usually reflected someone’s personal initiative.

A short while later, Virginia Potts brought over the faxed documents and placed them on the table in front of her boss.

Tony picked them up and began reading.

The first several pages were fairly normal.

Some items even included notes explaining their intended use.

For example, masks and respirators were specifically requested because large quantities of toxic dust had entered the air at the disaster site.

Then he reached the later pages.

Tony’s expression immediately changed.

For a moment, he wondered whether someone had raided Stark Industries’ patent archives and research laboratories.

Several items weren’t even part of Stark Industries’ official projects.

They were private projects Tony had been developing on his own.

For example, coaxial multirotor aircraft.

Those had started as little more than hobby projects for fun. He only had a few prototypes sitting in his workshop behind the house.

There was also a terrain-scanning system paired with a multifunctional operations platform.

While it could certainly be used for disaster-response coordination, it was fundamentally military hardware.

Even the U.S. military possessed only a handful of units, mostly reserved for special operations command centers.

Ordinary Army and Marine Corps units still relied heavily on field commanders making decisions on the spot while generals in the rear worked from maps and imagination.

Many other requests simply described concepts or capabilities, asking whether major companies had products that fit the requirements.

And it wasn’t enough to provide the equipment.

Experienced operators had to accompany it.

Reading through everything, Tony suddenly thought of a possibility.

”Happy. My phone.”

Standing by as always, Happy Hogan immediately placed Tony’s personal phone in front of him and even straightened its orientation for good measure.

His business phone remained in Virginia’s possession.

Tony grabbed the device and hit a speed-dial number.

The call connected to a man who sounded far too busy for phone conversations.

The moment it connected, the voice on the other end said:

”Tony, I’m busy as hell over here. Make it quick.”

---

Henry had apparently pulled the phone slightly away from his ear.

His voice became more distant.

In the background, Tony could hear him issuing commands over a radio to personnel at the rescue site.

The police department’s forward command center had already assembled a large map table.

Although it was merely an enlarged street map of the surrounding area, it dramatically improved situational awareness.

Personnel assignments had been marked using whatever indicators were available, creating a battlefield-style command display that showed exactly where responders were deployed.

Tony said,

”You’re at the Twin Towers site?”

”Yes.”

Henry answered immediately.

”And don’t come here. Let me repeat that: don’t come here and make things worse.”

”I look like the kind of person who goes looking for trouble?”

”Put your hand on your heart and swear before God that you’re not.”

”Motherfucker, mind your own business.”

Tony had no intention of obeying just because someone told him to.

”I want to know whether that requisition list New York sent to Stark Industries was your idea. Did you raid my patent archives?”

The equally stubborn Kryptonian replied:

”Why the hell would I raid your patent archives? I’m a complete amateur when it comes to firefighting. I don’t know what standard equipment fire departments have.

”I just thought devices with those capabilities might be useful, so I requested them.

”And I sent similar requests to every company I could think of that might have developed relevant technology. If we can gather even ten percent of what’s on the list, I’ll consider that a miracle.”

Tony felt oddly slighted.

His voice rose slightly.

”Who exactly did you send these requests to?”

”Actually, when I submitted the list, I included several suggested recipients.

”I don’t know who the mayor’s office ultimately contacted.

”But I remember mentioning Oscorp, Lockheed Martin, your company...

”Oh, and Hammer Industries.”

”Hammer Industries?!”

Tony nearly exploded.

”You think those idiots can build anything useful?”

Henry answered dramatically:

”Right now this isn’t about whether something is good.

”It’s about whether it exists.

”People’s lives are on the line, and rescue windows don’t stay open forever.

”The better the equipment, the more people we save.

”If dog noses were useful, I’d recommend the mayor collect every dog in America.

”Unfortunately, not every dog can work in conditions like this, and gathering them nationwide would take too long.”

Throughout the conversation, Henry constantly inserted seemingly unrelated remarks.

In reality, he was simultaneously issuing orders over the radio.

Managing both conversations at once without mixing frequencies was impressive in itself.

Eventually, Henry’s irritation became obvious.

”You should be able to tell we’re drowning in work over here.

”Everything is being held together manually right now. We’re critically short on manpower.

”I don’t have time to chat.

”And seriously, don’t come here.

”You’ll just create more work for everyone else.”

He continued:

”The air quality is terrible.

”If you really want to help, send medical-grade masks or industrial respirators.

”One healthy pair of lungs—especially yours—isn’t going to magically clean the air.”

Tony frowned.

”But the news hasn’t mentioned air-quality issues.

”How did you determine that?”

For a moment, Henry sounded genuinely astonished.

”Jesus Christ, Tony.

”Two skyscrapers just collapsed and filled the air with concrete dust, and you’re asking whether inhaling massive amounts of particulate matter might be unhealthy?

”Tell me that with a straight face.”

His tone turned mocking.

”At this rate, when you die, I’m going to add a line to your tombstone:

’Genius in disguise. Idiot underneath.’

”At least familiarize yourself with silicosis.

”And I haven’t even started talking about all the other materials that went into constructing those buildings.”

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