Marvel: A Lazy-Ass Superman

Chapter 171: Chapter 171 – Been Wanting to Do That

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Of course, Vuk wasn’t going to let some lunatic in clown paint mess up his chance to claim the Phoenix Force. He didn’t even have to give the order—his second-in-command on the warship already had.

Two D’Bari strike craft peeled away from formation, banking low. Their plasma cannons lit the night sky, hammering the battlefield with rapid-fire bursts, all zeroed in on one target: Joker.

To them, he was a gnat. Annoying, distracting, but too close to the prize to ignore.

To Joker, they were exactly that—mosquitoes buzzing around while he was vibing to his own personal soundtrack. He winced, annoyed. ”Really? I’m in the middle of my scene here!”

One hand still tapping the beat, he suddenly snapped his wrist. The boombox he’d been carrying launched from his grip like a cannonball, slamming into the lead D’Bari craft at a perfect angle.

Metal screamed as the fighter veered off-course—right into its wingman.

The two ships collided in midair, exploding into a single fireball that lit the battlefield in orange and white.

”One shot, two kills!” Joker crowed, pumping both fists like a victorious prizefighter. Then, mid-celebration, his grin froze.

”...wait. My boombox.”

His face twisted in horror. ”No, no, no, no, no! I promised I’d return that thing! What am I supposed to tell them now, huh? ’Sorry, your stereo died a hero’s death in the battle for Earth’?!”

He paused, thought for half a second, then brightened. ”Actually... technically, I didn’t promise anyone to their face. So! No proof, no crime. Possession’s nine-tenths of the law, and guess what? The possession exploded. Case closed!”

The grin faltered again. His shoulders slumped. ”But... no BGM. And without music, all my Buffs vanish. Ugh. Forget this. I’m going home.”

He turned to leave—only to find Vuk looming over him.

The alien leader’s cold, masklike expression didn’t change as he spoke. ”I remember you. I hit you once before. You should not still be alive.”

Joker waved lazily. ”Put it on my tab. You owe me interest. I’ll collect later. Right now? Nap time.”

He turned away—

—and Vuk kicked him in the spine with enough force to snap a human in half.

Joker flew through the air, crashing into the brush. For anyone else, it would have been instant death. For him, it was... Tuesday.

He stood up slowly, weeds tangled in his hair. His painted grin masked his face, but his fists clenched tight at his sides, chest heaving, head lowered. When he looked up, even without seeing his mouth, the message was clear: he was pissed.

Vuk didn’t read human body language. He only knew one thing: his attack hadn’t killed this one. That wasn’t supposed to be possible.

Joker stalked forward, pointing a finger in Vuk’s face. ”Listen here, pal—I’m an equal opportunity ass-kicker. Don’t make me prove it!”

Vuk frowned. Twice now his physical strikes had failed. He shifted tactics. Energy crackled in his palms as he reached deeper into the Phoenix power, beginning to twist reality itself.

And then—

”Surprise!” Joker was suddenly at his flank, fist cocked back. ”Gender equality punch!”

His fist filled Vuk’s entire vision, slamming into his skull with bone-rattling force.

For the first time in his long conquest, Vuk’s head actually snapped back so far it nearly tore free from his neck. Stars burst behind his eyes. His mind reeled.

Before he could recover, Joker grabbed him by the collar, pulling him in close. ”Not enough, huh? Fine. Let’s test the limits.”

BAM.

Another punch.

BAM.

And another.

Each one punctuated with Joker’s mocking shout: ”Enough yet?!” BAM! ”How about now?!” BAM! ”Equal rights, equal fights, baby!” BAM!

Vuk’s Phoenix-augmented body regenerated the damage almost instantly—but every healing burst drained his focus, eating away at his psyche. Fear began to gnaw at him, alien and unfamiliar. His skin started to glow with leaking Phoenix energy, flames rippling across his body, uncontrolled.

Joker finally let him drop, dusting off his hands.

”Whoa, buddy,” he said, peering at the fire spilling off Vuk’s body. ”Careful there. You’re running hot.”

He unzipped his pants.

”Good thing I came prepared.”

Vuk collapsed, dazed, as Joker aimed down at him with manic glee.

”Fire safety first, my friend. And let me tell you... I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time.”

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