Marvel: A Lazy-Ass Superman

Chapter 137: Chapter 137 – Watch Your Language (Bonus)

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Tony looked about two seconds away from pounding a hole straight through the table.

”Hey, hey, hey!” Henry jumped in, hands up like he was trying to stop a rampaging rhino. ”Easy on the furniture, Stark. You break it, you buy it.”

Tony froze mid-slam, glaring at him.

Henry pressed on. ”Look, if you’re serious about starting over in your garage, then whatever’s in your bank account is literally all you’ve got left. Trust me, you really don’t want to blow cash on paying for a table. Best strategy? Don’t break stuff in the first place.”

Tony bared his teeth, pointing at Henry like he wanted to strangle him. His hands even curled into mock claws, reaching forward, then pulling back again, like a cat too indecisive to swipe.

Off to the side, the two Hepburn ladies watched in stunned silence. They’d never seen anyone try to cheer up a guy by basically stabbing him in the pride until he reacted.

It was like watching someone lie flat on the ground, refusing to get up—so another person just kept poking them with a knife until the pain made them stand. Messed up? Definitely. Effective? ...surprisingly, yes.

After grinding his teeth for a long moment, Tony finally snapped, ”Do you have to be such an ass about it?”

”Why not?” Henry tilted his head, studying him like Tony had just asked the world’s dumbest question. ”I’m not your dad, so it’s not my job to lecture you. I’m not your mom, so I don’t need to coddle you. I’m not your brother, so I don’t need to team up with you.

”I’m not your wife, so I don’t have to support you. I’m not your son or grandson, so I don’t owe you respect. I’m definitely not your employee, so I don’t have to kiss your billionaire ass.

”Hell, I don’t even know if we qualify as friends. We’ve met, what, a handful of times? But even if we were best buddies, I’d still tell it straight. That’s just me. I don’t lie.

”So if what I’m saying sounds harsh? That’s not my problem—that’s just your ears being too sensitive. Maybe ask yourself why it stings instead of whining at me.”

Tony’s jaw tightened. Henry didn’t stop.

”And seriously, what the hell was that when you walked in here talking about quitting Stark Industries? Do you think I get a vote in that? Do you think I want the blame for whatever dumb move you make?

”Because from where I’m standing, it looks like you’re just trying to set up a future scapegoat. That way, if you screw everything up later, you can write in your memoirs: Oh, I was young and stupid—I listened to my driver, poor me.

”Boom. Suddenly you’re not the idiot who tanked Stark Industries, you’re just the idiot who trusted the wrong guy. Still stupid, sure, but hey—not as stupid.”

Tony’s nostrils flared. He looked about ready to bite something. He swung toward the Hepburn sisters, desperate. ”Can I please kill this guy? Just a little?”

Smack.

Katherine Hepburn’s palm connected sharply with the back of Tony’s head. ”Watch your language!”

Henry almost jumped out of his seat. And then grinned.

The woman had just casually slapped the billion-dollar brain of the future Iron Man without batting an eye. Queen of Hollywood? Try Queen of Keeping Tony Stark in Line. Even Howard Stark had never managed it this well.

Somewhere out there, Thanos would be jealous. All the Infinity Stones in the universe couldn’t do what Katherine Hepburn just did with one hand.

Tony actually ducked his head, looking like a scolded kid. Henry cursed himself for not rigging up a recorder beforehand—this was pure blackmail gold, the kind of material you could use against Tony Stark for a lifetime.

Unfortunately, Audrey Hepburn wasn’t impressed with her assistant’s smug expression. She gave his arm a sharp smack. ”Do you have to talk to him like that, Henry? Ever think about helping Mr. Stark instead of insulting him?”

Henry rubbed his arm, putting on his most wounded puppy face. ”Boss, what help can I give? I don’t know what’s in old man Stark’s will. I don’t know the inner workings of Stark Industries.

”Honestly, you’d be better off asking a fortune teller with a crystal ball. Their guesses might be more useful than mine. If Tony wants real advice, he should go to people who actually know the company.”

It wasn’t cowardice—it was strategy. Henry wasn’t about to toss out half-baked business advice and end up holding the bag if things went south. Keyboard warriors knew better: mock people where it’s safe. Never give ammo that can boomerang back.

Tony, of course, pounced the moment he had an opening. His face slipped back into smug mode, voice dripping with disdain. ”Wow. Big talk for someone who’s basically useless. And here I thought you could do anything. Guess not.”

Henry shrugged. ”Of course not. I’m just a driver-slash-assistant. In Hollywood, I’m barely even an extra. Running a billion-dollar company? Way above my pay grade.”

But he wasn’t finished. He jabbed a finger toward Tony and turned to the Hepburns. ”Honestly, maybe we should just leave this guy here. Clearly, he’s not thinking straight. If we keep him in the car, we’ll all end up dumber from listening to him ramble.”

Smack. Katherine slapped Henry’s hand down, glaring. ”Manners! We brought him out, so we’re responsible for him. We’ll drop him off somewhere safe—like an orphanage. The nuns will take good care of him. And don’t worry, Tony’s worth more than enough without us leaving a donation.”

Ouch. Straight through the heart.

Tony’s smug act lasted all of three seconds before crumbling. ”I’m twenty-one! Legal drinking age! I’m not a damn toddler!”

Smack.

Another sharp slap to the back of his head. Katherine’s eyes narrowed. ”What did I just say? Watch your language!”

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