Limitless Evolution As a Snake

[SYSTEM: no! maybe! screw you. Anyway, yeah, she did take a skill; she took the evolution skill you just used on her! I know cause it’s still on cooldown for you, the lust surge thing. kinda funny cause when you evolve you’ll lose it, but she’ll keep it forever.]

Huh. Sucks for me, I guess, but whatever. Hope she only ever uses it on me; actually, it’s a pretty useless skill on me since I’m always ready for her anyway.

[SYSTEM: yeah, true, though knowing her she’ll find a way to make it a problem]

I loop my tail around the glass of gin and tip it, letting a little of the cold liquid slide down my throat while staring at the two lumps of blanket in the other room.

Peace, actual peace. Feels weird, like wearing shoes on the wrong feet, comfortable but not quite right. Me and old mate are always up to something, so it feels weird to just sip my gin and just chill.

[SYSTEM: anyway don’t get too relaxed mate, you’ve still got that kill quest hanging over you, and something tells me the universe doesn’t let blokes like you sit still for long]

Yeah, yeah. Let me have my five minutes, old mate.

[SYSTEM: Fine, five minutes. Starting now. four fifty nine, four fifty eigh-]

I mute the notification and just enjoy the quiet, ice clinking in my glass, two women asleep because of me, alive because of me, and for the first time in longer than I want to admit, nothing trying to kill me right this second.

Doesn’t last, obviously. It never does. But right now, in this kitchen, gin held by my tail, I’ll take it.

[SYSTEM: Oi, oi mate, it’s been five minutes, pay attention to me.]

Has it, though? Feels like thirty seconds.

[SYSTEM: nah mate, five minutes, on the dot, I counted.]

Did you fail year two? It’s been three minutes tops, I know because I can still feel the ice in my drink.

[SYSTEM: time flows differently in Australia, mate; don’t question it.]

Your accent is fake, your timezone is fake, and I’m starting to think you’re fake, but fine, whatever, show me the skills already.

[SYSTEM: YESSSS finally some enthusiasm, honestly mate sometimes I feel like the third member of your harem, always here, always ready to go, never asked for anything in return-]

I need you to stop talking now.

[SYSTEM: no fun. okayyyy here we go, three options, hot off the press, still warm.]

The air in front of me flickers and three panels snap into view, hovering right over my gin.

[SYSTEM: drum roll pleaseeeeee]

I don’t drum roll. I read the first one, and my brain does that thing where it goes very still and very quiet, the way a dog does when it hears a noise outside, except the noise is coming from inside the house and the dog is me, and I live here.

[Anaphylactic Bloom] (Rank: B)

Cost: 80 IP

Upgrades your base venom output. Instead of a single, clean toxin, your venom transforms into a rapid delivery system that triggers a violent, full-body allergic shutdown in anything with a working immune response. Slower kill, maximum suffering, perfect for making targets deeply regret existing before they cease to exist.

Note: EpiPens not included, guaranteed to turn your enemies into swollen wheezing balloons right before their lungs give up.

Cooldown: 12 hours.

Wait, hold on. So I just bite someone and their whole immune system throws a tantrum and shuts down? That’s actually terrifying.

[SYSTEM: yeah mate, overpowered as hell isn’t it. boom, dead. well, not boom, more like a slow wheeze into the void, but you get the vibe. Pro tip: grab their EpiPen first if they’ve got one; otherwise, it’s not really a fair fight, is it]

It was never going to be a fair fight; that’s the whole point of having a snake gun mouth and bat wings, but yeah, noted: steal the EpiPen first, got it.

So what, I just start selling this venom on the side? Like a little home business?

[SYSTEM: Huh. Didn’t think of that. Good idea, actually. Put a pin in it.]

I read the description again because it’s the kind of thing that deserves a second look, mostly out of morbid curiosity. Cool, cool, very normal skill description, nothing weird about that at all.

I tilt the gin with my tail for another swallow, because reading that in my head somehow made it worse, and I glance over at the two sleeping lumps in the other room just to make sure nobody’s twitching or wheezing; they’re fine, still breathing nice and slow, good.

Twelve-hour cooldown on turning a guy into a balloon animal. Sure sounds great. What’s option two?

[System: no fun, what a little puss.]

The second panel flickers up, replacing the first.

[Chromosomal Flip] (Rank: B+)

Cost: 69 IP

Target any living creature to temporarily invert their biological sex, instantly altering their body, features, and voice to match their opposite-gender equivalent. Highly effective for confusing enemies mid-combat, bypassing gender-restricted zones, or just messing with people for fun.

Note: Instant gender swap! Great for infiltration, trolling guards, or trying out a whole new perspective. Wardrobe adjustments not provided.

Cooldown: 6 hours.

I read it once. Read it again. Set down my gin, pick it back up, read it a third time. Okay. So I can just point at a guy, and he becomes a woman? That’s a button I could have now. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m more disturbed that this exists or furious at myself for being a little bit impressed.

[SYSTEM: yeah mate, it’s only sixty-nine as well, which, come on, that number picked itself]

You didn’t need to point that out.

[SYSTEM: I absolutely did; it’s the best part of the whole skill, honestly]

So what happens, do their clothes just, like, stay the same? Do they end up wearing a bra full of nothing or pants that don’t fit anymore?

[SYSTEM: wardrobe adjustments not provided, mate, it says so right there. Read the fine print. Not my problem if some bloke’s suddenly got a chest and his shirt’s stretched out like a pool cover]