I Siphon the Dead to Become the Strongest

While Ethan was busy having a mental breakdown over the System’s choice of vocabulary, Lindis was staring at the remains of the flattened moss ball with a look of genuine curiosity. She poked the green smear with the toe of her boot, her head tilted.

”What exactly are these things?” she asked, her voice sounding almost wistful. ”They’re so cute. And agile, too! They felt almost like slimes... just fluffier.”

Kaela sighed, her eyes scanning her own holographic interface. ”Yeah, according to the system window, they’re called Kokedama. Let’s see here...” She began to read aloud, her tone sounding like a bored professor delivering a lecture. ”They are masters of camouflage and ambush tactics. Because of their soft, spongy bodies, they are completely immune to fall damage—they just bounce. They’re extremely agile in grasslands and can survive indefinitely without food by absorbing sunlight.”

Lindis blinked, her eyes widening. ”So... they eat the sun?”

Ethan, finally recovering from his laughing fit, strolled back toward the group with a smirk. ”Basically. Just like plants, huh? Talk about a low-maintenance diet. I wish I could just stand in the sun and not have to pay for lunch.”

Zane, however, didn’t join in on the joke. He had a strange, contemplative look on his face—his eyes were squinted, his lip was pursed, and he looked as if he were trying to solve a complex math equation in his head while simultaneously smelling something foul.

”Wait a second,” Zane said, snapping his fingers. ”Isn’t it weird? When those things landed on the rocks, or when we pushed them toward the boulders, they seemed... I don’t know, agitated? Like they were suddenly in a bad mood.”

Kaela paused, scrolling further down the descriptive text in her window. ”Ah, here it is. It says they have a biological predisposition for soft, grassy terrain. They’re essentially ’grass-sexual.’ Their bodies are designed to synchronize with the earth’s vegetation, and when they touch cold, hard rock or barren soil, it causes a sensory overload. Basically, for a Kokedama, stepping on a rock is like us stepping on a piece of hot LEGO. It makes them absolutely livid.”

Ethan looked at the crushed monster and then back at the boulder. ”So they’re just little green divas who can’t handle a bit of gravel? I think I’m starting to actually like these things.”

Two hours later, the novelty of the ”low-maintenance” moss balls had worn off entirely. The serene meadow was once again filled with a sound that had become tragically familiar: Ethan’s voice, ascending to a pitch that only dogs and particularly stressed bats could hear.

”I TAKE IT BACK! I HATE THESE THINGS! I ABSOLUTELY LOATHE THEM!”

WHACK!

Ethan brought a baton down squarely on the head of a Kokedama. The creature emitted a muffled ”Mue!” and was flattened momentarily against the grass. For a split second, Ethan looked triumphant. But the creature didn’t stay down; instead, it used the impact like a spring, launching itself upward with a violent boing!

The moss ball became a green blur, ricocheting off a nearby tree, then a rock, and then the ground, circling Ethan in a dizzying orbit of fuzzy rage. Ethan spun around, swinging his baton wildly, looking like a man trying to fight a very aggressive balloon.

”OOF!”

Without warning, the Kokedama launched a full-body tackle, slamming directly into the small of Ethan’s back. It was a soft impact—like being hit by a very heavy pillow—but it still had enough force to send Ethan stumbling forward with a bewildered grunt.

”Get! Off! Me!” Ethan roared, twisting his body and swinging the baton in a wide, desperate arc to slap the creature away.

The Kokedama, however, was far too agile. It didn’t retreat; it used the baton as a stepping stone. In one fluid motion, it leaped from the wood, bounced off Ethan’s palm, and landed squarely on top of his head.

”Why you—! Get off! GET OFF!”

The creature began to bounce rhythmically on his scalp, treating Ethan’s head like a personal trampoline. Boing. Boing. Boing.

[System: Truly a majestic sight. I believe the technical term for this is ’The Great Green Scalp-Massage.’ Or perhaps we should rename the monster ’The Pom-Pom of Pain’? You really do have a natural magnetism for the most ridiculous forms of torture, Host.]

Just as Ethan was about to succumb to the indignity of being a footstool for a plant, three silver streaks sliced through the air.

SHING! SHING! SHING!

Three daggers embedded themselves with surgical precision into the bouncing moss ball. The creature let out a tiny, fading ”Mueee...” before falling limp, sliding off Ethan’s head and landing lifelessly in the grass.

Kaela stood a few feet away, casually flipping a fourth dagger between her fingers. She looked at Ethan, who was currently trembling with rage and covered in bits of green fuzz.

”Seriously, Ethan,” she sighed, her voice flat. ”You really need to step up your game. You’re making the moss look competent.”

Ethan slumped, staring blankly at the grass. ”Though it’s ironic,” he murmured under his breath, ”since I’m the one actually being stepped on.”

As he spiraled into self-pity, a holographic notification flickered into existence before his eyes, glowing with a steady, pulsating light.

[System: While you were playing ’Tramp-oline,’ I’ve been busy. Soul siphoning in progress... Integration currently at 78%. Keep the casualties coming, Appetizer; we’re almost at a breakthrough.]

...

Another hour had passed, and I had finally reached a state of spiritual enlightenment. Not the kind where you find inner peace, but the kind where you realize that your hatred for sentient shrubbery has officially surpassed your fear of death.

I had hardened my resolve. I wasn’t doing it for some noble sense of growth, nor was I suddenly inspired to master the art of combat. No, I was doing it for the only thing that actually mattered in this godforsaken world: money. Cold, hard, beautiful cash. Money rules. Money rocks. People love to spout that cliché about how money can’t buy happiness, but honestly? If they’re so eager to give up on the joy that currency provides, they can just hand their wallets over to me. I’ll be more than happy to take the burden of that wealth off their hands.

Zane had finally called for a ceasefire, announcing a one-hour break before we pushed deeper into the D-Rank gate. Nearby, Lindis was practically vibrating with excitement. She kept talking about wanting to meet more monsters, her eyes sparkling with a level of enthusiasm that was genuinely terrifying. She was way too excited to be eaten by something, but that was a problem for future-Lindis.

As for me, I had managed to defeat sixteen of those hairy balls. I’m calling it an amazing feat, even if I’m omitting the part where my teammates basically had to save my life every five minutes.

I wandered a short distance away from the group, seeking a moment of solitude—and a place where no one could see me if I failed miserably. This was it. The moment of truth.

I stopped in a small clearing and slapped my palms together, the sound echoing softly in the quiet air. I took a long, deep inhale, letting the scent of damp earth and impending failure fill my lungs, and then let out a long, slow sigh.

”Alright,” I whispered, my expression turning deadly serious. ”Time to see if the soul-sucking actually paid off. Moss ball skill... it’s your time to shine.”

I braced myself and focused on the energy humming in my core. Suddenly, a violent eruption of green aura exploded from my body, swirling around me like a miniature forest storm.

”GGNNH!”

I grunted, the pressure mounting as the power surged. My eyes began to glow with a strange, verdant light, and my hair flared upward, defying gravity in a way that would have made a 90s anime protagonist jealous. I felt a strange sensation at the base of my skull—a tingle, a growth, a sudden biological anomaly.

With a final, decisive exhale, I let my entire body go limp. I tipped backward, falling in slow motion toward the hard, unforgiving earth.

THUMP.

I didn’t hit the ground with a bone-jarring crack. Instead, I felt a plush, springy cushion catch my head perfectly. A small, thick patch of lush green moss had sprouted directly from the back of my skull, acting as a built-in, organic travel pillow.

I lay there, staring up at the clouds, my head resting on the softest thing I had ever felt in my entire life. A look of pure, unadulterated bliss washed over my face.

”Ahhh...” I groaned softly, sinking into the vegetation. ”Yes. This is the life.”

Skill Name: Chlorophyll-Cushioning

Rank: D (Utility/Passive)

Description: Why fight when you can nap? By sprouting a localized patch of hyper-dense, sun-absorbing moss on the cranium, the user transforms their head into a biological sanctuary. When activated, the user enters a state of ’Photosynthetic Peace,’ effectively becoming a human houseplant. While in this state, recovery speed is doubled as the user absorbs ambient solar energy. Warning: User may be mistaken for a decorative garden rock. Do not water.

---

I really wanted to give Ethan a cool, edgy blood-ability or a devastating strike. I really did. But then I realized that watching him get bullied by a sentient piece of lawn is infinitely more satisfying. Sorry, Ethan. 🌿

Who else thinks the ’Head-Pillow’ is actually the most useful skill in the series? I know I do. Imagine the nap potential!