Gun of Ashes

”What is your true purpose for doing all of this?”

Lorenzo asked, perplexed.

”You say you long to end the human struggle, to step into a great Ascension and make adaptive changes, but the you now is about to lose your way, which means, you are, in essence, about to die.”

”A person on the brink of death, completely lost...”

Lorenzo laughed as he spoke, recalling the figures of many people, those who would do anything to survive, even becoming monsters.

”Are you really trying for the continuation of humanity by attempting to make everyone ascend, or are you simply using this reason to justify your own insane behavior for the sake of your own survival?”

Lorenzo questioned Roger, who remained silent for a moment before speaking, yet not answering Lorenzo’s query.

”You think I would act so crazily under the threat of death... but what about you? Holmes, you are about to die now, why aren’t you afraid?”

Roger placed his hands on his knees, his posture ceased, and his face went expressionless. After Lorenzo spoke of his impending loss, Roger abandoned all pretense, revealing his body like a corpse.

”Because I haven’t lived long enough, I’ve only lived... just a few decades. I’m still passionate about this world, my mind is still single-minded, convinced to finish what I set out to do.

So my reason is still governed by anger, urging me to take actions that seem irrational, even if it might lead to death.”

Lorenzo answered calmly.

”I’m just not like you, living so long. The longer you live, the more time you have to think, and in that long span of time, many things lose their meaning to you.

Yes, that’s about it, I’ve never experienced what is called ’eternity and immortality,’ so I’m not afraid to lose it, after all, I’ve never had it.

But you are different, Roger Cruz, you’ve already tasted the delights of ’eternity and immortality,’ how could you now bear to part with it?”

Silence, always silence.

Their conversations were always like this, one would speak, while the other remained silent, then much later, there would be some response, as if facing a huge wall, you could only hear a faint echo after a long interval.

”Maybe, just as you say, I’ve lived too long.”

Roger slowly spoke.

”Everyone’s life is made up of different time periods, and the thoughts inside us at each time period are different.

Actually, often I can’t figure out whether I’ve been influenced by The Inexpressible to do such things, or if I genuinely want humanity to reach Ascension, or, as you said, it’s merely a fear of death.”

Roger seemed to be speaking truthfully, yet perhaps not; Lorenzo wasn’t sure either, as he couldn’t read any useful information from Roger’s mask-like face.

”I can’t remember anymore, Holmes, even if there were any great ambitions, as you said, they’ve subtly changed over the long years.

So, maintaining one’s original intent is indeed quite difficult.”

Roger reluctantly bowed his head, swept away the snow to reveal the transparent ice underneath, reflecting his face against the starlight.

”I thought I hadn’t changed, but each time I gaze into the mirror, I suddenly realize, I have become completely unrecognizable to myself without even being aware.

Holmes, you probably have felt this too, like at a certain moment when you look back, you realize you have become a completely different person from who you once were, leaving not just nostalgia but also a chill of fear and sweat.

Unconsciously, we have become such monsters, yet presume ourselves normal, singing our way toward a crazier path.”

Roger truly seemed to be baring his soul, thinking, after all, that Lorenzo, in his eyes, was just a dead man, so speaking to the Dead about these things didn’t matter.

”So maybe, just like you said, I’ve just lived too long, long enough that many things have blurred and changed.

Some things can no longer be discerned, all I can do is stubbornly believe and act, as it’s the only answer in this predicament, also the answer I’ve chosen.”

Roger stood up, slowly walking toward Lorenzo, each step causing the snow to tremble, the ice beneath cracking, as the world of the Gap began to shiver.

This was the countdown to death, the final sentence pronounced on Lorenzo.

”I guess Ed is the same, his resolute stand, what significance does it hold? The Watchers are destined to wither; all he has done is merely delay humanity’s destruction from morning to afternoon.”

Death remains inevitable, leaving only boundless emptiness.”

This wasn’t mockery, Roger was merely coldly stating facts.

In reality, Roger was unclear about what kind of person he had become, throughout his prolonged life, his awareness had undergone too many changes, influenced by the teachings of Secret Keeper, the meetings with Ed, and even the erosion from The Inexpressible.

He had long been lost, only blind and stubborn actions remained to affirm his own existence.

”Ed is aware of all of this, knowing such acts are futile, yet he still persists, like pushing a boulder uphill, regardless of the efforts made, the boulder inevitably rolls down.”