Gun of Ashes

”Love? What are you talking about? Mr. Holmes, don’t you think such a thing is too heavy and too luxurious for us?”

At this moment, Lorenzo also turned into a cute little dog in Erin’s eyes. However, this little dog was different from other dogs; it had sharp fangs, a fierce look in its eyes, and its body was full of menacing muscles.

Sometimes you can hardly classify him as a dog; rather than saying he’s a dog, it’s more accurate to describe him as a monster with a dog’s appearance. Yet, this monster is so pitiful, so much so that Erin wanted to reach out and pat his head.

As their eyes met, Lorenzo also realized the ridiculousness of his situation. Erin had completely blurred everything by now; perhaps it didn’t matter to her anymore.

”So what reason brought you back? You could totally run away, with your skills it wouldn’t be hard to find a place to live incognito, would it?”

Lorenzo remembered something. This was a conversation they had repeated countless times, but this time it was the closest to the truth.

Tearing off layer after layer of disguise, one lie after another, now Erin had nowhere to retreat.

”Before this, you didn’t even have to defect from the Iron Law Bureau, the incident with Ivar could have been a major accomplishment, you might even get a promotion and raise... So what exactly made you give all that up?”

”I’m tired, Mr. Holmes.”

Erin said, looking somewhat confused.

”Aren’t we all living dead? We are long since walking corpses. Although we can still speak and breathe, our ends have long been predetermined — everything we do now is just delaying the inevitable.

It’s like you; you’re a powerful Demon Hunter, but will you be slaying demons all your life? Or are you destined to die in some battle? I actually know this too. I’m destined to die in some failed mission, but upon closer thought, now I’m just repeating everything about this lousy life, whether the end comes sooner or is delayed, it doesn’t change anything.”

Erin looked extremely weary.

”Rather than that, it’s better to end all of this sooner.”

The room was terrifyingly quiet, smoke slowly rose, enveloping the two of them bit by bit. This was a nice scene, and Lorenzo somewhat relaxed, while outside noises occasionally seeped in as others were still busy cleaning up the place.

Underneath the peaceful atmosphere, waves of sadness surged forth.

Lorenzo looked at Erin with some sorrow, only now realizing the depth of despair in the woman’s heart.

Erin knew all too well, the so-called emotion; once she knew too much, it became transparent to her, she could easily show others the side of herself they longed for, layers upon layers of masks overlapping, inseparable from each other.

She was like a drowning person, unable to free herself from the murky ocean, not wanting to just sink and die either, she was caught in the middle, struggling painfully for a long time.

”I heard you were also a Priest?” Erin asked.

”Once, yes.” Lorenzo replied.

”I’ve never been to a church. Many times I’ve wanted to step into a confession booth, tell a Priest of all the sins I’ve committed, but I’ve never had the courage.”

Erin seemed to be regarding Lorenzo as a Priest, and began to ramble.

”Some things are too complicated to figure out, just like you. You’ve killed so many people, life to you is like something easily destroyed at the flick of a finger; I’m the same, the so-called love was just a tool for me. I’ve indulged in it so much, I no longer discern it from what they call tools.”

”Sounds truly awful.” Lorenzo said.

”It’s alright, I just feel somewhat sad.”

”Sad?”

”Yes, sad. I may never be able to truly understand what ’love’ really is. To me, it’s like a simple equation. You also saw the Moon, led astray by my hand; I know well how to charm others, how to capture them, even violent Ivar couldn’t escape.”

The cigarette burned out, Erin placed the butt on the bedside table, watching it quietly burn to ashes.

”After all, all of this is merely an illusion we imposed upon ourselves. The blood flows faster, the heart beats powerfully, the brain secretes intoxicating substances — sometimes being too clear-headed is a mistake.”

”You’re too perfect, Erin, perfect to the point you hardly seem human.” Lorenzo said.

”I realized this too; I have many identities predefined, you know? If you like passionate, I become passionate; the indifferent, I become indifferent — sometimes I almost forget who I am.”

Erin paused and then continued.

”I’m not Erin, I’m not Erin Adler.”

As Erin’s voice slowly lowered, Lorenzo noticed she had been staring intently at him. She then slowly leaned closer, reaching out to gently stroke Lorenzo’s face.

”But I’ve never tried to tame a monster.”

”I advise you against it,” Lorenzo warned.

”Just kidding, I’m tired of this,” Erin withdrew her hand, smiling mischievously, ”After Ivar, it’s hard to muster any interest anymore. I’ve caused many deaths, but this time it’s different; for some reason, I suddenly feel guilty, I’m sorrowful, I have to save Ivar.

Not for love or profit, I think you understand what I mean, right?”