Getting Warhammered [WH 40k Fanfic]

“So, I’m sure Octavian did his best to update you on the current state of the galaxy, filling whatever blank spots you had but I’m going to offer to do the same, if you have any lingering questions he couldn’t answer,” I stated, looking up from my experimental work and over at Alex who strolled into my … I guess it could be called my office, if you squinted a bit. It had bits of everything, from minor experiments to reports from my daughters. “In return, it occurred to me that you said you retained only most of the Prime Emperor’s memories. I want to know if there is anything crucial missing. I’m sure you’ve done a check for any blank spot already, and you know who I am and what I know for the most part.”

“He did his best, and while the ‘Eyes of the Emperor’ are an excellent source of information when it concerns internal matters of the Imperium, they lack much insight into what the enemies of mankind are up to as of late.” Alex sighed, plopping down in an armchair next to my desk where I was fiddling with a prototype organ I was still undecided on incorporating into my default Draugr. “You would know more about them, at the very least you would have a much greater insight into these ‘Tau’? I know the basics as the Imperium and the Inquisition’s Ordo Xenos see it, but I’d like to have your thoughts on the matter … and on every other outside threat as well.”

“Quizzed Veil on all the Xenos threats?” I raised an eyebrow and he nodded. “So that’s what I felt. That woman’s either going to go catatonic, insane or numb at this rate. I can tell you what I know, I guess.”

“Tau are … like humanity probably a few thousand years after my time, but more unified. They’ve got their caste system, but their tech is quite advanced for how young they are as a civilisation. Their Ethereals are probably artificial, there’s something shady going on with them, which I blame for their ridiculously swift advancement and unified culture. I know they can release these pheromones that make other Tau more mentally malleable and obedient, but they are also just … they came to the other Tau when the latter were beating each other to death with rocks and uplifted them into a spacefaring civilisation within the span of a few centuries. Even you needed to wait for thousands of years on Terra. They are dangerous not because of what they are, but due to their potential. Every other civilisation in the galaxy is stagnant, long past their golden age, but the Tau are racing towards their own golden age at this very moment. If given a few millennia to advance in peace, they might eclipse all other powers in the galaxy … except for the Necrons. They’re too bullshit. Even the Eldar are on the fall despite being from the same era.”

“Artificial?” Alex tilted his head. “Any idea who might have made them?”

“Fuck if I know, maybe an Old One that somehow stuck around? Maybe a rogue Drukhari Haemonculi that got curious? All I know is that the way the Tau developed is unnatural and that the Ethereals couldn’t have come from nowhere, yet all the records state that they ‘came from the stars’ or some other poetic bullshit like that,” I replied, rubbing my chin thoughtfully. “I’ve been trying to educate them a bit, at least the Sept I am in contact with. They are willfully ignorant of the supernatural, of anything and everything tied to the Warp. They call Psykers ‘mind-scientists’, if you can believe it. That should tell you all you need to know about their default mindset. Extremely heavy into science. Oh, and they once copied a Warp Drive but couldn’t figure out what the Gellar Field generator did so they ignored that, then launched the ship into the Warp.”

Alex grimaced. “So reckless scientist types unified by some artificial ruler caste?”

“Pretty much.” I shrugged. “You know the Eldar, they’re still there but barely matter. The Harlequins of the Laughing God are a menace but are few in number and the Drukhari are little more than pirates unless someone actually tries to invade Commoragh, when they might pull out some War in Heaven weaponry … if they can even still use one in their current degraded state. They might, or might not be able to. It’s not worth it to risk it, even for me. Orks are still the same, though more scattered than during the Great Crusade, even with that Prophet of theirs leading a massive warband. Much more handleable for my dominion and the imperium compared to the others, if anything.”

“But the greatest threats on the Xenos front are these … ‘Tyranids’, and the Necrons?” Alex questioned. “I … haven’t foreseen either of their emergence. It’s troubling. I’ve heard Aeldari prophecies and tales that spoke of the return of their enemies from a long-forgotten age, but they evaded my sight.”

“They have no souls and don’t interact with the Immaterium in any meaningful manner,” I continued, picking up a scapula. “Most of them are in Tomb Worlds that are covered in Blackstone Pylons that further dampened the Warp around them. It’s no surprise you couldn’t divine them, and I’m sure you heard of the ‘Shadow in the Warp’ that heralds the coming of the Tyranid swarm.”

“Troublesome,” Alex said, chewing his lip in apparent consternation. “Do you know anything about them that the Inquisition wouldn’t?”

“Not about the Tyranids,” I continued. “But the Necrons? Yes, yes I do. They are fractured, separated into Dynasties that war with each other. The Inquisition’s information is a bit faulty, because nine times out of time they’d encountered only the largest and most belligerent Dynasty, the Sautekh led by Phaeron Imotekh whom they call the Storm Lord. Most other Dynasties just sit on their asses and protect their territories, or wait for more of themselves to wake, besides the obligatory surprise attack if they awake in a world already inhabited by the Imperium — although, some Necrons just ignore human settlements on the surface like humans would ignore rats living in their sewers. The Great Awakening as they call it is not anywhere near complete, the vast majorities of their population is still in slumber, their tech unused. Now a question of my own, what do you think of the Inquisition? They’ve been acting in your name, with your authority for the last ten millennia.”

“They are … unfortunately necessary.” He grimaced. “I can see why Malcador would have sown the seeds for that organisation’s birth before he sat the Golden Throne, even if I dislike the lack of oversight and checks and balances they have … then again, that was likely what kept them functional for so long. Without a single governing body, it would be impossible to co-opt the entire organisation. They did necessary work to keep the Imperium running, not perfectly, maybe not even well in most cases, but they did.”

“Think you can co-opt them yourself? By their own words, their authority is borrowed from you and only your own word holds more weight than their own,” I questioned.

“Doubtful,” Alex continued. “They are a prideful bunch, and I doubt many of them will acknowledge me as the Emperor even with the Custodes vouching for me. With how scattered they are, attempting to take over that organisation in its entirety would be far more trouble than it is worth unless I was back in charge of my original body. I’d just be making hidden enemies by the hundreds who would turn their attention from their necessary tasks to attempt to stop my plans. Stealth and subterfuge would serve us much better, I think.”

“I suppose it does, then your existence and presence here would need to be concealed as well until the time comes,” I mused, then shrugged, continuing to fiddle with an experimental adrenaline gland I was thinking of incorporating in my more combat-oriented daughters’ bodies. For me personally, that approach worked wonderfully. If he proclaimed himself the Emperor Reborn to the entire Imperium, I’d have no end of crusades, assassination attempts and who knows what else plaguing me for years to come, Custodes orders be damned. “How is Octavian taking it?”

“As well as could be expected, he is a Custodian, he will persevere and come out of this stronger for it,” Alex said with a small shrug. “Their minds don’t break. That Inquisitor and her coterie however … I knew what to expect, but it’s still disconcerting to see it in practice. I’ve experienced being revered, it came with being powerful, but worship never sat well with me and yet, everyone I meet will likely see me as nothing more than their God-Emperor, or a pretender claiming to be him. This Imperium became everything I didn’t want it to be.”

“At least so long as they worship you, they don’t worship something else.” I shrugged. “It could be worse.”

“That it could,” he agreed, perking up at that. “So, Necrons. Anything else I should know? They seem to be the greatest danger right after Chaos, since you seem to be rather perfect for handling the Tyranid threat.”

“There is a civil war brewing within the Dynasties,” I said, smiling a little. “Some gather behind the Storm Lord, who wishes to see the galaxy brought to heel and the old Necron Empire re-established with himself at the helm. The opposing faction are the ones who answered the call of the Silent King, the ancient ruler of the unified Necron Infinite Empire, and their end goal is to reverse Biotransference. There are a few other smaller groups, but those are the two biggest and most powerful.”

“I’m unfamiliar with that term.”

“The process which fed their souls to the Star Gods — like the Void Dragon shard you entombed on Mars — and put their enslaved minds into immortal metallic bodies,” I said. “But that doesn’t matter in the short term, it’s just their overarching goal. The Silent King’s a bit miffed by the Great Rift messing things up, so he plans to erect a grand array of Blackstone Pylons that will project a Null Field across the Galaxy and forever separate the Warp from the material universe.”

“That’s … “ Alex frowned, then tilted his head. “Possible? Yes … but the souls … “

“Which they don’t have.” I grinned. “They don’t really care that everything with a soul will die miserably in agony unlike anything before, with the entire galaxy being turned into one extreme Null area. Guilliman is probably going to handle it though, maybe with a bit of help from your Throne-sitting self.”

“Hmmmm.” Alex frowned. “Soulless metallic constructs driven by personality engrams wanting organic bodies and fresh souls. I suppose not just any fleshy body would be sufficient to house their enhanced artificial minds. Still, that much would be easily solvable even without your help. It’s the souls that are going to be a problem.”

“You want to help them?” I asked, unable to keep the shock out of my voice, putting down my experiment. 

“If it benefits me, us, Mankind, and keeps them from genociding every living being and writing it off as collateral damage,” Alex declared resolutely. “The problem is that with the Warp in its current state, a newborn soul as complex as one a Necron would require would be like … like catnip to Daemons, drawing them in while they are still vulnerable. And that’s the least of the problems with that. Still, maybe just having them aware of the possibility would be enough to bring this Silent King to the negotiating table.”

“My thoughts exactly.” I grinned, and he gave me a squint. “I have a contact in Necron high-society, it’s a work in progress. I learned how to work the basics of Blackstone and Necrodermis from him … or rather, his underlings. It’s slow progress, but we’ve got plans.”

“The Inquisitor seems to believe Necrons are mindless automatons for the most part, with only a rare few capable of complex thought,” Alex stated. 

“And she would be right,” I replied. “I’ll send over a data packet, but the summary is that the higher up the hierarchy they are, the more free will and personality they retained from the biotransfer. Crypteks are the first rank where they can retain personality in full, though some don’t, and lords, what they call their planetary rulers, are the first rank where they have true free will. Almost all of them, to the point it may as well be universally true, look down on anything organic as lesser, ephemeral creatures with infinitesimal lives, though most of the competent ones can look past it if it serves their interests. The one I made deals with is a pathological kleptomaniac and the self-proclaimed greatest Archivist in galactic history with a museum the size of an entire planet, packed with dimensional technology that likely expands it even further. If it exists and is deemed “entertaining” enough, he will collect it.”

Alex had been pretty free with advice on psyker stuff and with help in my research so I saw no reason to make a big deal out of trading information. He gave it away freely first, so I would do the same. Simple as that. And if he eventually tried to betray me… I had plans, albeit entirely hidden from everyone except myself and mostly in pure theoreticals rather than experimentals. 

“Interesting,” Alex replied and I noted the glimmer of curiosity in his eyes when I spoke of Solemnace. “Well, you’ve satisfied my curiosity, so it’s probably time to reciprocate. You asked what memories of my original self am I missing and … well, there are three glaringly obvious holes in my recollection that I’ve found so far. One is my True Name, or rather, Big Me’s True Name. Second is Ennouncia, which’s been scrubbed from my mind and the last is information about the 2nd and the 11th primarchs. I suppose Big Me thought those were pieces of information I could use to do harm with even in my imprisoned state, or perhaps he made plans of his own after our separation that I’m not privy to. I could only see through his eyes during my imprisonment, I couldn’t read his mind or thoughts anymore.”

I leaned back in my seat, staring up at the ceiling as some of my more hopeful plans crumbled to even less than dust. I’d been working myself up to asking him about Ennouncia, or broaching the subject of Valdor’s little project to uncover the Emperor’s True Name. I had it all planned out, slowly building up trust with Alex, exchanging more and more personal and crucial knowledge and information until I could ask what I really wanted to.

Ennouncia would have been an absolute gamechanger. It was the language of the universe, the cheatcode of reality itself. A single random schmuck from nowhere-in-particular could warp reality if they could speak a single word of it properly, manipulating entire planets and possibly chunks of the galaxy, or shackling Greater Daemons to their will so tightly they might as well be potty-trained housepets. 

The Emperor’s True Name could have had us skipping over the vast majority of the odious quests in the ‘Resurrect the Emperor’ quest-line. It was a bit of a bummer as well, but it could have been worse. 

“Well that’s … suboptimal, but it would be a lie to say I expected anything else, we can’t have things easy in this dump of a galaxy,” I sighed with an amused huff. “Could be worse.”

“True,” Alex replied, watching me curiously. “Any other massive threats I should know about before we continue?”

“Hmmm.” I tapped my chin in thought. “The Necron Pariah Nexus, Tyranids in general, probably Abbadon’s quest for the Arks of Omen with Vashtorr and … that’s probably it? As for lesser threats and more immediately concerning stuff, Guilliman’s going to be in a spot of trouble in the near future during the Plague Wars, but your larger self should Deus Ex Machina his blue butt out of his predicament with little trouble while also torching a bit of Nurgle’s garden. I am also kinda at war with a Necron Dynasty at the moment.”

“A Necron Dynasty?” Alex’s second eyebrow joined the first one far up on his forehead. “This place doesn’t seem to be on a war footing.”

“It’s not, and hopefully it will never need to be, I almost managed to assassinate their Regent and did manage to kill the Royal Cryptek,” I replied with a shrug. “I know a way in through their defences and am just waiting on an ally to get off his ass, the Necron I mentioned I was working with earlier. I want their Throne World conquered, not destroyed, and only other Necrons can work their technology adequately. Unfortunately, my contact is a bit of a pariah and a member of the most isolationist Dynasty besides, but he’s convinced me that the Hollow Sun would be a fine enough prize to make even his slothful comrades get off their collective asses.”

Alex blinked slowly, then nodded. That was the entirety of his reaction — as far as I could perceive — on the news that I was aiming to get an alliance with a Necron Dynasty against another one I was at war with. 

“Could I tag along?” He inquired. “I would like to see these threats for myself, with my own eyes.”

“I can’t guarantee you will survive,” I said bluntly. “Against Tyranids, Orks, Eldar and Tau? Sure. Against Daemons and Necrons? No. My last foray into their Throne World nearly killed me, and Lords of Change have repeatedly managed to damn near manage the same. On that note, Tyranids also made a pretty good shot at it, though it falls flat when compared to the Necrons’ and the Tzeetchian Daemons’ attempts. Easier to counter, if requiring different types of caution.”

“That’s fine,” Alex said, bobbing his head with such casual nonchalance that it threw me for a loop. “I understand. There are risks to such things, though I would appreciate it if you … didn’t throw me in the deep water, as it were.”

“Let you get a feel for the chaff before taking you into a battle with their heavy hitters,” I mused, then shrugged. “I can do that. Sure.”

“Thanks! That’ll be all!”