Getting Warhammered [WH 40k Fanfic]

“Query: For what purpose have you interrupted my experiments?”

“My sincerest apologies.” Alvash bowed, not too deeply, but enough to show respect. Though the sheer terror I felt in his aura was telling another story. “I merely wished to introduce myself. I am Envoy Alvash, and I will act as the liaison between this crew and the T’au.”

“A worthless gesture,” Zedev said. His voice was static, more so than usual and his words came with mechanical precision. Is this asshole letting a program handle talking to bothersome people?“The data of your function would have been made available for my perusal either way.”

My lips pulled into a smirk as I stood, arms crossed, and watched over the strange encounter. Alvash couldn’t see me since he had his back turned to me, so I could show as much amusement at his suffering as I wanted.

Who told him to try talking to the resident Magos of all people? I told him Zedev wasn’t one for social pleasantries and anything else beyond his studies, but he seemed enthralled by the idea of prying information out of a Magos of the Priesthood of Mars.

“I’ll be on the command deck if you need me, Envoy.” I waved a little and turned to leave, just as Zedev snapped back to his minutely more lively voice.

“Your species has such an inferior organic design,” the three-metre-tall mechanical arachnid crawled over to Alvash. “Fascinatingly defective. Muscle mass is substandard, longevity is abysmal, and the one notable part are the visual sensors, but even those are ruined by their horrendous data-transmit-speed. Perhaps using one as a third visual sensor for their ability to sense ultraviolet and infrared light might have some merit … Query: Would you be willing to part with one of your ‘eyes’?”

“Why … ?” Alvash asked, sounding a touch overwhelmed and maybe a bit shrill at the end.

“Answer: I seem to have misplaced my Tau samples. Testing the merits of using Tau-sourced organs in my templates requires samples. Hence, my query.”

“No, I don’t believe I am quite willing to part with my eyes.”

“Clarification: I only asked for one. No plural.”

“My apologies,” Alvash said, gulping. “I’ll have to decline.”

“Disappointing.” Zedev lingered for a few moments, gaze fixed on Alvash’s still form. He glanced at me, still peeking in through the doorway at the curious interaction.

He seemed to see something in my gaze and backed off mechanically, his conscious mind probably back to his mental simulations and experiments.

“Come now, Envoy,” I said. “I think the rest of my crew might be more welcoming to your diplomatic advances. Aside from the Orks.”

“Y-yes,” said Alvash, quickly catching up to me and throwing a worried glance at Zedev’s still as a statue form. “Is that … being your ‘mechanic’?”

“Ah, in part,” I shrugged. “Zedev specialises in biology and genealogy. That is his passion, but he can do the basics of what can be expected from a Magos of his standing.”

“What exactly do you mean by that?”

“Which part?” I quirked an eyebrow, leading Alvash along the twists and bends while sneakily fending off one or two thrown rotten foodstuffs coming from some sneaky Orkz. “The biology part or the Magos part?”

“The biology.”

“Magos Biologists usually specialise in Xenology,” I said. “The study of the alien. They take it apart, find out how it’s made, what makes it tick and they figure out the best way to kill it. Zedev is a bit different in that his study focuses on improving on the human form by introducing alien genetics into it, or outright implanting organs.”

“I see,” said Alvash thoughtfully. “Is that a … regular practice among their Priesthood?”

“No,” I shrugged. “Which is why he is here, instead of back on a Forge World somewhere. He sure is senior enough to become an Arch Magos, but being a biologist makes most of his achievements invalid in the eyes of his superiors.”

“What would regular members of their order specialise in?”

“That, only they know,” I shrugged. “I’d assume building machines. Anyway, have you got any indication of how likely it is for your superiors to accept my request?”

“I do believe there is a good chance they would oblige,” he rubbed his chin thoughtfully, seemingly all too happy to switch topics from the Magos who was a hairbreadth away from prying his eyes out of their sockets. “You certainly didn’t ask for anything outrageous, just a sector you’d like to be deployed in as an auxiliary. The one problem might be that said sector is on the opposite side of the empire, getting there could be costly.”

“My ship has enough fuel to get me there,” I shrugged. “Only the shield and Warp-Generators are dead. Even with the regular drive, we’d be there in a month at most.”

“Truly?” he blinked at me, then hummed. “Perhaps. The one problem I could see is with someone from the Earth Caste with a Rank above mine getting a bit too eager about studying an intact Imperial Cruiser.”

“They would take my ship away from me?” I raised an eyebrow, my thoughts already spinning in dangerous directions. Actually, they can have this pile of crap. I can just program it to dissolve into dust in a week when it runs out of bio-energy. I’d love to see how those blue fucks react to that.

“You’d be compensated handsomely, if such a thing occurred of course,” Alvash said quickly, trying to appear placating. “With a new Tau-made ship perhaps, one larger and better equipped than your own to make sure you’d have the better end of the deal. I believe that might actually be a good thing in the long run, if your resident Magos is unable to fix your FTL drive.”

“Would you say that going along with a trade like that would guarantee that my request for being sent to the Jericho Sector is accepted?” I had to hold back my grin. The schadenfreude would just be too great. I got a free ship, and they got a ship that was just a prop for the most part and would turn to dust in a week. Free Tau-made toys to play with for the low, low price of some bio-energy.

“Why, yes.” He nodded. “I am merely an Envoy. Having the favour of Fio’O would certainly both speed up the bureaucratic process and give me much more weight in getting your request accepted.”

“Let’s go with that then,” I said with a smile. “I am not attached to this ship. Plus I’ve been long interested in the technology of your kind. Trading it for a Tau-made ship of the same size and equipment would hardly be out of the question.”

“Understood,” he said, squinting in thought as a slow smile spread across his face. “I will endeavour to get word out that you are up for such a trade. I’m sure the Fio’O of the shipyard we are heading to would be more than amenable to the offer. Yes, this could work out just perfectly.”

“Well, good luck with that,” I smiled at him. “There are guest rooms prepared around the command deck. Feel free to choose one if you want to stay on the ship. Your two guards can sleep in the side rooms as well.”

“Thank you for your generosity, Captain.” He gave me a grateful nod. “I believe it is best I prepare and make sure everything is in order to facilitate this trade. I fear there might be … roadblock on the way.”

Like the good captain of our escort ship? I thought. My drones already snuck inside the Tau ship and I had the man under constant surveillance. Tiny mosquito-sized drones outfitted with camouflage were far too much for Tau technology to detect, especially since they had no idea they should even be searching for something. That idiot is one wrong move away from an accidental heart failure. 

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” I said. “See you later, Envoy.”

“Indeed,” Alvash said. “Until next time, Captain.”

*****

“So what exactly do we have here?” I asked, my voice raised just enough to have more than a hundred dumb green heads turn my way. 

Orkz loved big open spaces. Probably because it let them go at it with each other much more freely and in much greater numbers without having to worry about hallways, doors and other silly things. 

So I, being the gracious boss that I am, designed their living spaces to be gigantic halls with colossal towers and arches holding up the deck above and below, making sure the ship lost none of its structural integrity. 

I was in one of those giant halls, the one closest to the top of the ship, and as such, it was the gathering place of only the largest, meanest Orkz. The birthing pools, humid lakes of mush infused with my bio-energy and filled to the brim with Orkish spores were on the lowest deck in contrast. Everyone who was up with me had to climb their way up, fighting tooth and nail for every staircase and walkway leading upwards.

It was an ingenious ecosystem, if I do say so myself. As for why being on the top was a good thing for them? Well, Throgg lived a floor above the top floor and the officer deck was just one level above that, with the command deck being another level above that. In short, they were closest to me here, and so they fought to be here. It was kinda cute, even if the only reason they wanted to be close to me was to get a chance at maybe beating me into a bloody pulp. Oh well, that was just them being Orkz.

”Da boss lady’s ’ere.” They murmured, almost as one. Though Orkz murmuring was just them not shouting, so I could hear their hundreds of voices mixing together quite clearly.

”Is she ’ere ta scrap?”

”She don’t look like much.”

”She’s weedy”

”I could take ’er.”

”Boss Throgg will krump ya real good even if ya do.”

”Would be worth it. A boss shouldn’t be weedy.”

I rolled my eyes. Orkz. Whatever, it’s quicker to smack a few of them around than to talk some sense into them.

“Which one of you was that?” I said, my calm voice easily reaching every nook of the hundreds of meters wide hall. “The one thinking he could take me?”

About half a hundred hands shot up that very moment with a chorus of “ME!”s, with the slower Orkz, the rest of them, followed along a few seconds later as their fungal brains either finally comprehended my question or just decided to stick with group-think and copy the Ork next to them.

“The five biggest ones out of you lot can try,” I said with a creeping smirk. “I want it decided who that is within the minute.”

”We could just go at ’er.”

With a tick of annoyance twitching across my face, I slammed my TK into the Ork that said that, plastering him across the floor.

“Anyone else with other smart ideas?”

”She could only krump one Ork. We could take ‘ere if we rush at ‘er.” One particularly large Ork shouted, one of who I suspected to be an up-and-coming boss candidate. 

I waved my hands and waves of Telekinetic force surged out of my body like physical waves, crashing into the crowd of Orkz around me and sending them rolling and sprawling.

“I am going to teleport the next idiot out into deep space and let them rot to dust,” I said evenly. “Now get fighting. I don’t have all day. One minute. The five largest ones left standing can try their luck against me, then I can finally get on with what I wanted.”

As the bunch I sent sprawling picked themselves back up and the rest that happened to be out of range looked at each other, they seemingly gave a collective shrug as if to say “What can you do?”

Then a fist went flying, the meaty smack of flesh on flesh heralding the start of the true fight. Not a moment later, they pounced, grappling, clawing, biting, kicking and just about everything else they could manage.

Orkz got ripped apart, others got smacked upside the head by detached limbs while others yet got buried under tonnes of Ork and perished in a rather pathetic way, crushed under the weight.

I crossed my arms, fingers rapping against my skin in a rhythm as I looked on with a bored look on my face. Inside, though, I was quite enjoying the show. Those Romans might have been onto something with their blood games, though I probably wouldn’t have been enjoying this quite as much if every single Ork was quaking in their boots, terrified of death.

It was also a nice little test. I’d been meditating, working on my mental defences and reworking some of my protections to better work with my passive empathy. I felt their emotion, that naked joy they had when their fists struck flesh and I let it flow through me. 

I sunk into my mind, my consciousness appearing atop my mental pyramid and looking over the landscape. Hundreds of lesser pyramids floated further down, connected to my own and some of their neighbouring pyramids through arching bridges of light.

It was an eerie, but nonetheless beautiful, sight. Watching as they all slowly revolved around the central pyramid and orbited around each other in a complicated pattern, all in utter silence had a majestic look to it that got to me even if it all was just a representation of my mind.

Then there was the new thing, or ‘things’, to be accurate. My newly implemented prototype defences. Below even the lesser pyramids, somewhere out in the depthless darkness, started a river of raging greenish power and it surged upwards, twisting between the pyramids and around bridges as it snaked its way through my mind before shooting for the distance in the opposite side.

It was one of many, though it was the thickest river. Many lesser rivers worked their way through the intricate mental constructs, never once touching anything and shifting out of the way instead of colliding with a pyramid.

I felt their joy, but not as my own, not anymore. It was distinct, now some detachment making clear what were my own feelings and what was not. It wasn’t perfect, far from it, but it was a start. Now, I could think clearly even in a circumstance as chaotically psychoactive as this.

It still lets foreign influence intrude on my mind though. A glaring weakness that I have no doubt Daemons and other Sorcerers would exploit with glee. I need to build some manner of containment around the rivers, or all together divert them to just run along the edges of my mindscape and only brush against pyramids / mind-cores dedicated to filtering through the data of my empathy.

While I was deep in thought, looking over my mindscape, the battle outside came to an end. Seeing the raging rivers still, as if pausing in a moment of suspension, I snapped my mind back to reality.

Before me, at five meters away, stood a group of five Orkz in various states of fucked-up. All of them were two heads above me and outfitted with weapons drenched in Orkish ichor.

“Well, it seems we have ourselves the winners.” I rolled my shoulders and cracked my neck entirely for show before giving a grin to the gathered group. “Just one moment you lot.”

I waved a hand, tugging on my bio-energy reserves once more and sent a swarm of glittering butterfly-drones out from my palm. “Don’t fight the butterflies. Anyone killing one isn’t getting healed.”

The swarm was gigantic, thousands of insects bursting forth, one each heading for a single groaning Ork. At first, they looked bewildered at the pretty insects darting for them, but as the first butterfly dissolved into glitter and subsumed itself into the Ork, instantly healing them back up, they started cheering and whooping.

Half a minute later, all the Orkz that were still alive were back on their feet, gathering around the six of us with eager anticipation. 

“I’m done,” I shrugged. “Come at me. Let’s get this over with.”