Fallen Mage Regressor

Mal’s head burned.

It was as if somebody had taken a hammer directly to his skull, cracked it open, stuffed something in, then hastily repaired his features with a generous helping of glue.

“Mal?! Mal, I’m so sorry!”

Mal slowly blinked his eyes awake. Red liquid streamed down his forehead. Instinctively, he touched his fingers to the wound and brought it over to his eyes.

Red.

Overhead, the blue sky flickered and dimmed, his vision fading black and coloring what he was seeing.

“It doesn’t look that bad,” a voice muttered. “Head wounds bleed a great deal, but they’re actually less dangerous than they appear.”

“You swung a rock at him, Rolam! His skull cracked open!”

Oh, it was nice to know that Mal still had a good grasp on his ability to discern things.

“Look, I was practicing rock throwing, it’s not my fault that he just happened to walk by out of nowhere.”

“Why were you throwing rocks in the first place?!”

Mal shifted on the ground. He placed his hands into the dirt and pushed himself up. Wooziness hit him, and he nearly fell over before he managed to catch himself at the last second.

“Mal?”

Mal turned in the direction of the speaker. Philo stared at him, eyes wide and shoulders tensed.

“How many fingers can you see?” He held them in front of Mal.

“Two.”

Rolam breathed out a sigh and the tension drained from his body.

“We’re still taking you to see Cassandra.”

Mal nodded. That sounded like a smart idea. If nothing else, he wanted to get this wound patched up.

At the edge of his vision, a strange transluscent blue window flashed for a split second.

Then it was gone as quickly as it appeared.

Must’ve been my imagination.

Mal hissed in pain. The white cloth against his head burned from the cleansing alcohol that Cassandra had put on it.

“Stay still,” she said. “You’re only making this more miserable for yourself.”

Mal grumbled a little, but did as he was told. Rolam and Philo had long since left him, being banished out of the clinic by Cassandra after she heard what had happened.

“So what’s the prognosis,” Mal said. “Am I gonna live?”

“Surprisingly, yes,” Cassandra said.

“What do you mean surprisingly?”

“Your friend there—I’m fully aware of his physical capabilities. You should be missing your head right now. The fact that you’re this uninjured is something of a miracle.”

Mal squirmed a little on the bed. The fact that he’d come so close to death, and it hadn’t even been from an enemy, but from his roommate was a little disconcerting.

Mal wouldn’t think about it too long. Best to do what he always did and—

[Welcome to the Compatibility Optimizer and Procreation Charisma Booster System!]

It was a blue translucent window with text on it. It floated in the air, detached from a string or a signpost of any kind.

“Cassandra?” he said. “Do you see that?”

She didn’t face away from his forehead. “Busy, Mal.”

”Please turn your head 13 degrees to the left.”

She sighed, then took away her rag and stared at the window.

Not a single flash of surprise. No stiffening. Nothing.

“What am I supposed to be looking at?” she said.

“You don’t see it?” Mal gestured at the window. “It’s right there.”

She furrowed her eyebrows together. “That wound must be worse than I thought. You’ll probably need some bed rest after this, and I’ll want to run a few more exams on you.”

Mal agreed with her. It looked like he was hallucinating. That seemed far more likely than—

The window disappeared and a new one appeared in its place.

[As a recipient of the Compatibility Optimizer and Procreation Charisma Booster system (or COCKS for short), your life is going to completely change. Before, you were a rizzless, lonely incel with zero romantic prospects. But thanks to the system, you’re about to become the talk of the town!]

Mal didn’t know what an incel was, but he felt some sort of gut reaction of offense at the fact that he’d been called such a term.

[Benefits of the system include]

Affection meter tracking!

Leveling up!

Charisma skills to further enhance your chances!

Dialogue options at pivotal points!

And so much more!

The window disappeared and one more came in.

[And now, it’s up to you. Change your fate! Get a girlfriend! Get killed by one of your many jealous harem members. The choice is yours!]

The window disappeared and this time there was no more to replace it.

Mal was in so much shock that he couldn’t even feel the alcohol rubbing against his forehead. At this point, he was about 95% sure that he’d completely gone insane, and that he needed to ask Cassandra for immediate extraction to a funeral home for his incoming death by brain aneurysm.

Cassandra lifted the cloth away from his forehead and set it on the table. “Alright, just about done.”

He was about to respond when he noticed something peculiar over her head.

A name.

And... a bar with some text in it?

Cassandra Ecluse

Affection: 40/100

He opened his mouth to speak—

Then the world froze.

His body was completely still. Cassandra was suspended in time, her eyes lifeless and her limbs perpetually in that same pose that she’d just been in.

A window popped up at the bottom of his vision with three options.

[Thank you, Cassandra.]

[You’re so annoying, why do you keep fussing over me?]

[I wish you could do this for me more often.]

What?

Mal’s brain slowed down as he tried to understand what was happening. They were... choices. He could choose what to speak. But it had to be from those three options. This hallucination was getting more and more confused by the moment.

He couldn’t move his arms. Familiar with magic, he attempted to select option one merely using his mind.

Suddenly, the first option grayed out.

Another window popped up to the right.

[As a special bonus, due to this being your first usage of the dialogue system, the system has automatically chosen the highest performing option!]

The second option grayed out, leaving only the third.

Time restarted. Mal’s lips moved on their own, against his will.

“I wish you could do this for me more often,” Mal said.

What the hell? It’s not me!

Cassandra scoffed. “What, clean up your injuries?”

Mal had to explain what was happening. Or at the very least, try to brush off what he’d just said as a strange—

“Yes,” he said.

He hadn’t meant to say that. Was some other entity still in control? What was happening?!

Cassandra shot him a funny look, eyebrows furrowed and confusion evident in her eyes.

“Why would you want to do that?” she asked.

“When we’re like this, I get to spend time with you,” Mal said. “Is that so wrong?”

Cassandra’s face cracked and a small smile crossed her lips. “You’re unusually sentimental today.”

“I suppose that being by you brings out that side in me.”

At that, Cassandra laughed. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to flirt with me—”

“Is it working?”

At the seriousness in his tone, Cassandra stopped.

[+10 Affection!]

And then, to Mal’s horror, a rosy flush appeared on her cheeks. She coughed into her hand and faced away from him.

“I—” She stood up from his bedside. “I need to go out. To do things.”

Mal opened his jaw and realized he was in control of his vocal cords.

“Wait,” Mal said. “Don’t go, there’s something I need to tell you.”

This time it was him. He needed to explain that the earlier sentences were someone else.

[+5 Affection!]

She quickly backpedaled from the bed.

And practically ran to the door.

”Your injuries should be fine. You don’t need to see me again for the rest of the day. Or the week. In fact, our lessons are cancelled.”

She then stepped out of the door and slammed it behind her.

A window popped up in front of Mal.

[MILF Route Unlocked!]

Mal didn’t know what that word meant. He didn’t want to know. In fact, he tried to scrub that entire encounter from his mind as best he could.

He stepped into his dormitory and walked over to the living room chair. His rear end collapsed into it and he buried his head in his hands.

At this point, he was absolutely certain that he wasn’t hallucinating anymore. He was clearly under some sort of curse or spell. Perhaps an Archon had decided to mess with his head? Maybe he’d accidentally done an ancient ritual in his sleep? Mal didn’t know, but he had to find out quickly, otherwise things would spiral more and more out of control with Cassandra. And he needed her on his side for further advancement in witchcraft.

Besides that, Mal was against romance in general. He wasn’t a suitable romantic partner for anyone in light of his past crimes. On top of that he simply had no interest in it at the moment. He refused to be pressganged into it by some rogue god.

The door opened up and Mal peeked out at it through his fingers.

Lusia.

His most reliable ally, and sworn servant as of a few weeks ago.

Loath as he was to bring her into this, he was beginning to suspect that he would need more allies to hunt down and figure out exactly how to reverse whatever had happened.

He took his hands off his face and faced her more directly. She walked up in front of him and bowed.

”Master, I’ve come seeking assistance regarding my core. The latest exercise you taught me...” Her voice trailed off. ”I’ve been struggling with it.”

Mal thought about it for a bit before he nodded. ”Of course. Let’s work through it and see if I can give you a hand.”

He’d tell her about it later. Right now, her needs came first.

Instinctively, his eyes rose up above her head toward the window screen thing.

Lusia

Affection: 83/100

He grimaced. Why was that number so high? If the curse was right, then that meant that Lusia liked him significantly more than Cassandra. How would that make any sense?

Then again, her facial expressions and general lack of emotiveness made reading her exceptionally difficult, even for him, who’d known her and been paying attention to her for several months now at this point.

He stood up and walked over to his room. The two of them sat down on the floor and he stretched out his hand. Lusia gripped it and he guided her through the mana exercise.

[+1 affection!]

[+1 affection!]

[+1 affection!]

Mal stared at the incredulous stream of windows.

”Master? You paused.”

”Oh. No, it’s nothing.”

[For successfully gaining 50 affection, you have leveled up!]

[Skill Gained: Big Damn Heroes]

[Once per day, if a heroine is at risk of injury, you will protect them from harm automatically. Not only that, but you’ll do so in a way that’s guaranteed to sweep them off their feet!]

Mal raised an eyebrow. If it actually worked, that sounded like a pretty helpful skill.

And then a rock flew through his window straight at Lusia’s temple.

Under normal circumstances, Mal wouldn’t have been able to catch it. Not even he was capable of such intense reaction times.

But something in his body compelled him to move before he even knew what was happening. He tugged Lusia back into his arms and the rock flew past her and into the wall.

”Oh, shit!” a voice shouted from outside.

”Rolam, we talked about this!”

While the two argued outside, Mal found himself thanking his lucky stars that he’d gotten that skill when he had. Otherwise—

And it was then that Mal realized that Lusia was being held in his hands, her body pressed to his own, and her face only a few scant inches away.

Her cheeks had the faintest red tinge.

Her lips were incredibly close to his own.

Mal shoved her back and scrambled to his feet. ”Wow, thank goodness, that could have been really bad.”

She looked away and nodded.

[Maid Route Unlocked!]

Mal felt his soul leave his chest.

Mal had retreated to the library.

He’d found a section that even the cleaners missed regularly, based off of the way that cobwebs stuck to the bookshelf’s interior and the way dust had kicked up when he tried to pull out a single tome.

He didn’t want to risk unlocking any more of these ”routes”. Nor did he want to risk raising affection with any of his female acquaintances any further.

Instead, he would figure out the source of this curse on his own and remove it by force. If need be, he’d even go to Golial for help. That was how desperate he’d become.

He had never before in his entire life seen Lusia make such an expression. If this curse was capable of warping reality to this degree, who’s to say it wouldn’t warp it in more twisted, harmful ways? No, this curse had to be destroyed.

”Ah, my dear rival. I’m pleased to see that you’ve been as diligent as ever.”

Mal’s heart left his chest. He slowly put down the massive tome in his hands.

Behind it was Princess Savaly herself. A small smirk played across her lips and her eyes were half narrowed in a way that made Mal feel extremely uncomfortable to be in the same room as her.

Princess Savaly

Chama

Affection: 100/100

But.

”Yes, that’s me. Studying as always,” Mal said.

[+20 affection!]

The number above her head didn’t go up any further, presumably because it was already maxed out.

What is with this woman? I didn’t even say anything!

”Have you reconsidered my offer of becoming my vassal?”

”No.”

[+20 affection!]

Mal screamed inside of his head at the top of his mental lungs.

”That’s a shame,” she said.

She stepped over to his side and leaned over his shoulder at the book he was reading.

At any other time, Mal would have dismissed it as an amusing example of the Savaly’s utter lack of care toward boundaries.

But now, in possession of the knowledge that she had 100 out of 100 affection, he couldn’t help but examine her closer out of the corner of his eye.

Her pupils were dilated and her breath was heavier than normal.

This is fine, Mal thought. This is totally fine. I must be in a dream. I’ve completely lost my mind, and that’s okay, because what happens here won’t affect real life.

And then the world froze.

Three options.

[Yes, I’ll be your vassal! I changed my mind!]

[You’re a little close, but I don’t mind that.]

[Marry me.]

What were these options?! What sadist was writing this?! Every single one of these was terrible, and would almost certainly lead to an increase in affection.

Then again... she was already at max affection, so that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing per se.

The concerns were the two options that could lead to actual, physical consequence—asking to be her vassal and... marriage.

While he doubted she would agree to a proposal, he wasn’t willing to take that risk given how the system was apparently capable of bending reality—that incident with the rocks and Lusia had proven that.

No, there was only one decent option.

”You’re a little close, but I don’t mind that,” he murmured.

She stiffened.

Mal wasn’t in control. Whatever entity that had written the dialogue was now piloting his body, and probably would be for the next minute. All Mal could do was pray that it wouldn’t be too embarrassing.

Savaly’s breathing turned heavier and heavier. She slowly tilted her head. Her hand snapped up around his collar and grabbed it tight.

”Is that so?”

She leaned in closer. ”The ever-vigilant, always rebellious Malfrasius Patoal—someone who refused a direct invitation to become my direct vassal—doesn’t mind it when I’m like this?”

[+50 affection!]

[+50 affection!]

[+50 affection!]

All he does is give one positive response, and she completely freaks out?!

Mal was wrong. All of the options were equally terrible. He was about... with the way she was looking at him like a piece of meat, Mal was deeply concerned that he wasn’t going to leave this library with his chastity intact.

”You have beautiful eyes,” the thing controlling his lips said.

”Thanks, your kids can have them too.”

WHAT.

He forced against the presence controlling his body. He forced against the system. He pushed his mana into every pore of his muscles and—

The sound of glass shattering.

He regained control of his limbs, sprang up, then ran directly out of the library.

”Wait, come back! We can talk about heirs later!” she shouted behind him.

Mal’s footsteps sped up as he fled into the night!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

Mal stared at the stone in his hands.

This had been the cause of his current nightmare. This had been where everything had gone wrong. It was because of this, that Savaly had been on the verge of committing a crime against his pelvis. It was because of this that Lusia had become completely out of character. It was because of this that he’d flirted with his teacher.

And so, he figured, it was because of this that he would manage to restore himself to normal.

Plumb out of options, unable to return to the library because of Savaly’s presence, he bashed his head with the stone.

The world went white and he fell to the ground. His consciousness flickered in and out for several long minutes.

”Mal?”

”Mal, what are you doing here?”

Mal blinked his eyes open. Rolam Knilum was standing over him, elven ears twitching and eyes widened with concern.

”Oh, thank goodness, I thought you were going to die there!”

A few hurried footsteps.

”Master. I’ve been searching for you.”

Mal tilted his head in Lusia’s direction, already anticipating the cursed numbers over her head.

He gasped.

They were gone.

”Oh, thank Eternus,” he groaned.

”Thank Eternus for what?” Rolam asked.

”You don’t want to know.”

Rolam stood up and held out his hand. Mal grasped it and Rolam pulled him up.

In spite of the fact that Rolam had been the original cause of all this, Mal couldn’t help but smile. At long last, the nightmare was over.

Seeing this, Rolam smiled in return.

And then a window appeared in front of Mal’s vision.

No. Oh, Eternus, please, no.

Mal dropped to his knees, expression crumbled to pieces in an instant.

[Bro Route Unlocked.]

”Nooooooooo!”