Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

Having had a day to think about it, or let it sit in my brain dead subconscious and ferment for a day anyhow, which is sort of like the same thing, I think I thought of something in the here and now that would have blown back in the day me’s mind. I’m not sure if it’s better or worst that the thing that breaks that old chain of logic that I used to hit the fundies with is something that I’m sort of a Goddess of here and now.

When I say ’sort of’, it’s because Agency, Egalitarianism, and Redemption aren’t technically my ’Domains’. Yeah, they’re things I value, things I hold near and dear and will definitely shred a motherfucker for fucking around with for anything short of life or death. Fuck, I’m gonna give people serious side eye for doing it even then, because it’s way too easy to get into an endless cycle of ’we have to keep those people locked up, because if we don’t they’ll kill us, because we locked them up’.

But you don’t take Agency away from somebody more thoroughly than killing them, and I am a Goddess of Justified Homicide and Vengeance. I guess technically the existence of bloodplay means that Bloodlust need not be a Domain of killing assholes who desperately deserve it, but then again...

Fuck, I just realized that the other day I was fantasizing about just that. Bloodplay. Which wasn’t something I ever got into back in the day, despite my teenage edge lord phase going harder than it had any right to, and as a brown teenage orphan living in the hood, I think my edge lord phase had the right to go pretty fuckin’ hard. But now I’m all ’hurr, hurr, hurr, tongue on bloody bits make Tabby horny’. Which hits entirely different when I haven’t had a visit from the red tide in years now.

Shit, that’s another thing some of my girls might have issues with, and I really don’t want to give that talk fifteen times. Maybe I can put together some kind of presentation and just give it to all of them at once. It’s just hygiene, after all. Also, I already talked to Maze about it once, and hopefully she won’t troll them about that.

Okay, yeah, I can’t see her trolling to be mean, but I can totally see her doing it for the lulz, and given that Goddesses apparently aren’t prone to menses, that means I’ve only got to give that talk, uh, four more times. Five if Ria hasn’t gotten it yet. Shit, maybe I can get Tallulah to give that talk.

Look at me, four digressions in and still going deeper. Almost like with Saffron’s fingers. And that’s all five, so here comes the word salad!

Back at my point, Agency. The whole ’if God is Good and Omnipotent, why do Bad Things Happen’ falls apart if the Deity in question values actual Agency more than any other thing. If people don’t have the Agency to do Bad Shit, they don’t really have Agency. Like if you don’t have the right to opt out of it, you don’t really have freedom of religion, just a choice of which cult to cheer for. Yeah, if I somehow got my mental shit together and managed to multitask like Dad and Marie, I might be able to be the guardian angel for every Human Adjacent person in the Alliance. Shit, I could even do that for the Kraken, or even the Dragons if they could behave in a marginally civilized fashion.

But the moment I stop a nominal Adult from doing Bad Things to another person, I’ve harmed their Agency. Which, to be clear, I will absolutely do for my family, which means I’m a shit Deity, even if it also means I’m just a Human Adjacent Mom and Wife who cares about her kids and partners.

Then again, I haven’t really threatened anybody with my Maw except Deities, who are a whole ’nother issue to Mortals. Yeah, maybe Archmagi and really powerful Shapers are in the same category. If some Mortals like that are, then somebody with the kind of power and influence that Lenny and Ophelia have might count too. There’s a line, sure, and I’m not sure where it is yet, but anybody who’s above it needs to fuckin’ step carefully. Maybe it means I’m not Good, but as noted my Moral Compass does not point toward Good and Evil. I think stepping in and saying, ’okay, it looks like you’ve employed your Agency in a way that harms the Agency of tens, hundreds, thousands, millions, even billions of others, so now you’re gonna have to look into some Redemption’ isn’t a step too far.

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. I didn’t design the fuckin’ universe, I just live here and apparently have been tapped to judge the whole thing and shut the lights down at the end. But if at the end I look in the mirror and can honestly say ’you did everything you could to give everybody real, meaningful choices as often as possible’, I won’t feel the need to throw myself into my own Maw for malfeasance. Maybe. No way to be sure, but at this point I think it’s a good enough goal to shoot for. Not beating myself up for no good fuckin’ reason.

Speaking of people being beat up, just before sunset yesterday Lemmy showed up at the house and banged on the doors loud enough to roust Marie and I out of the Bedroom. She landed behind him, absolutely silent as she glared at him from behind.

I jerked my head once as I gripped his shoulders, massaging gently. ”Lemmy, who did this to you? Wait, no, lemme help you out.” I Shaped Heal Injury and tagged him with it, watching as the bruising and swelling around his eyes receded, the cuts on his lips sealed themselves up, and he stood just a touch straighter. ”Okay. Now, start at the beginning. What the fuck happened?”

He opened his mouth as if to bark at me, then closed it and very obviously took himself in hand, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. When he opened them again, he looked way less furious and panicked, but way more hurt and betrayed, as if that made any sense at all. ”Your Imperator sent messengers asking us to check in on the coastal watchtowers near Boltophsberg.”

I rocked my head to the side and back. ”Okay. I’ve been out of circulation for a bit after dealing with the Kaiju and fuckin’ Lyssa, but I remember her saying something about the storms fucking with our ability to Scry on the watchtowers. She asked you to check on them?”

He’d tensed when I mentioned Lyssa, but at my question he shrugged with one shoulder. ”Not I, personally, but our new government. We sent a pair of Adventurers, a Shipwright, and a Courtesan to look in on them.”

”Them?”

He nodded. ”Your people. Your towers. There are three closer to Boltophsberg than to New Amsterdam. Vyenemoinen declared we would do this thing out of solidarity with the Alliance, since you came when we asked for assistance with the Kaiju attacking our City. Our Council decided on the group; two Adventurers to deal with any winter hazards, a Shipwright familiar with construction to help with any structural problems, and a Courtesan familiar with Healing to assist with that if needed.”

I nodded. ”Okay, makes sense. What happened?”

”Your people are what happened!”

I blinked. ”Uh, more details? Did our guys do something to yours?”

He shrugged again. ”When our group did not return on schedule, I thought to check personally. With the weather rough, even those Adventurers capable of flight could not reach the towers quickly. But travel in the Realm of the Gods is harder to interrupt. At the first watchtower, your people greeted me,” he paused, like he wanted to say something negative, but the best he could come up with was a huffed out, ”cordially. Nothing I could fault them for, if they’d been cooped up in that tiny tower through the storms and subsequent snows. But they shared their bread and beer, and told me our people had visited roughly when we thought they should have.”

”Okay, and then?”

”I travelled to the next, again via the Realm of the Gods, where again your Heroes greeted me, albeit this time with more hospitality.”

He had that smug grin guys got sometimes, so I shook my head. ”Did she say yes?”

”Loudly enough that the others complained that we disrupted their rest.”

I rolled my eyes, shook my head, but just squeezed his shoulder and said, ”hey, as long as you were both into it, I’m not gonna make a big deal out of it. Try taking her to M-Sp... The ’Realm of the Gods’ next time though.”

He blinked at that. ”You would truly sully the Divine with that?”

”I’d ask if you’ve ever done it there, but I think my Bedroom kinda qualifies.”

He got a faraway look, then shook his head. ”At any rate, they’d also been visited by our delegation, but later than expected. The roads had been coated with snow and ice, enough to make travel hazardous, even for a well provisioned group such as theirs.”

”Okay, so I’m guessing the third watchtower is where you got your ass beat?”

His eyes narrowed. ”How would you know that, if you did not prompt this betrayal?”

I sighed, giving his shoulders a little shake, bringing some sneaky tentacles around behind him in case he lunged at me. I didn’t want to be the one to make a diplomatic incident worse, and I knew I could hold him still if I had to. ”Process of elimination. You were visiting three places, got a meal at one, fucked somebody at the second, which makes the third the place that you got the shit kicked out of you. Unless you’re into rough stuff and that happened at the second?”

He just snorted and shook his head. ”I did not ’get my ass beat’. When I announced myself as Lemonkyenin, boon companion of Vyenemoinen, lover of Pyevatar and Ilmatar, Patron Demigod of Courtesans, the men of your third watchtower, who had already armed and armored themselves before my arrival, attacked me!”

Something about his description caught at me. ”Wait, Armored? Armored how?”

He snorted. ”With the full carapace you southerners are prone to clanking around in, of course.”

Kitten? You listening to this?

The next moment she was there beside me. ”It has been more than a year since any Alliance forces wore that kind of gear. The only remnant sets are a few held by the wealthy, who tend not to be assigned to watchtowers, and the Priests of Ares still extant in our Cities.”

”We still have those?”

She shrugged. ”They are unpopular and I wouldn’t trust them with so much as routine traffic duty at normally unmanned City gates, but I will not have it said that the Alliance is any less tolerant than Phileo.”

”Huh. Okay, fair point. Freedom to choose means freedom to be a dick, I guess. Anyhow, Lemmy, what did the rest of their gear look like?”

He shrugged. ”Spears, swords, shields. All of it looked southern to me, I find it hard to distinguish gear from City to City.”

I took a deep breath. Lemmy really was trying to be diplomatic at this point, I think. ”Uh, shape of the shields, was it round, rectangular, or kite shaped?”

”Kite?”

”Flat across the top, pointy at the bottom?”

He nodded. ”Nothing like that then. They were round, like a blessed young woman’s bosoms.”

Yeah, diplomatic or not, he was staring at Saffron’s tits as he said that. I wasn’t gonna get pissy with him, because if she was in front of me I might have been staring too, but I also wasn’t gonna actively encourage him fantasizing about my Kitten’s love mitten while he plowed his boon companion’s wives. Yeah, love mitten: ’for putting entire hands into’. Slang term approved.

At any rate, my digression habit aside, I looked at Saffron, tore my gaze away from her clearly superior bosoms, and met Marie’s eyes? ”Spartans?”

Marie took a deep breath and sighed. Saffron explained, ”shields and weapons like that could be from a number of Greek Cities. A few favor square shields like ours, and a few kite shaped, but most of the southern Greek Cities use round shields, typically larger ones than the Celts or Norse.”

”Well. Fuck. I’m sorry, Lemmy. Looks like some Greek assholes took over one of our towers. I’m surprised they managed to beat the shit out of you, though.”

At that Marie growled out, ”Spartans.”

”While we can’t be certain, I’m leaning that way myself, love.” Saffron turned to Lemmy. ”How many did you encounter before you came to report them to us?”

”I fought with four, but there looked to be more within the tower.”

I sighed. ”Shit. Time for me to go back to work?”

Saffron echoed my sigh, then nodded. ”Take Marie with you. Lord Lemonkyenin?”

”Yes, Imperator?”

”Would you accompany my Goddess and Wife to our watchtower, to witness and even assist us with removal of this stain upon our lands and honor?”

Yeah, Kitten is way better at wrangling people than me. Lemmy stiffened up, but in every not bad way, and replied, ”absolutely! I would be honored to fight alongside Tabitha!”

”Okay, cool.” Then I got an idea. ”Just a second.” Dad? The hearth fires still burning in those towers?

That brought a pause, followed by a sigh. There are six where the hearth fire has gone dark. At least one of those is in the tower your friend has described.

Shit. Thanks, Dad. You’re the best.

I know.

”Okay. Looks like there are six towers we need to investigate. But for now, let’s deal with this one.”

I reached down, took Lemmy’s hand, hid my smile when he jumped at Marie’s claw sliding onto his shoulder, and stepped us all to the second tower along the coast.

”This is not...”

”I know, Lemmy.” I knocked on the door, only to have one of the Heroes I remembered being assigned her open it a few moments later. ”Hey. Just checking in. Everybody okay? Scream loud if you’re not, if there are any assholes holding you hostage, you know I’ll Revive anybody they kill after I shove their heads up their own asses.”

The Hero blinked, surprise clear on her face. ”No? I mean, yes, we’re fine. Has there been a problem?”

”Tower south of here was taken by invaders. Spartans, we think. Stay on alert until you hear otherwise, don’t let strangers in.”

”You’d have us deny hospitality in weather like this?”

I shook my head. ”Okay, don’t let anybody in if they’re wearing full armor; they can take it off and warm up by the hearth fire. Besides, folks from Boltophsberg don’t wear that, do they?”

”We do not,” confirmed Lemmy.

The Hero just nodded. ”As you say, Champion.”

I nodded to her, then jumped to the fifth tower. Another bit of knocking, followed by a much longer, much more anxious pause, brought a blue jacketed Hero to the door. ”Champion! What can I do for you?”

”Just visiting to make sure you haven’t seen any Spartans. Or any other armored asshole Greek Heroes, for that matter. We had a report of some at the tower north of here.”

At the mention of Spartans, the blue-jacketed Hero shuddered and looked like he was ready to slam the door. ”None that we’ve seen. Are they hostile?”

”As far as we know, yes. Can you guys communicate with HQ via Scrying?”

He shrugged. ”Intermittently at best.”

I sighed. ”Okay. Nothing for it. If they attack you, and you don’t think you can hold? Light the signal fire on the roof, then douse the hearth fire.”

”What?”

What?

I replied to Dad first. You’ll feel that, won’t you? At which point you tell me, I show up, and rock the shit out of the Spartans before relighting it. Aloud I just said, ”Loki will tell me that your Hearth fire has gone out, and I will come to relight it. After dealing with any unwanted guests.”

He just nodded, looking a little spooked at my pragmatism. ”As you say, Champion. Would you like to come in?”

I shook my head. ”We’ve got to keep moving. Stay warm.”

I waited for him to shut the door, then stepped us to the third tower.

The door stood open, the tower dark and cold as snow started falling. ”Lemmy, follow me. Marie, bring up the rear.”

”Yes, Vlickies.”

I didn’t stop to ask if Lemmy objected to being put in the protected middle position. I rushed into the entryway, then through the ground floor of the tower. The place was dark and cold. I rushed up the steps, clearing each floor as quickly as I could. Ice covered a few of the floors. The signal fire at the top of the tower had been taken down, the mirrors and glass set to reflect and amplify it smashed. Looking out through the thickening snow showed me nothing. I rushed back down, looked outside, then turned to Marie. ”Can you track them?”

She looked at the snow, looked at me, then shrugged. ”Will Try.”

Lemmy and I followed her, and if I could sort of see the disturbed snow under the new, still falling coat, I wasn’t sure how she could tell the difference between the trail we followed and other not-trail disturbances. After like fifteen minutes of following her through increasingly deep snow, the smell and sound of the sea got louder, and we came to a beach. A beach with a weird little boat that looked half longboat, half trireme drawn up on it.

”Spartan.”

Marie’s angry growl was drowned out by a young man’s voice screaming, ”DIE, MAENAD!”

If she’d been the slightest bit slower, she’d have gotten a brain piercing. As it was, she wound up with a big hank of her hair falling away, not to mention a single line of blood welling on her cheek. Something in the sight of the mother of my kits bleeding set me off. ”No, U, fuckface.”

I wasn’t in the mood to fight fair. Or even ’fight’, really. I brought a tentacle as wide as he was down on him, only to have the edge of his shield bite into it with the familiar burn of Cold iron. I leapt at him, Blades out just in case. One tangled in his shield after going through it, a weird situation to say the least, The other took his spear off just below the head, then carved into his vambrace as I poured Mana into it. Weirdest fuckin thing, the decorative edging glowed white hot and started boiling away.

He screamed, lashing out with his shield, with his fist, even trying to headbutt me. I met him on that last, driving my forehead through the burning Cold Iron of his nasal strip, shoving it back into his face as I poured Mana into both my Blades. I grabbed his hand, his shield, and he brought one knee right up into my crotch, hard. That did not feel good. That, in fact, hurt like a bitch. So I hammered my forehead into his face harder. Over and over, screaming just as loud as he was.

Until he wasn’t screaming any more, and I still was. The smell of roast pork filled the air, alongside something else, something that reminded me of cooked sushi. Blood and gray matter filled my blurry vision, and salty jelly filled my mouth. I panted, pissed off more by my own clumsiness than anything.

I jerked when Lemmy laid a gentle hand on my shoulder. ”Tabitha? Are you well?”

”Kinda feel like shit. Where are the rest?”

Marie growled out, ”Distraction. Sacrifice.”

”Well. Fuck. I stood up, ripped the fucker’s head off his shoulders, pulled the helmet off it, and turned to Marie. ”Can you get us back home, please, Mittens?”

She nodded, lad a claw on each of our shoulders, and stepped us home. To the entryway of East House, at any rate, where Saffron stood waiting, nobody else in sight. ”Tallulah and Siobhan have the children bathing.”

”Thanks, Kitten.” I handed her the fucker’s head. ”This might help with Scrying. Might not. Looks like they fuckin’ got away in the snowstorm.”

”You... Look awful.”

”Yeah. Something about being stupid and getting into a brawl while wearing civvies.”

”And beating a Spartan Hero to death with your forehead?”

”Something like that.”

She shook her head. ”Only my Goof.” She turned to Lemmy. ”You need to report back to Vyenemoinen, let him know the Spartans are at large, that Boltophsberg needs to be ready to repel them if they show there.”

He opened his mouth to argue, thought better of it, then nodded. ”As you say it, Imperator.”

A moment later he disappeared, stepping over to M-Space at a guess. ”As for you, Goof, do you feel up to checking those other towers?”

I sighed. ”Does it matter?”

”Of course it does. It appears they’ve come with some amount of Cold Iron, which means they’re ready to face you, or at least they think they are. We have no need for you to rush in while you’re still hurting from your first encounter. Come in, bathe, let us care for you, and you can pursue these leads when your head is cooler.”

That’s when Marie shook her head, sprinkling droplets of freezing water everywhere, and said, ”Snow.”

”Well. Shit. I suppose you can go check on those towers once the snow has stopped, then.”

I sighed. Not because I couldn’t chase down the Spartans right away. But because it looked like my extended Yule break was coming to an end.