Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

”Agency is not boundless,

Your right to move your own fist,

Ends at someone else’s nose.”

- Tabitha Diaz, Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Agency

Here in the third Verse of the Book of Agency, our Goddess acknowledges that in the world we live in, Agency cannot be inherently unbound.

This isn’t due to any desire on her part to limit us, her followers. Instead, as she explains in the second and third lines, each of us with Agency can affect others.

While she has previously stated that we are to primarily focus on our own Agency, our own decisions, since those are what we have control over, with this Verse she makes it clear that our Agency can, if used irresponsibly, negatively impact the Agency of others. While there are clearly times when this is unavoidable, such as when competing for unfortunately limited resources, even in the most impoverished of communities there is often enough that all ought to have their basic needs met. So while Tabitha does not expect us to martyr ourselves, she expects us to employ our Agency responsibly. So before we throw our hands around, we ought know who or what might be impacted by them.

- Priestess Most High Above All Others, Archmage Imperator Saffron Aetos-Diaz, Commentary on the Doctrine of Tabitha

Heh. I’m not sure that’s exactly what I was thinking, but I am absolutely behind where she took it. Seriously, from what little I remember, I wanted folks thinking about their decisions before they made them. Also, not just thinking about boosting their bank account or getting their love tunnel lubed up, but actually thinking about how they decisions they make affect other people. I get that some decisions are purely personal. Whether to polish the pearl before bed time. Putting the flaming hot sauce on the burger before stuffing it in the pie hole. Saying ’yes’, ’no’, or ’convince me’ when a potential partner poses the question of plumbing interpenetration. Yeah, I went to sex twice in the examples on this one, but that’s one of the most personal things anybody can do.

Of course, I say that after spending three months adding a whole assed directory of bodies to my friends with benefits list. Then again, maybe that’s still a personal thing, because some of the more group minded Clergy and temple volunteers aside, each and every one of those instances wound up being surprisingly personal. Shockingly private for something we did on the Altar right in the middle of a Temple in front of the whole fucking Congregation. Shit, I don’t know if it’s weirder that the non-fucking members of the Congregation made the privacy of the moment that much stranger. Like, some couple going at it during a Revel, and I’m including both committed partners and Revel hook ups here, are not really paying the closest of attention to the goings on atop the Altar. Anybody playing solo mode is kinda not surprising, what with all the good good going on inspiring some self reflection and all. But the ones who weren’t getting it on with a partner or alone definitely made things weird.

Not in a ’oh, stop it’ way, either. Frankly, I think most of the Worship I got was from them, and it was because I was totally and utterly focused on the person on the Altar with me. Weird, thinking that somebody would Worship me harder when I’m more or less ignoring them in favor of paying attention to somebody else. I mean, I guess I can sort of see it, in a weird parasocial kind of way. Like, if two people are singing a duet, the audience is gonna enjoy the shit out of it even more than one person singing solo, even if the pair singing are so wrapped up in one another that they forget the audience is there.

Anyhow, I think that makes my original point, that even those ’personal’ decisions can affect other people. Which, to be clear, I’m not saying I want people ignoring their own needs and desires. Somebody isn’t into the person propositioning them, no obligation to say yes. On the other hand, Giselle. Yeah, I know, she’s a simple woman who puts out for anybody who wants a ride and can’t find one on their own. Which makes me think maybe she either really enjoys it or sees it as such a non-thing that it’s just another chore, like sweeping the floor or straightening the chairs. But more importantly, I can look at myself and realize that I could absolutely provide pity fucks without any kind of guilt. Shit, that shit is a public service, especially if the person giving them out isn’t an asshole about it. So maybe I want my followers to think about a little charity work now and then. Fuck, even if it is absolutely not for them, whether they’re happily monogamous, a repulsed flavor of AroAce, or just so not into the presentation of the person asking, at least knowing that I approve of that kind of thing means they won’t start throwing social shade at women giving that shit out.

’Oh, but how will women keep their partners?’ Look, if someone is using sex to keep your partner, either they better have the kind of good good that Marie would approve of, which means anyone else will be an emergency protein bar to keep them from fainting before they get home to the real food, or I’m gonna be Not Very Happy with them. Sure, not every sexual interaction is going to be a mutually blissful joysplosion, but somebody using sex as a ball and chain and not even bothering to put the ecstasy and cocaine laced velvet on that shit is just, I dunno, wrong.

Yes, if all of my partners stopped having sex with me, I would stay with them. I can’t think why they’d do that, although Siobhan’s current condition clearly claims pride of place at the moment in terms of possible reasons. I enjoy sex with my ladies. I want as much as they can handle as often as they need, want, or enjoy it. But that’s not why I’m with them.

Shit, that’s even true of Tallulah, who I can’t say the L word about, which is weirding me out a little right now.

Speaking of, Saffron and I had a bit of a discussion about her today.

Slept late yesterday, only to have Saffron and Tallulah spirit me away at bedtime. ”Not that I mind, but what’s up, ladies?”

”We must both return to work on the morrow,” explained Tallulah. Okay, ’explained’ is the wrong word, but she clearly thought she was explaining.

Still, I grinned and said, ”so, one last holiday ride?”

Saffron nodded, snuggling up and guiding Tallulah’s hands. ”Yes, although,” she kissed me, brief and sweet. ”Quickly, fiercely, savagely even, that we might sleep well, since we both must awaken in the morning rather than the afternoon?”

I remembered something. ”Aren’t you taking a week off?”

Saffron rolled her eyes. ”A week off from the Council, in order to focus on my work on Inspect. It is still work.”

”Oh, hey, totally fair. Work is work. Uh, so...”

”Put us to sleep, Goddess?” I’d never really thought Tallulah could be cute, but even the tiniest bit of hesitation infecting her normally rigid, self-assured carriage turned her from the Overlord of Rich Man’s Port to an irresistibly adorable treat. At which point I realized that both of the ladies looking at me, waiting for me, had absolutely zero desire for me to resist. So I didn’t.

Escorted everyone to work in the morning. Left some of me with Marie, one of me in the Infirmary, one of me with the kids, one of me with Siobhan in the water closet, and one each with Tallulah and Saffron.

Funny thing, when I dropped Tallulah off, I asked, ”did you want me to hang around?”

She nodded, but said, ”do as you will, Goddess.”

I figured since I didn’t have to play Bodyguard for Saffron today, I’d keep in practice by playing Bodyguard for Tallulah. Not like either of them actually need a Bodyguard. But I didn’t want anybody thinking I was there to keep her ’under control’ or any stupid bullshit like that. Eventually, after standing to one side of her throne, then the other, then leaning on the back of it, I settled on the steps in front of her, leaning my head against her shins. You mind?

I... are you certain?

I shrugged. I’d rather they think you’ve got me on a leash than the other way around.

So you’d hide the truth from them?

I snorted. Like I had anybody on a leash. Shit, the closest was Siobhan, who had a collar and refused to take it off. At any rate, I’m pretty sure Tallulah was joking. Shit, I guess I’ll have to ask her about that at some point.

But first, because I am a good and faithful Wife, and wanted to be sure to follow all the rules we’d agreed to, talked with Saffron about it. Aloud, since that way I figured there’d be less likelihood of my brain meats broadcasting that shit to all my ladies at once. So I asked her about it at lunch. ”Kitten?”

She swallowed the bite of sushi I’d fed her. ”Yes, Tabitha?”

”You sure you’re okay with what’s going on between Tallulah and me?”

Even in the compromising position I’d propped her in for her lunchtime ’destress and refuel’ pit stop, she managed to raise an eyebrow. ”Why would I not be?”

I shrugged. ”I don’t want you thinking I’m tryna replace you or something.”

”Are you?”

”NO!”

She shrugged. ”Then why even bring it up?”

I rolled my eyes. ”The endless depths of my self-image problems?”

”So you admit to having such?”

One of the multiple mes attending to my Kitten’s pit stop chuckled. ”Yeah. Yeah, I get that I’ve got them. Still working on, uh, ’defining the bounds of the problem’. Gotta do that before I start cleaning house, right?”

”My Goddess is...” I mentally pumped my fist as I interrupted her without filling her mouth with sushi. ”Wise beyond measure. What are your intentions with Tallulah?”

I filled Saffron’s mouth with more fish and rice and fire, then thoughtfully mused, ”I’m really not sure. Like, she wants me to give her a baby. She’s made that clear. We’re already co-parenting Ria. That... seems a little weird to me, to have multiple kids with somebody, with the intention of having more, and not at least have some kind of ongoing intimate relationship with them, y’know?”

She nodded, swallowed, and asked, ”multiple already?”

”Adrienne. She started calling me Mama.”

My Kitten Grinned at me. ”Not Mommy?” She moaned out the second word, and I swear I could not tell if she was messing with me or I’d found a sensitive spot. Either way, though, Did Not Like. Or, y’know, did not like in a way I liked liking. Pretty much anything my Kitten wants to do I’m gonna wind up into.

”Uh, Kitten?” She just nodded, as I’d filled her face with fish. ”Let’s not go there? Not ’till all our kids are grown and out of the house and we’re being all skeevy and getting seduced by recently graduated Cadets looking to bribe us with inappropriate sexual advances.”

”Oh, so you intend to take such bribes?”

I snorted. ”Not really, no. But if we’re both old and gray and some hot young dude or chick comes onto us wanting a threesome, I think I’d hurt something if I tried to say no.”

She laughed at that, right up until the final bite of sushi. After she swallowed, then composed herself, she nudged me to set her back to rights. As I did, she said, ”So, and understand I’m telling you this as Tallulah’s friend...”

”Just friend?”

She Grinned, ”with benefits, obviously, but that doesn’t make us not friends. As her friend, I’ll ask you to decide what you want from and with her. She does not do well with ambiguity.”

”Well. Shit. I don’t want to hurt her. I’ll try to figure that out, then.”

She nodded, then asked, ”did you want to have a child with her?”

I snorted. ”I’m not even sure I can get her preggers, Kitten.”

She smiled, oddly sad. ”Oh, that’s not an issue.”

My humor vanished. ”What? No, seriously, do I have two Baby Mamas to be? Tallulah’s pregnant?”

She shook her head. ”No, love. Not any longer.”

I kinda deflated. ”Well. Shit. That’s... Does she know?” My Kitten shook her head. ”She does not. I’m telling you as her Goddess and partner, so that should she find out and need comfort, you will not be surprised or fail to support her.”

That kinda made sense. I took a deep breath, then let it out. I remembered from Health class that sub-clinical miscarriages were a thing. A really fuckin’ common thing back in the day. ”Uh, Kitten?”

”Yes, love?” Saffron had already started opening up her coding windows, but she paused to look at me.

I thought about what I wanted to say. ”How common is that here and now?”

She nodded, understanding what I meant. ”Between members of the same Human-Adjacent group, somewhat lower than where you’re from. Between differing groups, substantially higher.”

I cudgeled my brain for a number, and ’two in three’ came up. ”Higher than sixty seven percent?” She just nodded. ”Oh. Oh, shit. Um... Fuck.”

”Yes, you’ll likely have to do that quite a lot before one ’catches’. Or use a Blessing like the one we used on our wedding night.”

For whatever reason, history lessons about thalidomide popped into my head. ”Oh, shit. That’s not gonna make her keep a kid that, uh, shit, um...”

Saffron looked at me quizzically, and I felt her rummaging around in my brain, trying to figure out what I couldn’t say. Then she smiled, an actual happy smile. Satisfied, anyhow. ”No, love. In this, our world is better than the one you came from. Blessings do not promote hazardous pregnancies. Part of the effect they have is to filter out any possible problematic seed.”

I didn’t even have to think about that very long before I blurted out. ”Any way we can make those universally available for anybody who actually wants a kid? And is, y’know, having problems having one?”

She smiled, sighed, and shook her head. ”I will see it done, although I’m uncertain exactly how soon.”

I nuzzled her. ”I know you’re doing your best, love. Don’t push yourself too hard.”

”I push as hard as I possibly can, and when I fail and fall, trust you to catch me and set me to rights again, my Goddess, my Wife, my love, my life, my Goof.”

Yeah, what else could I say to that? ”You got it, Kitten.”