Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

Funny. After the talk with the girls last night, I wound up in a lot better place today, mentally. I guess maybe I should have talked this through with the fam before now. Maybe next Monday, since that’s really the next time I don’t have anything really planned to do, what with teaching class Saturday and Sunday, and the New Moon Revel on Saturday night. I mean, I think I know what they’re gonna say already. I can’t really see anything wrong about what I’m doing, even if I get all these weird feels about it when I think about it.

None while I’m doing it. At those moments, while now and then I’ll be surprised by somebody, either their attitude or their innermost desires or I dunno, just the incongruity of their appearance and their personality maybe, I’ve never felt weirded out by it. Not in like an ’oh, that’s creepy’ kind of way. I guess the closest to that were Cadet Brat and Devon. Her because I’d known her outside the Temple setting, however casually. Him because... I guess because he wanted to feel big and strong, and his way of feeling that way was being all dominant and manly and... I don’t wanna say violent, because he didn’t do anything that would have hurt me, even if somebody like Lachlan did it. Okay, not if he had Lachlan’s control as well as his muscles. You pick somebody up or fling them around to get a new angle on things, you’re gonna wrench things if they’re not in shape and you’re not careful. But that’s the thing; he wasn’t mean spirited about it, deep inside didn’t want to hurt me. He wanted to be powerful to please me, and that makes all the difference. Okay, for me right then it did. Your mileage may vary and shit.

I mean, thinking about Mom and Dad doing the deed always makes me long for the brain bleach, but she’s a genuine Norse goddess, a little bit of roughhousing isn’t gonna leave her in traction. She also, not to put to fine a point on it, has a partner whose junk resembles my calf hanging soft, and no I do not know nor do I want to know what it looks like ready to party. Yeah, I’m sure he’s careful with her, but I’m also sure she’s goaded him to being less than careful. I sure as fuck would. Because... I think this is what I look for, why I wasn’t upset at Devon in the slightest. When I’m with someone, when I want to be with them, I want them to just let go and enjoy. Same goes with my Worshippers. I want them to look on the experience, no matter what we do, and remember it fondly, and not just because someone saw them, saw their deepest desires, and said, ”I see you, I accept you, and right here, right now, I am here to fulfill you.”

So I brought home battered, fried fish fillets, tempura veggies, and a bunch of buns for dinner. Got everybody seated for dinner early. When Saffron gave me a weird look about hustling her out of the Grand Council chamber, I set her in her chair in the dining room and, after kissing her, explained. ”I know I’ve got to go to the Revel some nights. Part of the Goddess gig. I even kind of enjoy it, I think. But...”

I trailed off, looking for just the right words, as I got Siobhan to Saffron’s lap and settled Marie into my chair. The bruising on her hips and thighs had almost entirely cleared up. Her belly, on the other hand, had never really un-bloated from that one binge. Although the bulge had kinda moved down a bit. Which made me realize that the bulge wasn’t a food baby. She laid a claw alongside my face and said, ”Home Safe.”

”Yeah! I want to see you all home safe, the kids all here in the dining room with you, all of you settling in to eat before I leave for the night.” I stopped, slumping a little. ”That’s not too selfish, is it?”

Marie pulled me down, kissed me, said, ”No.” Then she spun me around and, with a claw on my butt, pushed me over to where Siobhan and Saffron waited.

”I don’t think it’s selfish at all, Mistress Tabitha,” Siobhan smiled as she spoke, then pulled me down to kiss me.

When I came up for air, Saffron just smirked. ”I couldn’t care less if it’s selfish or not. I think it’s adorable. Almost as adorable as you in that Maid’s uniform.” Then she pulled me down and kissed me as thoroughly as she’d done so many times this week when I brought her lunch.

When I came back up, I sighed. ”I gotta go.”

”So go, love.”

So weird. One moment I felt melancholy about leaving my family eating dinner, the next I stood, naked and fuzzy, in front of my altar, my throne, in the Calverton Temple of Love. Well, I’m honestly not sure if they called it the ’Temple of Love’ down here in Calverton, but it was still my Temple. Kinda hilarious, I’d never seen the outside of it. Wasn’t gonna get a chance tonight, either, because Orla literally had a line of Clergy waiting for me. Kinda weird, because they each sorta leaned on the one behind them. But the way they leaned, it looked more like they wanted emotional support than physical.

Then again, they all looked, uh, really buff. Fit. Okay, look, Orla’s clearly cut out of the same cloth I am here and now, at least physically, and it looks like she’s the senior Priestess here in Calverton. Note, that’s not a complaint, although it did mean that it took me a little longer to work my way through the folks waiting in Calverton this week than it did to get through the folks from Phileo. Should have realized when Orla took all night last week, even with my tentacles doing most of the work.

Memorable night. Lacey, who just wanted to be touched, feather light, each contact ramping things up until she exploded. In the metaphoric ’one long wail before she collapsed, overwhelmed’. Caught her and laid her down on the altar before turning to Noelle, who wanted me to sing to her. I keep forgetting that I’m a Goddess of Music. I mean, Noelle wanted more than just singing, but it was the singing part that elevated it to something that left her gasping, slipping into blissful unconsciousness. Mordecai, who needed to prove to himself and everyone else that he could lift me, hold me suspended the whole time, doing every single bit of the work as well. He seemed a little surprised when he didn’t fall asleep after. The first time, at least. Zonked straight out, covered in sweat, when I whispered, ”well done, Mordecai. Well done indeed,” in his ear after the final time, gently catching him with my tentacles and laying him on the altar.

The last of the night, a sweet young woman named Madeline, whose deepest inner longing changed over the course of her time with me. First time that’s happened. When she stepped away from the line of Worshippers, all she wanted was to be held. I felt the moment she wanted me to sing to her, and I did, crooning out my admiration for all the work she’d done for the Temple, all the work she’d done to sculpt her body, because you don’t get that kind of build without some serious work. Then a kiss, long, lingering... suffocating, because that’s what she desired more than anything, to drown in me. I slipped my arms around her, whispered in her ear, too low for anyone else to hear. ”You would die for me? Here, like this?” I felt her affirmative response, slipped Blended Mana into her, holding her there, right on the edge of so many things, while I communed with her. ”Why?”

She whimpered, and I whispered to her, ”if there is no hope, no joy, nothing but unending despair and pain, I will end your suffering. I will carry you away in a cloud of ecstasy, and you will not know pain again if I can help it, but...”

I threaded tentacles thinner than hairs through her. Opened her eyes to look into mine. ”I’ve been there, Madeline. The only reason I’m still here? I was too much of a coward to finish the job. Or even start it, really. So I tried a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, to off myself with booze, with drugs, with every kind of thing that somebody told me would kill me eventually, from awful food to awful men.” Acting on the same instincts I had when I had Diana on my tentacle, I reached in and, feather light, disconnected things.

I stood next to her in M-Space, land of Gods and Souls, and raised her lips to mine. ”Madeline?”

”Yes, Goddess.”

”Call me Tabitha.”

”Yes, Tabitha.”

”Tell me. Truthfully. Did you want to die? Or did you just want the pain to stop?”

She looked at the misty ground and sobbed, no tears falling from her eyes here in the land of Souls and Gods. ”I... I...”

I suddenly saw the scars on her Soul, I remembered where I was. ”You were Undead, weren’t you?” She nodded, sobbing, reaching for me, but unable to bring herself to touch me. I stepped toward her, holding her hand still with my tentacle, letting her touch me. She collapsed into me, still sobbing. ”May I do something?”

”Anything, Goddess.”

I charged up a massive Smite, powerful enough that she saw the glow and started to turn her head. I pulled her back around to face me, looked into her eyes. ”Did you like kissing me?”

”I don’t deser...” I kissed her, and she responded, desperately trying to fill herself with me. I released the Smite, and her eyes shot open. I couldn’t help how I smiled as her eyes glowed with the power of it, and my smile lost a lot of its gremlin nature when I felt her lips curve into a natural smile.

When we slipped apart, I head bunted her and said, ”if Orla thinks you deserve a spot in that line, you deserve it. You deserve that kiss. You deserve the best chance at life I can give you.”

She looked at me, confusing knitting her brow. ”But... but I died?”

”Do you still want to be dead?”

She laughed. ”That’s not something where wants matter, is it?”

I booped her nose with a tentacle tip. ”Who are you talking to again?”

”You... you would do that for me?” I nodded. ”Would another bear the price?” I shook my head. ”Would it harm you in any way?”

I leaned down and kissed her again. I kissed her the way I loved to be kissed, fierce and hungry and full of desire, before I pulled away. ”So long as it does you more good than harm, I’ll be fine. Better than fine. Better than I am now.”

”Do you want me to live again?” she whispered.

”Do you want another try?” I replied.

She shuddered. ”Please. I... I do not trust myself. Choose for me, Goddess.”

I tilted my head. ”Yeah... no. I mean, I can feel you want some direction. I can tell you want me to make this decision for you. But I don’t want to do this and have you going through the same self-destructive spirals I’ve wound up in so many times.” She opened her mouth, and I slipped a finger across her lips. ”You want direction?”

”Yes.”

”Directions?”

”If it pleases my Goddess.”

I nodded, realizing what I needed to tell her, what she needed to hear. ”Then here are your directions. First, you are not to harm yourself, or allow another to harm you. Understand?” She nodded. ”Second, when you’re recovered from tonight, you will travel to Phileo, to the Temple of Love.” She cocked her head, confused. ”You are to find Highest Priestess Karen Smith, and ask to undergo the Trials.”

”But... but I’ve undergone the Trials to be a Priestess.”

I nodded. ”Who administered them?”

”Priestess Orla, of course?”

I smiled at her. ”And why would I tell you to go to Highest Priestess Smith?”

She stared at me, mouth slipping open, disbelieving. ”I’m... I’m not worthy!”

I lifted her, tentacles writhing around her. ”that’s your whole issue though, isn’t it? You don’t feel worthy of life itself, do you?” She looked away, something like real tears flowing. ”Is Highest Priestess Karen Smith worthy?”

”Of course!”

”Do you trust my judgement?”

”Always!”

”If you pass my Trials, you will be worthy to be my High Priestess. If that’s what you want. But whether you want to be my High Priestess or not, you will go and take those Trials.”

”But... but... I’m not worthy!” she repeated.

I looked at her with my best ’did I miss something’ confused face. ”Did you fail your Trials already?”

”No, of course...”

”Then how do you know if you’re worthy or not?” She shut her mouth, something like hope sparking to life behind her eyes. I nodded to her. ”Look, Madeline, I get it. I’ve been there. And, whether you pass those Trials or not, if you still want to end it all after that, after you’ve spoken with the best Healers I can find you? Then I will help you back to this side, and carry you to somewhere you can rest and maybe forget, maybe come to terms with what happened to you. But right here, right now, you said you don’t trust yourself and asked me to choose, and that’s what I’m choosing for you. To quest, to prove yourself worthy of me. Of life. Of yourself.”

Her arms wrapped around me, pulled her to me. I hugged her as she wept out, ”thank you.”

Back in the land of the living I trickled Mana into her, pulling her Soul back into her body, Reviving her more gently than any Soul I’d ever done that for. She still wept, still kept muttering, ”thank you,” until I kissed her again, long and slow and full of sleep, until she drifted off.

”Watch over her. She’s to travel to Phileo. Help her out if she needs it?” I said to Orla.

”As you wish, my Goddess.”

I felt the sun nearing the horizon, so after handing Madeline off to Orla, I stepped over to the waiting line of Clergy and temple volunteers, hugging them in little groups, pulling them in around me with tentacles. ”Sorry I couldn’t get to you guys tonight. I’ll be back on Sunday.”

Then, when I’d met each of their eyes and seen more anticipation than disappointment, I stepped away to get my kids to school.

Pleasant surprise today though. Siobhan had me carry Marie to the Infirmary, where she did a complete physical on her. Then frowned. ”Your hips have healed, but not fully yet.”

Marie half pouted, half gloated. I looked at her. ”Do you really want another month of pampering, Mittens?” She pouted more. ”Seriously, just say the word. You don’t even need to keep your hips broken. Siobhan can heal them all the way, and you can just lounge around getting pampered for the next month.”

She looked a little wistful, then shook her head, sighed, and turned to Siobhan. ”Heal Me.”

Siobhan turned to me, the tiniest bit of mischief in her eyes. ”Can you watch the Infirmary while I’m gone, Mistress?”

”Yeah, I got you.”

Then they were gone. I watched through their eyes as Siobhan arranged Marie on the bed, her knees hooked over the end so Marie’s hips were in easy reach. ”Forgive me, Mistress, but this may take a while, and there may be some discomfort.”

”Difficult Healing?” Marie asked, confusion clear in her voice.

I thrilled at the chaos gremlin in Siobhan finally working its way to the surface when she looked up, her face an image of innocence and purity when she said, ”not really.” Then finished her statement silently, because she has manners. But I’ll take care of that afterward.