Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

The whole ’making plans’ thing has never been my jam, and I think I’m starting to see why. No matter how much I try to pay attention, shit just comes at me out of left field, or it comes at me totally differently than I expected it to.

Like, yesterday. I sent Larry up to deal with the old ladies, because I figured they might wind up giving me some kind of shit for, I dunno, being Bag, or not in a dress, or using more profanity than non-profanity when explaining exactly how many shits I gave about their ’proper behavior’. Meanwhile I figured I’d head for the opposite end of things, starting with the Bag in the Basement. They’re way more likely to be cool with me being Bag and all, right?

Also, I figured if anybody gave Larry any shit, Angel could explain things to them while Bonnie talked him down, or pumped him up, or whatever. No real idea what was going on with those two, but, y’know, they’re grown ups, or what passes for them in the here and now, so if Bonnie decides Larry’s her flavor of lip gloss, who am I to tell her no?

Okay, yeah, I’m Commander of the Expedition, and in theory he’s my second in command, which means she reports to him, but honestly? I didn’t get any kind of ’Larry taking advantage’ vibe from the two of them. Then again, I think he knows I’d ram my hand up his ass so far I could puppet his mouth for an apology if he did, so that might be helping.

So Maddie led us down some stairs at the back of the Ladies’ Quarters, although they didn’t actually go quite to the bottom floor. They let us out on the second floor at the very back of the kitchens. Well, kitchens, laundry. I think there might have been a smithy of some kind, but I didn’t see one. I just heard that kind of metal-on-metal sound, and smelled that weird smell you got from stupidly hot fires. Then again, that might have just been somebody stirring something, and the boiler for the laundry. Then again, if they had a boiler for a laundry, they ought to have hot water, right?

Fuck if I know. But Maddie led us around to a set of stairs that ran from the back center of the kitchens down to the basement. Okay, I guess it was the first floor, but since from what I could tell most of Lancaster House had been cut into the live stone of the hill it backed up on, including all of the Ladies’ Quarters, the Servants’ Quarters on the first floor really had that kind of fortress basement slash dungeon feel to them.

Nah, that’s not really fair. They weren’t humid, they weren’t cold, they weren’t exactly poorly lit, although the lighting came from candles in sconces rather than the fancy lights like we had at the Academy, which the rooms in the front and top of Lancaster House had. Other than that, though? When Maddie led us to the first hallway full of servants’ bedrooms, it reminded me of nothing so much as the Academy’s dormitory hallways. They packed four people per room here, but if you got real technical about it we had four to five living in our cell at the Academy. I think the Lancaster House servant bedrooms might have been a little bigger, too. No writing desks for servants, though.

The first room Maddie led me to had four limp bodies wheezing in the bunks, and she stopped at the doorway. When I turned to her, she said, ”I’ll just lead the other Heroes to the other rooms?”

”Just a second.” I ran a quick Assess on her, and sure enough she showed as Infected. I fired a Cure at her, and when she got done shuddering said, ”okay. Raven, Rowena, you guys stick together, we’ll go through the hallways here just like the streets back in Phileo. Got it?”

Rowena replied with, ”got it,” while Raven just nodded. I didn’t bother Assessing the people in the bunks; even if they didn’t have ’the plague’, they had something that had them bedridden. I just hammered them each with a Cure, then a Heal, then waited to make sure none of them needed another Heal before they finished puking out all the accumulated crap in their lungs. One of them did, which made me glad I’d waited.

The rest of the day went pretty much like that. Every couple rooms I’d have to Stabilize Raven and Rowena to top off their Mana, but that still went faster than me having to do every room by myself.

Some time in the middle of the third hallway out of the five on the floor, Maddie took me by surprise when she snuck up behind me as I waited to see if the women in the current room needed more Healing. I mean, I don’t think she meant to sneak, she just had that quiet way of moving some people got when they lived in constant fear of someone going off on them.

”Hey, Maddie. Did you need something?”

She looked like she’d been arguing with herself, and kept doing it while I sat there waiting. Eventually, right after I dropped a second Heal on the oldest woman I’d worked on yet, she said, ”You’re Bag?”

I shrugged. ”Among other things. Little bit Bag. Little bit Human. Little bit Vanir. Little bit Dan.”

Her eyes got stupid big at that. ”You’re Bag and Dan? Both? And... they let you walk around saying that?” Weirdest fuckin’ thing, she sounded like she disapproved.

I nodded toward the door, and she led me down the hall to the next room. This one had servants just sitting on the bunks, and I fired a Cure into each of them, then waited to make sure none of them would hurt themselves puking up muck. Three of them didn’t even puke, just kinda nodded, then lay back on their bunks. Sleep when you can get it, I guess, and we’d ordered them all to their rooms while we worked through them. ”They don’t so much ’let me’ as ’none of them have the balls to stop me’. Or they figure I’ll rip ’em off if they do, so they don’t. Get me?”

”But, surely Heir Laurence...”

The puking woman didn’t seem like she needed any Healing, just some rest, so we walked on to the next room. ”Heir Laurence what?”

”You’re his, ah, women? Excepting Miss Rowena, of course.”

I stopped right there in the hallway and looked her square in the eye. ”Look, Maddie, I think you mean well, or we’d be having all kinds of problems right now. But between the Imperator and Dionysus’ Champion? I’m kinda spoken for. Larry gets that. Also, I think he’s kinda sweet on Bonnie, and I’m sure as shit not gonna go all beaver dam on my friend like that, y’know?”

I think the kumquat look must be contagious. Maybe something in the water. Because she sure as shit got that look on her face at the idea of Larry and Bonnie being a couple. I mean, it sure as shit didn’t register as a super comfy idea in my head, but hey, as they say, everybody is somebody’s fetish.

By the time we finished up the Servant’s Quarters, it was almost time for dinner. The three of us spent the last bits of time before dinner dealing with the few servants who roomed on the second floor with the kitchens and shit. The Head Maid, the Cook, some older chick whose title was apparently ’Head Seamstress’. I have no idea why, she didn’t have anything to do with the laundry. Oh, yeah, that was the fourth person, the ’Head Laundry Maid’, and then there was a woman rooming with the ’Head Seamstress’ whose title was ’Head Nursemaid’. I mean, I get that people want titles, but that was like, four ’Head’ maids and one Cook.

I kinda got why the Heroes in Phileo did things the way they did now. Or maybe it had nothing to do with the Lancasters’ love of titles, and stemmed from Heroes being about as easy to manage as an equivalent number of cats. Cats in heat. With magic.

Yeah, probably that latter thing.

When we met with Larry at dinner, he confirmed he’d finished up the top two floors, although he looked a little sheepish about it.

”What’s got you worried, Larry?”

If his cousins had anything to say about me using his first name or questioning him, they kept it to themselves. Wasn’t sure if I liked that, because none of them had seen what happened in Lachlan’s bedroom after we threw them out to deal with Odin’s henchmaid. At any rate, Larry replied low enough for it not to carry. ”My mother is on the top floor, as are innumerable Aunts and Great Aunts. Visiting happened. I was forced, repeatedly, to explain Bonnie’s position was not ’concubine’.”

I glanced down the table at Bonnie, who blushed kinda prettily as the cousins Lancaster caught enough of what Larry had said to start giving him shit about it. Luckily none of them had heard the word ’concubine’. Either that or they decided that not pissing off Larry or me, not to mention Lachlan and Angel, was the wiser course of action. Hell, even with most of them being within an inch or two of Lachlan, Rowena and Gary were both bigger than that.

None of this really left me feeling copacetic. The Heroes Lancaster were supposed to be on our side. If one of them got some kind of bug up his ass and defected to Calverton, they could screw us something fierce. I mean, could I straight up kill Calverton’s army? Probably, yeah, but I really didn’t want to do that kind of shit.

Again.

When the Heroes Lancaster went up to their literal old boys club after dinner, I called my boys over. Men? Yeah, I guess they qualified. Okay, not sure if Bill did, but fuck it, he’d gone along with them too. ”Bill, Fred, Gary, how was your day with the Lancasters?”

Gary and Fred just shrugged, both of them looking to Bill for leadership. Not real surprising to me by this point. Bill himself shrugged and said, ”nothing I could point to, but they’re not real happy about the situation here.”

Larry chose that moment to chime in. ”Each of them thought to become the next heir. Lachlan’s promotion of me left them all frustrated, and the situation here, with more of us than there are of them? Even if Lachlan supported them, it would still be ten of us to nine of them.”

Lachlan looked distraught. ”Brother, I would never!”

Larry actually leaned over and patted his brother’s shoulder. ”I know that, brother.” He smiled a sad little smile. ”I think that’s father’s biggest disappointment with the two of us, that despite all his efforts he couldn’t set us against one another.”

”Why would father do that?”

Larry shrugged, and I could tell his answer wasn’t the one he knew was right, but he also didn’t have the heart to hurt Lachlan with the truth. ”I have no idea. Perhaps to hone us each by competing with one another? In any case, with the two of us loyal to one another, that makes it eight to eleven. They’d have no way to be sure they could finish both of us, and despite father’s disappointment in me, I suspect he would take my word over theirs.”

I looked at Larry and quietly said, ”if they come at us, I don’t know if I can stop them without ending them.”

He shrugged and shot me a sad kind of grin. ”If they betray us, end them. That’s both permission and a request from the Heir of Lancaster House. Also, I’ll hopefully be of some help to you, should it come to that.”

I sucked in air, then blew it out my nose in an effort to shove the bullshit of the Heroes Lancaster from my brain. ”Still, we’ve almost got Lancaster House cleared. Any surprises we’re likely to see on the third floor tomorrow, Larry?”

He shook his head. ”Youngsters, so we might need more finesse than power, and more women per room, but I doubt any of them will want to make much of me the way those on the fifth did. Heaven forbid they do so as the women on the fourth floor did.”

”Right in front of me, too.” Bonnie chimed in. Then her face went beet red and she looked anywhere but at any of the rest of us.

”You would be jealous over me?” Larry asked, a weird kind of wonder in his voice.

She didn’t look at us, but she said, ”maybe. Yes. Sorry.”

”Do not, Bonita. Never apologize for that.” He chuckled. ”My father will be livid, you realize.”

That got her to turn around, spluttering, ”I don’t want to come between you and your father!”

He snorted at that. ”As our Commander might say, fuck him and his ’sensibilities’.”

”Buddy!”

”It’s okay, Lachlan. I think I may understand father better than you in this.”

”Huh?”

He glanced at the rest of us, rolling his eyes a little before turning back to Lachlan. ”Father would rather we infuriate him by standing up to him than sneak around behind him.”

”Oh. I guess so.”

I rapped my knuckles on the table. When I had everyone’s attention, I said, ”okay, tomorrow I want Rowena and Angel out riding with the boys and the Lancasters. Larry and I will take Bonnie and Raven to deal with the third floor. If we finish early, and I really hope we do,” I paused, thinking. ”Does your father have some kind of map of Lancaster House’s farmsteads?”

Larry nodded. ”There’s a map down on the first floor. Built into the floor itself, actually.”

I frowned. ”How do you update it?” That got me a round of confused looks. ”Really? No new farmsteads? No new little villages cropping up? Nothing?”

Larry shook his head, staring into the distance like he’d just been handed an idea he’d never considered before. ”Now that you mention it, no. Well, sometimes we lose a farmstead, but eventually someone moves back into it and starts it back up again.”

I heaved a sigh. ”Okay. So if we finish early, the four of us will call the Sergeants from the Expedition in and plan out how we’re going to push our secured area outwards, clearing the farmsteads as we go. Are folks like the trappers on your map too?”

Larry shook his head. ”There are fewer here in the farmlands, but none of them were considered permanent enough to make it on the map, I guess.”

”Right. Everybody know what they’re doing tomorrow?” At a round of nods, I said, ”good, because I wanna get back to my room and get some sleep.”

Of course, the moment I stepped into my room Saffron, Marie, and Isnomi appeared, which meant your girl didn’t get sleep for at least a couple hours, because all of us wanted to take advantage of the suite, both for the bathtub and for the expanded possibilities of hide-and-seek and pounce. Okay, Isnomi wanted us all to do those last two, and the rest of us enjoyed spoiling her while we could. They left in the morning before breakfast again.

The Heroes Lancaster got more kumquat looks when I announced they’d have even more escorts today, but at a quelling look from Larry they decided to shut up and soldier.

The four of us who went to clear the third floor did not, in fact, manage to finish early. Something, something, something, dozens of toddlers through teenagers, none of whom seemed to be the sorts to enjoy sitting still and embroidering and shit. Can’t say I blamed them.

A few nursing mothers called the third floor home, too, along with their little ones. One of those almost didn’t make it. Probably wouldn’t have if I’d left it to Larry, Bonnie, and Raven. But as I’ve said before, I might not be able to save every goddamned kid in this fucked up world, but the ones who come within arms’ reach? Those I most certainly can and will save, and if anybody wants to make something of it, they can find out why the House of Orange has four good limbs among the three of them.

Still glad Isnomi stayed in Phileo tonight, though. Could have used a rubdown from Marie, but she stayed home as well. Marie things to do, I guess.

Discovered something pleasant, for once. Saffron’s been paying attention when Marie does her massage thing. If Saffron is half as good an Imperator as she is masseuse? I’d say our little Alliance is in good hands.